May 21, 2012,
A.E. asks from Woodstock, GA on May 18, 2012
How Do I Get Rid of My Teen Son's Girlfriend from Hell?
At first she seemed nice enough. We had her over to our house. We set rules, but they were not obeyed. Both her and our son would be found in his bedroom which they were told was not allowed. She wored his boxer shorts to go swimming in our pool. She went to his bedroom with her swimsuit on then came out wearing his clothes. She had her own clothes and we have plenty of bath rooms she could change in! They are both 17 years old. She has also lied so many times I've lost track, yet he doesn't see it. She swears and thinks nothing of it. She does nothing to try to impress us and is just horrible to be around. We told him our feelings, we said he needs to stop seeing her. He's grounded off the computer from chatting with her (she texts on her phone 24/7). They still see eachother at school. He came home with the words "I Love You" written on his hand today, and a necklace she gave him also. We have told her parents the situations and how we don't want them seeing eachother any longer. They have lied about many things together as well. This has made a huge strain on our family. What can we do to get rid of her for good? I feel he's going to just keep sneaking around to see her or chat with her somehow. I am stressed feeling I have to watch him like a hawk all the time. Summer vacation starts next week. Thanks.
D.. answers from Charlotte on May 18, 2012
Added: Not sure how you actually are able to answer your own question (a So What Happened is normal practice), but in regards to skipping school:
A couple of moms here have said that the way to deal with that is to go to school with your kid. Walk him from class to class. As soon as school is over, walk him to the tutor, then pick him up and take him home. He should be absolutely humiliated that you are doing this. Of course, if you work outside the home, you can't spend the days at school. But it has put the "kabosh" on the other kids skipping. If the girl's mother is a SAHM, she should do the same.
After school, whichever parent is there, let them see each other and sit down together and do their homework and study. In the kitchen or dining room. Treat her like she is part of your family without being mean, but expecting her to go by your rules. Tell them that they are not allowed in the bedroom - only in the gameroom. Tell the brothers not to "disappear". Tell both your son and his gf that if they don't follow the rules in your home, you will drive her home and she can't come over for 3 days. Tell them both that they are an example in your house to the other kids and they need to remember that as older teens, they set the bar. And you are not interested in being a grandmother this early, and you are sure that her mother is not interested in being a grandmother this early either.
Your son sounds like he is not interested in college. Time to get him interested in a career. Tell him that if he is going to end up getting married, he will have to be able to provide for them. Tell him that they cannot live with you. Go show him apartments, let him look at a lease agreement, ask the apartment manager to run the numbers. Take him to look at cars and look at THOSE numbers. Take him to an insurance agency and let him look at the cost of THAT. Take him all over town to put out applications for a job. He should see what the salary is. Then plug the numbers into a calculator so he can see what FICA and taxes will take and what he will end up with. Deduct apartment, car and insurance from THAT. Unless he is an absolute dummy, he will "get" it.
You should be demanding that he get a job this summer. Spend every single minute driving him everywhere to put in applications. Make him think like an adult if he wants to "play" adult with this girlfriend.
And be nice to her parents. They are evidently struggling too, and Lord knows what they think of YOUR son, by the way. If that mother were here on MP, I can only imagine the stuff she would say about the boy and about you trashing her daughter.
Well, your son is just as complicit in the behaviors as she is. Why are you giving your son a break here? This really shouldn't be about her. This should be about HIM. HE is the one you can't trust. And he is the one who is flaunting your rules.
You have to learn, Mama, that trying to say no to their relationship makes it forbidden fruit. Unlike the girls' mom, you can't go to the doctor and get depo-provera shots. You can't proactively prevent pregnancy. But you can actually push these two into having sex if you do this "watch him like a hawk" thing.
Re-think your strategy. Instead of thinking about how you can get rid of her, think about how you can get your son to start respecting the rules of your home in regards to his guests. Instead of this being about HER, it should be about ANY girl he brings over.
I told my son that bedrooms were off limits. They can be in the living room by themselves - we will go upstairs and give them privacy. He was told that if we let his girlfriend go in his bedroom, then we'd have to allow it with his younger brother (who actually isn't dating yet anyway). And we stuck to that. I also told my son that he needed to understand that her mother needed to respect him, and that meant behaving appropriately in word and deed when over at her house. Interestingly enough, the girlfriend's mom allowed them in her bedroom (with the door open). When he brought that up, I reminded him that I couldn't concern myself with her rules - I knew that the rules I had set forth in my house were what we needed.
I also talked a lot about personal responsibility in terms of pregnancy and STD's. AND the fact that child support goes on and on and on, and I wouldn't pay it for him.
I let him know that I trusted his judgment. He never gave me cause to not trust it.
You obviously don't trust your son. But I think that you are basing this mistrust on HER instead of him.
It might help you to treat her as if she were your daughter instead of a guest. You should have clear rules. "Susie, this bathroom is the one I want you to use. Please wear your bathing suit in the pool instead of regular clothes." And stop worrying about her wearing his clothes. She enjoys it because it makes her feel good. If you can get her out of his bathroom and bedroom and have her wear a bathing suit in the pool, two out of three "ain't bad". Sometimes you have to pick your battles.
Tell her what you want help with in the kitchen. Tell your SON to help you in the kitchen. Have them both clean the dishes when dinner is done.
However, you should TRY to make it comfortable in your house for them, a place without all this family strain so that they will want to stay. It's better than them going out somewhere else (sneaking around, as you put it.)
Look, he is 17. You are acting like he is 15 or younger, not wanting him to talk to her. Kids today text and talk to each other all day long. (Yeah, I've said to my husband, "What on EARTH do they find to text about!" And then he reminded me of when he and I used to talk on the phone and fall asleep talking to each other, neither of us wanting to be the one who hung up first!)
I hope you can see the truth of the matter that the more you push against her, the more you will make your son want to be with her. When he turns 18, he can do what he wants - you may find that all of a sudden he turns up married to her and living with her folks. And then you will have a daughter-in-law, and bad relations from the start that will take years, or maybe forever, to fix.
14 moms found this helpful
A.C. answers from Atlanta on May 18, 2012
I met my husband when I was 17. When he went off to college, his parents had my parents over for tea to talk to them about breaking us up. They thought we were too serious too young and shouldn't be tied down in college (they also thought he could do better, although I don't think they said that to my parents, only to him). My parents politely told them that forbidding the relationship would only encourage it, which didn't stop his parents from trying to split us up every chance they got.
Six years later, I married him. Now, I was not a girlfriend from hell. My interests may not have been those that my in-laws would have chosen for their son, but I was always very polite, respectful, and I followed the rules. So did he. You have in your family a young man who is not respectful and not following the rules, so I say banning contact has a success probability of maybe 1%.
Around the same time, my brother had a girlfriend much like your son's - very disrespectful and sneaky. It lasted only a few months out of high school, without any parental intervention.
I agree with the others that your problem is not this girl. It's your son. If you told them she was not allowed in his room, then he is the one allowing her to be in there. You need to deal with him instead of worrying about her. I agree that a birth control chat is the least that is needed here, and I really like Malia's idea of letting your son know what expenses will be involved in living on his own and supporting a child, as well as his income (after taxes). I hope this will work itself out as your son matures. Good luck.
12 moms found this helpful
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M.B. answers from Austin on May 18, 2012
Ok.... here's my solution....
Banning her won't work... he is already showing you he doesn't respect your rules. As others have said, he is thinking only with one part of his anatomy.... the more forbidden she is, the more desirable she becomes.
So...... you need to sit down with him and have a REAL facts of life talk with him. Not about sex... he's heard that many times.
Get real with him.... talk to him about the costs/responsibilities of adulthood... how much money can he make with a basic minimum wage job? How far will that stretch? How would he pay for/support a child?
Show him the costs of apartments... of utilities/car insurance/ EVERY expense you can think of.
Have him actually work with the figures on paper.... monthly costs for apartment, utilities, furniture, groceries, insurance.....
Be sure to point out that if he does father a child, he is responsible for it FOREVER....... and that you won't be paying his bills.
And... above all...... stress the absolute importance of HIM taking responsibility for birth control.... tell him that the pill fails much more than people realize, because some of them are so low-dose that if you deviate by very much time-wise, they don't work.
12 moms found this helpful
T.F. answers from Dallas on May 18, 2012
When you forbid him to see her and vice versa, you just created their motive to prove you wrong. Rebellion will now be in effect for both teens.
She is now forbidden which means she is 10x plus more desirable to him.
I hope you have some sort of communication with you son that is not all one sided to your benefit. He needs to know you listen to him, you care for him, and you are watching out for him while he makes his own choices.
Teens with bf and gf have a mindset and if patents don't show them any respect for the feelings they have for each other then the parents just doom themselves.
So you hate her, her parents probably don't like him ( your son) either because his parents ( you) insinuate that their daughter is trash.
You need some open communication without judgements and just listen. If you don't... You will be driving them together out of spite.
9 moms found this helpful
D.B. answers from Dallas on May 18, 2012
I agree with Dawn. This shouldn't be about blaming the girlfriend. This should be about holding your son accountable for breaking your rules. He's choosing to date her, he's choosing to lie and not follow your house rules. You're missing the forest for the trees. Broaden your perspective and focus on how you want him to behave in any relationship, not just this one specifically.
Teach him to have high standards, and expect the same from girlfriends. Teach him to truly value women by treating them respectfully, and to encourage girlfriends to respect themselves. Teach him to make good choices regardless of what others pressure him to do. Teach him accountability by enforcing consequences when he breaks the rules, instead of blaming his girlfriend (like remove the door from his bedroom if they continue to break that rule).
And sit down with the girlfriend and have a heart to heart. Try to get to know her better (beyond the abrasive surface presentation - I have a feeling it's covering vulnerability and insecurity) and see the good that your son sees in her. And instead of listing the rules and then harping on her (and your son) for breaking the rules, explain why you have the rules you do. Tell her she's much too lovely and intelligent to use vulgar, offensive language. It's not "adult" language, it's crude and inappropriate, and you want your home to be a place where words are used to uplift, encourage, express love, and create a positive environment. Directly address each problem behavior, and what you expect to see instead. Tell them they are going to be adults soon, and with adult privileges come adult responsibilities. Sneaking around, disrespecting rules, and lying are not very mature.
9 moms found this helpful
C.W. answers from Lynchburg on May 19, 2012
I feel your pain!
You have gotten some excellent advice from the mom's here. You do not mention...but IF you have other kiddos...the manner in which you handle this can make 'future' dating experiences clearer when your youngers get older.
My story (and I am sticking to it) is my eldest son got his first GF around this age. His father and I were going through a divorce...so tensions were high.
This young lady was...well...a real tramp...(is that word even used any more??). I did not of course 'share' this point of view with my son. I DID however 'ramp up' my condom use chats...I was always very cordial to her...I invited her over LOTS because I felt there was at least a bit more supervision in my home while they were there.
My son was planning to go to college about an hour from home. Suddenly, he switched his plans, and decided to go to the college 'she' had selected. I thought I would have a heart attack...lol...But I merely smiled sweetly...(well, maybe not so sweetly...)
They broke up during his freshman year. She became preggers shortly thereafter...dropped out of school...and now is raising 2 kiddos on her own.
My eldest is now 23...an officer in the military in Ft Riley KS.
We had a conversation about this GF a while ago...and he asked..."Why didn't you say anything about her mom? Surely you knew..."
I replied that IF I had said something about 'her'...rather than how a condom could perhaps 'protect' 'them' (in more ways than one) that 'I' would have been a granny his freshman year...and him a daddy!
I had this conversation with eldest in front of the youngers...some learning must have taken place...
I am still not a granny! lol
readily available for practice
8 moms found this helpful
M.F. answers from Portland on May 18, 2012
Hate to break it to you, but the more you try and pull them apart, the more they are going to cling to one another...
All teenagers do this, you don't like their friend, that friend becomes their best friend.
You don't like the girl they dated a couple of times, that girl becomes the "love of their life".
You don't like the clothes they wear, they will wear that and much more extreme ones.
Same for music, food, video games, movies... anything you can think of.
Also, he is 17?
You wont have a say at all in a few more months, and he knows it.
There is nothing you can do.
Either accept it and her and make the best of it, and try and keep your son in your life, or continue to fight her, him and it and watch him disappear when he turns 18.
The best thing a parent can do is (pretend) to LOVE the thing/person their teens do and the teens will not feel the need to rebel by clinging to that person/thing.
If they are going to or have had sex the bedroom is not the only place... cars, under the bleachers, friends houses, the park, her parents house...
I would, instead, focus on making sure he knows to use a condom every time or the next struggle is going to be a grand kid.
8 moms found this helpful
A.S. answers from Atlanta on May 19, 2012
Sorry if I am repeating those that have answered....I am 99% sure my parents were not thrilled with my high school boyfriend, but they never said a word which in my opinion was brilliant. The more parents protest, the more interesting that item/person becomes that they are protesting....and the more secretive they become. There are not many people that end up staying with their HS sweethearts for life, so I would let it run its course. I do agree with the "no opposite sex people in the bedroom" rule. Smother them with love and acceptance but make it clear that rule HAS to be followed for them to be together in your house. Good luck!
7 moms found this helpful