How Do I Deal with a Daughter in a Unhealthy Friend Relationship?

Unhappy people act badly. :-( I think you should set some very firm boundaries about what is appropriate and what isn't with both your daughter and her friend. Make sure the friend knows that you care about her and want to help her any way you can.

Keep being the positive influence in her life.

1 mom found this helpful

PRAY, I know that sounds like the same churchy advice but stay at it. I've raised 4 children and sometimes that's all I could do. One thing you to remember is that God put you in charge. If you're uncomfortable about the relationship there is good reason. You can limit their time together. Maybe just at your home or during church activities. Is there someone else in your church that could drive her to and from services? In any case, you are the mother and you are placed in charge by God.

Friends are one of the most important things to young girls. If my mom told me I couldn't see my best friend when I was in high school, I would have been devistated then I would have found a way to hang out with her. I know being a Christian you expect your children to act a curtain way but have you ever thought it is just her being a teenage girl. No matter the religion or life style, school or friends all teens go threw a time where they talk back, act mean, disrespect and even get depressed. I hope i am not offeneding you, that is not my intention. Maybe talk with her parent(s) and see what they are feeling and maybe invite them to church. If that doesn't work or they will not come. Maybe start planning family events so there time on the week days or weekends are limited but with a reason. Not just because you don't want them spending the time together. Don't put all the blame on this other girl, your daughter has to held acccountable for her own actions. This is just my view. Good Luck with whatever desicion you make.

Your first priority is your daughter. It would be nice to save this other little girl but NEVER sacrifice your own children.

My heart goes out to you. My oldest is 8, and it's interesting to watch her in her relationships with her friends and her reaction to them. It pushes me to pray very hard for God to put people, peers and adults, in her life that will have a godly influence on her especially when she doesn't want to listen to us any longer. We continually ask God for wisdom and guidance in all of our decisions with our children. Honestly, my gut reaction is that God gave you your daughter to bring up to follow Him and His ways. I believe you have truly given your best effort to expose this friend to God's truths, & you've spoken to her about your concerns. Her lack of response and repentance indicates that you now have to take action on behalf of your daughter and leave her friend in God's very capable hands. He can handle this, I promise. I would encourage you and your daughter to continue praying for this friend, even encourage her to attend church. But she also has to realize there are consequences to her negative attitude/behavior. You may be the one God uses to teach this young girl that concept if she's not getting it from home. I don't claim to know the exact answer here, so I would continually take it before God and seek confirmation of His answers through His word. He is crazy about you and wants to lead you through this. And just think of the lessons He can teach your precious daughter through all of this. After all, even as adults, He sometimes asks us to leave relationships that are not good for us. I will be praying for you and your daughter through this as well. May God richly bless you & your family.
L. W.
(I've been a Christian for 30 years, married for almost 15 years, and a mother of 3.)

Hi. I can't say that I can relate to a preteen. My children are still young but I believe the best thing you can do is PRAY for your daughter and her friend. There is a book called "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian and she wrote 31 chapters on specific prayers for specific concerns. I have to say I am not a "prayer warrior" by any means but this book makes it sooooo easy. There are a couple chapters I would start with. . .Chapter 6 "Honoring Parents and Resisting Rebellion" and Chapter 8 "Attracting Godly Friends and Role Models". The great thing about this book is it gives you the prayers. . .you just insert the child's name and it the prays quote scripture which I believe makes prayer even that more effective.

The next best thing to do is to keep the lines of communication open. Tread lightly w/ your daughter. You don't want to push her away by making her defensive. YOU cannot change her but GOD CAN and that's where PRAYER becomes so IMPORTANT.

You can email me directly if you'd like to talk more ____@____.com. I've been a Christian for about 15 yrs. Married for almost 10 yrs. Mother of a 7, 4, and 2 yr old. I currently am doing a Bible Study on Prayer in my home once a month. (I actually have an extra book if you'd like it)

I have a 12 yr old and we have had many talks with her about what we feel is right and wrong with the attitudes of a certain friend, and how that bad attitutde. We have limited them to see one another. My daughter saw what the other girl was doing, we didnt demand, we suggested that they take a break for a little bit. Also, instead of them hanging out at the other girls house we had the girl at our home to get to know her and also if she said or did something we corrected her politely. But the other girl loves my home and she rather be here than her home. There is always a reason some one acts the way they do at her age.

T. H.

You may want to enlist your daughter in a little bit of social work... as a volunteer mentor.

People have many agendas for their lives and some of them include making it possible for other people to see the shiny happy hidden parts they see in their (uncomfortable) friend choices. That may be what is going on for your daughter.

You may want to have a conversation with your daughter about standards (and why she gets to follow them, regardless of the behaviour choices of her friends), and how she might like to help her friend be more socially-acceptable and more successful in her life by coaching her in this realm. Her friend doesn't need to know it's happening, but it may help your daughter clarify what it is she's hoping to get from the friendship, or what it is she is actually capable of giving.

No one can 'fix' this girl's life, but her friend may have a lot of influence over the choices and habits she's developing.

I do, though, strongly recommend a rigourousness when she's around -- no one speaks to our family like that, no one needs to hear that kind of language, no one needs to know everything you think about anyone else, it is better to develop your own opinions about people rather than making up your mind based on gossip or other people's interpretations -- those kinds of statements have a lot of power.

And, I believe that one of the reasons it's frowned upon for 14yos to have their own apartments is because they still need hands-on guidance from adults who care about them, yeah? That means you need to do some guidance -- out loud, while the friend is present and while she isn't.

I dont have children of my own, but a younger teenage sister- so pls take my advice with a grain of salt...
It seems to me that the most powerful thing you can do is to pray for this girl. My lil sister has had a a lot of "friends" that have been a bad influence, I have in the past as well. It will be a good learning experience to be more selective as you get older to be wise about the friendships you make. Ppl don't reaize what an impact the relationships you make have on your life! Wouldn't it be great if your daughter can be a positive influence on this young girl? Have open dialouge with your child and discuss other things with her too, don't soley focus on this negative child as it will consume you if you allow it. Talk to yours about her dreams, goals, interests, sports, fashion, where does she want to go to college, career choices, short and long term goals, travel opportunities (study abroad options in college)- give her options to see beyond this potentially draining relationship and don't feel obligated to hold dead weight with this child going to church 2x a wk. It is great that you take her, where are her parents in all of this? SHe must be going through some issues herself and doesn't know how to deal with her emotions as most children do not. Teenagers are emotional as it is and must go through many growing pains. You stated this girl was fine at first and after 3 years of knowing her, it may be out of her character. I would love her and in a mother's eyes you see your child, but in the eyes of God children are children and all deserve to have love. But again, you don't want to carry dead weight for too long if things don't change. I know it seems cruel as a christian but the lord is teaching me to be more selfish in a healthy way. You don't want to lose sight of your goals. There is a verse in the bible that alludes to bringing the good and removing the bad. I have so much I want to share with you, but I will pray for you- I am a law student and have midterms this afternoon, but don't forget to excercise the power of prayer!

I had a daughter that was also in an unhealthy relationship, although the ages are quite different she was 19. This guy was not physically abusive, but verbally. I did keep the lines of communication open and let her know that she could talk to me about it if she wanted. Needless to say she did not, but I kept praying for her and in a short time she finally left the guy alone. I am sure with you being a Christian you know that prayer changes things and there is nothing that is too hard for God.

How much of the attitude that you are getting from your daughter is "normal teenage attitude" that you see in both girls? I have 6 children, 2 who are still teens. I would suggest that you continue talking with your daughter about her behavior, continue with whatever discipline is appropriate for the specific occasion. If the friend is not into illegal types of rebellion, let them hang out together as much as you can stand. PLEASE don't stop taking the girl to church. I don't know what her home life is like but your family may be the best influence in her life right now and of course she she still needs God in her life even if it doesn't seem to be helping. If she is willing to go to church, she is not totally shutting down your influence. It may also be helpful to enlist the help of your church's youth leader or perhaps your pastor. Good luck!

Your dealing with priority one and two of our lives...God and family. We took friends to church like you are doing, but I found it helpful to set the expectation that when they were with me, this is how you act. It was difficult and tested my patients, but now the whole family is involved in the church. That being said, I work hard to focus my daughter towards friends that will have a positive influence on her as well. She needs to know that somethings that are said and done are not okay with you and the values you have. Keep praying!

You are doing a wonderful thing by exposing this girlfriend to church. Maybe being around you and your daughter is the only positivy she receives. If I were in that situation I would sit down with the girl and your daughter and have a heart to heart. Tell her straight out how you are feeling about her attitude (maybe her parent's treat her this way). Tell her you would love to keep taking her to church on Sunday's and Wednesday but you just can't allow your daughter to hang out with her much anywhere else because it is effecting your daughters attitude poorly. If the talk with the friend doesn't help over time then I guess your daughters attitude is more important.

Your daughter is your number 1 priority. I would still take this friend to church with you, but not let your daughter and her do any other social activities than that. Try to encourage your daughter start hanging out with other groups of girls that you approve of. If that doesn't work then reach out to other people in your congregation to see if they would help you to minister to this young girl.