How Do I Start Dating???

Hey K.,
reading these responses made me laugh at some of them. I won't say why as to not offend anyone. Anyhoo, I think you should do what makes YOU happy. If mom is happy, everyone is happy, do you agree? If you're unhappy, then it will only reflect in your child's well-being, your grades, your social life, etc...so just make yourself priority. You are a good mom, it sounds like and you just have to add yet another item to your juggling act. For the guy, I do agree with some of the ladies here to let him do the scheduling. Tell him what time you have, and let him do the work. He will value and appreciate you more because he'll know you're a busy, ambitious woman and you're not just waiting around for him. If he wants to make it work, he will need to put forth the greater effort since you have a child, which is your first priority. Trust me, men like to work for their reward rather than be handed it on a silver platter, so to speak. Probably a bad proverb, but you get my drift. Good luck!

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Wow it sucks to be single! Especially with a child...there are so many creeps out there and my response will warn you of a couple of types.

Ok, my first impression was for you to "go for it" but before I do that, I have to ask a serious question. Can you contact this guy any time day or night? When I re-read your post and see that he can't stay out late, and that he works a lot, and that he has only seen you a couple of times, i have to ask if you are sure he is not married. If I were you, I would check this out first and foremost and please tell me you haven't slept with him!

If you determine that he is not married, and that he indeed wants to spend time with you whenever you are available, then here is my advice...

Just do it! (but not "it")

I think it is great to take things slow. The crazy schedule thing may be God's way of slowing you down and being able to have you keep this guy if he is worth it. The very first thing to remember is to wait as long as possible before beginning a very physical relationship...even though you have been talking a lot and may feel you know him pretty well, just hold off!

That said, your little girl is very young and very resilient at this age. I think you can leave her three nights a week with your parents and see this guy at least once a week to begin with. She will have a balance of love from you, your parents and her father. I know this is an odd way of looking at it, but you are potentially planning for her future...a future living in a loving family will be so much better for you all, and would ultimately increase the time you would be able to spend with her (if you married and were able to stay home for example). I am not saying that you should not have an education or career for yourself, or that you should marry to get out of a situation, I am saying that I know how hard it is to be the sole bread winner and parent of a child, just scraping by!

On a more sour note (but I used to be a federal agent and know what I am talking about...as other posters mentioned there are pedafiles out there who get involved with women with children so they can get at the children later. NEVER become too complacent about this and NEVER make the mistake of thinking it can't happen to you or your child. Whenever you get involved with a man, always monitor your child's behavior around him and if you leave them alone together, make a habit of showing back up unannounced, earlier than expected. Sorry gals, it is a sad fact of life!

1 mom found this helpful

Hello K.,

What a conundrum, ehh?? Been there and done this. My 1st husband died and I felt guilty working, going to school, and trying to have a life of my own. After getting married again and divorced, trying to have a boyfriend w/5 kids and work was extremely difficult.

My advice is simple.....keep it simple for now. If he is truly interested, he will hang around. If all he is after is sex, he will move on. I counsel people, and I generally find that sex ruins their relationship because it wasn't built on the right things for a healthy relationship from the beginning (these couples end up divorced).

I can tell you it is worth the wait. I met a wonderful man, we have dated for almost 3 years. Neither one of us is ready for marriage, so we see each other almost daily for a short stroll around the block, run a quick errand to Walmart together and try to have a date night each weekend (include your daughter). We involve the kids...he comes to my children's school events when time allows and we plan get togethers in the summer, school vacations, etc.

Keep up the good work mom, it is a tough job, but I can promise you it does get better. Keeping dad a part of her life and working around his schedule says plenty about you. This is extremely vital for your daughter to witness for her development. You are an exceptional gal, give your parents a hug next time you see them and tell them thanks for being such wonderful examples for you.

Sincerely,

P.

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I've been married for over 30 years. When I started dating my husband I had just been divorced and had a 4-year-old. Our dates were trios for a couple of months.

If this guy is serious about you he'll have to realize that you are a package deal. If he has problems dating you with a child, he's not marriage material.

Cathy

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I love how the lady said to make it up to him to figure it out! She's been there and understands...if you are making all these sacrifices and feel so guilty, what is he doing? I know that he is understanding and sweet, but if he is going to bail because of you saying no a lot, then he's not worth it. Talk to him about when y'all can see each other. And what time does your daughter go to bed that is too late for this guy? Most toddlers go to bed between 7 and 9. I would think that would leave time at least to hang out and talk. It doesn't have to be a late night.

And if it seems like too much work, then it is. Your priorities should be your daughter and school. Many of us with children and husbands don't have much of a romantic life right now because of small children. If married people put their romance on hold till the kids get a little older, perhaps the timing is not right for finding a new romance for a single mom of a toddler. Hang in there. Your heart will tell you what's right. But this may not be the right thing for you now.

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Why not start out with activities that can include your daughter - a trip to the zoo or aquarium would provide lots of quality "talking time" and she is young enough to not worry about eavesdropping on what you guys say.

Anyway - a trip to the park or other fun OUTING will give you a much better idea of his character than a movie where you just sit silently beside eachother for two hours.

A. <><

K.,

When I was a single mom with 2 school age children and a full time student, I decided that I could not do it all and do justice to my children, academics, and a relationship, all at the same time. I would go nuts or grades would suffer, or my children would. I willed myself to not get involved in a relationship, as it could wait. This is easier to do when there is none, a certainly would agree. My advice is to examine your priorities and then make your decision. It sounds as though you already have feelings that should be your guide.

You need time for you also. I know you feel "guilty" for being away from your daughter, but you'll be a better Mom if you do adult things! Meaning dates, dinner, a movie, etc. I wish I had spent more "me" time when my kids were home. I have six, they're all grown now, but I did what you're doing. You need time for yourself outside of class, etc. If this relationship was meant to be, things will work out for you guys. Pray about it and see where God leads. And enjoy your time alone.

you need to forget about dating this guy and raise your child. she is already going to have issues since you and her father are not together. do not bring anyone around her until you know it's a sure thing which may mean that you don't date for a long time. i know it sucks, but think of it as giving your daughter a solid foundation. pedophiles "prey" on single moms so please be careful.

Ignore everyone telling you to "go for it". Stay home and raise your baby. You won't have any reason for guilt that way, and she will be happier than with someone else. Is there no way to work it out with her dad? Your baby didn't ask to be brought in to the world, but you can make it better for her by keeping men at bay.

Hi, K.

I've never been in your situation and I don't know what would I do in your case but, as I see it is that you need to prioritize your needs. It seems to me that you already have enough with a daughter and school, although, I know a woman have needs. However, I'd say you need to focus in your school and your daughter more than anything else. Be patient, the right guy will come at the right time - don't look for him. Talk to God and ask him for patience and strenght; and if this is the right guy then ask God to help you both to work things in the best way possible so, your daughter doesn't get affected in any way. Your daughter is so little... enjoy her now. Children grow so fast - give her your best and concentrate in raising a girl with good values and lots, lots of love.

Patty

Get realistic about your 'free' time, alone and time with your daughter that you would be willing to sacrifice or spend with someone else, and then tell your guy what/when that is.

If he wants to see you, he will figure it out. You are juggling quite a bit - in school, and have a child ... it is very important for you and for your daughter that you suceed. IF this guy is worth it and really into you, he'll figure it out IF you tell him what will work without hem-hawing.

I tried the same when my daughter was younger (now 2 1/2) and after getting real about my time, I saw many of the men weren't serious about me and my daughter - only about finding an easy time for them - most of them would never, ever have made the same sacrifice as you are considering so be careful if you decide to .... I would have ended up betraying my own needs just to be with a man (and, hey, I defintiely understand about how hard it is to be single and have so many demands on you).

Good luck!

Well, I read some of the other responses. I'm not sure I agree with all of them. It sounds like you are very level headed. Normally, I would agree with you about keeping your daughter out of the picture but she is so young at this point, I don't think it really matters as long as he is appropriate and acts like a friend. You would have a girlfriend around or a relative. If you really are interested and you think this guy is special, then give it a try. One word of caution though. Be especially careful, there are so many pedifiles out their. Make sure your little girl isn't his attraction. That will be something you will need to watch for whomever you choose. Anyway, kids grow up and get a life of there own. There is no need for you not to date and be happy. Just balance it all out like you have been. Good luck!

K., I am also a single mother of two (boy and girl). But I don't see that a guy is more important than spending time with our children. I understand that you do get to spend time with her and it is up to you to decide what is sufficient time, but this is a very crucial time for her. If you already have to have sitters for her to be able to go to school then that is extra time with sitters and less time with you. I am not even close to being a perfect mother but God knows when the right man comes along and He will make the time that you need to be able to see him without taking time from your daughter.

I remember those days and that guilt. Can you wait til your daughter is asleep on a Friday or Saturday night and get a teen babysitter to come over about 9:30 or 10:00 and then go out. Your daughter will be sleeping by then and nothing goes on til 10:00 anyway. Also sometimes I would wait til the kids went to sleep and invite by boyfriend over and we would sit outside and talk or in the garage. You could carry a baby monitor outside with you to make sure she doesn't get up. I know it's not easy but your doing the right thing.

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Until you become more comfortable without feeling guilty nothing will change. Your feelings of unreasonable guilt are holding you back.

Here is my suggestion: Meet him for 30-45 minutes after your classes each week. That way you get to see him more frequently, just not hours and hours at a time. Then, the times when you do get to see him for longer periods, you can.

Both of you will have to sacrifice time (you coming home a little later when get over th guilty thing, adn he going to sleep a little later) considering the circumstances.

Ya'll can meet for an ice cream or some tea. Or you can go to his home until you are comfortable with him meeting your daughter.

You didn't mention your age or if you were actually married to your baby's father. Please do not lose focus on your education. It is important for you and your daughter's future; otherwise you limit your possibilities. All your decisions now will affect your child as well as you. It seems that you have already made the decision to pursue another relationship. Your kid(s) could be happier with two loving parents in the home. When you decide to marry, remember that NOBODY is perfect. Choose someone who you can confide in, who can agree to disagree when you have differing opinions, who will encourage and support you and work with you when you face challenges. For example, if he is a messy slob at home and yet pays most all your bills and is there for you when you need him, then you can do the housework and most of the child care. In other words, you will have to compromise.
Wishing you the best,
Linda C

forget dating for awhile. get your education and your baby raised right. that should be the most imporant things. i know you need time for yourself, then get with friends.

Hi K. - I think you already have alot on your plate as it is! 18mnth old daughter and school ... yikes! My suggestion is that you keep those two things as your priority and see the new guy only when you have taken care of your priorities which like you said will be very seldom. If he stays around until you are ready to introduce him then he is a keeper. As it is, you are away from her alot with school (you said that your Mom and her Dad have her several days during the week and one weekend so she is away alot) - she is a baby and needs her Mom as often as you can be there. Children develop their core principles, values and personalities from age 0 - 6 - their formitive years are so important and once they are over it is very difficult to change anything. Being a single Mother and a student is hard ... I know, I did it too. Hang in there, study hard and love your daughter! Good luck!
K.

to be young & have your energy.

Question? Do you have any time that is just our own where you are not student or mother? Take it from an older woman that has been there. Do this for yourself! That doesn't mean that you should always make it a date time. Then, it becomes not your time, but time you are making for someone else.i hear guilt & frustration that you can't make your schedule fit around someone elses. I remember being a student & you are probally already thinking how you can change your schedule around next semester. Just make sure that he is willing to change his schedule also. I can't tell you how many nights i didn't get enough sleep because i wanted to see a boyfriend.
I didn't care because it was worth it.

Women make sacrifices without even thinking about it. It is up to us to make sure that men stay on the same playing field. By nature, they will only be as accomadating as is comfortable.

So i will pose this last question, why is his being busy ok, but your being busy driving you crazy? I don't know what he is doing, probally business, but you have (2) very hard jobs that you are performing. Nothing is more important that an education & motherhood. Good for you!!!!!

Even playing field suggestions: lunch, coffee, working out (most facilities have daycare on site, or other quick dates.
Also, i assume that your ex has a schedule & you know ahead of time when he will pick up your daughter & you will be available. I think that both men need to be put on notice that you are not a yo yo & that they need to work w/ your schedule.

Good luck!

My suggestion is to stay committed to your daughter and school. Don't rearrange your life to guiltiness for no man.

If this guy really is understanding, he will see you when he can and that is that. If he moves on, big deal. I'm not saying don't stop going out when you can, but there is no rush to be serious with anyone. Right now, you have to much going on and adding more may be just a disaster.

Don't base your future on a man; make your own future first. The right guy will come along someday. You'll respect yourself more knowing you're quite capable of making a life on your own and for your daughter. Great guys have respect for that quality in a woman.

Relationships and getting married is hard and requires a lot of work. (Not so much fun) Add in kids and somedays I feel like nothing but a slaveworker.

Stay the way you are taking care of you and your daughter first. Just go out and have fun when you get a chance, don't worry so much about a relationhship with a man. If this guy is the right guy, it will develop on its own no matter how many days you get to spend together. You have been so good about not letting guys control you, that is not a good way to start a relationship. You don't want to start now.

First of all, I hope I'm misreading when you say "I've tried the leaving her alone after she's asleep thing" like that's what everyone does...That's a terrible idea and you shouldn't even think that that is okay.

On the other hand, you should definitely take it slow if you choose to still spend time with the man. But if you're already away from your daughter a lot as it is..and leaving her after she's asleep, then you should defintely get your priorities in order..or as all the other posts say, "love yourself first." Get your own life in order first.

I know that it's really great to go out once in a while but when you have a daughter she needs to be with YOU most of the time. You're the most important person in her life. Her dad is the second...so be there for her and yourself before you're there for a man.

Perhaps, you could invite him to come over for a board game, cards or movie or snack music and conversation.after your daughter is asleep. This way you would not put her in danger or have to leave her, or expose her to a man that you are not yet sure about. He may even like to help with studying.
Of, course this is all based on the premise that you know him well enough to trust him in your home.
It's also wise to let a friend or relative know that you are having company and to give yu a call during the evening.
Being a good mother first is important, and if he is worth anything he will recognize that as a valuable asset in aa woman.
C., (once a single mom of 5, and a student)I made lots of valuable mistakes, I call experience, but my children & I managed to survive

Yikes -- I have such a hard time making time even for friendships and the person I am married to and sleep next to that it is mind-boggling to imagine the difficulties of creating time to date! But I did have one thought -- is there any chance of you two grabbing a regular lunch slot together on a workday? I know that is one strategy that by partner and I have found workable.

Good luck!!
M. (working mother of six year old daughter)

My husband used an analogy on me the other day that I think could work well in this situation. Imagine the attention and time you have for the day as a ten dollar bill. If you spend X ammount on school, X ammount on other chores , X ammount on personal and X ammount on spending time with your kid you may already be overdrawn and dating could start putting you into Debt! You have to be honest with yourself and if your having all these negative feelings about it just wait until you can realistically make time for it. Building a strong healthy relationship with your child will make the BIGGEST difference in the coming decades of your life and could save you alot of grief down the road! Good Luck and trust your instincts. I am just going on what you're telling me about your life.I'm sure you'll make the right choice!

I am not at all certain you really want to date. You list many negatives; but, few positives.

If there really are that many reasons you cannot date, then, I say forget it !

Maybe one day when your child is grown you will be happy !

hello K.~
for the first time today i received a notice for this site, how ironic. i too am a single mom, thus my children are grown now and i have been in your shoes. i have been divorced for 8 years now. i believe the best thing that i can tell you is that you have to love yourself first! you have to have some "K. time". if you allow yourself some freedom you will be able to spend more quality time with your little girl... cause quanity isn't A. the answer. as i read what you wrote i see that you are very busy but it doesn't sound as though you can't make the time, it sounds as though you are a little scared to move forward. believe me, that is alright too!!! when you are ready~ you will. trust yourself! trust GOD.... he has it all planned out for you! i wish you the best!

K., I fully believe that with everything on your plate, you need some time for you in the equation as well. Otherwise, how can you give your best to your daughter? If I were you I'd take things slowly with this fellow. If he's the right one, he'll continue to be patient until you know him well enough to decide whether you'll bring him into your daughter's life or not.

BTW, I commend you for being so concerned about this and for being happy that her father wants to spend so much time with her. It sounds like you have the makings of a very healthy relationship with your daughter and prospective significant others.

Being a working mother of two small children, I have to tell you that feeling guilt is a constant in my life as well. But when I don't take time out for myself, I begin to feel resentful of other areas in my life and it just makes the guilt worse. Having a bit more balance helps me keep things in perspective and I don't feel as guilty because when I'm with my kids, the time is fantastic and I'm not burned out or frazzled.

I'm sure you'll make the decision that's right for you and your daughter. I'll be praying for your situation!

Best,
L.

Why do you feel you need to date? Don't you have enough on your plate what with staying true to yourself, true to your daughter and going to school full time... Forget about it... you know guys are overrated... concentrate on what's important to you... yourself, your daughter and family and your education. Companionship is good but you know what will happen... eventually.

If this guy is so great then he should not let his or your schedule be a problem, remember if things work out, both of you will still have timing issues. Might as will find out now if he can handle it.

My thoughts, maybe you should wait a while before you start dating. It sounds like your life isn't in a place where you have room for a man and your daughter needs you. Why don't you focus on your daughter and school for now and worry about men a few years down the road when she is a little older?

Do not ever leave your sleeping child alone until she is much much older- what are you thinking? What if there was a fire or she woke up sick or just lonely and went out looking for you or cried for hour locked in the house ? Maybe after she is asleep, he could come over for a short visit, but don't leave her alone asleep until she is many many years older and you are sure she could take care of herself in an emergency. Get a sitter if you want to date. Your child is your most important priority right now.