How Do I Help My Husband Be More Involved?

For some men fatherhood comes easily, but not for others. I had the same problem with my husband because he was never much help when our daughter was born. I have always worked outside the home full-time, so I figured it would be nice to share the responsibilities... wrong. He never made an effort to help me get her to the doctor's. I was constantly asking him to be more involved with her because our daughter didn't like being with him. I felt bad for him because she was always pushing him away, but at the same time I knew he wasn't making much of an effort to bond with her. My husband works four 10-hour days, so he has Mondays off. About 1 year ago, I started leaving our daughter with him instead of taking her to the sitter's and simply told him that he knew how to get a hold of me if he needed me. He struggled at first, but now father & daughter have an awesome relationship! I'll be honest with you, though, that I was a bit skeptical at first because in the back of my mind I worried about him feeding her the wrong stuff, or not knowing when she was hungry, etc, etc. I knew that I had to learn to trust him if he was ever going to have any kind of relationship with our daughter. Now they do fun stuff on Mondays... he'll take her swimming, to the public library, to the movies, or to the park. I am proud of how he's come around because now he even schedules her dental/doctor appointments on Mondays, so that he's able to take her himself and I don't need to take time off from work. This man didn't change a single diaper when our daughter was an infant and now he's just awesome with her. I do praise him often about what a great dad he is and I have also asked why he couldn't help me this much from the beginning. Know what he said? He said it's because I was too controlling. That I always took charge of everything, so he just assumed that I didn't want the help. Imagine that?!?! With men, I guess sometimes you just have to be blunt :) The other thing he said to me is that he was afraid of becoming a dad for the first time. I had become a parent for the first time as well, but what benefited me is that I helped my mom raise my two younger sisters, so I had experience with children. He had none. So please give your husband some time. My husband had a very bad temper, but with our daughter he's learned to be patient. I have no doubts that your husband loves your son, but it's going to take some time and LOTS of patience. I kid you not when I say that my family is shocked at how much my husband has changed with our daughter. The two have take "mommy & me" classes and he actually enjoys taking care of her. Not sure if her age might also have something to do with the change, but hang in there. If you'd like, please feel free to e-mail me through this site whenever you feel the need to talk. I cried myself many nights to sleep because I felt overwhelmed with being a mom, homemaker and working full-time, yet wasn't getting any help from the hubby. It wasn't until she turned 3 y/o that he finally started helping.

3 moms found this helpful

Write down all the stuff he needs to do with your son and let him go by that. Somehow men expect women to automatically know everything just because we're women, and sometimes we are learning ourselves. But if he has something to work with, he might be more willing to chip in. Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

My husband was the same way. Then I figured out that he was basically "afraid" of our kids. He had no idea what to do with them. I thought it was funny, here's a man that could figure out how to build or fix anything but he couldn't figure out what to do with our kids. I was a bit more pushy about him getting to know his kids so on the weekends I would have him take the kids to the park or tell my husband that I needed milk & he would take one of the kids with him. If he needed to go to home depot I would send one of the kids with. Now it's a routine.

One thing that I recognized was that I couldn't be around when they were doing these things. I think my husband felt like he wasn't doing something right. So if I wasn't there to rescue my kids then my husband had to do it & it didn't matter whether it was wrong or not.

Being a mother is so different than a father but I figured if we divorced or I passed away or whatever the reason, that he would have to figure out how to do things so he better develop a relationship with his kids.

Perhaps you just need to leave, like day 1=30 minutes day 2=45 min day 3=1 hour etc.....that way he gradually will get used to being with him & tending to his needs. Don't make it to hard on him. Maybe make him a list just like you would a babysitter with what he eats, at what time he eats, what he can or can't have etc. This will take time but don't give up.

2 moms found this helpful

I think maybe your husband is depressed and needs lots of positive feedback whenever he interacts with your son. That may be why he is so impatient.

But I also think that lots of men don't know what to do with little kids -even their own. Women seem to find it easier and more natural to figure things out.

Just hang in there and try and praise your husband whenever he interacts and helps. I know this age is exhausting.

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It sounds like he is unsure and so he just defers to you about everything. Give him some time alone with the kids where he's in charge and he doesn't have to answer to you-that means that no matter how badly he screws up if the children are alive consider it a success and don't say anything negative. He needs some confidence in his ability to be a dad. Once he starts to get it, you can teach him the "right" way. He'll get it as long as he wants to and you have faith in him

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My husband was the same way... in some ways he still is. =) I was a stay at home mom, but when I started back to work I left our daughter with my husband two days a week. He had phone numbers to call, but he was basically on his own. he was much more appreciative after that. =) I recently had to have a long talk about what they did on his days off, cause he was just letting her watch tv and eat junk. they were both getting fat and lazy...=) So I found stuff in the area they could do together and give him the option of what they do... the park, the indoor play area, swim lessons. It helps to give them limited options (both dad and kids lol) and let them take it from there. patience comes with time and make sure he knows when his reactions are not appropriate. try not to correct in front of the kids though, a united front is helpful.
good luck
R.

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You did not say in your post, but have you and husband used VA family counseling services? I hear they are avaiable. Other than that, I guess being as up front with him as possible about what you need from him is all you can do. You can't change someone who is not wanting to change.
On the bright side, he does spend time with your son, maybe just keep directions for him (husband) simple. Write it down somewhere for him to refer to if need be. Create the structure for him. (My advise as an ex-special ed teacher. Sorry to hear you have double duty. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I am grateful to your husband for serving our country and I realize that many men and women are coming home with ptsd and it is very, very understandable. I also understand that living with it daily is really difficult also. I have a husband who suffers from depression and it has its ebbs and flows and has been a real frustration for the last 4 years. It's really difficult and tiring to be the one who keeps it all together and it does feel like you are the single parent most of the time. My husband did not actively engage with our children to the degree that I wanted or felt that he should till two years ago. I was the one at all the sporting events, birthday parties, doctor appt's, tournaments (driving at horrid hours of the morning and evening), etc...., then after his head started getting back on straight he realized how much he was missing. I think it will come in time. My husband lost about 8 yrs with my son who is 10 and 8 yrs with my daughter who is 16. It saddens him that he didn't spend more time, quality time making memories and enjoying them. He is now doing that. It took therapy, lots of therapy for him to overcome a lot of what he was going through. We went to counseling together, he went on his own, but we made it through. I hope for you that he will come around and step back into life! I hope this is helpful for you. Good luck to you and him!

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Hello, Try finding a book called "How to Father" by Fitzhugh Dodson. He give such good description of what a child acts like in various stages of his/her life. If you are able to find it and he reads it, it might help him to understand your son. I had the one called "How to Parent". It was very helpful. Of course, our kids are 32, 35, 40 and 42 now. I remember reading the part about the 4 year old behavior to my husband and we both laughed. It totally described our son. We were at our wits end and then when we realized that he was just being four, we were able to relax a little.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

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My husband was involved from the get go, but we talk about that and every thing else during our planning a family. just come out and ask him for help. tell him that co parenting is very family bonding.A man that knows how to take care of a baby/toddler is very sexy. Tell him so J.

Updated

My husband was involved from the get go, but we talk about that and every thing else during our planning a family. just come out and ask him for help. tell him that co parenting is very family bonding.A man that knows how to take care of a baby/toddler is very sexy. Tell him so J.

1 mom found this helpful

Take a weekend or a few days and go stay with a friend or go shopping or a spa - whatever..... Don't call except to tell them you arrived safely.
This is what you call trial by fire. The learning curve is steep and swift. He'll figure it out mighty quick.
It works - well.
LBC

1 mom found this helpful

Well your Hubby does not seem real bonded with your son.

He is a disabled vet... and is going through other 'stuff' as you said.

He may even be depressed.

Your son is now 2.5 years old... so your Hubby has not made any headway in 2.5 years... with him.

Perhaps, your Hubby needs to see a Counselor or join a support group.
He has issues... many. And it needs to be solved.

Next, he has no patience... for a child. Will this ever change? Some people just can't relate to a kid.

Perhaps, get him a child development book. The book "What To Expect The Toddler Years" is good. Have your Husband read it... .at least do something... to learn about kids. To be proactive.
AND he can go to Parenting classes.

No matter what... your Husband is a "Dad"... and a child is DIRECTLY impacted, positively or negatively, by their parent. And if your Husband never bonds or relates to his child... then your son, will notice and it will affect him and he might think your Husband does not love him nor care about him.
Your Husband... needs to think, about the 'image' he is sending his son... and the LEGACY of it, upon your son..... bottom line.

Perhaps, your Husband cannot get past his own problems... and so he does not have patience with a little child's NORMAL development and needs. But, so, your Husband has to work on himself... and if he is disabled and has other "stuff" going on... then GET HELP. He can either be a door-mat to himself... or he can be someone who DOES something about it... and empowers himself.... and helps himself.

Does he go to the Doctor? He should consider if he is depressed. You too. Do you think he is???? If so, he needs help.

Ultimately... I would really be concerned about how this is affecting your son now... and later. Your Husband, HAS TO think about that too. He is a 'Dad'... and he can't change that. It takes responsibility. And thinking beyond himself. A child is forming.... and getting influenced by their parent everyday. Is THIS the kind of "Dad" your Husband wants his son, to think he is???

All the best,
Susan

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Let your husband be in charge - just the 2 of them for one whole day. Go out with your girlfriends somewhere and let your husband know that he and his son can have some quality father/son time.

I am lucky in that I had to have surgery only 2 weeks after our son was born and it allowed my husband time to have to figure it out on his own without me hovering over him telling him how things should or should not be done. It allowed me to be confident in his abilities and not feel like I have to tell him how it should be done. I have multiple friends who have had this issue with their husbands and I always ask them, "have you let him take care your child - all by themselves - without you there to pipe in your own commentary?" Even if you don't say anything, Men often feel judged because you're the MOM and they feel like you are going to that they're doing something wrong so they just don't bother.

With one of my friends, I convinced her to come to a women's retreat with me for one full day (8:30-4:30) on a Sunday. When it was all said and done she said it was the best thing that could have happened for them. Her husband was nervous before she left, but when she returned she said he had totally turned a corner - he knew he could take care of their son now without having to get her advice and she felt confident in her husband as well that she didn't have to do everything. Now, there is more of an even distribution of labor when it comes to their son.

If you trust your husband, then give both of yourselves the gift of you going away for the day - maybe even just lunch and a movie with the girls to start.

Good luck,
S.