How Do I Get Along with My Ex's Wife?

You should count yourself as being lucky.

My ex married a woman who is 9 years his junior, which is 5 years my junior. However, my girls would say how she would say that "You girls are lucky, you got your mom's looks" and would say little things like that which made my daughters believe that she was jealous of me and insecure. Insecure for looks, and the fact that I was the first wife and I had the first child.

Because of her insecurities, she treats my daughters horribly. Before they got married, the girls said she was nice and great. Which I was all for... then once she said her vows, her mask came off and she showed her true colors. She is constantly yelling at my daughters when they visit... when they lived with my ex, she once picked up her daughter's (my ex's baby daughter) infant carrier and threw it at the wall where my eldest daughter was standing in a fit of rage.

She wouldn't buy them things that they needed... instead she would say "Ask your mom, she's rich." Which I have no idea why she thought that... I am a single income parent... whereas they are two income household WITH bachelor's although they chose not to use it. It's just that instead of spending money on myself, like she often did, I would spend money on my kids.

When her daughter was born, she bought TWO $300 car seats, one for each car. Also would buy expensive shoes for the baby when she couldn't even walk... yet, my daughters wore worn out shoes from Payless.

Now, thankfully, my daughters are living with me. When they go back to visit, their stepmom is still and always mean to them. Their father won't even stick up for them to his wife.

So you ought to be thankful that your ex's new wife is nice to your child and reminds your ex to be a father.

However, I understand on how you need to look good around your ex and his "wife". And you should put every effort into doing so... go work out or at least take walks with your son at a park... right before their arrival, go "doll" yourself up... put on a fantastic outfit and dab some make-up on... then when they leave, get back to comfortable. :o)

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Being in a situation where I am divorced and my ex-husband is remarried, my advice to you is to try to move on and try to make the most of the relationship with your ex and his new "wife", for your son's (and your sanity!) sake. It sounds like the new "wife" is very nice, and in my opinion, you should feel very grateful that your son has such a person in his life when you are not able to be there for him. My ex and his wife are good people and I'm very blessed that my daughter gets to spend time with a step-mom who truly loves her, and one I don't have to worry about being mean to her or being a bad influence. So many "step-moms and step-dads" are not positive influences on the childrens' lives, so this is a rarity. Try to be grateful for it, instead of jealous.

As for your feelings for your ex, I'm so sorry for you and your broken heart. But, you will heal in time and realize that all things happen for a reason. The priority here is to get along with the ex and his new wife as long as they are not doing anything to potentially harm your child, and to not create problems where, currently, there are none. You're very lucky that she's not "an ugly person with a bad personality" because that's not the kind of person you want your son spending time with. We all want our children surrounded by people who love them, that are honest, kind, and so far, it doesn't sound like she's given you any reasons to think differently of her. Don't fault her for being pretty, nice, and having lots of friends - that's not a bad thing. You have your own beauty and kindness, so use it to your benefit, and to your son's.

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I'm so sorry this happened, I can see how it would be hard to feel like you have that to live up to. But he walked out on his responsibility and manhood, not you!

Be cordial, feel lucky that she is nice and responsible around your child. That is better than a woman who neglects and is nasty.

Remember, he will probably walk out on her too.

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E.,
Please remember, YOU are pretty and attractive too, or else he wouldn't have been with you in the first place. Men grow up so slowly. I mean the time to be afraid of being a father is BEFORE you have kids, not after. Maybe she helped him in that part or maybe he was finally mature enough to accept what was being said to him...it just happened to be her at that moment in time. Your feelings are valid and I don't mean to suggest they arent.

Now a piece of advice... always put your best face and personality forward when you see your ex and her! Put on a little Maybeline, style your hair (no ponytails) and put on a cute, casual outfit. Not to compete with her, but a little subtle reminder that you were a good catch too. Be confident in who you are. As pretty as you say she is, ALL women, even her have experienced a man leaving or a bad break up.

By the way, my stepson lives with us, his mom is in Calif. When she comes to visit, she stays here at our house in the guest room. At first I was pissed and worried when my husband invited her THEN told me. But the bottom line is she is here to spent time with her son. It gives me an opportunity to get to know her, she can see how I interact with her son. And the biggest pay off is my stepson can see we are all connected and communicating about him, his school work, punishement, etc. Not saying you have to get to this point, but just know there are lots of things moms have to do blended families work.

God Bless

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Try to feel good that she is good to your son. How terrible would it be if you had to send your baby to a woman who mistreated him? She was the catalyst for bringing your son's father back into his life.

I know it's got to feel absolutely terrible, but you WILL get over it in time. And don't ever ever ever wait for a man; get on with making a life for yourself, something to be proud of and know YOU did. Don't settle and don't wait.

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My Ex and I almost were remarried, then he married her 1 month later, pregnant the next month. It has taken a very long time for us to even be civil. When he would come get the girls she wouldn't get out of the car, or look at me. She would call him constantly while he was here if she wasn't with him.
We talk now, I know she is good to my girls, and that is all that really matters. When you finally start seeing someone, and realize it was nothing you did to make him leave...you will start to to heal. It really does take a long time. No matter how difficult, being jealous and bitter will only make YOU more miserable. How you are feeling is completely normal, it hurts.

I am too single, but I date, go to Church, do things with friends...which helps.

Good luck...C.

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As much as it sucks, sweetie, you are lucky that your ex is with someone that your son likes. I have stepparents and one I like and the other I used to not like. Your son would hate spending time with his father if he hated the lady his dad was with. Being civil with his father and "wife" is something great for your son. You would not want parents that fought all the time! (Trust me! I have been there with my own parents!)

You sound like an amazing person and that you are definately quite a catch! I know personally that I don't feel as attractive as I was pre baby. I think the advice to make sure you put on make up fix your hair and wear a cute outfit is great! You always feel better when you look your best!! And keep a smile on your face!!! I hope things get better for you!

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Hello there E.,
Time will heal all wounds. Trust me, she might be jealous of you too because you're the baby mamma. You had his heart first, and be thankful that she treats your son right. You don't have to like her, but you have to learn to get along with her.That's the most important thing.Yes, it's hard when the baby's daddy walks out, been there.Don't let another woman make you feel insecure because of her looks. Come on, she's messed up somewhere. Nobody's perfect.. I was once there just like you til I look at myself one day and said; Dam, I look good..Smile, it will get better.. Just learn to be conceited (kidding) and have confident and you'll be aright:) Good luck...

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There is a crude old saying that, "No matter how good looking some gal is, somebody, somewhere is tired of her." (I cleaned it up.) Couple that with knowing that they are both highly likely to do it again and probably NOT at the same time. When she is through with him, you will seem like home and funny thing is, you won't want him.
You deserve a better life and you are young enough to find one. It may be hard to get your mind around this but it would seem that you are a far superior woman to this flash from the magazines. Apologize to no one and get on with your life. Minimize your exposure to them and keep it brief and business-like.
Good luck girl!
C. S.

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Oh girl several years ago I was in this SAME situation and you ask what you can do to like this woman? First of all you must like yourself! If I could give you a hug I would because I know how much this hurts and we as American Women have this idea that we have to be super models to fit in and we DON'T I am not an ugly women and at one time I was very pretty (never knew it then because of my self esteem was always low) but now I am 37 with 3 kids and a hard life later 180 lbs still not ugly but by no means a super model and I can say I finally have come to grips with it is the inside that matters and we can't live life always wanting to be something else and envying people who "we think" are beautiful because those people have hurts and hangups just as we do look at Anna Kate, Britney Spears, all the "super models" who are in drug rehab and even dying because they hurt inside too, you have to let this go if you want to move on and be happy even if he left her today and you guys got back together there is too much water under the bridge and it would never be the same, so it is time to get out find friends and go on with your life and be yourself that is what GOD made you is E. not anyone else! I am a christian after years and years of heart ache and girl let me tell you it is so much easier to live that way with peace than the other! I have a VERY goodlooking husband and use to be so jealous even when a pretty women walked by and now I don't even care because I am happy with myself and think about you want your ex to be with a women that your son likes and that is good to him rather than an unattractive women who treats him bad! You will probably never get rid of the jealousy of any women he is with but you can overcome your hangup of this women, you never know when you will meet your next mate and look back and think GOD has a plan for you and when it is time he will bring it your way just keep your faith and chin up and feel free to e-mail me anytime if you need to talk because I have a lot of experience with heart felt moments in my 37 years and now I have so much peace 3 marriages and 3 kids later! It will be OK I PROMISE! J.

Hi E. -

I read your question and felt so bad for you. I don't think you have any issues with the "wife." I think you have issues with your self esteem. Find a therapist that can show you that you probably possess all the same qualities that you see in her, it's just the disappointment you feel in that relationship has jaded you. Good luck!!
M.

Honestly, I can not relate. Were yall ever married? IF so, even if not, him "being" (if you know what it mean, with her makes the entire relationship wrong and unstable for you. It takes a long time to get over a broken heart, and i think the trouble you are having with her is really beacause all of that. Your sone loves you more that he will ever love this woman, an unconditional love, you know that. In my opinion the best thing for you to do is grit your teeth and get you together. Get out there, our church has a great ABF class for singles. Meet new people, who will bring you up and make you look at your life and be happy with your own, then you will be able to be happy for him. Being the father of a child i know it has to be nearly impossible to get over, but ive been through heart break, and the only real reason I got over it is after I decided to turn my life as well as myself around and I was blessed with a life i would have never knew could have exsisted. Ill be praying for you as you go through all this, and if you ever wanna talk let me know, L.

Wow, I can understand you must be hurting right now. Perhaps your goal at this point should be to accept this woman, then later you might be able to like her. She may not be around forever, since your ex doesn't seem to have the best track record for maintaining relationships. However, since she did play an instrumental role in bringing your son's dad back into his life, it would be healthy for you emotionally if you could find a way to simply accept her.

I hope you can find enjoyment in being the best mom possible to your little boy. Be happy for this time he has with his dad. If you believe in God, take time to pray for your son's dad and his "wife". It's really hard to feel resentful towards someone when you pray for them over time.

I wish you the best and I will keep you in my prayers!

My heart goes out to you! I think any woman would feel the way you do about his "wife". It's going to be very tough to be her friend since she's got everything under the sun (looks, friends, "your" husband, etc.). The good thing is that she doesn't seem to be trying to rub it in that she's the "wife". You never know...she may not know the real story about him leaving you, so she may be oblivious to all of this. For all you know, he told her that you left him for someone else. Right now she seems very perfect, but nobody is perfect. They'll have their problems just like everybody else does. I know that's not very nice, but hopefully it'll help you get thru this to keep in mind that's their world is not likely as "perfect" as it seems. And since she's so beautiful & popular & all of that, is she going to be faithful to him? Just curious. She probably has a lot of men hitting on her all the time, especially in her "profession", so I'm sure that will be causing problems for them at some point, if it isn't already. I know I didn't really answer your question of how to get along with her. I don't know the answer to that. I think even if she were ugly and stupid, it would still be hard, especially with kids involved. Good luck!

E.,
I dont know you but I know that your beautiful inside and out. I can tell by your post. what Your feelings is natural response to what is going on in your life. Trust me everything your feeling will heal with time. E. GOD does everything for a reason and one thing that keeps me strong when im at war with myself is... GOD doesnt give you a cross you cant carry. It may seem tough but eventually you get through it and it makes you stronger.. Good luck and GOD Bless...

Hey, everyone in your shoes would be at least a little jealous, no biggie. Just keep in mind that whether she's pretty or not at least she is a good person since she is inevitably going to be in your son's life. I am sorry you kept yourself open waiting for your ex to come back but who wants to be with someone who walked out on you at such an important time in your life-his life too. Sounds like you have done a super job raising your baby on your own and rest assured there is someone out there for you-he was not for you or he wouldn't have left and it wouldn't have taken a "new wife" to get him back into his son's life. Your children will always think you are the most beautiful person in the world, they will probably take for granted that you know it. So it doesn't matter who he calls pretty, you are beautiful and irreplacable in his eyes!!

You've mentioned a lot of issues, but when you boil it all down, it comes to this: your own self-esteem. You think it would be easier if she were ugly and mean, but truthfully, there would be something else about her that would make you "feel" inadequate. You can't change your ex, you certainly can't change his partner, and you can't make people, including your child, not like her, nor should you.
I want you to hear this loud and clear--you need to move on. Take care of yourself--start working out, have fun with friends, (I know this is hard with a young child, but I'll bet you know other women with small children, too who would trade off babysitting duties...)make an effort to dress nicely, wear makeup, etc, etc. And if your ex comes sniffing around again (and he just might when he sees you really don't care anymore & you are taking care of yourself.) you can send him right back to where he came from... Get out an old copy of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" and play it til you believe it!

If she is truly a super model for car magazines...someone
better in every way that counts will get her attention.
I am sorry it took another woman to make him be part of
his child's life.
Since she is good with your son, that counts alot.
You only have to get along with her in one way...be polite.
Be respectful. Nothing says you and her have to be friends.
Niether of you will be going to each other's parents houses
for a holiday dinner, or parties together.
If a friendship happens in the future. That is another
bridge in the future.
Don't feel bad about yourself...you have a son, you have
been there for him in all ways for 12 months. Your
one good mom and woman. Don't let someone make you feel
different.

First remember you have something she will never have, his first born son.Many people who are "pretty" have many so called friends, because they attract attention.
Give her credit for wanting him to be involved with your son and in his life. Be thankful that she supports your situation, monetarily and with him being emotionally involved.This helps you and is a plus.

Stop hoping he will come back, even if he did it wouldn't be as you thought or hoped, as he left at the most important of times. I'm sure you had fears of becoming a new mother, but you couldn't just leave.

Build a life for you and your son.It will be happy and fulfilling in time you will find someone who realizes your true worth. When you do you will be glad you didn't tie your kite to your son's father for an anchor.

Last but most important, learn to liked yourself, this has been a harsh blow to your self esteem and you have to see that it didn't have anything to do with you. It was his lack or strength and character that lead to the decision to leave not anything you did. He would have left no matter who he had been with at that time. To confirm this it took her prompting to push him back into his own child life. This is a weak man and will allow others to direct his life as he doesn't trust himself to make decisions.
Good Luck and Good Life starts here.

Hi. I hope you are well. Well, I completely understand what you mean. However, noone says you need to like her. Get along maybe, would be the thing. She has a relationship with your ex and with your son. He does not need to see any kind of discomfort from you. He is young and does not know the difference. Now why he takes her to your house,lol, I don't know, maybe he "IS" trying to make you jelous. Girl don't let anyone make you feel that way, you are a great mother and I am sure you still got it going on. Don't compare yourself. Anway, don't wait anymore for him, go on your wasting you life away, while you could be out and allowing the Lord to place an awsome man in your life. I "KNOW" it hasw happened to me.lololol.. So, just forgot how pretty you think she is and look at yourself, you are worth so much more, you're the mother of his child and if he can't see that. well, you don't need that anyway.Remember, the outside doesn't stay pretty for ever but the inside is always the best. I hope I helped. If you ever need to talk, just keep in touch.

L.

My only thought to add is that to keep in mind that she is not the one that did you wrong. Your ex walked out on you guys and treated you poorly, not his new wife. Despite a crushed heart, for your son's well being, you just have to suck it up and be cordial. Nobody is saying you have to be friends with them, but keep the communication open, don't say bad things in front of your son, and remind yourself that the more people that love your son and treat him right the better off he is. It sounds like you are already doing all of those things despite how you feel, and that is truly admirable and strong.
You could also search out some counseling, which I always think is helpful, to help you sort things out.

I gotta say that I admire you, because it would make me so mad. You where treated unjust and have every right to feel upset. She's living the life that you where supposed to live. But one good thing about this is that in a way it gives you closure. Now you know that you and him will never be, so you can quit holding on to that illusion. You didn't do that to him, so you are the one that will prove to be loyal and honest to a good man someday. You're able to move on now. I went through something similar with my ex and I had to be honest with him and tell him that I could not handle him showing up with her. He understood and respected my feelings so I didn't ever see her again. It was hard when my daughters talked about her and him together, how happy they where. I cried a lot to my co-workers and they helped me get through it. So, it will pass, it just takes time. I am now married to a great man that has been more of a man that my ex could ever be, so don't give up.

I know how much we all need a break sometimes! I would if I were in your situation take the time your ex has your son and pamper yourself (if you can) or hang out with friends, or anything that lifts your spirit! Then when they drop him off you will feel refreshed and thinking about what a great time YOU had, not about your insecurities. I am a sahm w/3 and I know we as moms don't always make enough time for ourselves, and I always feel so much better when I do. I hope this helps somehow and God Bless.

that has to be very tough. the best advice i can give you is to try to focus more on the postives you have in your life. if you do this i can guarantee you will feel much better about yourself. you will never be happy as long as you continue to be envious. it will only become worse. and as for your ex, try to think of it this way; was he the one for you? i think it is obvious that he was not. there is a book called he's just not into you. you should check it out. anyhow, point being you really want someone who is going to think your the greatest most perfect woman on the planet. and unfortunately he did not. try to focus on how great you are & try, try, try not to be envious. good luck!