**&

How about you stop leading her on and be honest with her. Next time she calls tell her the truth, that you don't feel like you really have that much in common and truly, you feel that this friendship isn't going anywhere.

I am sorry, but it annoys me that people are so fake, to even tell someone they love them, if you do not mean it. What's the big deal with breaking off a friendship that you are not interested in, before the other person becomes emotionally invested.

She thinks you are close because you have been lying to her.
"Woman up" and move on.
Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful

OR.......... you could take a little time out of your life and be a friend to someone who needs it...........is it really THAT much trouble for you, when it would mean SO much to her?

5 moms found this helpful

Hmmm.
You've kept in touch with an old friend from kindergarten all these years, mostly out of obligation. What obligation?
After all these years, are you surprised that she thinks you are closer than you really are? What you have seen as obligation, she may have seen as you actually caring for her. She doesn't have many, or any friends or much of a life, so you say, she may be thinking she has one true friend.
Perhaps she does feel love for you. Or at least a fondness after all these years of staying in touch. You don't have to feel obligated to say you love her back. You can say "Thank you. That's so nice. Take care!"
If you're not up for a visit, just come out and say so. Don't make excuses. Just tell her you are going through some personal things and a visit is not something you can handle.
That's not a lie, you have come to a point where you put yourself first.
I'm pretty bluntly honest, but I wouldn't want to just come out and say, "Look, we're not as close as you think and I've only communicated out of obligation and I find you negative and I can't bear the thought of being around you for 3 days." It may be the truth, but it would be pretty hurtful.
Whether you meant to or not, you have let her believe you have a friendship.
Just because she doesn't have money doesn't make her a bad person.
If you don't want her there at all, tell her it's not a good time for you.
Or, offer a hotel you know of closeby that she may enjoy staying at with things to do and sites to see and perhaps you can meet up for lunch one day but other than that, you are pretty busy with other things and won't have time. Seeing her or not is your decision. Maybe she wants the personal contact. Maybe she wants to share photos of her grandbaby. Maybe she's just reaching out.

My mom ran into a very good friend of mine from high school that I hadn't seen in many years. Actually, she kind of chased my mom down in a store to ask about me and where I lived. My mom said that she didn't talk to me that often and didn't have my number with her. My mom's reasoning was that my friend looked absolutely horrible. She was a mess. She weighed nothing, skin and bones with needle marks on her arms and hands and my mom assumed she was on drugs. My mom did call me to tell me she was looking for me but she didn't know if contacting her would be such a good idea.
I did contact her and found out that she was dying of cancer. The needle marks were from I.V.'s and her chemo treatments. She was wasting away and wanted my friendship.
I could have said no. I could have said I lived too far away. After all, I was going through a terribly messy divorce. I could have said I didn't have time or I couldn't handle it.
But I didn't.
I reached out to her. In doing so, I found out that so many people had abandoned her as if cancer was contagious. The people that did hang around were basically using her up and saying what she had of this or that is what they wanted after she died. They were picking at her bones even before she was gone.
I took her to get her blood work and chemo treatments. I took her to lunch to get her to eat. I made her laugh. She and her mom took me to play bingo and I wiped her nose and joked about getting some tape to hold her scarf on her bald head. We had fun. She called me her sistah. We held hands and we prayed. We held on to each other for dear life.
She was doing pretty well when I had to go out of town because my own aunt had passed away and I promised to call as soon as I got back. Which I did. Only to find out that she had passed away. I called her before I called my own mom to say I was back. My mom knew, but she also knew I couln't have made it back in time. It haunts me to this day. She was begging for me to be there with her and I wasn't.
My point is, that even after years of not being in touch, my friend touched my life profoundly. And, I did love her. And she knew it.
Maybe your friend is reaching out for you in ways that you don't understand on the surface. My mom is so ashamed of what she assumed about my friend at first glance.
Give your friend a chance or just slowly cut her out of your life all together.
She won't understand why you've kept in touch and all the sudden you don't want to.
She may have more going on in her life than you know and be glad not to have someone in her life who only sees her as an obligation.
I understand you wanting to only focus on yourself, but be aware, that could really leave someone else feeling like a fool for all those years.
But, you come first now in your life so you will have to find a way to make that clear with as little harm done as possible.
Just my opinion.

5 moms found this helpful

Hmm, tricky, because she has reason to think you're more of a friend than you are. If you really can't see your way clear to a visit from her, you can just tell her so. Though she may be feel startled or distressed, the world is not likely to come to an end as long as you're not unkind toward her.

I've found the best way to tell people what I need is to just be honest about it. When we make excuses, that usually leads to future situations in which we have to make excuses again, and that can be understood as not only an emotional unkindness to the other "strung-along" person, but to ourselves as well.

And of course, turning her down after allowing her to believe you love her will never be easy. How would this feel? "Nancy, I hear that you would like to visit. I'm already juggling more social obligations than I'm comfortable with, so I must decline."

4 moms found this helpful

i would say just give her a chance. what is the harm in her visiting? i understand you think that y'all don't have much in common, but if she doesn't have a lot of any friends then let her come and see you. if she is wanting to stay at your house, that is something completely different, and i would just let her know that you would love to see her when she comes to town, but it wouldn't be possible right now for her to stay at your place. i am just baffled as to why you would not want to just sit and chat with her, if you can talk to her on the phone, i don't understand why you wouldn't want to visit with her over dinner or at your house for lunch. to be honest it sounds a bit snobbish on your part.

4 moms found this helpful

Hi P.!
I can understand your dilemma. Here's what I'd do. When she calls and says she wants to visit, I would deliberately "misunderstand" her and say, "Oh, yes, San Francisco is so beautiful this time of year! Just last year, our friends Joe and Susie stayed at the Hyatt on the Embarcadero - walked to Union Square, Fisherman's Wharf. They loved it! Hey, maybe when you're here I can meet you in the City and do the tour of Alcatraz and then have dinner afterward. It would be fun to see you after all these years." And in that way, you are assuming that she is coming to the Bay Area as a tourist, doing her own thing, and that you will drive the hour down to SF to see her, maybe do a little touristy stuff, have a little dinner, and then you go back home and she goes back to her hotel. That way your social obligation is paid, your friend's feelings are spared, everyone is happy.

Now, if she insists upon staying with you, just say, "Oh, I'm afraid we just don't have room here. Plus we're so far north of the airport. But I'm telling you, that Holiday Inn on the wharf is really fantastic, you should check it out online." Or some other such inane thing. Just keep insisting that you couldn't possibly have her stay with you, but that you'd just love, LOVE, to go to Alcatraz or Filoli Gardens or wherever with her. Even when you have nothing in common with someone, it's still fun to go to a tourist attraction with them. And then you have a fun memory together, and either you can build from there, or she will realize she has nothing in common with you, and you go your separate ways.

That's my two cents! Let us know how it goes...

4 moms found this helpful

Just say to her... let me look into some hotels for you to stay at and then she'll probably realize you don't want her to stay with you and that will end it. Or just quit talking to her and taking her phone calls.

3 moms found this helpful

You know if you dont want to keep in touch dont. Thats not a good thing that you drag her along if you dont want to be her friend. Be a grown up. Either stop taking her calls or give her a chance. Why do you assume she wants to stay at your place? Because she has no money? Why is it so much of an efford that if she mentions visiting you cant say you know life has been crazy busy lately but if you are in the area we can definitely do lunch and catch up on old times. If you need some recommendation of which area hotels are best let me know. Doing lunch costs nothing and offering to tell her which areas have the better hotels makes it show you care where she is staying but sets the bounderies that it would not be at your place. I truly believe in Karma. Think how you would like others to treat you and treat them accordingly.

2 moms found this helpful

Say I am very sorry but I am busy lately[if you have been] and I am not fond of visits Im sorry it it has to happen hows that?

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It can become awkward when all you have wanted to do was just to be kind. You'll just need to say that you're busy, or that you have other visitors, or something similar that will approximate the truth. You may have to decide if you want to keep in contact with this gal at all. It may not be fair to her, if you don't really want to be a friend.

2 moms found this helpful

Hello P., It sounds as if you enjoy the victims role or the myarters role a bit. You can do what most people do and just explaine that you would be busy at that time and that you can get back when ever it is good to plan something. If you work then it is easy to say that it would be to hard to fit in, or if you are busy with family and that is something no matter how full my life is all stops for a grandchild or childs needs then say family comes first and not at this time.
If you can't be compassionet enough to talk to a "stranger" which is what you have described her to be then make a list of topics to talk about and keep it handy to run through I mean can't you take a few minuets and talk about wonderful cute grandchildren?. Sounds like this person is lonely and reaching out for a happy memory from the past that she is living in right now. She may really mean it that her love of the friendship is true but if that is uncomfortable to you then there is no law that says that you ahve to repeat a meaningless phrase.
Be careful that others won't see you in the same light as you see this person whe you choose to be to selfish/add drama. It is always good to take care of oneself but not to reach out to others is a negative in itself. I have one lady that has chosen me as a friend. She is a great lady and very kind we even argue about religion and politics but I choose to not have her stay the night at my home that is required for her to come on a regular basis so I limit it to what is easy for me. I have no reason to head in her direction of the state but she has things here she does do. We keep calls to 10-15 minuets only. So stop the drama queen role which is so junior high school and just be honest.

2 moms found this helpful

Is she expecting to visit you for a few days and stay in your house? I would come up with an excuse, maybe "now isn't a good time, we're doing some remodeling" or "we have a very busy summer planned", or something more permanent "like we don't have any room in our house for visitors" or "my husband is very private and doesn't like anyone other than family staying with us".

When she says "I love you", there's absolutely no reason for you to say it back. You could simply ignore it, and say something like "Take care". Or you can say "Thank you, I'll talk to you soon".

2 moms found this helpful

If you don't feel like saying "I love you" you can just say "Thank you." Be clear with her about what works for you and what doesn't. (You can still be kind, but it's important to be clear.) There is no reason to make what she wants more important than what you want. State clearly what you want, listen clearly to what she wants, and see what the two of you can create that is good for both of you.

2 moms found this helpful

Well, maybe if you don't call her or avoid her calls, she will get the hint. Or, you could actually come out and tell her that you are too busy for her to visit or you feel there is nothing in common with her anymore and it would be best if she didn't come. Is honesty the best policy?

Or she could come for 3 days and you could have an open mind and enjoy the time together... maybe bridging the gap that is there from so many years ago.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi P.,

Your childhood friend seems kind of desperate. I don't like being around negative people either. In fact I ended a long term friendship last year because I just decided I could no longer endure the constant negative attitude and the ME ME ME syndrome.

In my friend's case, she was beautiful, smart, good job, but she felt people were against her because of race. People were not against her because of race, they were put off because she would monopolize every conversation and it was hard to get a word in edgewise. If one did get a chance to speak, she would ALWAYS interrupt by saying “real quick let me jump in here”.

If I introduced her to new friends, she would do the same. People around us would actually be rolling their eyes at me as if to say, “What is with her”? If we were out some place she would introduce herself to perfect strangers and then introduce ME (which I did not appreciate)! She would then proceed to tell her life’s story and her many achievements.

I just stopped taking her calls and they finally tapered off and stopped. I didn’t really want a show down, I have a feeling she knows why people stop seeing her (I wasn’t the first)…She would say about past friendships…”I had to drop her”! So I suspect that might be what she says about me and that’s OK.

I felt a little bad at first, but truthfully, I don’t miss her at all...it was a chore spending time with her. In your case, you may have to send a letter and say you are just not prepared for company and will have to reschedule. If you have caller I.D., I would stop taking the calls and not return any messages.

Blessings….

1 mom found this helpful

I would start by stop calling her to be nice. Just tell her you guys seem to be growing in two different directions. She is to negative and you just are bothered by it. Tell her the truth. You can let her go she will be alright. I let people go that I do not want in my life especially if they are negative. Money or not. You owe it to yourself to be around the people you choose to be arround. That is not selfish at all.

Have a great day.

N. Marie

1 mom found this helpful

I have a "friend" whom I've know since kindergarten also. I moved away from her when I was 9 and it's really a miracle that we have kept in touch. Well, she's on MY xmas card list and I get a return card from her every few years. Our only contact is thru FB and really she sends me a message maybe once a year. I guess I'm lucky. That being said, I did meet her for the first time since I left when both of us were about mid 20's (I'm 43 now). We only visited for a couple hours and that was tough to get thru! So I understand. I think you should just be honest and tell her you don't mind being in touch "occasionally", but you don't really feel that you have much in common and with money being tight for everyone, a visit may not be the best idea. And then sort of wean her off you. I had a wake up at age 39 and decided to only do what makes me happy, remove all negative people and things from my life, and I have successfully been able to do that. Not sure if this helps or not. Just wanted to let you know I understand and hope it works out for you. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi P.,

I think it is unlikely that she'll actually come so I say cross that bridge when you come to it. If she is trying to make plans in earnest, well, I understand all your feelings and I appreciate wanting to have your needs come first, but you have kept in touch since KG and it would be shocking to her to find out that you dont really like her after keeping u p the charade for this long. If I were you, I'd chalk it up to charity and just spend three days of your life hanging out with her. Don't make a fuss over it, don't do a lot of cooking, just three short days and it might mean the world to her.

If you truly don't want to, don't lie to her and don't make excuses. That's mean, belittling, and disrespectful. She'll notice and she'll wonder what she's done and that will lead to more talking,etc. Just tell her that you don't think you have much in common any more (KG was a long time ago!) and while you have appreciated her friendship you are more focused on spending time alone or whatever.

1 mom found this helpful

If she truly does make the trip, I think you should just welcome her even though at this point you think you don't feel like doing that. Not having actually seen her over these years, I don't think you can really know if you might have more in common than you think. If you don't, then you've spent a few days making someone happy. But if you do, you may find that you are more blessed by her visit than she is.

1 mom found this helpful

Do you think your friend is at least mildly in depression? Having no friends can be depressing! If so, what can you do to help, and not do anything that maybe hurtful and you might regret...? I imagine...

-you can at least talk about her grandchild which has lifted her spirit;
-whenever she is negative, tell her so, maybe hearing your opinion may deter her from coming; don't let her negativeness gets you;
-you have been charitable on giving her your time, but you can't afford giving her more- just make excuses or tell her simply that you are not up for any visitors...
- it's like you have been misleading her and playing with her feelings, now you have to let her down gently... like a boy and girl story... what can you do?

1 mom found this helpful

I'd be super subtle at first. Maybe she'll catch on. I wanted to see my sister in another state after she had her baby. I have a 2 year old and I was mentioning that he'd fly for free before his b-day. She said something like, "it's so much better to have visitors in the summer because there's so much more to do, I think this is the last year we're going to have our boat..." Now, I don't know, but this totally sounded to me like, "it's a really bad time." That's enough for me to wait until she brings it up again. She has a big family and I love them dearly. I really want to see them and we're pretty close (we talk on the phone often) but I'd hate to put them out. I was half way thinking of getting a hotel anyway. Now, I'm going to wait until I can pay for a couple plane tickets, hotel, car rental, etc. So it might take a little (or a lot) longer. My son turns 2 next week. I brought it up several months ago. I'm not hurt and she's having another sister and my dad up there this summer. I definitely know how hard house guests can be!!!!! I've had the worst of them.
So, it she's not clueless she'll get the hint at a slight excuse for not having her. If she keeps brings it up, you'll have to be more direct - obviously. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I hear you!!! And you are not a bad person (ok, if you are then you are not alone as I am right there with you :)

I had a friend like that. The difference being, we only live 2 cities apart (still). In kindergarten we were friends and then my family moved a few years later. She thought we were best of friends. She would call and talk to my roommates, and eventually my husband, like they had been friends forever and were super close. They all thought it was weird.

I felt like the relationship was toxic. She has a ton of health problems, got married for all the wrong reasons, etc etc etc. My life was always so wonderful to her and hers was horrible. You get the picture. I had limited contact with her and even told her I felt we had nothing in common. I tried to end the friendship but she wouldnt take it.

I eventually did something so immature. I was out with my sister in law and our new babies. This friend was walking toward us and my sister in law said, "Oh God, there is so and so." True confession here, I turned my head away from her and we walked away from her. (this was only 7 years ago and kinder was 37 years ago. i tolerated it for a long time).

I am not proud of this. It was the only thing that worked tho. I know her life is hard but we all have our issues.
Put yourself first. Limit and then eventually stop the phone calls. If you want, explain it to her. She may not hear you. But you might feel better. Take care of you. Think of what you are teaching your kids by staying in a friendship that isnt true to you or good for you. It's ok to be selfish! Good luck!!!!
sorry for the novel...

1 mom found this helpful

Man, I could have written this post! Except my friend was the daughter of my mother's best friend in high school. Over the years, the mother and daughter would visit from out of state (her grandmother lived in my state) and I'd have to spend time with her. She was very sweet as a girl, but as she got older, she began to take on some of her stepfather's very bigoted views. When I took her to a dance at my predominantly Latino all-girls high school and she spent the entire night (loudly) criticizing the "unsavory crowd," I knew we had grown too far apart to make a real friendship work. However, her mother loved the idea of her and her best friend's daughter being best friends, and used to talk all the time about the "second generation of best friends" to her, and she soaked up every word. So, like your situation, she thought we were much better friends than I did. She'd write, and I'd compose short notes back. She'd call, and I'd try desperately to make conversation. I can't flat-out cut her out of my life, however, because our mothers are still friends. We are in our 30s now, and this woman and I still keep in touch. About 10 years ago, she came to visit me. It was excruciating, but I lived. Over the years, however, I have communicated a little less. I took a little longer to answer letters or phone calls, and I apologized and cited my busy schedule. After a while, she eased up. We still communicate (we are Facebook friends), but she no longer calls me her best friend and the sister she never had. It made me feel guilty, but leading her on made me feel guilty, too. You can do one of two things: you can start weaning her off you slowly by being gradually less available, but that opens the door to her questioning you about it. That will lead to a direct confrontation, and, I'm sorry, there is no polite way to say, "Gosh, I'm only nice to you out of obligation, so I really don't want to see you, ever." Or, you could just suck it up, do one last act of charity, and tell her, if she ever does plan a trip, that she is welcome. Then, you plan a lot of activities that require little direct conversation, such as movie marathons (double-feature at an old movie house, maybe), local theater productions, or museum or art gallery tours. Then, you can talk about the movie, or the play, or what you saw at the museum. Also, plan a lunch or dinner with some of your close friends, the ones you can tell about the situation and who will forgive you if your friend is terribly negative at the gathering, and it won't be so hard making conversation. Best case scenario, your friends and this woman will spend the whole time asking and answering small-talk-get-to-know-each-other questions, and the time will fly by.
There is a third option: if you really don't care about the pendulum swinging too far in the selfish direction, than why care if you are polite? Tell her to get lost, stop returning her phone calls, and call it done. Then you really won't have to worry about her wanting to visit.

1 mom found this helpful

Obviously it is up to you what you do, and it seems as if you have your mind made up but I don't see why a visit from her would hurt. Maybe she doesn't have any friends and tries to make you seem like her best friend because she could feel good about maybe having one friend (even though we now know it is just in thought) maybe somehow you will get a blessing out of it too. Maybe you could be up front and tell her about the negativity or get her a book on Positive thinking and help her change her thoughts to help her life too. Who knows, maybe that one thing is holding her back from gaining other relationships. Sometimes a little sacrafice for the good of another's well being is a good thing. By all means don't do it though if you feel that strongly against it.

1 mom found this helpful

What you just described is a classic situation described in the book "The Female Brain" I have read earlier. Everyone will become more self-centric starting late 40/50s with hormones change happened inside your body.

http://www.amazon.com/Female-Brain-Louann-Brizendine-M-D/...

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You're a generous person with a kind heart. "Suck-it-up, cupcake" and spend the three days with her. You've gone this far, and God Luv ya for it.

1 mom found this helpful

I think your edit of your post says it all. Don't worry about being selfish. It sounds like you need to be. It's time. Take time for yourself. I don't think you're being mean if you no longer have things in common to talk about with this friend from the past . Life's too short to continue doing things you don't want to do. Just tell her nicely that it's not going to work and keep doing that every time she calls even if it feels like you're blowing her off. You obviously don't really want to spend time with her and like I said: life is too short to be doing things for other people all the time that you no longer feel are a positive influence in your life. It's okay. Give yourself a break.

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