How Do I Get My Daughter to Pick a Friend Who Likes Her?

Full disclosure: I looked over some of your past questions and see a little bit of a trend...your sweet daughter is rather socially and physically awkward. I certainly don't mean that as an insult, just an observation. I see she also has an ADHD diagnosis.

With that in mind, I suspect that she's not super adept at processing body language and needs some help. I would not necessarily direct her to choose someone else, but consider having talks about what certain body language means and let her make her choices based on what she learns to observe. "What do you think it means when a person rolls their eyes when someone else is talking to them?" Or, play the "what does this face mean?" game. And make different emotive faces. Ask her to try it. Use a mirror and make it fun. Practice different tones of voice too. "When someone says something in this tone, it's angry/sarcastic/mean." Finally, talk with her about not being a mindreader or assuming and simply asking, "Do you not want to play with me?" It okay if not everyone is our friend, and frees us up to establish relationships with other people who WANT to be around us.

I went through a lot of this myself, as I had very severe ADHD as a little girl and still have ADD as an adult. It's just something that she has to work through, but with your guidance it can be a bit less awkward.

My kid had this problem too. I finally told her that it was my job as her mother to help her make good choices and decisions. I told her that I did not want her to play with kids who mistreat her or who aren't being nice.
If she wanted to play, I would set up playdates with other kids. If she wanted a playdate with the mean kid, I would just say "No, I didn't want someone who mistreated her".
I think, at least with my kid, there were some self esteem issues which made her tolerate the mistreatment. But, that has also gotten better over time.
She is now 11 and making much better choices for friends. I think I have finally taught her not to be a doormat and to choose to hang out with those that are true friends. Life has been much better and easier without the drama of the mean kids!

Oh Mama, this brought me right back to when my 12 yr old dd was that age. She has some social immaturity issues and had a very hard time reading body language at that age. I can remember one time at a school function, she was falling all over herself to say hi to the queen bee, and just as in your example, the parents had to turn to their daughter and say "Seriously, you can't hear her saying hi to you?". It was very uncomfortable to say the least.

For now, I would tell her that you cannot invite someone over who is not nice and has not treated her well. Ask her to choose somebody else and have them over for a couple of hours-no sleepovers! If it goes well, then encourage that friendship so that your daughter can see what a real friend is.

Hang in there. My dd eventually "got it" and I'm sure yours will too.

Instead of "suggesting" things to her, instead ask her why she wants to be friends with the girl. Ask her what she wants in a friend - what qualities she thinks are important. Is it that the girl is popular? Has a certain toy / item your daughter wants to play with? Is nice to people?

what kind of friends do you and your husband have? Does the girl treat your daughter the way someone in your family treats someone else? She could be modeling that behavior.

Is your daughter in extra curricular activities? Maybe get a friend with whom she has something in common, besides just a classmate.

Maybe your daughter is trying to make her like her. Maybe she is trying to be the best person and develop a friendship with this new girl despite of her bad manners....why dont you ask her why? I heard of kids who were nice to those who were mean, with time those mean kids learnt to also be kind. Why dont you give her a chance and invite the new girl. Have a talk with her while she is in your home, you could get to know her better, and why she is like that, and perhaps she will mend her mean ways, at least with your daughter. OR maybe not, but at least you let your daughter try.

Just don't do it. It might be that she really really doesn't like your daughter and won't say yes anyway but still, I would just say no, that we don't know that family and it's not going to happen.

If you do give in and invite them to a playdate please make it in a neutral spot like a park or playground so they don't have to sit and stare at each other.

Even if this girl wasn't openly being mean, 7 is young for a sleepover. And a policy of going a little slower until you get to know new friends before jumping right to a sleepover is a good idea.

Personally, I wouldn't outright forbid her from trying to get together with this girl. Your DD may be eager to offer up something as fun as a sleepover right away to try to impress or win favor from this girl. I would say. "Julie has never been to our house before, and the two of you haven't yet gotten together outside of school, so if you want to spend some time with her, you'll have to start by inviting her for a playdate at first, until she and her family get to know us a little better. Later, after a number of get-togethers, if you find you're still enjoying your time together, we can talk about a sleepover with Julie"

If you DD is already doing great with sleepovers and its a sleepover she's wanting more than having this particular girl. Suggest that for now, she invite a different friend to sleepover, a friend that is already familiar enough with your family and vice versa.

It's possible once your DD extends an invitation to play at your house, this girl will decline anyway, since it sounds like she's not interested in a friendship. Then I would suggest she invite some others. And its a good starting point for how some of her peers are just classmates, some are just school friends, and some will become closer friends she gets together with outside of school. Not everyone will fit into that closer friends category.

Listen. Ask questions like, "why do you like Julie so much?" "how do you feel when you are with Julie at school? Don't lead, but let her express her feelings. She'll come around on her own conclusion that this girl isn't a good choice for a friend. It may be painful to watch her try so hard and struggle, but I don't think bluntly telling her "you can't play with or be friends with that girl because she is mean" is the best solution. Keep her busy with other activities and with opportunities to play with other friends. It will make it easier to let this girl go if she's busy and happy with other kids.