How Do I Deal with This? - Lincoln,CA

This is a time to use "mirroring." Mirror his emotions, don't give advice. When he complains, just agree with him, don't offer solutions or tell him it will get better. Say, "yes, taking care of kids is REALLY hard," and things like that.

It is the most amazing technique. When you do this and don't try and fix things, he will become instantly happier. Try it.

Women are more resilient; men need to complain! Sometimes you don't have to do anything but just listen and commiserate... hope he will feel better!

Haven't had time to read the other responses, but wanted to suggest a little ego boosting - whenever you see him handling things well, even if it's a miniscule little thing, tell him what a great dad he is, how capable, and (if the kids are out of earshot ;> ) how sexy he is to you when he's parenting.

Good luck!

H

Dear R.,
One thing I can assure you is that most men, (not ALL of them) have no idea what it takes to keep the house and the kids going day after day. My husband used to say things like, "I work my butt off while all you have to do is sit around and play with the kids all day". He completely resented me not working. The first thing he did when he got home was start running his fingers over surfaces in the house and God forbid if he found a single speck of dust or the tiniest crumb on the floor. He was a tyrant. I got sick and had to go into the hospital so he was on his own with the kids for almost a week. He figured out REAL fast that I didn't just play all day and you've never seen anybody so happy to get back to work in your life. The kids were no worse for wear, but you'd think it killed him. The laundry wasn't kept up, he hadn't dusted a thing...he didn't know where to find time to do all of it.
I never once said, "I told you so". I didn't have to.
I think your husband is just venting and perhaps a little too proud to come right out and say this was a lot harder than he thought it would be. I think he does perhaps feel that you aren't listening to him. Sometimes, that's all a person needs....just to feel as though they are heard. Instead of telling him to stop getting stressed in front of the children, I would try saying, "I hear ya....our little boy can be a real handfull. Maybe try getting them out for a walk and we can talk more when I get home. Hang in there. I love you!"
After you've got the kids to bed and things are calmed down, let him talk and really listen to him. This may be something that you can ride out together or you may need to find other solutions. Ask him if he has any ideas and let him know that if he's just venting, that's fine, but it's tough on you as well knowing that when you are at work, there is nothing you can do about whatever is happening that minute at home.
I know men who get upset and have even gotten in trouble at work because their wives call every 5 minutes. "Tommy just flushed a toy down the toilet. Amy refuses to eat any of her lunch. Tommy just bit Amy." What is a person supposed to do about it when they are at work?
The other trap people fall into is jumping the working parent the minute they come through the door about everything crappy that happened all day before they can even get their coat off. One person is fed up and needs to vent and the other one needs to switch from work to home mode. It takes healthy communication skills and a little bit of a buffer zone and couples talking and listening with no judgement. If younger kids are used to having one parent be the primary caregiver and that changes during certain time frames, they learn that one parent does things one way and the other does things differently and that's okay. But in the meantime, your son may really be testing dad to the max and dad might need some support so that he knows it's not anything he's doing wrong, he just needs to be consistant and follow through and find what works.
It's a sad fact, but today, many parents feel they are more part of a tag team wrestling match than part of a marriage and a family. Those are very real feelings.
How many times have you read on here that someone feels like a bad mom because their kid does this or won't do that? I don't think it's any different for dads who realize how overwhelming it can all be. Women are very supportive of each other but men tend to not reach out as much. And I don't think it would be normal for someone to say they never had one single day that they just felt like ripping their hair out. It comes with the territory and your husband is reaching out to you.
But, the texting thing needs to go, in my opinion, unless it's an emergency and he's fine with just getting a smiley in response, WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE.
I did daycare and I can't imagine contacting someone at work to complain about their kids. I suppose if I did, they would't have their kids with me very long.
If this is ultimately just too much for your husband then he needs to come up with some Plan B solutions such as he will take extra work so you can stay home and you will consider it once he has that second job under his belt. I don't know how much money you make, but you working just to afford outside daycare on the weekends, you might as well be home and both of you be willing to make the sacrifices that come with that decision. If you not working isn't an option, then you have to come to an agreement that this is something you have to ride out together. He may hate it and that may be an honest statement. But that doesn't have to mean he hates you or the kids, it's just not what he perceives as ideal. Maybe he's sad there isn't enough money for you to just have weekend time as a family and it's not even about the kids driving him crazy. That's where listening comes in.
You need to find ways to lift each other up regardless of how hard it is. And it does take work. Both of you working together. Since you have neighbors willing to help out, take the kids over for an hour or two and just reconnect with your husband. A house divided falls, so you need to set the kids aside now and then and direct your energies on being a husband and wife. Your plans, your goals, what you need from each other. Your kids will be fine as long as you can be strong together. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

I wish you the best!

Hi R.,

Ok,...so....men have no common sense, right?...Well, because of this, it takes them longer to figure things out :O) Diaper changing and feeding are just too easy to even put on a schedule.....he'll figure out a schedule will help him eliminate some crankiness.

It sounds like your husband is really trying. And WHO ELSE knows what he is going through, except YOU....that is why he texts you....he knows you will understand. Try to be patient with that part of it, because it's his way of "venting", I'm sure.

I'm sure you've tried this, but have YOU written down a "schedule" for him to try to follow? Or, is he trying to figure it all out for himself? 2yr olds can be tough, and even WITH schedule they can be defiant, but a routine is still helpful. If you haven't, try writing down how YOU run your day with your boys....tell him the "tough parts", but you do to make it successful. He may not do it the same way, but dad's have a great way of doing the needs of the child in their own "dad way"....but you're help is what he might need to get going.

Your family is going through MAJOR emotional adjustment right now....each and every one of you are. I commend your hubby for "taking it on"....mine has said, "I wouldn't last a day!" Which scares me because I go on a business trip for 4 days in December (new P/T job training), and he will be in charge of everything....yikes!

Your hubby is not going to ask anyone for help....to him, that is like "asking for directions"....a sign of failure (or something silly). Your husband sounds determined to figure it out on his own, with occassional "venting" to you.

Unless he is asking for you help with this, I would just "stroke" him with positive, like 'honey, you're such a good dad"....'look how much he loves you"...things that reassure him of why he's doing this :O) We all need that reassurance, don't we?

Something will "click" for him and he will "get it' and figure it all out....it will just take him longer than it would take you :O) And he DOES get it, and is proud of himself for it, try to congratulate him instead of saying,, "that's what I've been telling you"... :O)

The hard part of transitioning is almost over, so things are bound to get better if you and your hubby keep talking :O)

~N. :O)

I hesitate to say this, but prehaps the decision you made for him to be the caregiver while you are working was not the best one. He may be fully capable to take care of your children but it may not be right for him. It doesn't mean he's a bad Dad. Being a caregiver for such a long stretch of time can be very stressful for some. And, he's got them at dinner and bedtime, probably the most difficult times of the day! Maybe the two of you need to rethink how you're going to handle your job and look at other options. Maybe instead of giving him phone numbers to call on, find a high school student or nieghbor who can come over for a few hours during that three day stretch so your husband has time to "regroup" himself and take a breather. At least he's being honest. I believe you need to be open minded because if he is truely miserable all the encouragement you offer, is just a "band aid" to the problem. It might be time to take action, for everyone's sake.

I have a friend who does the same thing. She stays home during the week and her husband has the kids on Saturdays and Sundays while she works. They made this decision together in order to be able to make the money they need to live the life they want to to live. Her husband struggled at first, but it didn't take very long for him to adjust and get into a routine. That being said, every man is different. Her husband it the type who will make dinner and comes home and plays with the kids, etc. If I were to ask my husband to follow the same arrangement on a long term basis it would never work, he would be complaining like your husband is complaining. So bottom line, every man is different. And you have to decide whether you working is worth the headache, or if you have to work and you have to tell him to just shut up and deal. If you can make cut backs and find a way so that you don't have to work, that might be the best solution because not all men are capable of being "mr. mom".

I'd definitely take Helen's advice and check with him to see if he is just letting off steam or what. Be open, tell him that you are miserable on weekends too because you know how difficult it is for him. Perhaps a weekend daycare would help, or hiring a teen or elderly lady to come over for 2-4 hours those days and just play with the kids. Hubby can get some errands done or go watch a game so he gets some "man time". But I feel he definitely cannot do this on a long term basis. If he's working full time and gets no days off he won't get better any time soon. Men need their 'play' time and it usually does not involve cooking or diapers! Don't expect him to ask for anyone else's help, you make the arrangements. He'll be happier for it. You'll have better peace. Because when the youngest starts walking and getting into stuff, things will get worse.
Take care,
D.

I am gonna be different form the habd hold ing approach seen below cuz i say tell him to grow up and deal OR get your kids a competent babysitter and tell him to get a second job to pay for it

Sounds to me like he doesn't want advice on how to handle it, just a listening ear for him to vent to. And who better to vent to than his wife. Maybe next time you should just try saying "I know how hard it is, and you are doing a great job!" and leave it at that. Sometimes I know that I just need to vent, I don't expect someone to tell me how to fix it or what I am doing wrong, I just need to get it off my chest and then I feel better. Maybe you guys need to talk again, and see if he wants to change the situation. Maybe he could watch them on Friday and Sunday all day long, and on Saturday, someone could come over for half the day, and he can get out and go do some guy thing that he enjoys? Good Luck, I know that it is a tough situation!

My husband watched our two boys two days a week and there were many weeks when there were complaints. Now we're down to one day a week. Tell him to suck it up. If you can do it, so can he.
For anyone who has children (especially boys) close in age, it's going to be hard at times. Tell him to enjoy the time he has now, because as they get older, it'll be hard in different ways. In two years the'll be fighthing with each other and breaking everything in sight. Tell him to enjoy his time with them. Take them to the park. Put them in the stroller and go window shopping. Color with them. In a few years they won't even want to be in the same zip code with him.

Hi R.,
We are going through the same thing right now, but our kids are older and therefore easier (7 and 4). I just started a new job where I have to be out of town 3 days every week, so my husband now has to be the primary caregiver on those days.

What I think helps is listening to him in a non-judgmental way. When he says, "Oh, the kids were so terrible after school today! They've been fighting and they won't do their homework!" I'll say, "I'm so sorry to hear that! It must be really hard to referee them after a long day at work!" This way, he knows I hear him and understand where he's at, and that it is not a contest (EVER) as to who does more for the kids, who has it worse, etc. We are on the same team.

After a little while, he has hit his stride and is really getting into the primary caregiver role. When I walked in the door this last week from my time out of town, he had them sitting at the dinner table, and in order to get the little one to finish her glass of milk, he was singing Rugby drinking songs to her! LOL - the important thing was, he was in the moment with the kids and loving every minute of it. He's beginning to realize that he can do things that I can't, and that he is every bit as good at being the primary care giver as I am. Once your husband gains confidence, he'll realize this too, and his relationship with his kids will be much stronger for it! Hang in there, he will get past this with your understanding and support.

I agree with you 100% but having said that I will also say what he is feeling is real: STRESS. Some people are not made for/have the patience to watch their kids. I know this because I have an 11 month old and oh my goodness it is the hardest, most stressful job I have EVER had. And I'm the mom. And I love my baby more than anything. I'm just not cut out for this quite like other moms. Again having said that, ways to help him get through this and go according to the plan you both developed. Tell him he's doing a great job and give him ideas to keep the kids enteratained at their different ages (baby in the swing etc) and the older child with his favorite toy/show etc. Remind him of the help the neighbors have offered and maybe just schedule the help for him. He might be afraid to ask for help or think he can handle it, then can't, then get stressed. Hang in there and take the advice of the other moms. He's obviously not quite as equipped as you but he still needs to do this job and help take care of his kids! Good luck!

Something that might help your husband is to commiserate with other fathers. You might check and see if there's a Mom's club nearby that has a stay-at-home fathers group. There aren't a lot of them but they are there. I have a feeling your husband is feeling very isolated and lonely. Perhaps help him set up a routine...go from a hike in the morning, stop at a play ground, lunch, nap time, maybe a little TV and maybe another walk in the neighborhood. Infant/toddler is a hard age for anyone. Good-luck.

How about a "Daddy and Me" class or something like that where he can meet other dads and have a place to vent and learn other dad's strategies. That's what we as women have that makes it all possible. I think dads don't have that.

I have to agree with Helen, he may just be needign to vent. As a SAHM (until 2 weeks ago!), I would often get frustrated with my child and send my husband messeges saying things like "she won't eat dinner, I am out of ideas" or "I am so frustrated with XXXX, She is being a pain"...more so that I could get it out and not take it out on our child. He too thought I was asking him to come home or make some change, it was only after a LONG day with many messeges that HE got frustrated with me, and we had "discussion" about it that he realized i was venting. Now, when I send a message, he will either write something funny back, or send me a smilie face, and if I am really frustrated, he will let me know that he will try to get home a little earlier than usual.

I would order a pizza and have a drink and a long talk about it, see what the root of the issue is, and find a solution that works for both of you. I know when I leave my daughter with her dad, it helps if i have the clothes laid out, lunches made (I usually am leaving in the morning), etc, so it is one less thing he has to worry about.

Hope that helps!

L.

Dear R.:

I was glad to see you were first asking how to "encourage" your husband before "explaining" to him.

One of the things they say is different about males and females is that males want to solve and females want to be understood. I think in this situation, having been placed (even by his own agreement)in the motherly nurturing role with very young children your husband wants mostly to be understood.

I am sure that you would enjoy being home with your two little boys all weekend and would not find it any harder than being with them during the week, except that it would be more fun because your husband would be there and you would have fun together as a family.

Your husband does not have the family fun of having you share the load and being able to easily do things with two parents and two children. It is hard after working all week and I can imagine the children miss you too.

If you absolutely must work to keep your foot in the door of your chosen career or to make ends meet as far as finances are concerned, then helping your husband understand how you FEEL as well as understanding how he FEELS is a good idea. Would he rather work at an extra job and leave you home with the children? Do you have any friends who would like to have your husband and the boys join in their weekend activities?

Your older son is entering the rebelious two year old stage. My husband who worked a normal schedule loved that stage because he saw the personalities developing and he loved to do activities with them at this age and beyond. Of course that freed me to be with the babies or let me concentrate on the other children (of five) while he had fun with the two year old. Having a 9 month old along with a child who is learning to test you and to say no can be a lot less fun than it will be later on. It is hard to see that a stage will pass.I wish there were a place for single fathers or fathers who are doing child care for the weekend to get together..Is there?

Blessings on your family and lots of luck working this out!!

N.

I would probably show him a listing of events that are going on that may be of interest.

When my son was about 3, I got out a map of our city and told him to point to something green, then I drove there and we explored a new park, it was lots of fun and we went back to that park many times. If you provide rain boots for your kids, remind your husband that puddles are lots of fun to jump and splash in - stock up on hot chocolate or apple cider and marshmallows so they can all have a warm drink after they dry off.

Have your husband watch you interact with the children (play dough, bubbles, stories, rolling truck across the floor etc.) so he can see that it is fun and entertaining even for adults. Once he and the kids develop a routine, the hours are much easier and more fun to fill.

hi,

I think you need to sit down with your husband and see if you can find out the problem areas are. Is it the length of time he is alone with the kids, is it getting them to bed ect... Then try to solve the issues. Maybe a part time helper, like a teenager comming in for a few hours during the day. THe kids are probalby in bed by 7:00 so he only has to watch them for about 7 hours. if he had help duing a time that is most stressful maybe that would help. But I am sure if it were just you taking care of the kids during that time you would not be calling your husband saying its too much work. The problem is how your husband views his responsibility. If he realized watching the kids was as much his job as yours he would do a better job and not have so many issues with it. I think it is going to be an ongoing process of talking to him and working on this issue. Is his complaint that he has no free time to do things he likes to do by himself? Is there anyway you can schedule in some free time just for him. Men are not like women. Most are not great at childcare, and most men are pretty selfish about their free time.

Good luck
J.

Sneaky though it is, I constantly say things to hubby like "when the boys think back and remember me, I want them to remember stuff like how great a story teller I am, or (fill in the blank) me teaching them baseball, or my patience". Also, I ask him what he remembers about his childhood and his parents. Was it all stress or were there good things too? Constant positive reinforcement is required my our darling hubbies. Keep telling him he can be any kind of father he wants to be. It's up to him.

I don't know your full situation, but, some men are not "baby people".

Before we had kids, we talked about shifting my husband to a tele-commute situation so he would be primary caregiver to avoid the need for daycare since his job had more flexibility. I would work 6-3, which would get me home in time to allow him time blocks for scheduling phone meetings.

That plan lasted until the first was born. He realized he couldn't deal with a baby and thankfully we were able to have open communication about the situation. I went back to work in a normal schedule with a daycare provider. It meant our budget didn't pan out the way we'd hoped, but we retained our sanity.

It sounds like you and your husband have decided on this arrangement to save money on childcare... a reasonable decision, by the way. However it also sounds like this arrangement is cutting into the 'togetherness' time for each other that both of you need. I wonder if this is part of the problem he's having dealing with being alone with your boys.
It's easy to make a plan about something just looking at the practical aspects, but to not consider all the emotional repercussions that might come as a result.
I really think you need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion as to whether this work/childcare situation is really the best thing for both of you. You may find another plan will work out better. Or you may, just by airing the issues, be able to figure out how to make this plan work better for both of you and for your boys. Try to ask him just what it is that is bothering him most... he may not be able to even tell you, and you might have to think about things that bother you when you are in charge at home, and just ask him if he's bothered by the same things. That may give you an opening to help him learn how to cope with things better.
You also might, if you feel comfortable doing this, just ask one of those neighbors to find a reason to simply drop by once in a while and look in on them. Just having another adult come by may give your husband enough of a break to help him cope. And if the neighbor finds him frustrated about something, he or she may be able to make some good suggestions to your husband about how to deal with that particular situation.
Hmmmm... do you ever text him when you are frustrated with the boys? This may sound mean, but I wonder what he'd say or do if he started getting as many messages from you while he's at work as you are from him? I don't really recommend you do that, but you might want to just pose the question to him and see if that helps him realize better your side of things.

I read about half of the responses, and almost every single one of them was giving men an excuse out of caring for their children! He needs a break, man time, alone time? If you are working with the kids all week, then a 9-5 on weekends, when is your break? Why is a man more entitled to a break than a woman? Ok, sorry, I'm not trying to go on a feminist rant, just getting very frustrated with all of the enabling.

I was really thinking about this, and their are some things that women and men thrive in, and they aren't always the same thing. But, its not to be said that we can't learn from each other. Taking care of two kids is very stressful! Remember what it was like when you brought baby number 2 home from the hospital? When I brought Cammy home it felt like everything I had worked on with Reese was out the door. The schedule was a joke, meal time was whenever I could get something on the table, and alone time was a joke. It about two consistent weeks of just the kids and I to really figure out how things were going to work with this new addition. Your husband is at a disadvantage because you have already figured that out, and are in the swing of things. I would imagine that he feels not as good as you. But remember, the routine you have now you had to learn, and he's learning for three days at a time, then getting a 4 day hiatus. I always think of it as working out, if you take a 72 hour break all of that muscle you built is fading away.

Walk a mile in his shoes and realize how hard it is for him. Maybe you guys can sit down together and help him create his own routine with the kids. Your routine and his routine don't need to be the same, as long as it works for him and the kids then its perfect. Even with a routine and a supportive wife, everyone has bad days. Kids are hard and demanding, but they also have amazing points. Maybe your husband just needs a little bit of help remembering how good the boys are, and why he felt capable of doing this in the first place. In the end everything is going to work out fine, just take life one day at a time. Also, maybe a 2 or 3 day getaway would work wonders for the family. Nothing major, just going to the beach, or the aquarium, or even just re-exploring your home town.

He is venting honey. Just let him vent. When he talks, if you have to, think about something else far away while you are staring into his eyes with that "I understand" look.

Get you and him on a B complex liquid vitamin (with a high b5 in it)- drop it under the tounge twice a day. If it doesnt have a good amount of b5, add an extra b5 pill to the regime. Also do take Magnesium citrate daily. Both of these will help relieve some stress. Cod liver oil also stablizes moods. All the stress you both are going through will cause adrenal exaughstion, and depression can set in. Are either of you having backaches? backaches during extreme stress are a prime sign of adrenal exaughstion. Stop all soy products, reduce corn syrup additives, add vit c to your regime. And, removing coffee from the diet helps with stress - bigtime. I can't drink a cup without noticing the effect the next day- I flip out at little things. Everytime on the rare times I drink it!
Good luck.

Maybe you could be a bit more responsive to what he is trying to tell you. He's overwhelmed. Maybe you could reduce the number of hours he is babysitting the kids to offer him some relief, or maybe you could change your hours at work so the two of you have more together time. I think your ignoring a plea for help, and may be putting your marriage and your kids in jeopardy. Help the guy! 30hrs a week of an infant and a 2 year old is a lot for anyone, and he is telling you he is not coping with it well. Help him figure something out that will work. t

Well, maybe he's not so amazing after all! Does he know how to schedule children? For example, perhaps both children still take naps in the early afternoon. Then he could take them to a park, or even something more exciting once a week, like the zoo or a little farm. Perhaps a local library would have a program for small children, like storytime. Some regional parks offer short programs for small children (although at 2, the parent still has to be there). On weekends there may be festivals or special programs to which he could take the children. Does he have a bedtime routine--bath, story, bed?

Another thing is perhaps he doesn't realize he needs to actually interact with the children. Reading stories, playing records (or CDs today, I guess), building with blocks, fingerpainting, making puzzles, maybe even kicking a ball back and forth...

Remember, the kids are at tough ages, but at least they're not teenagers!

Hi R.,
Instead of trying to get your husband to 'not stress out in front of the kids' (which, I'm willing to bet, he hears as 'you're doing it wrong'), try, 'Wow, it sounds like you're really overwhelmed right now-- I'm sorry to hear that!' a little sympathy and empathy can go a long way. You may be surprised at how quickly he stops complaining once he feels like you have heard him and sympathize with his troubles.

He may need to be in a place where he feels heard first before the positive feedback can be more helpful. A therapist or other safe person can help or an opportunity to debrief at home together can help. Let him express his frustrations and then give him positive feedback based on what you have heard or his strengths, but make sure he gets an opportunity to vent, no matter how much you want to make it better. It will likely get better, but he needs the opportunity to express the frustration and feel heard first before you give the positive pep talk. You've got some of the right idea, but let him get his feelings out first. Make an appointment for a time when you can listen, since it is difficult to do much during your work time. That part is understandable. I'm sure it would be hard for him if the situation were reversed.

Did you ever think that maybe he isn't texting you for a solution but just to vent? Something most SAHM can relate to! =) ACK! The kids are fighting and I can't STAND IT! Geez, there is water all over the bathroom floor again!
Ask him whether it is venting or is he really asking for a change. I would point out to him that no matter whether it was you or him at home the kids would still be at the age they are now, going through the stages that they are. It is NOT easy! But, I would also point out that he gets the lovely baby fresh from the bath smells, the "I love you Daddy" moments that MOST dads don't get because either they are at work or because mom is caring for the kids.
I personally will say that this age is fleeting, enjoy it while you can because it will be gone before you know it. And I am going to say to you, R., bring him home a pizza, rub his shoulders, be sure and appreciate him as your husband. That is one of the biggest things that gets lost in being a parents rather than husband and wife. I know you are working too but be sure and find the time to appreciate this man. Believe me, it will come back to you. =)
Deep breath. Love each other, kiss your babies.....

R.,
Show him the Mamasource site and let him set up his own account. He will be helped by being able to read other caregivers/parents comments and see that he is not alone and that "this too will pass". He can also post his own concerns/questions, and get the support and wisdom of other parents.

G.

May be your husband just need to vent? may be he can and will solve his problems, but in the mean time need to tell them to someone? May be all he needs is TLC? Also: how much time does husband have to spend with you, now that you work weekend?
And last one: may be time to re-evaluate the decision you both made regarding your work? If he forgot what it was, it is the best way to get him again into the buy-in.

Unfortunately, transitions are always hard.

D. Orr
daliacoachesparents.com

Since I don't know what your circumstances are, It sounds to me like you work Friday, and the weekend, and are with the kids the rest of the week when your husband works? If this is the case, then maybe your husband misses his weekends to do what he wants or needs to do... or many he misses them with you and the kids as a family.

It must be more difficult for most men to care for the kids than their wives. Maybe he needs some outwardly support from the neighbors instead of just phone numbers that he can call. Maybe occasionally, the neighbor can come over and offer to take the kids for a couple of hours, giving you husband a break.

R.,
Sounds like your husband just needs a listening ear. Sometimes it is VERY encouraging just to be heard. He's probably not really asking for advice, but needs to vent to someone who's over 3 feet tall! When you are listening, even while texting, it's important to simply let him know that you heard the gist of what he has said. So, if he talks about the 2 year old, you can simply repeat back that your husband was expecting some help from the older baby and didn't get it. It's that simple. Take it slow and keep it simple. Try to be understanding. Know that he will find his own way of working through things, and that it will likely be different from your way. When we are listening, we you sentences that start with the word, you. "You are feeling overwhelmed." "You are dreading having the boys alone all weekend." You're just repeating back what you've heard without adding your own feedback. Do this and wait to see what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised. Of course, if your husband is asking you for help or advice, please do give it. For more tips, check out stancomarriage.org.

hmm...I might not have the best response....but if he were a woman..to me ..it sounds like he might need a daddy day..I could be wrong..not sure how the rest of his work is....maybe you can arrange possibly the neighbors watching the kids one day while daddy has just a day to himself...

I find when I start complaining constantly..that just getting some time to myself rejuvenates me..

If this does not work, then you and him need to re-evaluate who watches the children/work etc.

just another idea...I'm part of a mommy group and that has seemed to help with me constantly calling hubby about problems that arise.....maybe if he became a part of an online parenting group, he can voice his concerns there as well and realize, he's not the only one dealing with these problems..and possibly find alternative solutions to help him. My group I am with is through meetup.com..but I know yahoo.com has groups.....and if he is spefically looking for Daddy groups..I'm sure he could find an online one.

I think part of the stress comes from not having the job down. Parenting is not easy, and even moms don't know everything - thats why we have great resources like this! I think your husband would be a lot happier if he learned some behavior management skills/ time management. He should take a parenting class, or a child development class. He can always buy a textbook if he doesn't have time to attend. He'll be better equipped to handle the day. You could even join him if he feels singled out b/c he's the only one taking the class.

Let me preface this by saying that this is Just my Opinion.
I think that men have an extremely hard time getting out of funks. I think that drugs help. Prozac, what have you. Men, in my experience, don't try as hard as we do when they are unhappy. So my advice, based solely on my own experiences, is if you can't get him on mood altering drugs, to give him lots of Sex and blowjobs to get him in the better mood, and then you can work on ways of coping witht he kids with him. He'll not be in a frame of mind to try new things witht the kids and implement creative schedules till he gets happier. A week of blowjobs will make any guy happy enough to try harder around the house.

My husband was a full time single parent of three boys for years---with no help from family, friends, neighbors or anyone. He didn't even have child support payments for most of the time.
So those who say men can't do it...that is very sexist. Some individual people of BOTH sex can't do it.

R., I think one idea to try is to ask your husband to keep a journal, and to write all the things he would like like to call/text about in the journal instead. Later, when you are home, you can read the journal and the two of you can discuss ideas to improve things (IF that is what he wants).
Also maybe together you can brainstorm some preventative measures for the things he has the most trouble with during the day. (ie: keep the kids from being cranky by making sure they sleep X hours, help prevent spills by not leaving open containers near the kids, etc.)
If the neighbors are truly willing to help, maybe ask one of them to call HIM, or even drop by (with some cookies, or a dvd as an excuse?) and have a short social visit, and maybe they can help while they are visiting, or offer to pick up some groceries for him---because he may never call them on his own.
Are there any other toddlers in the area? Maybe the 2 yo can go for a playdate and then your husband would have only the baby for a while...

Make sure that you plan for the two of you to have 1:1 time for your marriage in all of this. "Miserable" is a bad thing, and it can lead to other bad things...

Hi R.-
The only advice I can give is marriage counseling- before it gets ugly. This way when things get really tough, both you and your husband can pull out your bag of "tough time tools" and work through it. The counselor can help your husband understand your view, and help you understand the struggle your husband is having.
We get to see all the ugly crankiness because we are the safe zones for our family. No happy face required. But children are ALOT of work, and perhaps your husband didn't realize - or feels ashamed to have to ask for help because he feels he should be able to do this like a rock star. Counseling is not a negative, but a positive. Approach it with your husband as such- tell him for the two of you to be able to sit quietly and discuss this and get someone to help you make some relaly great decisions on how to make this work and relieve stress for both of you - BECAUSE you LOVE HIM- you should both go. Hey, they might even have some great parenting tips for the at home dad.
Don't give up, and remember the more positive you are, the more positive he wil be.
-E.