How Do I Tell My Best Friend This????

Gosh I feel bad for her. I bet she's having to make excuses for him all the time. My husband is very much a hermit, but he wasn't at all when we were younger. Now he ducks out on most social obligations. And I have to stand behind him because he truely feels more comfortable when his social interaction is just me and the kids. Really. He isn't self absorbed, he's just hermetic. This is who he became and my job isn't to use him to please anyone else, my job is to love him and respect him for who he is. Social obligations aren't high on his priority list and sometimes it is uncomfortable.

I decided to stop making excuses, which I used to do in order to save others' feelings, because it is just exhausting and ultimately I'm not responsible for his decisions about how he spends his time and with whom. He is. I can either be married to him or not, but I can't ask him to change.

Cut your friend some slack. I'm sure she's aware of how awkward it is, but she's really not in control. Maybe you should talk to your husband about not counting on being friends with this guy any more.

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I would just be honest with her and tell her how much it hurt you and your husband. If you have been such good friends for so long, this should not be an issue with her. Your friendship is probably going to have to evolve to just hte two of you catching up from time to time. To vacation and leave your husband out, is not fair to him, and he will resent you in the long run for not calling them on it.
I would say something like this:
"Sally, can we talk? I hope I don't upset you by this but it has really been bothering me and I need to get it off my chest. The last vacation we had really hurt my husband's and my feelings when Ralph took off and left my husband with no one to visit with. He sat alone and I feel terrible about it. Would it be too much to ask if next time we do something, it be us two girls? I just don't think Ralph cares to be around my husband, and it makes us feel bad. Please forgive me for taking so long to tell you, I just didn't know how to say it, and I would never want to jeopardize our friendship. I hope you understand."

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Your friend has no control over what her husband does. What do you expect to gain by "talking" to her? More than likely she isn't too thrilled with the way her husband acted and you chastising her won't help.

Just change the way you do things. Avoid major holidays and only make plans that do not involve the husbands when it works for you and your husband. If she wants to get together more than you do then tell her that you don't want to leave your husband.....which would be true. You don't have to explain yourself further.

It's nice that you helped them move, but that was before and you did it because you wanted to (I assume). This is now. You can't make her husband comply. Continue to be a good friend, but talk to your husband and figure out the best way you can accomplish that without compromising your time with him.

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Something to consider, from someone married to such a man, is this:

- He is probably treating her just the same way (left out, on her own, ditched)

- She is probably so grateful to be with YOU, and have someone who cares about her and is interested in her and her life and want to spend time with her... that that is all she is thinking about during these visits

- She has no control over her husband (none of us do... we can only influence, and if, as you say he just goes off and does his own thing ,that pleases only him, on his own... you can see how much he values her & her influence)... and while she is undoubtedly mortified... what can she do, except to stay home and not visit to fix the problem? Would he let her go on her own with the kids to come visit you? And would that even be doable? Or would it just end the visits all together? ((As long as my H was invited/came along I saw "our" friends very very frequently... even though 9 times out of 10 he wasn't there, but off doing something else. As soon as he decided, however, that he was going to "distance" himself from our friends... it's amazing how many roadblocks went up to MY visiting them (and they're just up the street). I went from seeing our friends at least once a week if not more often, to once every few months. Getting "free" nights is now all but impossible. ))

- If he treats his own wife this way... why would he treat anyone else any better?

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You should quit doing Thanksgiving and keep your other times together to you, your friend and your kids or just you and your friend. You can't force your husbands to be friends, and while it would be nice for her husband to be friendly, he obviously isn't going to be, so I would remove husbands from the equation.

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Just be thankful you have a wonderful husband who is willing to spend time with you and your friends and you're not married to an inconsiderate, selfish, self-absorbed man. Just make plans where it's only the girls and leave the men at home. I'm sure your friend is so ashamed by her husband's behavior.

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Very iffy situation. On one hand you tell your friend and she understands and makes her husband get his head out of the sand and be nice. Or, she might understand, but when she approaches her husband he may/could compeletly spin it around and make you guys look bad for bringing it up even. I would also say for that guy, no loved lost. If he wants to obviously go out of his way to avoid someone-let him-and he will eventually get his just-dues. Go see them for thanksgiving-know ahead of time you expect nothing out of him as far a chit-chatting and such. Thank your husband for going and being a trooper because your girlfriend is still near and dear to you. Maybe one day he will come out of it, and maybe he wont. But at least he didnt stop you guys from having your fun. Could you have a better time if he cooperated? Yeah maybe-but at least he didnt stop your plans. You'll have to continue to be the better person(s) on this one and realize people are different, have their differences, differe strokes for different folks. And you never know-maybe he has deep personal things going on...who knows! (not trying to make excuses for the guy) Keep your head up and your friendships going, even if it means you are the only one helping them move :) And, maybe they havent realized that you are the true be-there-always friends yet. But you dont stop being that friend either.

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I just want to comment about talking to your friend. I think it is a good idea to bring up some of the things you are noticing, just not in a confrontational way. She may not know that these things are bothering you and your husband. Then again she may already know these problems exist, and it may bother her just as much. If nothing is said then she may never know, or problems could just continue. I wouldn't expect her husband to change or cooperate, but you can at least expect to be on the same page. I would go about the topic in a matter of fact way. Like, "It seems like the hubbies aren't getting along like we do." or "your husband doesn't seem to want to hang out with mine." This way you bring up the obvious and she can respond accordingly, and maybe you can get confirmation of what's going on, or find out if its something else, and without being confrontational. You may find there are other things going on that you aren't aware of, things are not always what they seem.

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You need to tell your friend. If she's a true best friend then she shouldn't let this come in between you guys and she should really understand the situation. I would hate for my husband to be left out in the cold like that.

If she is truly your best friend you should be able to talk to her about this. The next time you guys plan a visit seems to me to be the best time to breach the silence. It could be that it doesn't come up because future visits don't really happen this way again. If he really doesn't have any interest in visiting as a family then you have to decide what you want out of the relationship Do you want to pursue this family style get together or do you want to maybe spend vacation in the same city with a couple of girly time lunches or go do something together you like. The rest of the time could be spent with your family doing the tourist thing.

This friend's husband is obviously not a friend to you or to your husband. I would not expect for her husband to be involved in anything if you go to see them or if "they" come to see you. I would plan everything without him. You cannot make him do anything and if he is self-absorbed, it is nothing personal. It's the way he is and not you or your husband (or your friend) is going to change him. Only he can do that. You must re-evaluate your friendship with her and if it is worth keeing the relationship with her, let her know of your feelings as I am sure she feels the same way about her husband's lack of interest in anything not on the top of his list of interests.
Like I said, don't plan on him being involved with anything you plan.

This must be hard, and since she is your best friend I can see why she is the one you want to talk to...only this time it's about her. I think that since you have such a great relationship that time has been invested in and you don't live in the same city where this is a regular occurance that maybe instead of initiating a time to talk you should wait for the the right time to appear. That way it might not seem as confrontational or awkward for either of you. Perhaps the next time you guys travel there or she travels to you, you could matter of factly and kindly ask to touch base on your plans because you weren't sure what things were going to be for the hubbies. Then that way it's a little more sure and clear which events/plans the husbands are expected to attend. Then, if you go to attend something and her husband is a no-show you can kindly but honestly say something to the effect of, "My husband was really looking forward to and planning on hanging out with xxx." If she is as good a friend and as connected to you as you may think, then she should be able to get the point you're trying to make.
Of course, there's the consideration that if her husband is like that...maybe you don't really want your husband to be hanging out with him and maybe you should just plan mommy and kid trips instead of family trips.

Just because you and your best friend are best friends because of commonalities doesn't mean the men feel the same way. You mentioned that you and your husband were the only ones to help these folks pack up because that is what friends do and yes, that is what we do when we genuinely care about someone: we help them but never doing it with any expectation to get something in return. You know, sometimes people grow out of friendships and if the men used to hang out, perhaps they genuinely had things in common to talk about while the women did other things things. But what if your friend's husband has grown out of the friendship with your husband and only hung out with him to appease his wife? I say this with love: your husband is a grown man and hopefully he has other friends or crafts or hobbies that interest him so that next time your best friend and her husband come to visit you, he won't feel so left out. And, when you visit them next time, plan on doing some things with your friend that doesn't have to exclude your husband. Who knows, maybe your husband enjoys your friend's company and going out together would prove to be fun for everyone. Don't be mad at your friend. This is not her fault and to hold onto anger or resentment will only affect your friendship with her in time.

They can't really force a friendship between the guys. Even if the other hubby wasn't a selfish guy, maybe they would not have hit it off long term. Is there a way for the girls to just do a girl weekend or something? Don't "waste" a holiday on them if they're not all going to be involved; the girls are the friends, let them make girl time to get together. It'll be fun for them, and good for the hubbies to have alone family time with the kids every once in a while :)

Did your husband really get upset about not being able to spend time with this guy when they visited? It's one thing if you are visiting them and your husband doesn't have a guy to hang with, but when he is at his own HOME, I would think he would be relieved not to have to entertain with your friend's husband. I would try to keep in perspective that you and your friend are the true friends are your husband's are doing a great favor by just accompanying you on the trip. I think the idea of a girls trip, or maybe even girls and kids if you have kids. I don't think I would say anything to her.

You could:
1. Do nothing.
2. Talk to her honestly about it. Tell her that you all missed spending time with him and catching up & does she think he can save some time for you all this next time?
3. Make a remark (humor) like..."well, is Mark going to blow off John again this year?".....
4. Stop visiting hoping she'll figure it out.

I'd probably opt for #2. But that's me. Good luck!
She really can't control her husband's behavior.

I would recommend spending time with your friend aside from Thanksgiving or another major holiday. Instead, make it a girls weekend, or a girls + kids weekend. Your husband will probably be thankful for some time alone (I know mine LOVES when my son and I go out of town without him) and your friend's husband won't have to feel like he has to entertain.

When the issue of Thanksgiving comes up, you can delicately discuss with your friend why you are choosing not to spend it together. Just say that you've noticed her husband seems too busy/preoccupied to entertain your husband and you don't want your hubby to feel like he's just tagging along with the girls.

As close as you and your best friend are, you need to accept that your husbands don't share the same relationship. Don't let it interfere with your friendship though. You might learn to love the girls weekend. I know I have a much better time when I visit my out-of-town girl friends without my husband than when I drag him along with me.

K.
http://www.discoverytoyslink.com/karenchao

So I totally agree with you. The guy sounds like a self-absorbed, selfish jerk. Or to give him the benefit of the doubt, a clueless idiot who has no idea that what he is doing would bother anyone (he is male, after all). Here's the dilemma. If you confront your best friend with this, you are going to have a couple things possibly happen--a) she will get mad and defensive b) she will agree with you and tell her hubby he needs to make more of an effort. Even if she does talk to him, is hanging out with a guy who has never made any effort and is only doing it because he now knows it bothers you and your hubby and/or because his wife told him he has to, really what your hubby wants? Sounds kind of like telling your husband you're upset because he never brings you flowers--how you'd feel if he brought them the next day. In my case, I'd realize I didn't get what I really wanted, which is for him to feel or act a certain way of his own accord, not because I told him to. Anyway, good luck with this. Like I said, I totally see your side to all of this. I'm just not sure there is any way to really address things and actually have positive change come of it.

Your girlfriend's husband is voting with his time and his vote is not to spend time with your husband. I wonder if your girlfriend negotiated that she can still visit with you if her husband gets to do whatever he wants. I would tell your husband to schedule a guys night with one of his real friends when your girlfriend comes for a visit and I wouldn't make your husband go there for Thanksgiving. If the situation was reversed and your husband was visiting his friend and you got stuck with the wife and she was ditching you, you wouldn't want to visit either. Getting two couples and kids together and having everyone get along is a tall order. I don't see a lot of Flintstone-Rubble relationships in the real world.

Your poor friend. Can you imagine what her life may be like? If her husband only has an interest in speaking to people that work with him or in the same field - that could mean that he is not only being cold to your husband but also to his wife and kids. This man sounds extremely self centered. Does your husband really want to spend his valuable time on this jerk? I say you have the talk with your husband. Next time these friends are visiting you, maybe your husband will want to spend quality time with his friends while you have giggle night with your girlfriend.

Bottom line - you are friends with the wife. Don't take what her husband does personally.

To start with I would not have left and went for a night out with the girls and left my husband behind. I would have changed my plans to do something to include him. What's the issue? Just confront her husband and ask him what his problem is..Seems to me like you are welcome but your husband isn't. I would not go somewhere where my husband was treated as yours has been. You are sending a message to him and saying that your friendship with this woman is more important than he is. Stand up for your husband, that is if you want to keep him. Make new friends. Just because you have been friends for 10 years doesn't mean you have to remain friends. People do out grow each other. That is why there are so many divorces. Either confront your friend and her husband as to why he is treating your husband this way or cancel the next visit. I would never allow someone to treat my husband that way. Stand up for him. Get a back bone. Do what's right...After all he is family and they are not...My friend of 16 years husband went out of his way to welcome my husband and even took time to learn about his interests, likes and dislikes before we even went over as a couple the first time. That is what you call true friendship. Even though my husband and her husband don't have a lot in common he made sure to have something they could both talk about. We all had a wonderful time and have visited several times since.

Your friends are your´s and your husband´s friends are his. We dream that our best friend is married with our husband´s best friend so we can be a best couple friends but this is very rare. your husband´s friend does not want to be friend of your husband. is not your friend fault and probably she does not know how to tell you that......so my advise is to keep her friendship for you and do not involve your husband.........