February 10, 2007,
R.B. asks from Silverado, CA on February 08, 2007
How Do I Stop My Daughter from Arguing and Raiseing Her Voice?
I am a single mother of a 7 yr old girl. She is a great kid and very smart. She always listens at school, but when at home is a different story. She argues and yells when asked to do things. How can I get her to have the same respect for me that she does for her teacher. I dont beleive in spanking. Any other options for punishment would be appreciated. *Note: this is not an out of control thing, but dont want it to get there.*
So What Happened?™
Thankyou everyone for your responses. I will try these different techniques ( though all mostly the same). That should tell me something LOL. It is nice to hear from other moms who are going through or have already gone through these same things. :)
K.S. answers from San Francisco on February 09, 2007
From what it sounds like to me, I think that perhaps the best tactic is to ignore her when she gets like this. She's screaming and arguing when asked to do things (I assume her chores or homework or some such)? As soon as she raises her voice, tune her out, leave the room and refuse to listen to any of her arguments. When she stops screeching, tell her - in a calm voice! - that she won't get to do anything else (television, video games, computer, whatever it is she usually does on "her" time) until the task is completed, but that you refuse to discuss it with her while she raises her voice. Then stick to it!
I've noticed most children scream and yell and throw fits for attention - at any age! If you don't give it to them, it quickly loses it's appeal. It could also be that she needs to let off steam and doesn't know another way to do it. Perhaps, when she is calm, you could also discuss with her various de-stress techniques that she can use - from screaming into a pillow to writing out a list of everything that's bugging her to simply talking it out with you (calmly!). Children don't know how to deal with stress - it's something we have to teach them.
Whatever happens, make sure that you stick to whichever discipline method you set out. If you waver even a little bit with her tears or tantrums, it will take exponentially longer to really deal with the problem - as you probably have found out all ready! :)
A.L. answers from Stockton on February 09, 2007
R. I to was a single mom of 4 children I raise them most of there life by myself. Your daughter knows what she can get away with. At school they have tought her what is expected of her and her behavior. At home this is a learned behavior if she is 7 most likly she has been doing this for a while. I know you don't beleave in spainking. But if you have tryed other thing to get a responds and they did work it's time to do something new. I always talked to my kids first, I never hit them when I was upset, I didn't use a belt nor my hands. I used a wooden spoon on there behind. I also spoke to them the way I wanted to be spoken to. My kids are now 23, 21 17 and 14 none of them talk back, get in my face or curse infront of me. Good luck and show her who the adult is in your home.
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K.O. answers from Portland on February 08, 2007
HI R.. All I can say is that you need to always stay calm and level. When she gets out of control or yells at you, just tell her that she really hurts your feelings when she talks to you like that. Ask her if there is something wrong that she'd like to talk about. Sometimes, you might want to distract the behavior by going outside and go to a park and talk/play. Take a walk, just the two of you. Get more involved with what her feelings are each day after school. When children start getting angry actions, they usually have anger inside that they don't know how to deal with. By talking with her every day, she might learn to talk to you better.
I'm no expert, but I hope some of this might help you. :)
J.T. answers from Sacramento on February 08, 2007
Oh, R......I have been where you are and I know how agrivating that can be! My daughter went through the same phase at about the same age. I'm not a spanker either, never have been. But there were certainly times when she was in that phase that I thought I might become one without even thinking about it. Good news? I made it through without resorting to that.
Here's what we did.....When Nicole would say something sassy in response to a request I would first ask her if she wanted to try that again in a more calm way. Usually, she didn't. LOL So she would have to go to her room (no TV, video games, books, etc) until she could come out and act the way she knew she should act. Sometimes she would stay for 2 minutes and sometimes it was an hour but she could come out when she was ready. She doesn't like to be by herself so she didn't usually stay gone long. She did outgrow the phase and it's VERY normal for that age so hang in there!
Z.G. answers from Richland on February 09, 2007
Kids are that way. My kids still do that and they are teens. Its like when I am not around they listen. When I would go and meet with the teachers...they would say your kids are such a pleasure to have in class. But like I started off with..I think it is their nature to torment the parents
J.S. answers from Seattle on February 10, 2007
R. I have kind of the same problem with my six year old, but there has been a lot happen in her life over the last few years I know that I shouldn't use that as a reason for her behavior, but I start taking things she likes away from her. She enjoys her weekends at her Grandparents house so I tell her if she doesn't start to show me respect then she won't get to go to her grandparents house anymore, so I've used the taking things she likes away not sure if it helps any, but it is always worth a try. (Maybe it's the age) hope you can stop it before it gets out of control.
D.D. answers from San Francisco on February 09, 2007
I have a seven year old son who has had a similar issue since my husband left us a few months ago. What has worked for me is that we sat down and discussed what would happen if he talks back or raises his voice to me. He helped pick the consequences (like he can not visit with his friends over the weekend, no video games, etc). It doesn't eliminate it entirely from happening but now I only need to say "If you do not stop right now, you are choosing by your actions not to play videogames this weekend" and he almost always cuts it out.
I hope you find that helpful.
L.M. answers from Seattle on February 10, 2007
R. I know how you feel. When my son was 6 or 7 years old we started to argue more. It seemed that everywhere else he was an angle and treated all others with the up most respect. It took a while and a year of therapy for me to realize that I was very safe for him. All the emotions from a hard day at school or agruing with his friend came home to me. Just like adults children pick a target that they know will not leave them and they dump all feelings there. It can almost be a sibling relationship if you two are the only people in the house. There is not another parent to hold half the conversations and each of you depends on the other to talk to. I started to have a box that when my son would talk to me about how he was feeling or just had a good day at home we would put a card in the box. When we had ten cards we would pick from a list that we made together of things to do. We went to the beach, we got ice cream, a movie, etc and it helped for us to talk rather than argue. We also worked backwards that if the attitiude was real bad after three warnings he went to his room adn had to take a card out and we kept removing cards that day if he did not change the behavior. I hope this helps or at least lets you know you aren't the only one!!!