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How Do I Confront My Husband About His Inappropriate Emails with Another Woman?

My husband has had problems in the past of emailing/texting/IMing with other women, and the conversations are usually sexual (most of the time, they're with women who he knew before we met, not total strangers). The last time around, I found out about the texting and I wrote an email to the other woman, letting her know I knew and that it was highly inappropriate. She responded about how sorry she was, said she wouldn't talk to DH again, and subsequently deleted my husband as her friend (this was on Facebook). I told my husband I had emailed her, and while he regretted that they were no longer "Facebook friends", he seemed okay and sorrowful that he had hurt me. Anyway, now we're about a month later, and I found out they've been messaging each other on Facebook again. In these messages, they've decided not to become friends on Facebook again because I would see that on my profile, not to text each other because DH knows I look at the cell phone records, and that they're going to keep it all secret. The messages this time aren't incredibly inappropriate (though there has been some flirting, mostly--and I hate saying this--on my husband's side), but the fact that they've agreed to keep it a secret from me is what hurts the most. How do I talk to my husband about this? He'll know I went behind his back and looked in his emails and Facebook account. Part of me feels guilty for spying on him, but another part feels justified because he has betrayed my trust before, and I wonder if he even deserves to have privacy anymore when these are the kinds of things he does while I'm away at work (I work to put him through school--he stays home with our son all day) or late at night after I've gone to bed. Please, any advice, sympathy, etc. would be much appreciated!

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone that responded. I received a great many more responses than I was ever hoping for. I really appreciate all of your support, sympathy, and advice. Things are going to be rough, but it'll turn out okay. I sent an email to that other woman and told her to leave my husband alone (she responded by apologizing and vowing never to talk to him again), and DH actually confessed to me about it before I got the chance to bring it up. He told me he deleted his Facebook account and the email address he had used to talk to other women, so now that other woman has no way to contact him anyway. We're also going to see our bishop. We previously went to counseling and that helped a lot, but we can't afford it anymore, so hopefully seeing our religious leader will be the next best thing. I told him he needs to be faithful or it's over, and he said he's willing to do all he can to keep me by his side. We do have a wonderful marriage--there's really no neglect or absence of showing love by either side. I hope and pray that things will improve and we will be happier than we ever were. Thanks again for all of your help. :-)

Featured Answers

Actions speak louder then words. He has repeated his actions. He is accoutable for his actions and should be held accoutable.
It does not matter who the other person is-

PP mentioned conusling would be the best option to move forward.

More Answers

Your husband has a decision to make and the sooner the better! Is he or is he not prepared to honor his marriage vows and cleave only to his wife? The decision to be faithful to your wife does NOT depend on how she dresses, her income, does she act sexy or any other foolish thing. It is a very simple character/maturity issue and you deserve a very simple, straight forward and honest answer to your question. If he does want to be faithful then he ceases ALL communication with the other women immediately and gets in touch with a pastor or counselor for accountablility. If he is not prepared to spend the rest of his life being faithful to ONLY you, then at least you have the truth to base your decision on and you found out early on in your marriage before wasting years on a man who refuses to honor you as his wife and will be setting a bad example for your son. Find an older couple with a long and happy marriage and ask for some support and help. You do deserve a faithful husband! Hopefully, he wants that too and just needs to be set straight. Don't back down or settle for anything less than complete fidelity or your marriage will always remain an unhappy one.

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You have lots of other responses already, but I feel its important to respond. You get to know that this is not the behaviour of a monogomous man. He is enjoying the flirt, the excitement, whatever. If your beliefs are such that that his behaviour is inappropriate for a married man then you get to stand up for yourself and go see a great life coach. Find someone who can assist you in finding your inner strength and who can help you move a lot of that emotional energy that is in your system. Girl - you are worth being adored, honored, loved and cherished - not cheated on. If your husband is willing to do a lot of inner work on himself, then you have a chance of having a marriage that is satisfying, uplifting and even magical. Otherwise it will be more of the same.
Lots of love and support!

1 mom found this helpful

I'm sorry, C., but he's cheating on you. I'm divorcing my husband right now after almost 20 years for the same thing... and it's happened on and off throughout those 20 years. I would confront him, he would stop, and later it would start up again with the same person. You have to decide whether you're willing to put up with it or confront him. I would guess that he needs counseling. My husband has self-esteem issues and needs outside validation that he's wanted, good enough, etc. Know that your husband may put the blame on you - if we had more sex, if you paid more attention to me, if you had more time for me, you're always tired, if if if if. Unfortunately, I have 3 friends also going through this. The internet makes this behavior easier to do and easier to get away with. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Consider marriage counseling as well. You're right - he'll likely be mad that you went behind his back, but remind him that HE was the one doing it, not you. HE made the choice to sneak, you were protecting yourself, your son, and your family by following up on your suspicions. Tell him that you want to make this work (assuming you do) and that means figuring out why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck. Email me if you need to talk.

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I haven't read the other responses, but as a divorced woman partially for this very reason above I say it is time to confront him one on one when your son is in bed and ask him what compels him to do this. Ask how he would feel if you were doing this? It is cheating, it is being sneaky and it isn't a way to continue a healthy marriage.
He has choices here, he can go to counselling with you, delete all his facebook friends, stay off the computer and work on your marriage, or he can think what he is doing is okay but think about what it would be like to be a bachelor and doing it alone.
It is not okay. You have to feel like you can trust him. You shouldn't have to "spy" on anyone that you are in a relationship with! Ever!
My ex got into a relationship via online and cellphone with a old high school girlfriend from high school, I was led to believe it was innocent, just hashing the past type thing, turns out he still loved her and she was ending her marriage so they wanted to reconnect. She lived 1,000 miles away and guess what? He left me and my children to try and see if the old feelings meant anything and he could live out his fantasy!
It didn't work out, she went back to her husband but our marriage was beyond repair and he still lives in another state and on his 5th relationship since leaving us three years ago.
My point being, you cannot change him or force him to do something but you do have the right to give him ultimatiums and not tolerate deception at any level.
It isn't okay and if you were the one to be doing it I am sure he would feel like you do.
Trust is essential to a good marriage, once that fails then there is little you can do if the other isn't willing to do everything in their power to earn it back.
My ex didn't care to go to counselling, which I guess is fine, he has met everyone he has dated online, so it is a dangerous habit and pattern.
Hang tough, set yourself down and write down what you need and talk to him. You teach people how to treat you and if you tolerate it, you are letting him do this as much as it is his choice.
He must respect you and earn your trust back! Hang in there hun! I hope it works out that he gets his act together!

1 mom found this helpful

First I have to say that what your husband is doing is disgusting, and immature. I'm only 31 and I don't understand the whole Facebook, texting, IMing thing. I think that kind of thing should be left out of marriages. It's teenage stuff. As horrible a thing it is that your husband is having any type of relationship with other women, I have to ask, how are you contributing to the problems in your marriage? What are you not giving him that he is seeking in other women? Are you bitchy or naggy when you come home from work, or do you come home with a smile on your face, kiss and hug him, and enjoy the evening with him? Do you praise him for taking care of your baby and the home? Think about it from that perspective. If you were the one home taking care of your son, how would want your husband to behave when he came home from work? Unless you married a complete jerk,(and you would have known that while dating him before you made an innocent child with him)men don't generally go looking for other women unless the woman they have at home isn't taking care of him. I know you will get defensive about this, but you really have to look at yourself and determine what you aren't giving him. Once you figure that out, start changing your behavior and give him a reason to only want you. Being that he is home all day, he has a lot of time to spend on other women, and he could possibly be taking your son with him when he wants to see those other women. I would get rid of the internet, or change all of the passwords so that he can't use it for the reasons he is. Here's the thing...you have a child together, and it is in your child's best interest that he has his mom and dad under the same roof for the next 17 yrs. That is going to take work. I don't mean to spend the next 17 yrs hating your husband and giving him reasons to have affairs. I mean, change yourself, be a good, nice, loving, sexy, giving wife, and unless he is an idiot, he will stop this behavior and focus on you and raising your son together. You really don't want your son growing up thinking that this is how a REAL MAN behaves. If all of what I suggested fails, meaning that you give all you have to changing your behavior, and he still insists one having affairs, chalk it up to you screwed up in picking a husband and father for your son, and move in with your parents. At least then your son would see how married people are supposed to behave. He would have stability and a good role model (grandma and grandpa) to be able to be a good husband and father when he grows up. That is the whole point in raising children. You are supposed to give them the tools they need to become respectable, compassionate, successful, kind adults. Also, please don't have anymore kids with this guy unless you are 5 yrs down the road and he has spent those 5 yrs being your husband(not looking for other women) and a good father to the one child you already have. Marriage is work, and if you aren't putting all you have into being a good wife, he isn't going to put all he has into being a good husband.

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I am sorry you are going through this, but please don't take Kate's advice. You are not doing anything wrong... We all have bad days and things and that does not give your husband the right to be emotionally unfaithful. I do think you need to talk to him and if you can't work things out that's fine, but nobody deserves to be treated that way. Good Luck

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hi, C.,
there is a wonderful book on this subject called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Emotional intimacy can be just as much a betrayal as physical intimacy. It sounds like you and your husband need to talk about what is going on and why he is looking for emotional intimacy outside of the marriage. You may need professional help for that discussion.

I do want to be very very clear - though he may feel you are not giving him something he needs, the affair is NOT your fault (I'm a marriage and family therapist, by the way). He is the one deciding to break your marriage vows, instead of working things out with you. So ask him to work with you to improve things, instead of letting things go bad. Use a therapist, or clergy or whatever type of program helps the two of you. You can find lots of resources at www.smartmarriages.com .

take care,

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You need to be brave for yourself and your little one. My husband had a problem with pornography and tried to keep this a secret from me for two years. Know that you did nothing wrong. Stay calm and focused when you talk to him about what is going on. If he is willing to stop this and wants to be fully devoted to you there are things you can do to protect your marriage. You can both have access to each others email, and you can promise to not be alone ever with a friend of the opposite sex. Know that if someone really wants to do something they can go to amazing lengths to keep a secret. He is your husband and should have no remorse over the friendship with this other woman or her feelings. You are the priority. Don't be afraid to ask for things if the goal is to protect your marriage. Jealousy is not the problem here, but inappropriate relationships, online or in real life can be damaging to a marriage.

You are in my thought and prayers. Have faith and be direct.

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I want to be as honest as possible. My father-in-law decided that he was going to get a cell phone, and he purposely has the bill sent to his work place so my Mother-in-law did not find out. We found out that the phone was shared with a "friend" who was a woman. This was the start of a snowball running down hill. He fell in love with this woman, who was at first "just a friend" and left his wife for her then it gets really complicated from there. My in-laws were married for 27 years and because of "innocent" talking a lot happened.

It is a problem right now in your marriage, not saying it is a huge one, but it can very quickly turn into a huge problem. No one wakes up one morning and says I am going to get a divorce, it starts somewhere. I am happy that you have caught this. (My mother-in-law didn't know what was going on until after the divorce) now you can fight to get your husband back to where he belongs.

Also, you know what she is saying to him right? Don't nag your husband, it will drive him away. Fight for him, be the best loving wife you can be, shower him with love. If you become the sexy fun wife then he won't be talking to a woman who gives that need.

I might be jumping to far forward on this, but like I said previously, it can quickly become something bigger. Take care and be blessed.


Dear C. A.,
I am so sorry that you are having this problem with your husband. I hope you realize that he is cheating on you and that you have every reason to be upset, angry, and torn inside. You not only have the right to invade his privacy, you must. He has forfetted all trust and priveleges (His privacy) in this marriage. He has broken his vows to you. This is a marriage breaker!! He knows that it is wrong and has gone to sneaking around. You must confront him immediately with a consequence attached. I would require a separation with a requirment of marriage counseling before he can return. You will know very quickly if he truly loves you and is invested in your marriage. He will want to anything to make it right. Do not take the quick fix either. He needs to be out for at least 6mo. to a year. You must know with certainty that he has changed for good before you re-unite. Don't be anyones 'door mat', that is anything but a marriage and will lead to a lose of self- respect and depression. Cheering for you!!!!
S. H.

check out marriagebuilders.com
and also--if the other lady is married, contact her husband and let her know of the content of the emails and contact. That you asked his wife to stop and she has continued. Exposure is best. Yes tell his best friends, his parents, siblings anyone who might be able to get through to him that what he is doing is innapropriate. Yes he will get mad but before anything else can happen to save the marriage the behavior has to stop.

Good luck with everything, I hope that you and your husband can work things out and get back to a point where you can trust him again. I noticed that you said that you can not afford couseling, what about LDS Social services? They offer free counseling. Many couselors also offer a sliding scale so you do not have to pay as much as someone who makes 200,00 a year.

A friend of mine whom I met through an in-law. Well she was saying inappropriate thing to my husband and to me about my husband. I told my hunsbad what she was saying and he agreed that it as wrong. Much later she came to visit she was extremely inappropriate with my husband around me and our son. We no longer speak, I am not upset.
Talk to him if he denies it show him what you found and tell him you want to trust him but here's proof why you can't.
Good Luck!

I see that you have alot of advise and I just want to let you know you are not alone. My husband flirted at work with a coworker and sent texts ( thought none were inappropiate) but the point is that it led to one thing....an affair. I will be 6 years come January and we are still together and he is a totally different person. But he had to decide to change. I finally decided that I was worth more than being his wife to complain about. I kicked him out when I finally realized I deserved more and I could get more. He has worked really hard to gain my trust, though I am still haunted with feelings of low self worth and fear. But don't let him treat you like this, there are too many good guys out there and you deserve more. Just my two cents, hope you work it out for what is Best for YOU.

Hi C.,

I am so sorry you are hurting and that your husband is cheating. I don't think talking to your husband about it or monitoring him will help at all because he wants to flirt and he wants to hide it from you.

If you want to keep your marriage together and if you want to see if your husband's heart can change towards you, I would recommend reading, "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin. It is a very, very unpopular book now but it has saved my marriage! It teaches women how men think, why they cheat, why they are cruel or lie to women, and how to get your husband to absolutely worship the ground you walk on and desire no other women. It sounds too good to be true, but I have been reading it and trying what she says, and it has had immediate, huge results in my marriage.

Try to read it with an open mind, because it is very traditional and a lot of the ideas made me mad, but they are still true.

For example, she says women should not work and men should be the providers because men have an inherent, biological desire to provide and protect for a feminine woman, and they lose this desire if they think that their wife doesn't need them financially or in any traditional masculine way. Second, she says that men will cheat with any woman that admires them. It is not about sex or what the other woman looks like. It is about being with a woman that admires their masculinity. She could be the ugliest woman, but if she seems dependent and feminine and charming and girlish, and if she admires him as a man, and if he wife is independent, he will go towards the admiration and the neediness, always.

I just think this may be the best way to go, because you can't change your husband's heart by confronting him. If you try everything in the book and your husband is still cheating, then you should leave him.

Best wishes!


I don't have any advice, just that I think Susan is right. I just want you to know that I read your request and that I feel for you.
I guess I do have advice...I think every marriage can benefit from counseling. You need to be compassionate and forgiving, but also stand up for yourself and make the boundaries clear.
In some situations of our marriage all my husband needed was the therapist to tell him he was wrong, actually I think he knew he was wrong when he was explaining himself to the therapist.
This is becoming much longer than I thought it would be, I think you've gotten good advice, I just want you to know that I I am sad for you.
Good luck!

Marriage counseling is such a great thing to help couples be able to "talk" to each other again. He might feel like he needs a "friend" but that talking leads to other things. He should be "talking" to you. He should be sharing HIS life with YOU. Maybe he needs to find a job too to help he stay busier. He might be worth it to put your son in daycare??? I would discuss your options with him and give him some ultimatums if you have to.

Actions speak louder then words. He has repeated his actions. He is accoutable for his actions and should be held accoutable.
It does not matter who the other person is-

PP mentioned conusling would be the best option to move forward.

Having an emotional relationship with someone else when you are married is cheating! Even if there is no sex involved because it is straying from the marrital bond that the two of you share. That said, there is something misssing in the marrage that he is not getting from you and that is why he feels he need this connection with this other woman. I would suggest that you talk to him about how he feels the marriage is going and what needs to happen to make it better. Counciling can help the two of you communicate better if you don't feel like you can do it alone. You need to find ways to reconnect as a couple and make things exciting again. There is a website that I find very helpful. It is www.toolstolife.com. On this sight you work with a life coach to help you work through issues you are going through. I think if you and your husband both sign up and work through you issues it will truely help your marriage. The tools to life website is free. I have used it myself and have heard possitive feedback from others. Good luck, I know this is a hard thing to deal with but hang in there. Stephanie L

Hi C.,
Wow, a lot of responses. You have many good ideas and I would just add that you are in a better place than many women that may run into this situation as you are financially able to hold to your decision, make that decision based on what is best for you and your son. Many women could not even threaten leaving because they are completely dependent on their husbands for financial support of the family. I think the women that say this will only get worse are correct. My husband always felt that if he didn't tell me about communications he was having with ex girl friends then he wasn't lying. It is lying by omission and it is deceitful and it will only get worse. If he doesn't understand this and can't connect with why it makes you feel bad then you need to look at what is important to you and your future. Again, you have the financial security that many do not have. What ever you decide make sure it is something you can follow through with. Good luck, continue to have respect for yourself and do not let him make you feel you are out of line in this. He is.

Sympathy is exactly what you are getting from me. This is a hurtful situation and one you have handled much more gracefully than I wold have. I read a survey one time that women were more likely to forgive a sexual affair than a intimate "friendship" affair. The fact your husband is able to give that affection to another other than you is WRONG. I dont care how "innocent" he feels it is.

Now, it is time for you to stop looking for sympathy and take a stand. I beleive there are respectful and loving ways to do that, but this has to end. End now. End purposefully. You may have to have a difficult conversation and learn what your husband is not getting from you he feels he is getting from her. (I am not saying this is an EXCUSE for him, he is WRONG). Please do not be naive and think this will end with flirtation. It will escalate. I am certain if the roles were reversed he would be equally devasted. (Do not go out and play tit for tat.)

I had a friend in a similar situation. Her best friend's husband actually called her husband and said: "look, you keep foolin around and you will wake up divorced one day." He, thank God, got the message. You need to talk to your father, a pastor, or counselor on good tools to deal with this.

My personal strategy, which I would not neccissarily reccomend: I would pack up, move me and my little one to a family members house and let my husband know that when he is ready to honor his vows and work on OUR relationship, I would be back. This says, I love you but respect myself too much to be treated this poorly. Just my two cents, humble as it never is.

I wish you the best and pray he pulls his head out. What is wrong with a woman who wants another womans man anyway? She is pathetic. Ugh.

After re-reading your post, I want to add. Stop supporting him! That is his job. If he can take your support and cheat on you, he has to have a line drawn and quickly. He needs the opportunity to be a MAN. So, no more tuition, he is taking advantage and needs a really loud alarm clock to go off in his head. Bless you!


I have gone through this same situation with my husband just a few short months ago. My husbands ex-wife was the one with whom he was messaging and speaking to when I was not around. I told him to put himself in my shoes and how would he feel if I was talking to some old boyfriend. He ofcourse said that he wouldn't be upset at all since I have no contact with any of my old boyfriends. I'll just go straight to the solution that we used. I told him it was inappropriate to be texting with her and speaking to her now that we are married (we had just celebrated our 12th anniversary a month earlier). I told him that she was expecting more out of the situation than he was realizing. He asked me what I wanted him to do about it and I told him to break it off completely. He did and I told him that he SHOULDN'T be upset with me for checking things out. Obviously he had given me a reason to have to. Luckily we had just been in marriage counseling so we were able to really talk about the situation. He told me that he felt the reason he was in contact with her was because she was giving him some attention during times when I wasn't (we have 4 kids 10, 9, 5, & 3) and that he felt like we weren't spending time out of the house with just the 2 of us. Jump forward to about a month later. He called me up (he travels out of town for work for 2 days at a time) and told me that he had this huge feeling like he needed to call his ex. He didn't know why but his gut was really telling him this and would it be okay if he called her. I told him if his guts talking to him he needed to call. About 30 minutes later he called me back and said that he now understood what I had been saying. She had gotten back together with her husband after mine had told her they couldn't talk anymore. If you would like to hear the whole story, just email me and we can exchange info! Hope I helped!!! ____@____.com Good Luck!! M.

Sounds like he's the type to go around your back with more than just emails.

I do believe that men and women can be friends without any sexual tones to it. This doesn't sound so innocent.

I would have so much trouble trusting him, I'd leave. Blunt but true.

My ex lied all the time. I couldn't handle it and after 12 years of marriage, I ended it.

Maybe counciling will help. I didn't abandon my marriage lightly. Any decision you make must be well thought out.

Hi C.;
I have read all these suggestions and I do understand many of them. I have a husband, who I love dearly, but early on made some bad choices and did some inapportiate emails. I spoke to my minister at my church and we decided to hold him accountable to other men. I think that bringing a pastor or counselor into the equation is one great way to go. Does he have any male friends that are honorable men that would hold him accountable? Share your feelings with him with honesty and let him know that he has broken your trust. Does he really want to share a marriage and children with you. These types of communication with other women is dangerous. If it was on the apporiate level then he could be honest with you. Can he tell you that he is talking to this other women for work or as a friend, without confrontation. Probably not which is a big red flag! Anything that is a secret is not a good marriage. Please seek some help and know that you are not alone.

This is a really tough situation. I didn't trust my now ex husband either. He had emails and pictures of ex girlfriends, continued calling them, and he also knew how much it hurt me. I tried pushing my jealousy aside and my hurt feelings aside. I really REALLY tried to trust him. Tried to make it work, for our kids' sake. At the time our boys were 3 and not quite a year. He left for an out of town business trip for a couple months. When he came home for Christmas, he was hiding something. I didn't know what it was but something was different. He was cheating on me and had already proposed to the other girl. I had no idea! And that was it-I could never trust him again! So I knew it was right to divorce him. In my opinion, if he is doing it know, what else is there that you don't know about? And if he thinks it is ok now, what would make him stop? You don't know with whom else this is going on with, and he probably won't stop. I am so sad that you are feeling that same heartache that I felt. It is really hard to know what to do. It is really hard to make your decision, as you can't wait for him to change or make a choice between this other woman and you. You have to make your choice. you will either put up with it and be miserable, like I did. Or you will recognize that that is not normal in a relationship and he is betraying you. And you will make the hardest decision of your life, do you stay or do you go? I hope things will turn out for the best for you. My heart goes out to you, because I feel your pain! I have been there and done that! Oh- and pray! Pray that you will make the right choice! God bless you!


You are not his Mother, you are his WIFE. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to police his activities. It's obvious that you do not trust him. It is obvious that he doesn't deserve your trust at this point. Anything kept "secret" that is potentially harmful or hurtful is not OK. You should not have to live that way. I would say marriage counseling and to heck with the other woman, you confront your husband and let him know that you know and you want it to stop. Cheating isn't just sleeping with someone. It is any explicit, ongoing relationship that affects your marriage in a negative way. I wish you luck and happiness.

My dear, you are between a rock and a hard place. Your husband's behavior is beyond contempt. Here you are, working to put him through school and he is home having an "affair" on the internet. I know this sounds cruel, but I would dump him in a minute. the only way I wouldn't is if he would agree to go to counseling and really meant it. It doesn't sound to me like he is repentant at all, so counseling may not work. I really say, And I know this is horrible for you to think of, kick him out, or if you have to , leave yourself, with your kids. this behavior is deplorable!

Hi C.,

I know that this is a few days later, but I showed this to my husband and he wanted me to share this with you.

"Since this isn't the first time he has engaged in this completely inappropriate behavior, There are products that you can install on your computer, his computer, all of your computers that will either block certain sites, or monitor IM, Chatting, programs and then you can program it to be sent to you or in a log that you can check when ever you want. If he is really wiling to "do whatever it takes" then he should have no problem installing these. If he doesn't for WHATEVER reason, he is still hiding something. Also, Be prepared for the fact that he may have already "jumped the fence".

We use BSAFE at our house. This program blocks all inapprop. forwars with sexual content, language, pictures. all kinds of stuff. You get to set the paramaters. We don't want to see that stuff and we definately don't want our boys to be "exposed" to any of it either!

Accountablity is important after a breech of trust.

Keep eyes and ears wide open. Good luck.

Okay, there is something really wrong. If he KNOWS that you were hurt, and he's found another way to maintain this relationship he has with this other woman in a way that he thinks you won't know about, then you've got a big problem. If he hasn't cheated physically yet, he is probably about to. You are supporting him, you said? I'd watch that. Are you sure he's not just using you? Once he has what he wants....he may very well leave.

The fact that he is continuing this relationship shows a BIG problem, and the fact that he reconnected secretly is the biggest red flag you can get. You need to confront him and either you guys need to go to couple's therapy, or you need to deal with it another way. I understand you not wanting to break up your marriage, but you need to be wary of him turning around and doing the same thing....that may already be his intention, and these clues are clear indications of that.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through a situation like this, and I wish you the best of luck...but NO woman deserves to be disrespected like that!

I see that you have gotten lots of advice, but I will tell you what I would do because it's a little bit different. I would print out all of the e-mails between him and the other woman. I would spread it all out on the computer desk where he will see it the minute he sits down and write a note on top that says: "Is it worth your marriage?" I think that would shock him into thinking about exactly what he is doing, and then you guys can have an in-depth conversation about it. I would also e-mail the conversations to the other woman's husband. After that, I think I would go to marriage counseling. Anyway, hope that helps. Take care and good luck to you.

Hi C.,
I have recently been in the same situation. Pregnant with my first and my husband was sending inappropriate e-mails and text messages-he swares it was never physical. It has been a rough time for me. I'm still learning to deal with it. I too found comfort in the messages people wrote me when I blogged this. A few days after I wrote a similar response to everyone as you have. But for me insecurities crept back and it hasn't been easy. We are making it work. Confronting what caused it-there were things on both sides that we are working on together. I want it to work-I love my husband dearly as you do yours. But I wanted to let you know that it probably won't be easy but you can get through it. I, however have not been able to not snoop-I still have trust issues and a lack of confidence in my husbands love for me which I never for a second had prior to this experience. I feel bad snooping b/c my husband sounds so sincere in his regret but I have to put myself and my baby first and he was the one who made the mistake and I feel justified in doing what I have to to help myself feel more comfortable and begin to trust again. We haven't gone to therapy but I think it is great that you are. Good luck. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and that it is okay if takes a while to get over it-it is a very tramatic thing to happen in a marriage. It broke my heart and I'm slowly piecing it back together. But I have faith that it can be done.

It's terrible to 'hear' about things of this nature, C.. I've never been in a situation like yours, I can't commiserate with you. What immediately came to mind though when I read your post is this:
Don't make threats you don't intend to, or can't, follow through with.
While everyone has a certain right to privacy, when another person takes advantage as you describe your husband doing, boundaries must be set and stuck to. Remember that your husband is an adult, not a child to be 'spyed' on and reprimanded. Understand, also, that anything you choose to do will affect your child.
You're doing a good job mommin', and taking care of your family.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this! All I can say that if I were in your shoes I'd tell him he has a choice, either stop *flirting* with other women and be the husband he should be, or he can get out. You don't need to put up with that and your son doesn't need to see it either. If he grows up watching his dad treat his mom with no respect then why should he show women respect when he grows up? Know what I mean? I know it won't be easy, and it will be painful but I think it would be the best option if he refuses to stop the behavior.
Hope this helps

Umm, I hate to say this, but why are you still with this man? If it were me, I'd have ended the relationship with the first round of sexual e-mails. He's being unfaithful to you, and sooner or later you're going to have to face that fact. Find someone who will value you!!

Go read Proverbs 20:6. I feel like you are wasting your time on him, unless he treats you better than the trash he corresponds with, and that is his personality to flirt with everyone. Even then there are appropriate types of flirting and inappropriate types.

I would just tell him.... I was curious and the search got the best of me but it does not excuse the sneeking. It is wrong and you need to figure out together what the missing link is between the twoof you but make sure he knows you are hurt and dissapointed in him and she needs to get ot of the picture completely or it could cause severe damge to your relationship...

I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship status,although I am somewhat going through the same thing.My spouse and I have been together for 8 years.And I'm completely devoted to him,all his needs,and still he talks to women on his cell phone.He really don't try to hide it.Although sometimes he does.I have got certain feelings at times,and went through his text messages.And it was heartbreaking to see what I had seen. Sexually explicit,and some weren't.He knows that it breaks my heart that he even has a friendship between these women.And I don't know if it is because he don't want to huirt her feelings,or what?But I can't see him choosing to hurt me over that other wench????I'm at a crossroad....He's my world.But I refuse to be hurt time and time again,when it can be stopped by his actions.I know he loves me,but I don't think it's enough at times....We have 2 children together,and that would break their heart if they even had a clue the pain that I endure from him....

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