How Do I Help a Child Take a Joke? Teasing? Added Info

I definitely agree with Amanda and her "dry run" responses. My SD was getting teased at school and she'd lash out and then SHE would get in trouble too. At her school, it doesn't matter who started it. If she got mad, then they both got sent to the principal's office.

We did lots of role playing and helping her to come up with responses. First we did it with dolls, she "playacted" that she was one doll and then we were the teasers with the other dolls. That seemed an easier start because she was "removed" from the situation. Then after she had that down we did live role playing. We would say things to her as the "teaser" and then she would practice the response back. Those practice sessions always ended up in laughter.

The funny thing is, after we practiced those responses she never had to use them! The teasing just stopped. I think it has to do with a child's attitude, she was more confident after knowing what to say and I think the other kids sensed it and they left her alone. She never got sent to the principal's office again.

Her confidence rose with the role playing. It works! Good luck!

I agree with Page W. The only thing I might add from my perspective is that maybe you can do things to boost her self confidence. Because kids who have a good sense of self worth are able to experience the benefits of resiliency regardless of whether she's being bullied or part of innocent kid humor. If the other kids are friends she can maybe learn from you differnet ways to communicate with them that they would be able to understand. I had a friend in early elementary school say it made her feel sad when me and others teased her and I remember thinking to stop and say I was sorry. We stayed close for a few years and didn't tease eachotther much and had fun. So giving other kids a chance to know what they are doing isn't being taken as a joke will enable not only them to shine in kindness but might be good for your daughter to see some of her peers care:)

Maybe in the meantime don't tease her much at home but model what friendly teasing looks like with people she knows love one another. Just a thought:)

I also answered your other post. :)
The short answer is that in my experience they ARE making fun of her, or rejecting her. Trying to see it as something different is going to be next to impossible. Seeing is as an opportunity to help define who IS and who IS NOT her friend is probably a good thing.
This sounds like me at that age. The fact for me was that there was nothing I could have done to avoid the teasing, and nothing that would have made it enjoyable. If I was not getting teased for being tall, then it was because my hair was not the right length, or right curl/straight, or my socks/shoes were not the latest fashion, or etc. It did not matter that most of the things I was picked on about were COMPLETELY out of my control. I was the person in the class chosen to be picked on.
I made it past this time in my life by disappearing into books. I could escape from the other kids into stories about other kids and their adventures. I eventually made friends who accepted me as I was, and did not tease me about things - especially those that I could not change.
Encourage her to find something that she enjoys doing - either on her own, or with completely different kids, or with adults.
Your post reads as though you think she is doing something to attract this attention. Trust me, if I had been able to figure out a way to make friends with the kids that teased me - I would have done it in a heartbeat. I tried for years, and it did not matter.
Don't assume that she could 'change' something and this would pass. Encourage her to be herself. Let her know that she is not alone in this, and that there are others out there that are picked on too. Let her also know that at some point she WILL make friends with people who like her just the way she is. Encourage her to stand up for herself, and not to let the crowd dictate what she does. Encourage her to not take to heart all the things that they say to her. If she listens to what 'they' say to others that are not in their crowd, she may find that they are just as mean to others as they are to her.

In short - biggest suggestion for her is- ignore them, and try not to give a good reaction.
(Who is more 'fun' to tease - the girl who ignores the taunts, or the girl that cries? I don't understand why, but the one who cries is going to be picked on more. Note though, just because you ignore the taunts, does not mean that they do not hurt. They still hurt.)
Support her, and be there for her. That is your job as a M.. Appreciate her for who she is, and encourage her to become someone who can be independent of the crowd. Many hugs to both you and her!

I like Amanda J's answer. My brother was bullied in elementary school. I will tell you it is because he never knew how to react to it and took it too hard, and didn't have the self-confidence or social skills to handle it right. He would over-react to teasing, get too emotional and upset. To kids, that is a green light to continue. I disagree that teasing is always mean. If a kid takes it as mean, starts to cry, or takes it too hard, then the teasing turns mean and that kid becomes a magnet to be teased. Other kids think it is funny and are relieved that they are not the one being teased.

Like people used to tease me about my last name, because it rhymns with a lot of common words. I didn't think they were being mean, and I didn't care, and I didn't overreact, so they continued rhyming and I would make up rhymes about my last name and their last name too.

So if they are teasing her about liking a boy, she should laugh it off, and say back, "you totally want This boy, and I think he is in love with you." Get her to laugh or roll her eyes at the teasing like it is no big deal, and then learn to rib the other kids back good-naturedly, not angrily, but playfully.

The examples you give is not innocent teasing. The words are meant to hurt her. My mother told us over and over that "sticks and stones will hurt my bones but words will never hurt me." Those words actually helped me to put what they said in perspective.

My mother also explained that when I reacted in a hurt manner the kids would just do more of the same. She suggested that either I laugh with them or turn my back and ignore them. She said to practice doing that over and over. And it did help me.

She also tried to help me understand why the child was teasing me by looking at them and their insecurities. This has helped me as an older child and adult but wasn't much help while I was in grade school. The one thought that I didn't understand is that the child doing the teasing is jealous. I've found that to frequently be true, even looking back on it. At the time I had such low self-esteem I couldn't imagine anyone being jealous of me.

Does your daughter have friends who are kind? I suggest that she focus on her friends and practice ignoring the rude kids who tease inappropriately. Practice until it becomes real. This may not be easy to do but it can be done. I know because I've done it.

I didn't have friends at that age but I focused on my family and took comfort in them telling me I was OK.

My granddaughter, who is very outgoing, has learned to dish it back at them most of the time. She has more difficulty when the teasing involves a boy. But as to eating messily, I was at the lunch table when one of her friends told her she was making a big mess and she laughed and agreed. Then she turned to that person and in a friendly voice said you made a mess too. Everyone laughed.

Do things and say things to build her self-esteem. When she's self-confident the teasing won't bother her as much.

The best way to get her to react in a way that will end the teasing and win her more friends is to do some "dry run" practices to get her "bully proof humor" in resilience mode. By practicing a few canned responses in non-emotional role play scenarios, she can remove the vulnerability she feels when her looks, interests, intelligence, or character are challenged.

You as a parent, can make a list of the top 4 or 5 things she is most commonly teased for that she could be able to turn around with a positive and infectious humor. When you guys are in non-threatened down time (like riding in the car, cooking dinner together, getting ready for bed at night) you can run through one or two role play situations with her in reverse (have her be the bully and you be her) That way, she can not only memorize the words you use, but your confident and easy body language as well as happy and unintimidated facial expressions in order to diffuse the stressful moments she will undoubtedly face a million times before her peers "grow out of it".

Let her know that kids often "tease" or "joke" about things that make them feel uncomfortable or vulnerable about and by reacting to what they are feeling rather than saying, she can make friendships stronger and prevent herself from feeling victimized by every kid that doesn't know the "right" way to express emotion (which is nearly every kid on the planet between the ages 4 and 24).

For example: If a little girl in her class teases her by saying "I can't believe you are wearing pigtails, are you a pig?" This girl is most likely feeling unhappy about her own looks and if you could hear her thoughts she might really be saying "Your hair looks pretty and mine doesn't. The other kids are noticing you and it makes me jealous so if I tease you, maybe they'll notice me too and I'll feel pretty.".... In this instance, if your daughter could try to hone in on the other girl's emotions of insecurity rather than her mean words, she could prevent herself from internalizing those hurtful words and helping the other girl in the process. You could role-play something like: "I know, I love my hair this way. It's out of my face and I like the way it makes my ends curl. I guess they are kind of like little curly pigs-tails. Although, does that mean that pony tails make you look like a horse? *giggles* I liked when you wore your hair like <insert honest compliment> it was really pretty. So, back to what we were talking about anyways......"

Later, away from anyone else, she can take the girl aside and say..."I know you weren't trying to be nice when you mentioned my hair today but I think it's because you were feeling <sad, angry, insecure, etc>. I like you but real friends don't say things like that."

By trying to look under the mean words, she will feel tons better about her ability to control the situation in a way that results in a happy ending for everyone.

I don't often disagree with Page W, but I do here. Teasing can be hurtful, but often it's loving. It's a quick way also of figuring out who's part of the "in group" and who's part of the "out group." Weren't you ever a part of an "inside joke?" An inside joke does not have to be at someone else's expense (then it's mean). But it is a shared experience, a shared memory of something that was fun at the time. If you think back to your childhood experience, hopefully there's something were you can say "remember how we used to think that XYZ was so funny?" I'm willing to bet that there's someone who didn't think that was funny and felt excluded. You didn't mean them to feel excluded, it just happened.

I agree with Amanda 100% practice lighthearted responses. Remind her over and over that it's not about _her_. She doesn't have to be mean to others to fit in. She does need to have shared common experiences. If she's always feeling targeted, or always judging the kids and accusing them of being mean, then she's not a part of the experience, she's outside of it.

Also, if this gets worse, consider taking her to a child psychologist. They do a lot of role playing activities, and can also help the child get to the root of why they're so bothered by the teasing in the first place. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with her at all.

I agree with your husband. This is behavior that she's going to have to learn to deal with. Were the teasing truly malicious (telling her she's ugly, she has no friends, being ostracized, physical violence) then it's bullying and the school must get involved to stop it. But NO ONE can make people be kind to each other all the time. She has to learn how to stick up for herself.

Good luck.

Teasing IS making fun of people. Teasing is the lowest form of humor, if it can be considered humor at all.

It really depends on who the other kids are and what their motive is. If she is being endlessly teased, I would call this "bullying."

Also, parents "teasing" their children is not funny either. So when the children react negatively to it, it's not surprising.

Amanda above, has some great ideas.

I may have mis-understood your posting. so I will remove my first answer so people are not taking me wrong.

My daughter has some anxiety issues and I finally pulled her out of the public schools in 5th. She is now homeschooled and it has done a world of good. She is not exclued, we have girl scouts, church youth group, fencing class and art class.
In 1st and 2nd grade she was in a Christian school, yes there was some cliquish behavior but nothing compared to the public schools that we have encountered. We are military and have moved every 2-3 years.
She is finally talking about going to the highschool after next year. She is in 7th now.
This is your daughter. She is only in 3rd? 4th?. What these kids are doing is bullying her, in my opinion. This is not just a little fun poke here and there.