How Do I Get My Family to the Dinner Table When Dinner Is Ready??

Dear Pamela,
I hope you're happy with all the supportive responses you've gotten. And kudos for trying so hard to get your family sit-down meals. I agree with all the advice given, especially the warning signals, having the rest of them help by setting the table, etc, and I'll add one that worked with my three kids once upon a time--if you're late you have to sit and watch everyone else eat, with your dinner in front of you, for as much time as you were late.

best,
L.

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Give a five minute warning to everyone ahead of time,and/or have everyone help with last finishing touches,set the table etc.Then evryone is already with you when dinner is ready.
P

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My solution is harsh, so do it only once. Throw their dinner away in the bin if they are not there on time. Warn them the night before. It only takes one time, and they will know you are serious.

Otherwise what I do is make sure my three kids come into the kitchen beforehand and set the table, get out cutlery, get the milk, get the cups out. Then I dish out dinner and give the plates to the kids to set on the table. That way we are all together at the start of dinner.

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Dear Pamela,
Please don't take this the wrong way, but your family is ummm, spoiled. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but they are being pretty cavalier about the dinner thing which isn't very respectful to you.
When you know dinner has about 15 minutes left to go, give a 10 minute warning. Let them know that 10 minutes is for minimizing whatever is on the computer, placing a bookmark in their book, going to the bathroom and washing their hands. Then, let them help you set the table while you get dinner out of the oven, etc. I wouldn't so much as put a fork on the table until they've all gathered to help and sit down with you. If that doesn't work, then just don't cook dinner for a night. Make yourself a sandwich or something, draw a nice bath and tell them they are on their own until they can be at the table and make it worth your while to even cook. Hopefully, they will get the point.

I have a good friend who used to own a restaurant and is a marvelous cook. She cooks all week and then she makes a fabulous full on "family" breakfast every Saturday and Sunday. It was upsetting her that she couldn't get anyone to the table for any of it. What really got her though was one weekend after she had seriously sprained her ankle and had a hard time getting down the stairs, she smelled food cooking and thought, "How sweet. My husband and kids are cooking breakfast for a change." They did. But they only made enough for themselves and didn't even offer her any. When she got downstairs, all that was left was the mess they made. She went on strike after that. She said, "apparently cooking is one of those things we can be selfish about in this house and from now on I choose to be selfish too."
Her husband said, "Now, Hon...we thought we were doing you a favor by letting you rest."
She said, "I do need to rest, but I also need to eat. How many times have I brought you all food or tea when you were sick or hurt? All I got this morning was a trashed kitchen."
She didn't cook for days. Or clean the kitchen. They got the point.
Your family may not realize the extent to which you are feeling taken for granted. You just need to let them know. You cook for them out of love and the least they can do is be at the table to enjoy it out of love. Get them involved in preparing and by no means let them scatter when dinner is done. You've got a husband and 5 kids, night time kitchen clean up should take no time at all. I told my kids, "The sooner we get this cleaned up, the sooner we can bake some cookies." We had a treat every night even if it was yogurt sprinkled with brown sugar and a little whipped cream. But, they had to help.
You just need to get everyone into the dinner routine as a family because that's why the family dinner is so important to you. They will look back one day and appreciate it.

Best wishes!

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I give a 15, 10, and 5 min warning about dinner being ready, and when it is ready, if everyone is not at the table, I walk ober and turn off the TV, take the book, whaterver the kid is doing and tell them dinner is done.

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I don't know if anyone suggested this, but if it takes everyone 10 minutes to get to the table, announce dinner is ready 10 minutes before it really is.
If that doesn't work, sit down and talk to your husband and tell him you need his support on this and that it is HIS job to get everyone to the table on time. Good luck!

Print a copy of this request and post it on the fridge. When there is no dinner and people have to come find something to eat they can read it and realize the affect they are having on you. Just a thought.

Give the kids a small snack when they get home from school, either fruit or vegetable, but no carbs or proteins. Then, shut the kitchen down for all snacking!!! A small fruit or vegetable snack won't hold their hunger for long, and if you are consistent about no snacking after the one, obligatory "just home from school" snack, they'll be so hungry that they will come running when dinner is called!!! For hubby... I can't think of anything because I don't know what time he gets home from work in relation to what time dinner goes on the table, and what he does in the "in-between" time he has at home. Why not try to initiate a pattern where he comes in and sits at the table when he gets home from work and talks to you - tells you about his day, etc., while you finish up preparing dinner... this way he's already in the room when the food is done? Good luck!

You've got great advice so far and I don't have too much new too add except that I think many moms have gone through this, probably forever - so no, you do not need therapy! I read your post and thought of my mom and how mad she'd get when we wouldn't come to the table when she called (my dad was the worst). So now if I'm having dinner with my parents and my dad doesn't come to the table when mom calls, I find myself just as annoyed with dad as my mom is - LOL.

I generally give the 5 minute warning. I also will walk into wherever everyone is and say something like, "wow, I don't see anyone moving to the table yet and I've been in the kitchen moving for an hour." I also have my daughter help with the table and I'll send my 6 year old son to get my husband and the boy will not leave until my husband gets up - it's actually kind of funny to hear him say, "daddy, but mommy said it's ready now." And he'll stand there and stand there. It must be even worse with 5 so I do think you probably need to set some ground rules. You are not their chef - they should respect your time. Good luck!

Pamela -

This is sooo not about you. You took the time to prepare the dinner and your husband and family are taking their sweet time getting to the table. No, you need to talk to your husband and tell him how important it is to you to have everyone sit down together, and he needs to support you. When you are preparing for dinner, I assume you tell everyone - ok, ten minutes till dinner, etc. So, when you call them, they should be prepared. Now, if you have this talk with your husband, and he doesn't improve, you don't change your expectations. Without exception, if you call your family for dinner and they don't come, you need to get up and leave the house. Absolutely you need to make a statement. And, the next time they want you to do something for them, forget it. Let them know how the thing that was important to you was not honored, why should you honor what is important to them. Of course, you will do all of your conversation with love but you set the expectation for them.

Good luck, and do not surrender.

About 10-15 min before dinner is really ready, tell everyone that dinner is ready now and then if they have to go to the bathroom, finish email etc.then they have time and you can finish up dinner and then you can all sit down together. We used to do this for late guests (family)at holidays, we had one relative that was always late by like an hour (if it had been up to me we would have eaten without her) or more and the host insisted on waiting so we started telling her dinner was at 2 when it was really at 4. It worked. If they keep it up then I would eat my dinner and put the rest away and tell them "oh dinner is over, I called you and you chose to do xyz instead, guess you'll have to make yourself a sandwich." Good luck!

this happened to me...i yelled. but that didnt work either. it just brought everyone to the table unhappy. sssooo, i figured out on average how long it takes each person to get ready. then when we are 15 minutes out and i know it takes my daughter that long to get downstairs and get her own dinner drink i send my 3 year old up to tell her dinner is ready. and by chance if someone gets ready fast i have them set the table or put condiments on the table etc.

I don't blame you for being annoyed - my kids are grown and out of the house but this used to happen to us also, but perhaps in smaller doses. You might try telling them 15 minutes or so that dinner will be on the table in 15 minutes and that you'll call them as the food is being put on the table(and that if they want to eat dinner, now is the time to come to the table). Then, I would sit down and eat and if they are still not there when you finish, put it all away and tell them dinner is over. It might be extreme, but they'll get the point after a missed meal or two.

J. F.

:) tomorrow after everyone gets to the table announce it is cook apprication week in your house starting Sunday and the last person to the table every night will need to think of five thing they appricate about dinner
my husband cooks and we tell him every night

Pamela-

This bothers me occasionally too. But honestly, they aren't doing it to disrespect you, but they are thinking of themselves. First, the advice about a 10 minute warning is what I do, then having them all pitch in to help (even our 2 year old twins set spoons on the table)is paramount. You should not be doing it all yourself every day. That is not good for you or them.

The next thing I'd suggest is a book called "The Five Love Languages". I'd guess your love language is Acts of Service, meaning you do things for others to show you love them. Cook dinner, wash clothes, etc. it is a 'DO DO DO' to show your love. I have that same one, so it is more important for my husband to take the kids for a couple of hours, or to go service and wash the truck for me than to bring me flowers or gifts. I hope that makes sense. But it frees me from feeling disrespected when they don't show up right away and marvel at all my hard work. I understand that I do this because I love them, but it may not be their particular language to receive love. One of my daughter's love language is gifts, so if I just pick up a little thing for her (I'm talking dollar-tree sort), just to show I'm thinking of her, she is thrilled.

I hope you can get the book, you may find out a bit about yourself and your family members. But definitely make them all pitch in to help. I do find when I include even the smallest, they are more excited about dinner. (But it takes more time, energy and clean-up)

Take care!
D.

I've had the same experience, and we have only two kids, so it must be much more difficult with five. Although you probably can't change them, try talking with you husband only to clearly explain (again, I imagine) your feelings and recruit him to help you get the kids to the table. If the older kids are setting the table, have them stay in the kitchen/dining room once they've set the table - with a book or something - and they'll put pressure on the others to come. If nothing works, try reading "Loving what is" by Byron Katie. she's not a trained therapist, but as learned from difficult life experiences that accepting the realities of her life, without than trying to change them has led to a much happier, healthier and calmer self. Good luck.

A little about me: Child and adolescent psychiatrist practicing 18 years. married 21 years to a supportive husband. Two kids, 19 yo boy and 12 yo girl.

I understand what you are going thru. My family does the same thing. It's frustrating when you take the time to plan the meal, buy the groceries, cook the food and when it's ready, your family doesn't have the decency to be on time for dinner. They don't understand that a lot of preparation has gone into the meal. I used to get so worked up about it, but now I just tell them dinner is ready about 5-10 minutes (or 20 minutes if that's how long it takes your family) before dinner is actually done. This usually works. If they show up with a couple of minutes to spare, oh well, they just have to wait on you. If they show up later, than I start without them. (This is rare, but I can't win them all)

Have you told them how you feel when they are being incosiderate and arriving late? I would start with that and the 10 minute warning. If things don't improve it may be time for others to start fixing dinner (the late ones). If they are in the kitchen making dinner, they can't be late, can they?
Or sit down and eat dinner by yourself and when you are done, kitchen is closed and nothing may be eaten until breakfast. If you do the kitchen is closed idea, you need to get your husband to help back you as well. If he is part of the offending party, he may not go for that idea and could sneak food without as much repercussions as the kids.

Maybe it's time for a family meeting... maybe you need to set the rules about meal time. Another alternative is make them help you with dinner and then they will be right there when dinner is ready.

How about a different approach? From now on you will make dinner X number of days a week and someone else gets to cook the other days. The rule is though no ordering out every time someone else is supposed to cook! Maybe make Friday night take-out night so everyone gets a break. Hopefully they will see A. how hard it is to cook every day B. how rude the other family members can be.
It doesn't have to be permanent but it will be a good lesson. Besides, if you have older kids it is a good time for them to start learning to cook. =) When they realize how hard it is to get a decent meal on the table it will make them a lot more appreciative.
And I am right there with you. I make dinner and we sit down to the table every night. It can be pretty trying sometimes. =) I have taken to yelling "come and get it or I will throw it out!"...that usually gets a speedy response. :P

Along with calling people down early, do make sure you sit down with your family and explain that the behavior is dishonoring to you. Ask how they would feel if they did something special for someone, and the person didn't aknowledge it. Or if they excitedly gave someone a very special present, and that person opened it, didnt say thank you and threw it in the corner. Crushing.

Your time, love and attention (and hard work) for them is a very special gift. Not many moms go to that length anymore. They are very lucky. make them aware. Make them aware you are hurt by their lack of care for your feelings.

Start bringing others into the kitchen to cook and clean with you.

Didn't read all the postings, but I'll tell you what I do. BTW I only have one child and I don't manage to get dinner on the table at the same time every night, but when it's ready and as I'm getting it on the table I say, "dinner's ready, it's time to wash hands. I want to eat my dinner hot, so when it's on the table it's time to eat." I serve it up, put plates on the table, and by then my husband and son are usually done hand washing. We start eating. In the event they aren't at the table, I start eating. I get my dinner hot. When I'm finished, I start my son's bath and set the timer for him. If he's not done eating, I pick up the plate, say it's time for bath. And it's over. I think you mentioned above natural consequences. In reality, I've only picked up a plate with food a few times. Most times as soon as that timer gets set, my son starts eating.

You do not need therapy! I don't even make nice dinner's for my family and I get mad when they don't come to the table. I make everyone sit down at the table 15 minutes before I am done. But reading your post made me think if they are involved and in the kitchen already it would be better for everyone. Why should we play the role of chef, waitress, busboy, and dishwasher? I am going to start having my family set the table and get things ready to eat. If you have the time to make a nice dinner and you have all that extra help I think they should each take a night pick their menu and help you make dinner. They would appreciate your effort and would be proud of what they created and it would be a great bonding time for you and each of your children. In addition there is math to be learned while cooking, and they will learn to love (or at least be able to make dinner) cooking. My kids are little but I have just convinced myself to do this too! Have fun and use all those extra people to ease your load.

Have you tried calmly explaining to them how you feel when they are late for dinner? One night after they all make it to the table, let them know how much work goes into a nice meal and how unappreciated you feel when they are late to the table. If they continue to be late, I would serve yourself and begin eating without them. We have the same problem and that's what I do. The kids will come in and say, "Is that plate for me?" I tell them, "No, that is my plate...I would have been happy to serve you if you had come in when I called you." Good luck! Hope that knowing you are not alone helps!

After your first dinner call, when they don't come, don't say anything more, just grab the book out of their hand, turn off the tv or computer or whatever, and stand there until they go to the dinner table. If you do this three days in a row I highly doubt they will keep ignoring you.

Hi Pamela,
You could try therapy-- if you have health insurance, it will have some sort of mental health coverage included. But, if you're happy most of the time except when your family is late to dinner, let me ask you-- how many 'dinner's almost ready' warnings do you give? You might try a succession like, 'I'm draining the pasta-- 10 minutes till dinner.... I'm putting dishes on the table-- 5 minutes till dinner.... DINNER TIME!' you might also call a family conference and say, 'I have this problem-- can you help me solve it?' write down everyone's ideas, then pick on you think will work, with an agreement to review the success in a week, or whatever.

Hi Pamela: I have 5 children ( one is a foster adopt), and until my husbands recent death we ate together as much as possible.
I learned a great trick from my Aunt, that I lived with as a teen.
She made sure that lets say dinner, was served the same time everyday. So if it was to be 5 pm. Then she made sure to tell everyone including my Uncle. Thenshe did what had to be done. When it was times to serve-- she did anyone that was there. She lost her temper a bit but never at the ones at the table. Then dinner was literally put away. If someone did not make it they got fed at the next meal. No one ever starved , no one forgot more than a few times. Soon everyone was there and on time!!
I hope this works for you. I wish you luck. This is a hard hing when it is not put into practice or is let out from this experiance. Nana G / Glenda

It sounds like you need a break, at least once a week from cooking. Get take out and let everyone eat at their leisure (only once a week). Let the family know how you feel at the dinner table sometime soon. I think your feelings are justified. Maybe even try to call them to the table or to go get ready about 15 minutes before serving. You just need a break once in awhile it sounds like to me. And it is very important to know that you are appreciated. I told my husband and son that I need to be told how great I'm doing and now they do their best to do so.

Hi Pamela,
First off, I honor you for putting so much effort into making wonderful meals for your family. I think honor is the crux of the matter in this situation. You feel dishonored because of all the thought and effort you put into making the amazing meal, and want everyone to come and eat together and have the connectedness of great food and conversation... sharing their lives. The thing is, they are in the middle of something and feel dishonored by you expecting them to drop everything the moment the food is ready.

First you need to have a conversation about honor, them honoring you and you honoring them, after that, you could have a 5 minute warning bell or something that will give them the time needed to finish the email, or hit the bathroom on the way to the dining room. Who does the dishes at your house? Do the kids rotate? The late comers could get dish duty.

Another idea: It would be a great thing to have each of the kids have to plan a meal, do the shopping, prepare the meal and try to get everyone to the table on time. Some of them might not care, but it would be a great experience to have a certain amount of money to spend on the meal and have to see it through from start to finish.

As a final note, you are doing a great job, and when they grow up you want them to remember the wonderful meals around the family table. They will be wanting to do that for their families too. Keep up the good work and let us know what you tried and how it turned out. Blessings!
D.

Hi Pam.

Wow, you've got your hands full. I'm a single mom with one kid, so I don't have the same situation, but I'm also a middle school teacher, so I feel like I can relate.

My suggestion would be to give everybody a job/chore (set the table could be three kids for plates, silverwear, placemats... collect and hang coats... whatever) that they do toward the end of your dinner prep and then sit at the table (maybe have some cut veggies on the table before dinner to keep them there). That way they won't be involved in their email/book/etc. when you're ready to eat.

Hope this helps,
T.

Well I always give a 5-10 min warning. Then as dinner is being put on the table and drinks poured. I say dinner is ready. Our son know this means come to the table. It is an expectation that we have in out house. With that said the warning gives them time to finish and wash hands.

If it continues to be a problem call a family meeting, calmly tell your case, and decide as a family what should happen if some one is late. For us it holds everyone up because we pray before we eat. It could be losing dessert, doing dishes on their own, no tv, loss of activity that held them up, ect. The key is it has to be immediate and constant.

Hi Pamela- Who sets the table, pours drinks & serves the food? If you are finishing up cooking a nice dinner the rest of your family should be preparing to enjoy it. Start 15 min. before you plan on eating and have each family member do something to get ready for the meal. That way if it takes a couple of minutes for them to transition it's OK. Not sure how old your kids are but anyone past about 5 (including your husband) should understand if you call a family meeting (not at dinnertime:) and express how rude it is to let the food you cooked get cold because they are into whatever they're doing. I do know however that when you are "waiting" for people sometimes it seems longer than it is. Everyone deserves a 5 min. heads up to finish what they're doing and get to the table. Good Luck!

Hi Pamela,

I know how you feel about your hard work at trying to prepare great meals going un appreciated. I feel that way sometimes as well.

Fortunately, I don't have the problem of them coming to the table late. But here is what I would suggest. Call them in 10 mins before it's ready, then you will have them all at the table. Set a new rule that once called to the table, they can't leave(for those who think they are wasting precious time waiting those 10 mins) And hey, if they don't come when dinner is served, they don't eat. And not, they don't get to make something on their own either. Just a suggestion, see how it works.

God Bless, and keep on cooking.

You are so not alone. Everyone that comes to my house for dinner knows that when I say dinner time that means it is time to eat. I tell them all in advance. I would give like the 15 minute warning to wrap things up. You should also be having everyone help you by setting the table getting the drinks or whatever help you need if they are old enough. Also tell your husband to set and example and help you and be at the table ready for dinner when it is time. Have you tried just talking to everyone and telling them that when dinner is ready they need to come and eat. Let them all know how much it bothers you. If they don't listen then I would just not cook or just cook for yourself. Let them all figure it out.

Hi,

Just wondering if you have made any changes/progress with all these ideas?

Blessings.......

Dear Pamela,

I'm always curious when I read the messages and then the "a little about me"....not just in your case but in many.

In response to your message:

"married to a wonderful man"

That wonderful man is being rude, disrespectful and ungreatful to you and your 5 children are following suit.

Time for a "All Family" meeting!

With five children (ages unkown), there should be plenty of family participation in meal preparation and clean up. (This could include meal planning, you could all make a suggestion for what will be cooked).

Before a meal is served (put on the table), some of your family should be setting table, making the salad, pouring the milk/drinks, getting dessert ready, etc. Even the smallest child can place a napkin.

Nothing is served until all are at the table. Set a dinner time and serve. Those who do not come to the table, can make themselves a BOLOGNA sandwich, and glass of water, with a multiple vitimin for dessert!....no special treatment for anyone, unless they are gone from the house due to work or a previously planned activity.

Don't get yourself in a tizzy, because you have gone all out and then "allowed", people to disrespect you. Get them to respect and agree first and then continue to prepare nice meals.

Blessings.....

I think the solution is simple. You give everyone a 10 minute warning. Let them know that dinner will be on the table in 10 minutes and that they need to finish up whatever they are doing. If they are really taking a long time to get to the table, I would tell them if they are not at the table when dinner is on the table then they don't get dinner, and they can't eat something after dinner has been served either. I think once they get into the habit, things will start to get better.

Maybe it would help to give a 5 or 10 minute warning, and let everyone know that dinner will be ready in 5 minutes so finish up what you are doing and come to the table! Also letting your family know how you feel and that after putting in a lot of hard work to get dinner on the table, them not coming right away makes you feel unappreciated and that all that hard work was for nothing.....hope everything works out! Good Luck!

Hi Pamela,

I'm with you on this! It feels so disrespectful after all that work and care to prepare a nice family meal and have everyone take their sweet time getting there. Grrrr!

What has helped me, is when I am a guest at someone else's home and I realize how difficult it is to drop everything instantly and be at the table no matter what I'm doing. I try to respect the chef/host but it is sometimes very inconvenient. In these cases, I have wished that I had been given a bit of notice so that I can be polite and be there when the meal is served.

So, to assist my family with this dilemma, I started giving a "7 minute warning" when dinner is nearing completion. That gives everyone 7 minutes to finish whatever they are doing, go to the bathroom, wash their hands, set the table or whatever else needs to be done. Sometimes I give a 7 minute warning before it's time to set the table so there's actually about a 10 minute window before dinner is going to be served. It depends on the complexity/simplicity of the meal and the preparation required. You can decide what time frame works best for you.

I find if the warning is too early, say 15 minutes, it is not taken seriously because they know they still have "awhile" so they don't act. If it's not a long enough time, say 3 minutes, it's not enough time to complete whatever they are doing and defeats the purpose.

When I first started doing this, I would remind them that 3 minutes had passed, or whatever, to keep them on track. Once the 7 minutes is up, everyone had better be at the table ready to eat.

I have prefaced this method by having a nice explanatory talk to everyone to help them understand the importance of showing respect in this way (when I'm not already upset that they have let me down). I also tell them that the food will taste better if they come when the timing is right. It seems to work for us and we have enjoyed our meals so much more since we used this idea.

Good luck. Dinner time should be as stress-free as possible which is always my goal. I hope this works for you or that you find another idea that works for your family. Bon Apetit!

you dont need therapy -- you need some help!! definitely give them a time warning, but your kids should be helping to set the table, clear up any messes in the way, getting water, putting away the food you cut up, you know what i mean. then they are in the kitchen when it is ready. you have every right to feel underappreciated if they are not there to sit down with you.

We're only a family of three, but a family of three lolly-gaggers so I've learned to give fair warning. About 10 minutes before dinner is ready to be on the table, I tell my son to go wash his hands for dinner and my husband that dinner is ready. By the time dinner is actually on the table, they're ready or at least on their way to the table.

It does boil down to a lack of appreciation -- not necessarily for you or the dinner you so lovingly prepared, but for having to stop what they're doing for something else although you'd think they'd be prepared for it by now...it does happen every night! I've found though that my husband and son (and sometimes me) would be just as happy slapping a sandwich together and eating it on the run. Sigh.

I don't even have half the kids you do, and I feel your pain. It's hard enough to time the food to have it all ready at the same time, and you feel disrespected when they don't hurry to the table to appreciate it. I do think you do yourself a disservice by not giving them a chance to have to cook and see what it's like, so I totally agree with your idea of having that be a consequence. BUT I also agree with the negative slant of it, so perhaps a rotating night when a team of kids cooks would be good to start now. You can supervise their menu plan and execution, table setting and rousing the troops. As for the daily routine, I don't know if you've talked to them when not annoyed, or if you signal them sooner than "dinner's ready!" It is hard to drop everything in an instant, but if you gave more warning they may be able to respond better. Just like getting a toddler to leave the park, give warnings. 10 minutes to Dinner! Wash up now, 5 minutes to dinner! You are more likely to have people getting prepared to sit down with some notice.
Get some of those kids helping you! Good luck ;)

Tell them dinner is going to be at 6:00 everyone needs to be at the table. If they are not there start eating without them.

Hi Pamela,

I don't know is this seems to easy, or a viable solution, or not. But what about, just taking a break from making dinner? It doesn't have to be your responsibility. When people start getting hungry, and poking around for a meal, they will understand that they didn't appreciate the service and maybe a lesson will sink in. Or, letting your family know that while you can be easy going on a lot of things, you get really annoyed when they don't show up to the table and ask them to respect you and get their butts there on time...These seem like really simple solutions..,maybe you have already tried. But hopefully, they will help. Very best,

YOU don't need therapy! You are absolutely entitled to be angry! I suggest that you talk to your husband first, and tell him that whether he thinks it is a big issue or not, this is bothering you, and you feel it disrespects all the work you have done to put a good dinner on the table. Ask him to come to the table when you call, and to take responsibility for getting the kids to the table on time, by explaining to them that you have put a lot of work into making dinner, and you both want everyone to sit down together to a dinner that is still hot.

You might want to point out that in many families, mom brings home a sack of KFC or Jack in the Box and throws it on the table with a bottle of soda, and that's dinner, and if that's what they want to do instead of having a nice home cooked meal, then you will go out and have dinner by yourself, and bring them home a bag of KFC. If they don't respond, then DO IT, and keep doing it until they holler "uncle"!

Announce 5 minutes 'til dinner that dinner is ready...
Anyone who doesn't sit down at dinner time gets no dinner or has to eat it stone cold. Usually this threat works great. Get the hubby on board with family dinner and make sure he backs you up when you ring the dinner bell.
make sure eveyone knows dinner time is a non-negotiable.
last person to the dinner table has to do the dishes. ;)

Call dinner once, sit yourself down and eat, and if "they" aren't there to eat while you are, then clear the food away from the table and clean up. You are an "enabler" and complaining that you are being taken advantage of. One can only be taken advantage of if the person allows it to happen to them. I'm sure that going hungry now and again won't hurt anyone and should teach them some respect for the hand that feeds them. Good luck!

I yell out, "DINNER WILL BE READY IN 10 MINUTES" and it seems to help. Then they know I expect them to finish up what they are doing. If they are not busy I ask them to help and then they are already there. Things like please set the table, get the salt & pepper, get the butter, make sure we have napkins etc... I would also explain at the dinner table that it is disrespectful not to come when called and it hurts your feelings when you have done all the work to prepare a nice meal. Once a week I have fend for yourself night. It seems to help in the appreciation department. Best wishes!