May 21, 2012,
A.E. asks from Woodstock, GA on May 18, 2012
How Do I Get Rid of My Teen Son's Girlfriend from Hell?
At first she seemed nice enough. We had her over to our house. We set rules, but they were not obeyed. Both her and our son would be found in his bedroom which they were told was not allowed. She wored his boxer shorts to go swimming in our pool. She went to his bedroom with her swimsuit on then came out wearing his clothes. She had her own clothes and we have plenty of bath rooms she could change in! They are both 17 years old. She has also lied so many times I've lost track, yet he doesn't see it. She swears and thinks nothing of it. She does nothing to try to impress us and is just horrible to be around. We told him our feelings, we said he needs to stop seeing her. He's grounded off the computer from chatting with her (she texts on her phone 24/7). They still see eachother at school. He came home with the words "I Love You" written on his hand today, and a necklace she gave him also. We have told her parents the situations and how we don't want them seeing eachother any longer. They have lied about many things together as well. This has made a huge strain on our family. What can we do to get rid of her for good? I feel he's going to just keep sneaking around to see her or chat with her somehow. I am stressed feeling I have to watch him like a hawk all the time. Summer vacation starts next week. Thanks.
D.. answers from Charlotte on May 18, 2012
Added: Not sure how you actually are able to answer your own question (a So What Happened is normal practice), but in regards to skipping school:
A couple of moms here have said that the way to deal with that is to go to school with your kid. Walk him from class to class. As soon as school is over, walk him to the tutor, then pick him up and take him home. He should be absolutely humiliated that you are doing this. Of course, if you work outside the home, you can't spend the days at school. But it has put the "kabosh" on the other kids skipping. If the girl's mother is a SAHM, she should do the same.
After school, whichever parent is there, let them see each other and sit down together and do their homework and study. In the kitchen or dining room. Treat her like she is part of your family without being mean, but expecting her to go by your rules. Tell them that they are not allowed in the bedroom - only in the gameroom. Tell the brothers not to "disappear". Tell both your son and his gf that if they don't follow the rules in your home, you will drive her home and she can't come over for 3 days. Tell them both that they are an example in your house to the other kids and they need to remember that as older teens, they set the bar. And you are not interested in being a grandmother this early, and you are sure that her mother is not interested in being a grandmother this early either.
Your son sounds like he is not interested in college. Time to get him interested in a career. Tell him that if he is going to end up getting married, he will have to be able to provide for them. Tell him that they cannot live with you. Go show him apartments, let him look at a lease agreement, ask the apartment manager to run the numbers. Take him to look at cars and look at THOSE numbers. Take him to an insurance agency and let him look at the cost of THAT. Take him all over town to put out applications for a job. He should see what the salary is. Then plug the numbers into a calculator so he can see what FICA and taxes will take and what he will end up with. Deduct apartment, car and insurance from THAT. Unless he is an absolute dummy, he will "get" it.
You should be demanding that he get a job this summer. Spend every single minute driving him everywhere to put in applications. Make him think like an adult if he wants to "play" adult with this girlfriend.
And be nice to her parents. They are evidently struggling too, and Lord knows what they think of YOUR son, by the way. If that mother were here on MP, I can only imagine the stuff she would say about the boy and about you trashing her daughter.
Well, your son is just as complicit in the behaviors as she is. Why are you giving your son a break here? This really shouldn't be about her. This should be about HIM. HE is the one you can't trust. And he is the one who is flaunting your rules.
You have to learn, Mama, that trying to say no to their relationship makes it forbidden fruit. Unlike the girls' mom, you can't go to the doctor and get depo-provera shots. You can't proactively prevent pregnancy. But you can actually push these two into having sex if you do this "watch him like a hawk" thing.
Re-think your strategy. Instead of thinking about how you can get rid of her, think about how you can get your son to start respecting the rules of your home in regards to his guests. Instead of this being about HER, it should be about ANY girl he brings over.
I told my son that bedrooms were off limits. They can be in the living room by themselves - we will go upstairs and give them privacy. He was told that if we let his girlfriend go in his bedroom, then we'd have to allow it with his younger brother (who actually isn't dating yet anyway). And we stuck to that. I also told my son that he needed to understand that her mother needed to respect him, and that meant behaving appropriately in word and deed when over at her house. Interestingly enough, the girlfriend's mom allowed them in her bedroom (with the door open). When he brought that up, I reminded him that I couldn't concern myself with her rules - I knew that the rules I had set forth in my house were what we needed.
I also talked a lot about personal responsibility in terms of pregnancy and STD's. AND the fact that child support goes on and on and on, and I wouldn't pay it for him.
I let him know that I trusted his judgment. He never gave me cause to not trust it.
You obviously don't trust your son. But I think that you are basing this mistrust on HER instead of him.
It might help you to treat her as if she were your daughter instead of a guest. You should have clear rules. "Susie, this bathroom is the one I want you to use. Please wear your bathing suit in the pool instead of regular clothes." And stop worrying about her wearing his clothes. She enjoys it because it makes her feel good. If you can get her out of his bathroom and bedroom and have her wear a bathing suit in the pool, two out of three "ain't bad". Sometimes you have to pick your battles.
Tell her what you want help with in the kitchen. Tell your SON to help you in the kitchen. Have them both clean the dishes when dinner is done.
However, you should TRY to make it comfortable in your house for them, a place without all this family strain so that they will want to stay. It's better than them going out somewhere else (sneaking around, as you put it.)
Look, he is 17. You are acting like he is 15 or younger, not wanting him to talk to her. Kids today text and talk to each other all day long. (Yeah, I've said to my husband, "What on EARTH do they find to text about!" And then he reminded me of when he and I used to talk on the phone and fall asleep talking to each other, neither of us wanting to be the one who hung up first!)
I hope you can see the truth of the matter that the more you push against her, the more you will make your son want to be with her. When he turns 18, he can do what he wants - you may find that all of a sudden he turns up married to her and living with her folks. And then you will have a daughter-in-law, and bad relations from the start that will take years, or maybe forever, to fix.
14 moms found this helpful
A.C. answers from Atlanta on May 18, 2012
I met my husband when I was 17. When he went off to college, his parents had my parents over for tea to talk to them about breaking us up. They thought we were too serious too young and shouldn't be tied down in college (they also thought he could do better, although I don't think they said that to my parents, only to him). My parents politely told them that forbidding the relationship would only encourage it, which didn't stop his parents from trying to split us up every chance they got.
Six years later, I married him. Now, I was not a girlfriend from hell. My interests may not have been those that my in-laws would have chosen for their son, but I was always very polite, respectful, and I followed the rules. So did he. You have in your family a young man who is not respectful and not following the rules, so I say banning contact has a success probability of maybe 1%.
Around the same time, my brother had a girlfriend much like your son's - very disrespectful and sneaky. It lasted only a few months out of high school, without any parental intervention.
I agree with the others that your problem is not this girl. It's your son. If you told them she was not allowed in his room, then he is the one allowing her to be in there. You need to deal with him instead of worrying about her. I agree that a birth control chat is the least that is needed here, and I really like Malia's idea of letting your son know what expenses will be involved in living on his own and supporting a child, as well as his income (after taxes). I hope this will work itself out as your son matures. Good luck.
12 moms found this helpful
M.B. answers from Austin on May 18, 2012
Ok.... here's my solution....
Banning her won't work... he is already showing you he doesn't respect your rules. As others have said, he is thinking only with one part of his anatomy.... the more forbidden she is, the more desirable she becomes.
So...... you need to sit down with him and have a REAL facts of life talk with him. Not about sex... he's heard that many times.
Get real with him.... talk to him about the costs/responsibilities of adulthood... how much money can he make with a basic minimum wage job? How far will that stretch? How would he pay for/support a child?
Show him the costs of apartments... of utilities/car insurance/ EVERY expense you can think of.
Have him actually work with the figures on paper.... monthly costs for apartment, utilities, furniture, groceries, insurance.....
Be sure to point out that if he does father a child, he is responsible for it FOREVER....... and that you won't be paying his bills.
And... above all...... stress the absolute importance of HIM taking responsibility for birth control.... tell him that the pill fails much more than people realize, because some of them are so low-dose that if you deviate by very much time-wise, they don't work.
12 moms found this helpful
T.F. answers from Dallas on May 18, 2012
When you forbid him to see her and vice versa, you just created their motive to prove you wrong. Rebellion will now be in effect for both teens.
She is now forbidden which means she is 10x plus more desirable to him.
I hope you have some sort of communication with you son that is not all one sided to your benefit. He needs to know you listen to him, you care for him, and you are watching out for him while he makes his own choices.
Teens with bf and gf have a mindset and if patents don't show them any respect for the feelings they have for each other then the parents just doom themselves.
So you hate her, her parents probably don't like him ( your son) either because his parents ( you) insinuate that their daughter is trash.
You need some open communication without judgements and just listen. If you don't... You will be driving them together out of spite.
9 moms found this helpful
D.B. answers from Dallas on May 18, 2012
I agree with Dawn. This shouldn't be about blaming the girlfriend. This should be about holding your son accountable for breaking your rules. He's choosing to date her, he's choosing to lie and not follow your house rules. You're missing the forest for the trees. Broaden your perspective and focus on how you want him to behave in any relationship, not just this one specifically.
Teach him to have high standards, and expect the same from girlfriends. Teach him to truly value women by treating them respectfully, and to encourage girlfriends to respect themselves. Teach him to make good choices regardless of what others pressure him to do. Teach him accountability by enforcing consequences when he breaks the rules, instead of blaming his girlfriend (like remove the door from his bedroom if they continue to break that rule).
And sit down with the girlfriend and have a heart to heart. Try to get to know her better (beyond the abrasive surface presentation - I have a feeling it's covering vulnerability and insecurity) and see the good that your son sees in her. And instead of listing the rules and then harping on her (and your son) for breaking the rules, explain why you have the rules you do. Tell her she's much too lovely and intelligent to use vulgar, offensive language. It's not "adult" language, it's crude and inappropriate, and you want your home to be a place where words are used to uplift, encourage, express love, and create a positive environment. Directly address each problem behavior, and what you expect to see instead. Tell them they are going to be adults soon, and with adult privileges come adult responsibilities. Sneaking around, disrespecting rules, and lying are not very mature.
9 moms found this helpful
C.W. answers from Lynchburg on May 19, 2012
I feel your pain!
You have gotten some excellent advice from the mom's here. You do not mention...but IF you have other kiddos...the manner in which you handle this can make 'future' dating experiences clearer when your youngers get older.
My story (and I am sticking to it) is my eldest son got his first GF around this age. His father and I were going through a divorce...so tensions were high.
This young lady was...well...a real tramp...(is that word even used any more??). I did not of course 'share' this point of view with my son. I DID however 'ramp up' my condom use chats...I was always very cordial to her...I invited her over LOTS because I felt there was at least a bit more supervision in my home while they were there.
My son was planning to go to college about an hour from home. Suddenly, he switched his plans, and decided to go to the college 'she' had selected. I thought I would have a heart attack...lol...But I merely smiled sweetly...(well, maybe not so sweetly...)
They broke up during his freshman year. She became preggers shortly thereafter...dropped out of school...and now is raising 2 kiddos on her own.
My eldest is now 23...an officer in the military in Ft Riley KS.
We had a conversation about this GF a while ago...and he asked..."Why didn't you say anything about her mom? Surely you knew..."
I replied that IF I had said something about 'her'...rather than how a condom could perhaps 'protect' 'them' (in more ways than one) that 'I' would have been a granny his freshman year...and him a daddy!
I had this conversation with eldest in front of the youngers...some learning must have taken place...
I am still not a granny! lol
readily available for practice
8 moms found this helpful
M.F. answers from Portland on May 18, 2012
Hate to break it to you, but the more you try and pull them apart, the more they are going to cling to one another...
All teenagers do this, you don't like their friend, that friend becomes their best friend.
You don't like the girl they dated a couple of times, that girl becomes the "love of their life".
You don't like the clothes they wear, they will wear that and much more extreme ones.
Same for music, food, video games, movies... anything you can think of.
Also, he is 17?
You wont have a say at all in a few more months, and he knows it.
There is nothing you can do.
Either accept it and her and make the best of it, and try and keep your son in your life, or continue to fight her, him and it and watch him disappear when he turns 18.
The best thing a parent can do is (pretend) to LOVE the thing/person their teens do and the teens will not feel the need to rebel by clinging to that person/thing.
If they are going to or have had sex the bedroom is not the only place... cars, under the bleachers, friends houses, the park, her parents house...
I would, instead, focus on making sure he knows to use a condom every time or the next struggle is going to be a grand kid.
8 moms found this helpful
A.S. answers from Atlanta on May 19, 2012
Sorry if I am repeating those that have answered....I am 99% sure my parents were not thrilled with my high school boyfriend, but they never said a word which in my opinion was brilliant. The more parents protest, the more interesting that item/person becomes that they are protesting....and the more secretive they become. There are not many people that end up staying with their HS sweethearts for life, so I would let it run its course. I do agree with the "no opposite sex people in the bedroom" rule. Smother them with love and acceptance but make it clear that rule HAS to be followed for them to be together in your house. Good luck!
7 moms found this helpful
R.R. answers from Dallas on May 18, 2012
to forbid teens to see each other is to drive them together. Some reverse psychology works wonders. Lift the restriction on them seeing each other and make it as HARD as you can. When she is over, you have to be all over them. Don't give them the opportunity to go into his room. If they do, the door comes off until further notice. (That being until girlfriend from hell is gone - but don't tell him that). If she doesn't have a swimsuit, then "oh, I'm so sorry, I guess we can't swim". I know it will be harder on you, but it will drive them crazy, and soon it won't be worth it. If he wants to go to her house - it's not no but hell no - her parents don't agree with your value's.
I also suggest putting a keylogger program on your computer, and allow him to talk to her on the computer, which needs to be in the living room, not his room.
Don't fight with him over her, be nice to him and nice to her, but just be very vigilant when they are together, and also, make random checks on where he says he will be to make sure he is doing what he says. It is really hard, but teens are terribly hard.
This method worked several times with unwanted boyfriends and girlfriends of my 3 older kids.
6 moms found this helpful
K.M. answers from Chicago on May 18, 2012
You have just screwed yourself - she is now forbidden fruit and will continue to date her just to spite you. You need to welcome her in to your family and keep them together SOO much they get sick of eachother. Discuss future plans, how much you want your son to get married and have babies, talk about her becoming part of your religion, church and all of those things. Remove your son's bedroom door - privacy is earned not given and just smother them with the family's love and devotion to their relationship and make sure they smother each other until they are sick of each other and break up. Now, this will take some time to be honest but much less than your current route and it will seem to not be working just as it is working perfectly. Basically reverse pshycology but the whole family (better if hers is in on it too - agree that your son is the bad guy here if that is their impression) must be in on it and agree to do this whole heartedly - no half as$ efforts here. Good Luck to you and yours!
Oh and this is when the pictures/home movies etc of pregnancy and childbirth will come in handy.
6 moms found this helpful
S.L. answers from New York on May 19, 2012
Make her your best friend!
and stop pretending he is an innocent being led down the wrong by path by her.
6 moms found this helpful
B.F. answers from Chicago on May 19, 2012
First you need to figure out if it is the girl you dislike so much or if it is the idea that your son has a serious girlfriend. Many girls that age are probably a bit annoying, so don't be too judgmental. He is 17 and the most important thing is to tell him all about birth control an how to use it. Chances are that he will not marry that girl, but be careful how you deal with this situation, because maybe he will...
My husband and I have been together since we are 18. His parents were all sweet at the beginning, but once they realized that things got serious, they became all mean. They told him what a bad influence I was on him, how he could do so much better, and eventually they told him he was not allowed to see me anymore. He refused and eventually they realized that I will be part of their life and they pretended the whole thing never happened. We got married at 21 but didn't have kids until almost 30 (when he was done with this Masters). We both do very well and we are still happily together. In retrospect I think it was probably more about their fear of him having a girlfriend, having sex and doing something that could jeopardize his future than it was about me as a person. They undoubtedly would have preferred if he would have fallen for someone "better" than me with my blue collar dad and stay at home mom.
I have forgiven them for how they treated me but I WILL NEVER FORGET IT.
6 moms found this helpful
S.H. answers from Honolulu on May 18, 2012
They are young.
Chances are it won't last.
This is your home... you tell her, about RESPECT in your home.
This is an immature relationship.
If you forbid it, they will sneak around.
I would worry about, hoping that she does NOT get pregnant.
I hope, your son, KNOWS about birth control and STD's and how easy many teens get pregnant.
Does he know these things and do you/Hubby talk to him about it?
They both seem very immature. They are 17.
Again, this is but one romance.
It won't last.
Teach him about common sense.
I would hope he learns how to choose girlfriends in the future.
Or is he of the same mind, as the girl he chooses?
I have a cousin, that always chose bad girlfriends. After being burned and used so much, he learned. He is now married to a nice woman.
When I was 17, you think you know everything. But thankfully, my DAD taught me about guys about girls, about how to be treated and how to treat the opposite sex.
Luckily I listened to him. Not that I did not make mistakes, but a KID has to be TAUGHT. Not just allowed to be wild horses sowing oats all over the place without responsibility.
It is YOUR house. YOU convey, to that girlfriend from hell and your son... that they need to grow up.
Or, you get to know her... and that way, you can "control" her. Or make her realize, that you are not a door-mat or a hotel, when she is there.
If I acted like that with a boyfriend in my "parents" house at that age... NO way would I even get away with it.
Nor would I let my "child" do that at anyone else's home.
And so: you told her parents. What did THEY say?
They are still gonna see each other somehow. Even if you forbid it.
Age wise, they are 17.
But they do not act like "adults" nor even have the cognizance of that nor do they even know respect. Or common sense.
So, they are acting like CHILDREN.
Treat them that way.
If your son (or she) does not like it, too bad.
Or tell your son to pay rent and for things that his girlfriend uses in your home.
If the girlfriend leaves stuff around, TELL her "pick it up, the sink is over there. You are 17, not 7."
Keep a running list, of what he/she does or uses in your home and what they lie about.
Basically, they don't care. About you/your home/about what Dad thinks.
They are acting totally flippant.
And no, not all 17 year olds, with girlfriends/boyfriends, act that way.
5 moms found this helpful
E.G. answers from Atlanta on May 19, 2012
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I hate to break it to you, but as hard as you try to break them up, will be as hard as they try to stay together. If you don't lay off a bit your gonna end up a grandma, or have a brand new daughter in law living in your basement with your son. I think you just need to make it hard for them not to follow the rules. If she won't stay out of his room, take the door off. How long do you think it will take for your son to also enforce the rules. If there is no swearing in the house, time for a swear jar and everyone that steps in your house must obey the rule period. If their caught lying, ground him on a weekend day to chores and mama helper duties. You say they text, well if he has his phone on him one night when he's late, GPS him and show up. My hubbie had to do this a couple of times with his kids, I had to do it once. I still smile when I think of the looks on their faces when I showed up. Be the parent, you can do this. Good luck!
4 moms found this helpful
R.K. answers from Appleton on May 18, 2012
I hate to put it this way but...
How many grandchildren do you want to have her provide for you? If you keep trying to push them apart and break them up -- you will get grandchildren. If she isn't allowed at your house and they are not allowed to see each other and they really want to see each other they will find a way. They will sneak behind you back and find seculded places they can be together and without supervision one thing will lead to the next and soon you will be planning a baby shower. And then no matter what you do -- where you go --- or what you say she will be a part of your life forever.
I suggest counseling with a family counselor, who specializes in issues with teens, for you and your husband. Hopefully through counseling you will find the tools to talk to him so he understands.
If you keep saying bad things about her he will only defend her and soon he will feel as though he is her only friend. Back off the negative comments and just accept that he will see her if he really wants to.---Unless you pack up and move across the country, today.
4 moms found this helpful
L.B. answers from Biloxi on May 18, 2012
Yeah, the more you push her away, the more he will want to be with her.
Kinda' Romeo and Juliet - tragic in love - them against the world thing.
I went through this with my son in the fall. He had his very first girlfriend and the more I got to know her the more I disliked her. She was pushy, and clingy, and demanding, and overtly sexual, and fraught with drama. My son, being that this was his first girlfriend was determined to "make it last". So I "gave in". I began inviting her to the house for movie nights, Christmas decorating, etc. I was determined to get know her better and find some redeeming quality. I could not.
But I learned that the more negative I was about her, the more determined my son was to stick by her. So I let it run its course. Eventually he began to see her for what she was, and ultimately, when he began to refuse some of her requests and try to "normalize" the relationship, she dumped him.
Long way around the bushes to say, you can't get rid of her. Stop pushing him to break up with her. Start being a monitor to their relationship. Basically, sit on them. Let her come over for movie night, and everyone sit in the room together. If one goes down the hall, don't let the other one. It is a pain but you must present it as the only way they are going to see each other.
I wish you luck. Hopefully, this will run its course since they are young yet.
4 moms found this helpful
A.J. answers from Williamsport on May 18, 2012
Phew, summer vacation as in NO SCHOOL.
I had a boyfriend my parents didn't like at that age. But he was a nice guy, so it really was unfair. But. Being limited in my idle time with a boy certainly didn't hurt me. I didn't get pregnant or spend all my time with a guy rather than working and doing productive things. Those were the days when parents actually could control their kids to an extent. There were no cell phones or internet. I needed permission to go places. He CERTAINLY didn't come over and hang out, and of course we would not have gone in my room. We saw each other at work (bagging groceries) where a parent picked us up after and we would have been busted for not showing up by the boss. We went on group trips to the movies-again, someone picked us up after. He had decent morals and everyone knew we wouldn't be having sex in the crowded theater at prime time movie hours-and we didn't. We could only do what we could afford to do and no one was given car privileges or gas or money to hang out. These would have been the rules even if they liked him to be honest. We both had jobs and activities outside of school.
Sounds like your rule wasn't really all that serious if it was broken and she was still coming over.
If this was my son, he'd be heading into summer on a short leash for all the lies he told, and disrespect of rules on his part, not so much because she's a bad person (but I'm glad you made your feelings known to him). I may not forbid hm from seeing her, but I certainly wouldn't pay for his phone, provide much computer access, or let her come over. It stands to reason someone who has not respected your rules is not allowed over. No one can force you to fudge on that.
17 is old enough to work, and boy would he be busy with lots of bills to pay. He's almost an adult. He should be working full time all summer with very limited free time to do SUPERVISED things with her NOT at your house or her house. Too much of a drag? He can move out and date her in a year.
***ETA sorry, I disagree completely with keeping them together a lot. Nope. You can be nice and listen, and not say mean things about her, but you do NOT have to welcome trash into your family unless your independent ADULT son brings her home as a fiance.
4 moms found this helpful
H.W. answers from Portland on May 18, 2012
If he's seventeen and feels he's in charge of his life, then it's time to have that very eye-opening conversation about his options.
What are his hopes and dreams? What is he wanting to do after he graduates? Just listen for a while, and let him tell you what he wants.
After he's done talking, ask him how he thinks Miss Thing is going to fit into the picture. See what he has to say.
I really like what Malia suggested about giving him information regarding the real world. I also liked Leigh and Amy J's suggestion that he either get a job over the summer (maybe at a daycare, where he can see how much work kids are?:))or volunteer at some place which would require him to show up.
Above all, I'd try to handle this not as a control issue, but as a "I have some concerns and this is why" moment. Especially if her parents are being dishonest, too. (Was it your son or the parents that were being dishonest? That's a little ambiguous to me. Either way, that's a pretty big red flag. )If your son is being dishonest, you could always ask him if he wants to date a girl who puts him in the position of lying and hurting your trust with him. Would a person who loved someone put them in that sort of situation?
If you do decide that she is welcome to visit, make ground rules and then stick to them immediately. If she's not where she's supposed to be, she goes home immediately for the rest of the day. I can understand why you are so turned off by her and so upset, and I also think that leveling with him regarding your concerns is better than just banishing her alone.
And it would be good for your husband to have a conversation regarding what he might think of a young woman who behaves like this. Decide if you want to make birth control available (via condoms in the bathroom) or not, together with your husband. He could have a discreet conversation with your son which doesn't condone, but does let him know that although you don't approve of it, he needs to 'suit up' if he does decide to have sex with this young woman because you care about him having options for his future.
Your son is likely trying to flex his 'autonomy', so to speak. Too bad their brains don't mature until they're 21 or so...
3 moms found this helpful
L.R. answers from Washington DC on May 18, 2012
It's good that summer vacation starts next week.
If it's not too late to enroll him -- Can you get him into some kind of summer program or camp (he's old enough to be a counselor somewhere)? Away from the area? With strict adult counselors who will enforce a no-visitors rule? I'm not joking. It would be good for him to get outside his own head and do something to help others, and it would get him physically away from her.
Alternatively, tell him this summer he has to have a job. Maybe two. And his life is work and the job. But not a job where she can hang out around him and be on his radar while at work. No paid jobs left? Volunteering, all day, every day. Again, gets him busy and gets him outside his own head.
You don't say if he was disciplined for the lying. If you overreact to her existence, you will make her sweeter "forbidden fruit" to him and he'll feel even more defensive and loyal about her. But the lying should have been the subject of serious discipline such as taking away something he values highly (like driving privileges for a very long time, or all phone use for a month) or grounding him. For the lying, though - not for the choice of girlfriend, or it makes her all the more interesting to him.
I hope you can get him out of town or into a job where she can't turn up.
3 moms found this helpful
T.V. answers from San Francisco on May 18, 2012
It seems like they both know how you and your husband feel and neither have ANY respect for your feelings. SO I suggest that you and her parents take both "little rabbits" to your local Planned Parenthood Clinic, have them examined, and educated on STDs and tell them that while you will not permit their "going for it" at your home and hopefully the girl's parents feel the same, if they think they are ready....BE READY TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.
As a side note, if her parents think all this is OK, then ask if they are ready to let your son move in and support the two of them and perhaps a grandchild.
3 moms found this helpful
J.L. answers from Minneapolis on May 18, 2012
Send him off to do mission work with a church this summer. He'll be out of state and too busy to care about her.
3 moms found this helpful
L.M. answers from New York on May 18, 2012
When my brother was in college he had the Worst. Girlfriend. Ever. Piercings everywhere, goth chick, very very ultra neurotic and anti-social to the extreme. VERY awkward to have at family gatherings!!! Especially at my grandparents country club! LOL! My mom kept making the mistake of bad mouthing her to my brother. Which made them "hate" my mom together. It took another year and a whole bunch of bs, and they broke up. Now fast forward several years, and he is in a serious long term relationship with a professional woman, from a very nice family, who is a great girl, and everyone loves.
Best advice, enforce your rules. Do your best to welcome her and mentor her in a gentle way about her behavior. Treat her well.
2 moms found this helpful
M.P. answers from Minneapolis on May 18, 2012
other than barring her from coming to your home. Nothing really. You can ground, scream, ask, beg. Sounds like he really cares for her. Doesnt sound mutual and shes quite flippant. Be sure he wears condoms, tell him you dont want grand kids this young. Be there to pick up pieces and confirm your the parents. Stress importance of education, and finishing it rather than sex, sex, sex. As long as you continue to show your parental side and not be his best friend (sounds like you are doing everything right so far) maybe he may see it, but at the moment he has tunnel vision. 17 year old males tend to look with one eye only and its not the one in their head. You do have to watch him like a Hawk. Thats being momma.
2 moms found this helpful
A.B. answers from Dallas on May 18, 2012
You can't get rid of her...the more you dislike her, the more appealing she becomes. However, your son is disobeying rules that you set for him in your house, which means HE is equally or more responsible for breaking your rules. Become more strict in your enforcement. Revoke more priviledges for breaking the rules. Oh, and send your son on a long visit to a distant relative this summer or at least take him on an extended vacation. Say nothing of your dislike for this girl and it'll probably fizzle out faster.
1 mom found this helpful
M.T. answers from Nashville on May 18, 2012
Emphasize more to your son what a good type of a woman looks like and let him decide for himself.
1 mom found this helpful
C.C. answers from Houston on May 18, 2012
Where does your husband stand in all this. Well, number 1...it will lead to a pregnancy...so be prepared. I would only allow them in common family rooms...living room...kitchen...den etc. And when you go to bed...she's out. Let him and her know the rules. If they are broken only once...she is not allowed over anymore. If they wanna act like adults.....do it elsewhere. Good luck. Oh yea>>>.no night swimming!!!! You'll be sorry if you don't lay down the law!
1 mom found this helpful
S.S. answers from Dallas on May 18, 2012
I love both Leigh and Kristina's answers. Seeing as how school's out next week, that will give them way too much of an opportunity to be together unless he's made totally unavailable or so available that he doesn't want to be around her. What did her parents say about all this? You just said they lied about things as well, what kinds of things? How long have they been together? Seeing as how they are teens, the relationship might fizzle out anyway because teens are so fickle, LOL. He should really plan on getting a job anyway. I wish I had been made to get a job for the summers, it would be really good for me. And it will sure be good for him. If he can't or won't get a job, and even if he does, set some serious ground rules before school is out of what is expected of him every day. Chores if he's at home, strict curfew (make it early even though it's summer), and consequences for disobeying. If you're worried about him chatting or texting her on the phone all the time, tell him he needs to start paying his own phone bill. Stuff along those lines.
Oh and the final rule should be "if you knock her up, you're out".
A.E. answers from Atlanta on May 19, 2012
I didn't add that his bedroom is downstairs along with the kids game room. He has 4 brothers (blended family) so most of the time we figured that when his g/f was over they were playing video games and the brothers were right there beside them. No. They went into the bedroom. His Dad checked up on them a few times and I saw that she had changed into our son's clothes. The lying was about going to tutoring after school. There was no tutoring but they just wanted to hang out together after school (against school rules unless you have a class to be in) and use me as a taxi service (normally they take the bus). I found out from several teachers that there was no tutoring. This was when we let them see each other and went out of our way for them to see each other. We drove them to meet because neither of them drives yet. Then they still did this sneaking around. He has skipped a ton of classes as well and has suspension because of it. They are both in the wrong. They both lie and sneak around I am not putting it all on her. I just know the both of them together just compounds the problems. The other parents are concerned with all the lies as well.
S.S. answers from Chicago on May 19, 2012
when you figure it out let me know. I am hoping my son gets rid of his girlfriend although we are not holding out much hope. he is 24 now and they have been together since he was 19 sigh.... :(
M.R. answers from Seattle on May 19, 2012
Your son is seriously IN LUST and cannot see past his you-know-what.
Great advice so far about the cost of real life
I would make him find FT work ASAP. He has 48 hours to get a real job. Or he's on his own. You're not paying for his mistakes.
As a parent I would never tell my child whom to date, rather would continue to educate them about what a healthy relationship looks like. They will make mistakes for sure, but hopefully ones they can recover from. And you can applaud them for realizing the errors of their ways when the time is right.
Breaking up is not a simple, black and white process Mom. It can take awhile too. So tell him you understand how difficult it is to see the whole picture and respond appropriately. You're counting on him to choose wisely, with his head and not with his dick.
J.M. answers from Philadelphia on May 21, 2012
my parentsd banned M. from hanging out with my ex- yea I began lying and seeing him and stayed with him from 14-26
He's almost an adult. Don't drive him away and don't try and force deicsions on him instead make goals of things he needs to do and pay for and encourage him to grow and stop worring about this girl aside from talking to him about protection and std;s and pregnancy