10 answers

How Do I Make My Husband Trust Me??????????

Well I guess I should give you all some back round. Last year from november till the end of January I was having an affair. I understand it was wrong and I did not intended for it to happen but things had been bad between me and my husband for over a year. Well my husband found out about the affair a couple of days before x-mass. We did not really let on to our children anything was wrong through the holidays but after they were over we really talked about what to do next. I told him to leave if he wanted to, but he descided to stay and we descided to work on our realtionship. We have been going to counsling, but still he brings up the affair all the time and for the past month or so he has been saying he knows I am cheating agin and probley with the same person. All I do is go to work or school and do things for the kids I have not even spoken to the other guy in months. And the last time I spoke to him it was just a hello because he owns a store that we sometimes go to. I am so sick of getting phone calls all day long to see where I am and when I tell him he does not beleive me. My cell phone dies yesterday and you would have thought that I killed someone when he came home I was at home had just gotten back from school but there was no telling him that. I do not know how much longer I can deal with this. Sometimes I think my life would be much easier if I just left. I did it a year ago and I am sorry, but througing it in my face 30 times a day is not going to make anything better. The counsler tells him all the time that he can talk about it but he is not sappose to use it to hurt me. He is not listen to the counsler or me I do not know what to do.

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What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Well it is the week before thanksgiving and we went out last saturday night like many of you said we should we had a great time. All week end was great no mention of the affair. Then monday came. When I got home he was all over me. Where were you all day what have you been doing. I had called him durning the day to let him know what was happen but he would say well how do I know you are really were you say you are. I guess he doesnot know but there is no way of proving it. He did this thing through dinner and intill the kids where a sleep. Then he started being all lovey because he wantted something from me. I understand that what I did was wrong and I understand that I need to make him feel like he knows where I am at all the time and who I am with. The problem is that he does not beleive me no matter what. I have no problem calling and telling him hwere I am and what I am doing but why bother when alls he says is how do I know that.

More Answers

Unfortunately, an affair is something that changes the dynamic of a relationship forever. I left my husband after finding out that he had been involved in several affairs since before our then 1 1/2 year old daughter had been born. He wanted to "fix" things, but I knew that I would never be able to trust him again and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life always wondering what he was really up to when we were apart (which was a lot due to his job). From what you have said, it doesn't sound to me like you are committed to healing your marriage. I'm sure things are difficult for you, but it's hard for me to sympathize as it will be for your husband becuase you had a choice to make and you didn't choose wisely. I think you should start thinking more about what your husband has been put through and what you can do to prove to him that you want to make things better (if that's what you want). You both need to have a very open discussion and see if all this work is even worth it. While I can't sympathize with you, I do wish you and your husband the best of luck in whatever you decide.

2 moms found this helpful

It's good that you know that what you did was wrong, and that you have tried to right the wrong so to speak. If he cannot get over it then maybe you should move on. It sounds like you have learned a few hard lessons. Now to take what you have learned and move on. Let him know this. Maybe he will rethink how he is treating the situation. Or better yet, give him a dose of his own medicine. Call him 30n times a day, harras him over stuff, then ask him how he likes to be treated this way. I went through this with my ex husband. I had not cheated on him, but you would think that I had. Phone calls non stop, the constant harrasment about so many other men. Most of which i didn't even know. Then the straw that broke the camels back was when he said that our daughters were not his. I made him take a DNA and they came back 99.99.
Well, I feel for you, becarefull and take care. Good luck.

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Okay first of all you can not go into the store this other man is in.... Maybe it won't be convenient but its not right. Your husband has every right to be afraid ... the trust has been broken and either you have to be patient in letting that trust rebuild or let the relationship end. It hasn't even been a year yet ... how would you feel if it had been the other way around... do you think you could trust him again ..no problem..? If I was cheated on ..I would have to move on because I could not feel any trust again... You didnt just have a one night stand you had a relationship ..so not only does he have to deal with the betrayal but he has to deal with the fact that feelings must have been involved... so its not only physical betrayal but emotional betrayal.... I dont think its right that you still go in the store where the other man is ... you should try moving to another town or avoid the store because thats just making it harder.... Your husband must really love you to forgive you and stay an try to make things work ... so I suggest you give him a break or move on... Sorry to be harsh but youre the one who needs to make it up to him ... Its great you know you were wrong but its not as easy as saying sorry and getting over it ...

1 mom found this helpful


Im sure this has been very hard for you but you need to think of it from his point. Would this affair have ended if he hadn't found out. I think thats something he wonders about and honestly anyone in his shoes would. YOU have to decide do you really want this marriage to work and if you do you need to sacrifice ALOT meaning your freedom. But you should not be subject to daily torture either. I suggest you sit down and lay out where this marriage is going. Tell him how you feel, why you did what you did, why you sre sorry and how it can get better. Be willing to except some of the changes regardless how crazy let him call if it reassure him but I think you should call him say hey I was just thinking about you Im running to class, store ect. You both need to find the place that made you love eachother in the beginning. I hope things work out for you. You made a mistake A BIG one but you can recover if you love him enough and he really loves you.

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I think first off you need to try and understand where he is coming from. Yes, he doesn't need to throw it in your face, but you need to understand that he has the trust issue right now. Try to show him that things have gotten better between you two, and that he can trust you again. Just try and give him some time to come around. You should probably recheck with him if working through this is something you both truely want because if it's not then no matter what you try it isn't going to work. Try to collect some patience, and he needs to try and collect some self confidence to try and get over what has happened. It's something he is going to need to look deep within himself for. He also needs to understand that you truely are sorry for what has happened and that you too want things to get better, however, he needs to try.

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hello, you can't make him do anything ,, I have a differnt view on this , being from the other side , I was cheated on , and heres what happened , I decided to stay too , and I told myself over and over i could get past it , and trust again, and I wanted to , it hurts a lot , truth is I tried real hard to get over it , but could not , the reason why is , it stays in your mind , it was always in the back of my head like your hubby , if you are 5 minutes late he needs to know where you are , because there is a overwhelming fear that as soon as he let's up on you , you will do it again , here is my suggestion , # 1 discuss , it ask him , point blank is he going to be able to get past it or not , and here is how you can help , let him check on you in some areas , thats hard to explain , but I have a new husband , and sometimes i will check reciepts or emails , but he knows I do that ,, he let's me to show he's not hiding anything or being sneaky , and this whole thing had nothing to do with him, it's MY issue now .

your guy might really want to just get past it and trust you but maybe he just can't do it , he has to decide and make an effort , and stop throwing it in your face, the reason he does that is to hurt you , and try to make you feel his pain , when he is mad or hurt he want's you to feel as hurt as he did , that sounds mental , but I did it too, my ex and I finally broke up I drove him probably crazy with all my checking and re hashing it , we had a lot of other problems too , looking back , and now I am over it , it took me 3 years ,, THREE years, It got to the point where we fought every day and ended up hating each other for awhile , you don't want to get to that . You can't take back what you did , and he may not be able to let it go , even if he wants to , so heres a possibility sit down and lay down some rules ,, let him check on you once a day on the cell , whatever it is he does to feel like he is in control ,, let him have SOME, but make a limit ,, it's fear , he doesn't want to feel that bad again.
the other reason he throws it in your face is loss of control ,, for example he didnt know where you were for half an hour and he can't fix that so he lashes out. Thats the one thing he is doing wrong and not helping himself , by causing a fight . This is something HARD to get through , you guys could start with getting through the two holidays coming up by making an agreement to just enjoy them ,maybe discuss each others feeling in a calm way ONCE per day for the next 2 months. You can guarentee him you will not be doing anything with anyone for 2 months , sounds stupid , but it might help ,then go from there., well I went on and on , hope it helped.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi S.. I think that his doubt is something you are going to have to find a way to deal with. When you made the choice to have an affair you also chose to hurt him beyond on comprehention. If you are truly committed to your marriage then you should be willing to do what ever it will take to prove to him that what you did was aweful and that you would never ever do it again. If that means him calling you 30 times a day to see where you are and who you are with then that is what he needs. In time it will get easier but most importantly you need to prove your committment to him. I don't think he should be doing anything to hurt you, he needs to find a way to filter his emotions and express them in a loving way. Obviously I am coming from the other side of an affair. My husband cheated for four years and had been with the woman for nine months the day we got married. What ever consequences come with what you chose, should be worth bearing for your marriage with your husband. If not, then maybe being together is not what is best for you and the kids.

1 mom found this helpful

You can't make him trust you. you committed the ultimate betrayal. Is this the first christmas since the affair? It is just like a death the first year going through it realizing that last year at this time you may have been with the other man is certainly going to make him angry and hurt is the real word. He is hurt and he wants you to understand how he feels. You need to be completly Open. Getting irritated because he always wants to know where you are is unfair. It is a consequence of your action, for now. If you show him it bothers you he will think you are cheating again so be a crystal vase, transparent. The trust can take a while with much cooperation from you. You really need to reassure him constantly call him before he calls you to let him know you are thinking of him and want to reassure him. things like that. Make this whole time special for him so next year he'll remember your effort. Instead of the Other guy. Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

If you love him, then you can put up with this. The heart takes the longest to mend, and that is what's happening to him. Hooray for you guys that you're trying to work this out, just remember it takes time. Good for you that you realize you committed a wrong. And to be honest, he has every right not to trust you right now. I agree that he shouldn't be throwing your betrayal in your face on a daily basis, but unfortunately that is how some people cope. What I suggest, is maybe for you guys to go to separate counseling in addition to couples counseling. It may sound like he's not listening to the counselor because he's still trying to cope with this on his own and having you in there is keeping him from recieving the advice 100%.

What you can think about helping build the trust back, is voluntarily calling him throughout the day and keeping yourself available for him to reach you. The phone calls will pass eventually, so it's a small convenience you should be able to put up with. Plus, start working on your relationship by instituting a "date night" where you guys get a sitter and go out and have a nice night on town at least once a month (preferably more), to help remind you why you guys chose each other as partners. You must be the one to try and install the romance back in your marriage - it should give him the idea that you're trying to make this work. And put up with it - you made your bed, so sleep in it - time has a way of mending things so give it time.

1 mom found this helpful

I wish I knew what to say. I have the exact same problem. My husband found out about an affair I had and since then our marriage hasn't been the same. We are more brother and sister than lovers. He never comes near me anymore and that relationship has been over for 4 years.

I keep asking myself why I was attracted to someone else instead of my husband. Unfortunately after my daughter was born, my husband went from being the perfect husband to treating me like furniture.

The difference between your affair and mine is that mine was with my best friend, who is female. Didn't plan it or see it coming, but I don't regret it one bit. At least she listened to me and was very attentive to me. I am not a lesbian, but after that affair, I think I am bi because I long for that connection again and I do not think I will find it with another man.

Anyone else have this same issue?

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