How Do I Explain the Precations of Sex to an Inquizitive 6 Year Old.

I would find out why he is suddenly so interested in sex, that's not the norm for a 6 year old. And his comments also sound very adult as well, as if someone told him those phrases---they are not the kinds of things kids can pick up on their own without exposure to it on TV or from an adult or older child. Not to be an alarmist, but often sexual molestation can trigger early sexual interest.

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When my son was age 5-6, I found a great book at the library that was a good source of child-appropriate information and helped to open the conversation when my son got curious. I was surprised that I had a hard time answering questions, but the book helped a lot (I didn't expect it to feel awkward - it all sounds easy in theory, right?)

Your son's enthusiasm for the idea cracks me up! Luckily, my son hasn't associated sex with himself much yet - it's all very abstract and grown up. But can you say something like, "When people are in love and committed to one another and old enough to be able to make love responsibly" or something like that?

I wouldn't do pictures of diseases. He's got at least a few years before it's even physically possible so why risk terrifying him? I think it would give him the wrong idea about sex, which should be described as a beautiful, loving experience (for grown ups!) And a more immediate reason - can you imagine him telling the other kids in first grade about the pictures? Principal's office for sure!

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Wow, he does ask alot of questions, doesn't he?! My son is 10, and he doesn't know all of that yet. We do answer his questions, but some of the time, we simply say that he will understand it better when he's a little older, so we'll talk about it more, then. We are taking it a bit slow, but he needs to be more mature emotionally before he's ready for all of the biological information.
I'd say no, don't show him pictures of diseases. To navigate through the questions he has, you can control the topic a bit by slightly refocusing the subject. For example, he brought up 'when he grows up' so start there. Ask him questions instead, about what he wants to do for a living when he grows up. If he's talking about being married or in love, ask him what qualities would make a good friend or a good girlfriend. It's easier than you might think to control the conversation without being obvious about it or saying outright, you're not ready to know that yet. Simply change the subject.
If my son was asking some of the same questions, I'd approach it differently, since he's older and is approaching the level of emotional maturity that can handle this type of information. I'm not saying lie to your son, but at his age, pictures of diseased bodies, in my opinion, will leave some emotional damage, and effect his body image in negative ways. Hope this helps, I know this is a tough subject for every parent.

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A.,

This does seem like it's getting a bit out of hand, huh?
First of all, I do wonder where he is getting this knowledge and language from. TV cartoons don't seem to be a likely suspect.

Secondly, I think that you might be doing too much answering and not enough questioning...What do I mean by that?? Well,
instead of running to answer his questions, how about making sure you understand what he means by them.

Six year olds, while they have sexual feelings, don't have the brain development that adults have, and therefore aren't really as capable as adults to process information.

To fully assess what is going on, try responding to his queries by FIRST identifying his feelings and asking him if in fact you're right, such as "Gee it sounds like you're feeling..... concerned, or worried, or upset or whatever you think he is feeling. See if you can get it right.
SECOND try reflecting back to him what he is saying, to make sure that you are fully understanding it. Let him confirm that what you are saying is actually what he thinks he is saying...such as "So you can't wait till your all grown up so you can have a wife"...wait...let him say yes, and keep summarizing until he says that you are understanding him....
THIRD, once you are this far along, ask him to tell you some more about this..."Tell me some more about X, Y, or Z" and then summarize what he has said back to him....

Notice, that you are taking yourself out of the equation and
are simply letting him clarify himself to himself through you. He will know that you understand his feelings and thoughts this way...AND this may be all that is needed!!!

FINALLY, once he tells you what his concerns are, and he is aware that you understand them, try simply agreeing with him and moving the conversation onto something else.

If these suggestions don't work, I would consider seeing a child psychologist, mostly because this kind of sexual interest is not typical in kids, and you might accidentally be reinforcing it...

I could understand an interest in say, airplanes, or trucks, or sports, but sex tends to be inferred in advertisements on TV, not blatantly discussed, and cartoons don't make a big deal out of sex, even the Simpsons, which is pretty sophisticated, makes only sly allusions to it.

So, my hunch is that he is picking up the words, not necessarily the full understanding of those words, from some other source. And he might be confused about it, and seeking some sort of clarification, but doing it as a 6 year old, which can be confusing to you.

And, you aren't exactly the only parent who has been and is confused by some of the things your kid is saying....Forty years ago Art Linkletter had a tv show and wrote books about this kind of phenomenon, something about "kids say the darndest things"...

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org
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I wouldn't. He's asking and he understands at a certain level, but I'm betting what he understand isn't what you think he does. AS far as pictures go... I agree with your instincts... YCCH!... I don't want to look at them myself.
Sometimes it's good to not tell every detail, because a child's points of reference aren't the same as ours. I remember my father's explanation of sex better than any other I've heard since... he simply said,"Making love is a beautiful thing, but you have to be in love for that, otherwise it's just sex, and that's nothing." I really think that's all a child needs to hear until his or her body is grownup... and even then, you temper it.

Sorry, but I think you've already given him way too much information. Only answer the question that is asked and remember he's 6. Sometimes you just need to change the subject and get him focused on other things. No pictures - we grownups can barely handle that.. Don't load that on his little mind. Too much, too fast.

Hi,
Oh boy! I also had a daughter who had many questions at an early age. I read her a book called God's Design for Sex. It is SO WELL DONE!! There are age guidelines as well, you can buy different books for different ages, but we read the book together, and it was quite graphic, but very so nicely done. It explained that Sex was a gift from God to you when you got married. (enter a nice discussion of why it is wise to wait-only if they ask the question)
The illustrations are beautiful.
Also, I would pry a bit to see if there is something going on at a friends house that is inappropriate (magazines, TV shows, Movies...teenage talk, etc).....

It is also important for you to tell him that you are proud of his communication regarding this subject....but it is something that stays between you and him. That he is not to share this information with other children, as only parents are to teach their kids about sex..

Good luck!

I had this same experience with my son. I was very open with him when I was pregnant, and he would bring up the subject with some frequency. I started saying that sex was for grown ups, that we would talk more about it when he was older, and I would change the subject. My feeling is that I was too open at too early an age. They have the intellectual capacity to understand what we're saying, but not the social sense to know it isn't something we need to discuss constantly. I would NOT show your son diseases. I would simply tell him that you will discuss it more when he's older, and shut down the conversation. He needs to understand that sex is not only something we do as adults, it is also something that we talk about as adults. This isn't the same as not giving him information. You've done that. Your next job is socialization, so he begins to understand what the boundaries are for him as a child.

I think you are doing just fine. I have 4 kids, ages 14,16, 18 and 19 and have always been very open and honest with them. They all know about sex and the consequences and are not sexually active. But, it can be somewhat embarassing when that same 6 year old decides to tell everyone they meet what they know about sex. Just be aware that this may happen. Good Luck!

I'm not sure I can help as I would never talk that openly about sex with a 6 yr old. I don't think you need to worry about him talking to "friends" from school because I'm pretty sure most kids his age have no clue what sex is. Don't show him pictures, he is much too young for that. I think maybe saying something like "this is something for adults and not something you should worry about right now" might help him to stop asking so many questions. Good luck. :)

Hi A.: It is of course hard to answer this since you've been dealing with it every day and I just have a summary but my first thought was that you are giving him too much information. Not necessarily what you say but the volume of what is said. I wouldn't want to tell you to "put him off" because clearly you want to be open with him but it seems that his questions might subside with a little less information. For example when he asked about you and Daddy perhpas just saying "we should have been married first" and that's it might over time satisfy his curiosity. With so much information, he is bound to come up with a million more questions. Hope that helps...

Sounds to me like you've already gone overboard with education for a 6 year old. Talk to your dr. about things to say. Don't take it upon yourself to tell him things that he can't possibly understand at his young age. Tell him that you'll teach him more as he gets old enough to understand. Make other things to talk about more important. He'll go along with whatever you lead him too.

First I wanted to say it is great u are open with him. I don't think he need pic's of diaseses. He does seem to have questions. Sit down with him and lay it out. Ask why he wants to know and he can tell u anything. Let hem ask any and all things that come to mined so there is nothing left in the dark. give him the nitty gritty of it. From what u wrote he seems to thing Sex = Love. It = babies. And yes he should wait for some one he loves and wants babies with. Keep being open with him. That is great that he comes to u. If it is all the time maybe tri wo set asite a time for these questions so u don't have to deal with it allll the time.

I think you are doing a great job of keeping the lines of communication open. I too think that pictures might be going a bit too far. At this age, just keep the answers at the same level as the questions. Absolutely answer the ??? he has, but remember it is true that he seems smart, but he is still a child of 6.

I would turn to your son's school to see what the heck is going on there. To say 'I can't wait to have sex' at 6 is just too early. I understand the curiosity of 'where the babies come from' and all the kissing he may see on TV, but his questions sound a little more mature for his age.

Whatever the case may be, I wouldn't concentrate on this subject to the depth of explaining that he may get AIDS or end up being a single father. He is way too young to grasp these serious lectures you are giving him doubt he fully understands half the things he says.

My way would be to gently change the subject to something else without making it seem like you are ignoring what he has to say. Reply nice and short, like 'yes, it is a beautiful thing when two people are in love like your dad and I' and move on to something different.

Hi A., I am glad to hear you are open with your 6 year old about sex. One thing us adults forget that we try to answer questions in adult ways or maybe they are not asking us any questions at all but just talking. Anther, thought I had when reading your question is that you are making sex a taboo (wait until you are married) and this makes kids want to investage more. It is okay to show him kids books about sex but he doesn't need to know all details. He is six! I give you big time, "Way to go Mom and thumbs up." for being open just slow down. I think it is good that you tell your son the truth about his body and how baby are made but just wait until he ask you. Every kid is different and if he really want to know about sex at this age fine just make sure it simple. My parents told me the truth at a younger age and I am fine. I have two daughter that understand how things work and they are fine too.
good book:

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/babies/index.htm

I hope this helps some.

You are doing fine! I don't know that I would go so far as to show him pictures of people with STDs but I think you are doing GREAT in your explanations! Be honest, even if you have to say, "I don't know, but I will look into it for you". Check out your library or Halfpriced Books for age appropriate books, talk about what he sees. =) Good luck and trust your gut!

I understand that you are open with your child, but this is a little extreme. Unfortunaltely we had to tell my daughter about babies and everyhting because she has a chronic illness and the doctors wanted her to know what the drugs would do to her and that was when she was 7, but we do not talk about sex past medically. Your letting your child discover a world that is not for children his age. At school I can guarentee that 1st graders are not discussing sex and diseases they can catch.
You do what ever other parent says, we will talk about it when the time comes, as for now do not worry your little head about it.

When your child says he can't wait to have sex, why not just come back with a question like what do you mean? He may not know what sex is exactley unless you've already explained it to him. I also feel showing him pictures of diseases now is not appropriate. When he says he can't wait to get married and make love, say "yes, it is wonderful to be married to a person you love" and leave it at that. I feel your giving too much info. right now. I am a mother of a 5 year old in Kindergarten and he says things too about a boy likes a girl or whatever and I say oh really. and leave it at that. Then change the suject. Good luck!

You should buy a children's book that explains about sex. I was in the same situation with my daughter many years ago. I bought a children's book that explained it all including drawings. I used the same book for my other children as they were growing up. You can use the same book over and over, since they retain differnt things depending on their age.

Good luck.

I also have a very inquisitive little 5 year old boy. I think you have done a wonderful job of explaining "sex" to your son. Like you, I was (and am) not married to his dad and we are no longer together, so I have had the struggle of wanting to explain things in the way I should have done things. I would not go as far as showing pictures, but save that for when he is older and the idea of sex turns into action or contemplation by other kids at school. Good job!

You should do some investigating as to where he has gotten all these ideas about sex, because a typical 6 year old does not know about "getting married and making love" and "can't wait to have sex". Yes, it is natural for children to be curious about sex but in my opinion this is a bit more than natural curiosity.

Please do not show pictures of the diseases, as that is going way too far. I'm all for parents being open, honest, and available when it comes to the topic of sex because I firmly believe that parents should be the first and best source of information. I think that having this sort of relationship reinforces the idea that sex is a normal and natural thing and not something that is shameful or bad. Of course you want your child to know the consequences of unprotected/unplanned/noncommitted sexual activity, but pictures are scare tactics, not to mention entirely too graphic for a 6 year old.

The best way to talk to kids about sex around his age is to answer his questions simply. I'm not saying you should lie to him or withhold information, but sometimes when kids ask questions about sex parents tend to go way overboard. Answer his questions honestly but succinctly. And, do some research on books or other aids that can help you continue the conversation with your son.

No pictures please! Most 6 year olds can barely understand the consequences of their behavior, much less connecting horrible diseases with sexual promiscuity.

Sounds like you are doing a great job in an awkward situation. Just relax. Minimize the details, but you can draw boundaries when it comes to personal issues. His fascination will burn itself out.

When my daughter was 8 (she is now 25) she asked me if I was having sex with the man I was engaged to. I responded that sex is a private thing between adults and I was not going to answer her question because it was private and not appropriate for her to know or ask. I asked her if she thought it would be approaprite to ask her grandparents if they had sex. She responded "Of course they have sex, they had kids!"

See, one day you too will have a funny story to tell!

Your posting has stayed with me all day. It really disturbed me. I don't know what cartoons have commercials that would lend themselves to discussing sex with a 6 year old. I have 2 kids and at that age they are discovering their bodies and discussions of "private areas", etc. are appropriate, but I cannot imagine, no matter how hard I try, how on earth a dicussion that is age-appropriate would go further and as far as you say yours has. Your child knows way, way too much for his age and you need to stop telling him more than he is prepared to hear at his age. I don't care how inquisitive he is, you are the mom and you need to only tell him what he needs to know. You say you are horrified and you should be. I was also horrified reading it. Please find a good child psychologist to help your son deal with knowing what he knows and to help you figure out what is truly age appropriate information. I worry that there could be trouble down the road for your son knowing all he knows at such a young age.

I would say no to the pictures, just emphasize the consequences aspect. I'm eight months pregnant and my 5 year old has been getting very inquisitive about what daddy has to do with mommy having a baby and I have had some interesting moments with that. I haven't explained the exact mechanics to him, just told him that that's one of the things we use our privates for and then I told him that I would tell him exactly how it works when he's a little older. He talks a fair bit about what it's going to be like and what he's going to do when his wife is pregnant. It's kind of funny. Last time I was pregnant he just pretended that he had a baby in his tummy too, except I was having twins so he told me he had one in his tummy and one in his right knee, go figure. This time he's asking questions and his three year old sister is pretending. It sounds like you're handling it well, good job.

Sounds like you are doing a good job. I would be horrified too. I am too old!
A.