How Do I Tell Him He Has to Go to Kindergarten Again?

My husband and I also had to make this decision over 20 years ago. It isnt easy, and sugar coating was not the way we decided to do it.

I explained to him that everyone matures at different rates and every one learns at different rates. I told him that a foundation was important to any skill and that he needed a firmer foundation.

He criedm he was mad and he begged. I told him the deicision was made and that he now had a chance to build a firm foundation, not everyone gets second chances.

One thing that happened that we did not expect was the self confidence he got the second time around. he already had been through the lessons before and was able to explain things to the other students who may not understand. Instead of being at the bottom of the class always struggling, he was now at the top. It was the right decision for us and for him. Although at the time none of us felt very good about it.

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Hi S.,

Wow, that's a tough one! If he is so excited to be a first grader, I can see why it would be so hard to hold him back. My sons had dyslexia and had a really tough time not only in kindergarten but all through the elementary grades. But we home schooled our kids so we didn't have the dilemma that you are facing with feeling like you will break his heart by holding him back.

In general, I have found that the earlier we faced a problem in our family, the better the outcome was. If you do decide to hold him back, I would tell him as gently and positively as soon as I could.

You might check into "home schooling" him over the summer months, which would probably help him a lot even if he is in kindergarten again next year. With my sons, I found that breaking the lessons down into short 15 minute sessions through the day worked best. (They just did not have the attention span to sit down for hours at a time.) It also helped so much to give them lessons that were fun for them and have them "read" books that they loved already -- some reading books for kids are so boring and dumb that I could barely stand even hearing them and I knew the kids weren't interested in the stories! It actually worked out better for the kids to try to read books that were too difficult for them at first but that they were interested in! I have never used the ACE kindergarten curriculum but I know the ACE workbooks for the older students are pretty simple to use, if you think you would prefer to get some workbooks to practice with.

God bless you!
A.

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I absolutely agree with Cher...I would be matter of fact, don't let him know that this is upsetting to you or to your husband. Never let him think that he has "disappointed' you or his teachers in any way. Push the positive aspects of this, that it will give him a good foundation for the rest of his life and a jump start on everything that he wants to do. Tell him that he WILL be a first grader..just not right away. Use the summer months to re-enforce the things that you and his teachers feel like he needs more practice on.
Most of all, be positive about this move...emphasize the things that Cher mentioned...it sounds like the perfect approach to this!!!
Good luck!!
R. Ann

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S.,

I agree with what Cher said... to some point. I've got something else for you to think about.

When my daughter was in second grade, she made A's/B's. So when she started a new school in third grade and started bringing home C's-F's, I was totally shocked! The teacher recommended sending her back to second grade. She was already nine years old... I was NOT doing that to her. Yeah, she was having problems... but sending her back to second grade was NOT an option!! She'd still have the problems she was having no matter where we put her. Instead of embarrasing her, we decided to find out the root of the problem and attempt to fix it.

We ended up moving schools and they put her on a 504-Plan.
That seemed to help a little, but not as much as I liked. Since then we had to move and put her into a school that ran even more testing on her. They decided to take her off the 504 and give her an IEP.

Let me say this... she has IMPROVED TREMENDOUSLY!! I really hated moving her from school to school like we did, but it really helped her out so much in the end. Her grades are in the B-C range and we're all OK with that. She met all standards for the state in her assessments! We couldn't be happier!

This may or may not be the issue you're having with your son, but I'd still do some homework by talking with school counselors before anything is brought up to your son.

I know it's not an easy decision, but pray about it and ask God for His guiding. ls

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S....sure there is liable to be some disappointment, but he will take a lot of his cues from you. You have to frame this in a Very positive way. It is a chance to make new friends, it is a chance to do a lot of fun things again. Also it will give him the time he needs to learn things so he is not so over whelmed next year. You can't be halfway onthis, you have to be his cheerleader, you have to be the one who paints this as a Positive...lots of luck = ) He may not understand...yes, he may be disappointed but stick to your guns, you are his mom, you know best! = )
B.

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I feel for you. I know this must be a very hard thing to have ahead of you. My son should have been held back and I took the "easy" road and let him go on. He is in 10th grade now.. He's the smallest, and youngest in his class and he struggles with everything and always has. He is the only one of my kids that obviously wasn't ready to begin KG and I should have held him back. He gets by, but that's about it. He hates to read and write and isn't especially social. He is finally participating in sports this year, but is struggling there too because of his size. (I was going through a divorce while he was little and had so much stress I didn't read to him as much as I have my other kids...One of my biggest regrets).
As heartbreaking as this is now, it will really benefit him in the long run. Approach it with all the positives you can think of and listen to him express his hurt or disappointment as well. Make sure you have addresses and phone numbers of his closest friends and continue to set up playdates and things with them. And most importantly, set up regular reading times with him ...Bedtime or after supper, whatever...Read with him. No matter what it is that is holding him back, talking with and reading to your kids will make a world of difference in their school life. The more words they hear the easier it is for them to comprehend what the teacher is saying to them. If the teacher is trying to teach about (crazy example, sorry) a dog and he doesn't know what a dog is, has never seen one, or touched one...HE has to go through too many processes to get to the point of understanding. So the child who has a dog and spends lots of time with animals, and reads about them, already gets it and surges ahead, making the struggles that much more difficult for those who haven't been around dogs. (remember that is just an example). Read, Read Read...anything and everything. Talk about things that you see that are unusual and if he asks questions answer them honestly and in a way he can understand. If you hear something that might be a word he would come across in school ask him if he knows what it means and give him the opportunity to think about it. See how close he gets and praise him for trying and getting close.
He will do fine. Let him know you are there if he is sad and needs to talk it out any time. Go to the park or for a walk and just chat with him about his day and smell the flowers or inspect rocks or whatever. He will bounce back and be glad you did this down the road. Good luck. You are a great mom for doing what is best for you child, even if it isn't what is easiest (like I did :( Your little boy is lucky to have a mom who cares so much...You'd be surprised how many kids don't have that.

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My daughter also repeated kindergarten. She actually took it better than I thought she would and her second class ended up being a wonderful class and fit for her. There are some books that talk about slowing down and holding back. I wish I could recall the book we read to my daughter but it isn't coming to mind right now. Much better to hold back now than 1st grade or later. Good Luck!!

Hi! We faced a similar situation when our oldest was to enter kindergarten. The recommendation was to hold him back and do a "Pre-K" program for one year. We really struggled with the decision (especially me; my husband was more willing). He aced the kindergarten screening except they were concerned about his fine motor skills. Academically he was already beginning to read so I was really torn. Finally, I spoke to a few other kindergarten teachers. They said that if the child can recognize his name, follow basic directions, and is not behaviorally immature (crying when left, throwing tantrums over following simple tasks, etc. than they are ready). In the end, we chose to send him to kindergarten and he did very well. In fact, he is in the top 5% of his class now (7th grade). We never regretted our decision.
Another thing a wise teacher told me was that the school must adjust to the needs of the child; the child does not necessarily have to conform to the needs of the school. That said, I would discuss your situation with other kindergarten and first grade teachers to see what they would recommend. I know many parents who listened to the first referral and regretted the decision later. If the majority still recommend having your son repeat kindergarten, then transfer him to a different school so he will not constantly see his other former kindergarten friends who have gone on to become first graders. In other words, give him a clean fresh start.
If the response from other teachers is positive or mixed, seek help from the special education department (they work with gifted all the way to mentally/physically challenged students). They can write an IEP (Individual Education Plan) or an ILP (Individual Learning Plan)to help your son have success in first grade. This is what we did with our son. He always took a long time to complete tasks, but once completed, always scored very very well so we made the school system give him different deadlines. Now, he is a very successful student who is scoring very well on the state and federally mandated tests as well as receiving excellent grades. We are so glad that we did NOT hold him back and simply made the school meet his academic needs.
Schools feel very pressured now due to the No Child Left Behind law. So much of a school's success is based simply on test scores that schools have had to change how they teach in order to meet the requirements of this law or face repercussions. Anyone who has ever stepped into a classroom knows that all children are not the same and expecting 100% proficiency by 2014 is simply not realistic. Children develop at different rates. In fact, numerous studies prove that a child's brain is not really fully developed to learn to read prior to the age of six. That means that many children are not even developmentally ready until seven or eight. (I also know that there are exceptions to this rule; my brother read at three and three of my boys read fluently by the end of kindergarten). I also as a former teacher with early childhood experience know that some are not ready until nearly second grade.
I am not in favor of holding students back. Most students catch up by third grade (whether or not they had pre-K education or were held back in the K-2nd grade years).
If I were you, I would seriously consider looking into other options (including tutoring, having a para, an IEP/ILP, homeschooling, etc.).
That said, your child will succeed in any situation as long as he knows that you support your choice. I would consider his feelings in the situation though. If there is any chance he could go on to first grade, let him try it. If he struggles, than you can get him the extra help he needs. If it is very clear that he is not going to be able to do first grade, then tell him that he is special because his teacher needs him to repeat kindergarten and be her special helper. Since he will know the routine, etc., then he can help other kids get used to the routine. Make sure that whoever his teacher will be will encourage this leadership role. This will help to bolster his self esteem.
Good Luck with whatever you decide is best for your son. Remember that you and your husband know your son the best and will make the choice that is best for him and his needs. I will pray for you and your family. God bless!

We had to make that same decision many years ago with my oldest son and held him back in 3rd grade. It is a wise decision and don't fear it or dread it. With all the testing they did back many years ago, my sons comprehension level was post high school, but his reading was behind. We considered all kinds of options and in the end chose to hold him back. We asked him to be a part of that decision though. We had him pray about it, talked about the options, and he agreed that he would take 3rd grade again. He had started school at 4 yrs old though, and we told him that it would be better for him to be one of the oldest kids in his class. He would be bigger and stronger when he got into high school too, a plus for playing ball...all of which was very true in the end. I have been grateful we made that choice over and over thru the years. His friends were always the better group of kids than the ones that were a year ahead of him. It seems now, all these years later that it was the best thing that could have happened by far. I wonder if he even remembers that he was held back. All thru school other kids would talk about how smart he was. He graduated from high school with a 3.7 gpa. He's fluent in Spanish, taught high school Spanish for several years, and now this week graduates from BYU with his MBA- at the top of his class and is moving forward with a great job. Try to remember the bigger picture and that he will be an adult someday and taking kindergarten a 2nd time will not be a big deal at all. If anything, this could be a great plus to him! If you are positive about it, he will be too.

Hi S.,
I have never had to make a decision like this, but I feel you are doing right by your son... better NOW than later. He can still stay in touch with his good friends. I don't know how your school is, but our school doesn't keep the same kids together year after year...they mix them up alot.

I agree with many suggestions you've already had:
- to research all of your options
-the sooner you face it, the better...
-be POSITIVE...

I've never heard ANYONE say that they regretted holding their child back, but I've heard plenty that wish they had. Good luck in your decision.

Instead of holding him back, I would try something else. That might be devastating to a poor little guy. I have a daughter going into first grade, and that would seriously break her! It could make it worse for your son. Maybe a learning center or something could help over the summer instead. Just think about it.

Don't sugar coat, just tell him. tell him you are afraid the he is having a harder time kindergarten than others and that you want him to go to kind. again next year. That way kind. and school will be so much easier for him next year when he is just a bit older. My daughter did also repeat and was grateful and relieved that she didn't have to move on, but I will caution you that if this doesn't get better with repeating once you may have other issues other that maturity. My daughter still, after redo, needed special tutoring and eventually glasses, then add medications. She is still a lousy student and is only going to college on an art scholarship if she can manage to graduate. This kid is definitely not a student:). Good luck, you know what is best. R.

are his issues something that can be helped through outside resources to keep him with his class? Does he truly need this? & is it the only answer? ......& I know you've gone over it again & again.

Sooo, truly just approach it from a positive angle...never ever let your son see how upsetting this is to you. After months of agonizing, we chose to wait until our son was six to enter kindergarten....& have never regretted our choice. That extra year in preschool gave him the maturity he needed to succeed at school....well, actually it wasn't a preschool - but the Bridges Program in our school district. Our decision was based on our own observance of his inability to stay on track....he academically aced the KG screening, but took much longer than most other children. & with his BD just 4 days before the cut-off, we chose for him to be the oldest....not the youngest in the class.

That said, he was heartbroken when we told him that he wasn't going to KG with his preschool classmates. He absolutely hated repeating the preschool program, which is why we pursued the Bridges Program at the elementary school. (it's geared for children old enough for KG, but either not developmentally or academically ready.)

Waiting that year has provided the foundation that our son needed for success....& just last week, he told me that he was glad that he was in "his class/6th grade", because he hates how the "7th grade" behaves. I was fascinated, because I have heard from both teachers & parents that the older class is a nightmare....both socially & academically!

You will be in my thoughts as you approach this milestone with your son. I wish you peace.

Hi S.,

I am sure the situation is heartbreaking, and sometimes is better do certain things sooner than later. It has to be done, and I would probably talk to him in the sweetest way possible, and explain to him than even when he is a smart boy, he needs to come back to K. Don't be afraid to hold him back if you have to. I don't know your reasons, if they are academic or just a maturity thing. I should have done that with my older kid, but I didn't, and I regret it.
Just talk to him without showing doubt and sadness, just show him it is going to be something very natural (because IT IS). Tell him that he will have new friends and even he can still see his former classmates, and you may have some play dates at home with several of them.....just an idea if he is to fond of a few children in his class. Sometimes we, moms, are more concerned that the children themselves, and they overcome very easily things that actually are harder for us like moms. They get used to these things faster than we think, probably he will be sad for several days..or may be not....but do not show him sadness, just show him lots of love, smiles and hugs and let him know the positive part of it.After that, change the subject and take him to a place he likes...
Good luck!
A.

We sent one of our little boys to Kindergarten when he was just not ready. We took him out after 1st semester and had him repeat kindergarten the next year in an all day class at a different school. He did fine but in his thinking he was 'dumb' and he never accepted the fact that he just wasn't ready. I know children are different and not all would react this way (in spite of our positive attitude about it). Just be sure you know your child and that he will have a good image of himself if he repeats.