How Do I Balance Everything from Work to Home to Family?

Here is the thing K., you can't handle it all - as a working mom, a single mom and a married mom, it is always a balancing act and anyone says you can do it all, all of the time is simply not being truthful. Do the best you can, realize that when you work a lot, home will suffer and when you focus on your home/child, work will suffer. What you put your attention on grows - so just grow what you can, when you can and give yourself a break - and a few naps!!
L.

Hi K.!

You can't hope to balance everything. You don't need to. You have to work, yes. You have to be a mommy and a wife, yes. You dont' have to stress about anything else that doesn't get done on a "Schedule". It will be there waiting when you get your family and work time in. Also, take the extra few minutes to make a Honey Do list for your husband. It can save you Hours if you let him help. I know that it is hard to let go of the reigns and let the husbands do things. I had trouble with that too. I didn't like the way he folded towels and so I didn't let him do it and it just created more work for me to do. I realized that it didn't matter how the towels were folded when I didn't have the time I needed to make him feel needed and respected. Which is more important to you? There were other things that I have just learned to get past and appreciate that I have a husband that will help me do things even if he does them different. At least they are done. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Enjoy your baby and let the dust gather on the mantle a while. You'll feel better, unless you're allergic to dust!

Hi K....it's disturbing to me that you've decided that your personal time is gone...if you don't take time for yourself, what is your incentive really for managing your time well?...and what energy will you have to bring to it?...I know you feel like you're spinning your wheels, never really accomplishing anything as you would like...but you've got to reassess this...50% isn't bad; in fact, 2 out of 3 should be your goal now, not 100%; that's unrealistic and eventually detrimental, I believe...how to explain, hmm?...years ago when I was attending college full-time while my son was chronically ill, I handed in a term paper 4 days late. I should've scored 60% at best, so I was dumbstruck when my professor returned it with an "A-" circled in red at the top. She simply replied, "You're the only one who followed instructions"...then turned and added "and your plate is too full"...ah-ha...and that's what I'm telling you now...commend yourself for what you are doing; that's real...the rest is pure imagination...I've taught my children the difference between doing a job and doing a good job..."Empty the trash" means bag it, toss it, line it...if I add "Do a good job" that means you should also spray it, scrub if necessary, sun it, and sprinkle with baking soda...you see, if you do a "good job" once in a while, you shouldn't feel guilty the rest of the time...you can apply this to everything...know when to reply to an email with "LOL" or "Wow, incredible!" and when to reply with a perfectly composed paragraph of 5 to 9 sentences...a ratio of 100:1 seems about right, considering you have an infant...and I wouldn't reply to forwards at all; they're intended for your entertainment like the Sunday comics; read them or not...and who cares if your infant is sporting onesies all summer long...my friend was so concerned that her daughter wear a matching hat with every outfit that now the tops of her ears curl down (yeap, cauliflower ears)...so save it for the portraits and special outings and strive instead for comfort and cleanliness...balancing work and home is hard...never take on anything at work that will significantly disrupt your family life on a regular basis or for a lengthy period of time...don't fall into the trap of being the go-to-guy at work...it rarely pans out in my experience...give others a chance to come through in a crisis...or "multitask" as you put it...never say "Yes" right away...it's a symptom of "the disease to please"...you should fully recover from it sometime in your mid-thirties, I suspect...until then, I would beg you not to fixate on your perceived shortcomings and rob your family of your very essence...recognize the difference between your actual duties and perceived ones...for example, my mother prepared supper every evening; that was her duty...it was my father's duty to prepare breakfast every morning, but he was regularly defeated by the task if there wasn't a box of Apple Jacks or Fruit Loops available...so oftentimes, my mother would awake in the nick of time to throw cinnamon buns in the oven and stuff them in a ziploc bag before the school bus arrived...needless to say, I was the envy of every child aboard Bus 18 and never had trouble finding a seat on those days...you see, that was one of her gifts to me that I will never forget, even though she considered it as a failure on her part...as far as I was concerned, she saved the day, and I was always impressed with how she could rise to the occasion...to further illustrate, the evening before my first day of high school I decided that I needed a white skirt to match the new shirt that my mother had bought for me...we couldn't afford much, so my father responded, "Jeans match everything"...not so, my mother realized, and replied, "Wait, I've got an idea"...and before you knew it, she threw a white sheet on the sewing machine and I had a new skirt...just like that, lickety-split!...I still remember how she taught me to insert the zipper, should I ever need to know...so my point is maybe, just maybe, you're not just "putting out fires"...maybe you're "rising to the occasion" instead...my children appreciate that they can count on me in a pinch...and likewise, they know that when I say "make it happen" I expect them to do so...Life goes on whether you're prepared or not...I'm sure you're making lovely memories for your family, a little each day, that you'll never fully realize; so don't be so hard on yourself, eh?

Oh K.; sit down and b-r-e-a-t-h-e. I'm a mother of a 9 month old little girl and am 41. This is my first child and although I knew things would be overwhelming; I did not realize exactly how overwhelming they would be. My boyfried is a great but is not clued into everything that needs to be done nor all that I do. I am one person; just as you are and a great multi-tasker. However, I can only do so much and there is much that does not get done. Trying to tell my boyfriend things that need to be done leaves me constantly frustrated because he feels when I "continually" ask him to do the same thing more than once, it's considered nagging and he will not do it because I continually ask for things to be done. So, I either do it myself or it doesn't get done. You're a step ahead because you have someone who is willing to help you. Take a minute, one day a week, and make that list of things that need to be done. Post it somewhere that you and husband go by it everyday and as things get done, mark it off the list. That way you both know what needs to be done that week and can actually see the progess as things get marked off. Let him go to the store for groceries and take on some of the things, we as women, think only we can do. It's hard to adjust but slowly and surely, it gets better.

Good luck!

Hi K.,

First and foremost, find a way to give yourself back your personal time. That is so important because a happy woman makes a better wife and mother. Second, remember that there isn't anyone in the world who is perfect, but there are many people who pretend to be. So, being a member of the really real world know and understand that you can't do everything and even if you could it wouldn't all be perfect. The things you can let go of and allow to be done not exactly the way you like; let go of and delegate to your husband. Letting go of the outcome is very important so if it is something that makes you crazy, do it yourself. I am a lot older than you are and I can tell you that if I could do it again,I would spend less time trying to be perfect and much more time loving and being loved and enjoying the incredible gifts that are found with a family. Take care and remember that you are totally acceptable and valuable just the way you are whether you get everything done or not. Give the best of who you are to those you love the most.

Bobbi

I found a website that has really helped me. It is http://www.flylady.net/ The FLY stands for finally loving yourself. One of the things that the flylady really stresses is that you can do anything for 15 minutes. The things I am learning from this website are helping me to feel better not only about my house but also about myself as I declutter and get organized.

K., It seemed as though I was reading my own thoughts! I am going through the same thing right now - even down to having a dog! My son is 5 months old and I'm just doing the best I can organizing where I can. My hubby is a huge help and I am very open with him on how I feel and what I need help with. I have no personal time really and my house is never as clean as I'd like it to be, but I'm trying to work on that. Some days I feel like life is just a blur and I'm trying to keep up with the clock and not miss a moment of my son's life too! It's hard, and I really don't have great advice since I'm in the same boat. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. If you find some "me" time and want to vent more - feel free to email me!

We all have some of the same things happening. I found help by going to flylady.com. I have found that I can do anything in 15 min. time space. Good luck!

Rome wasn't built in a day!
You have to put what is most important first. Include your husband. You shouldn't have to ask him to do things, he is just as much a part of this as you and he should know his responsibilities. If he doesn't do them then they don't get done. (This may take a while but worth it.)
You have to learn to let some things go. If the house isn't perfectly clean, laundry done, beds made, etc., who is it really going to hurt. Learn to fix dinner in double and freeze one or stick something in a crock-pot that is ready when you get home.
You can make it happen, just don't stress over the small stuff!!

K.,

Your husband sounds like a very caring person. How lucky for you to have that! You may want to write him a letter, giving both you and your husband time to process your thoughts and avoid getting on the defensive. Let him know how much you appreciate his willingness to help. Also clearly state the things that he needs to take care of from this point on. No more weekly to-do lists. Tell him that without you asking, because you don't want to come off as a nag, you need him to take out the trash, put his clothes in the laundry, change the sheets on Sunday, etc.

Other things that come on an occasional basis (eg. you see something that doesn't come up regularly) should be mentioned but only once. When you do see something like this, tell him that it stresses you out when he is not more perceptive to his surroundings (the baby's diaper needs to be changed, and you are in the middle of dinner).

Make sure to use "It makes me feel..." language. I recommend the letter. It's worked well for me in the past in all types of relationships.

As for the rest of your letter, I'm not sure where your time is going. If you provide more details, I may be able to help you find ways to multi-task.

Best regards,

JM

You're not alone. My recommendation would be to find a very affordable sitter to come into your home M-F for 2 hours (responsible high school or college student)to assist with your one-yr old while you are present in the home. The sitter can entertain the 1-yr old in the family room while you AND YOUR HUSBAND share daily tasks. There are many things that he can assist with such as laundry, helping with dinner prep (slicing and dicing while you working on another part of a meal), loading or unloading the dishwasher, ironing, getting the bottles ready for the next day for the infant, etc.

The sharing of tasks concept will keep him within instruction range and at the same time allow you 2 hours of time together to discuss each others workday and make future plans for the family or other areas of responsibility. Throw in a little flirting and playing as you pass each other in the kitchen and let him that his support will yield him a great reward later because you now have more energy for "playtime".

The sitter will probably cost you approximately $50 or so a week; however, you can't put a price on stress reduction and more one on one time with your husband.

K.< men cannot multitask--never could!LOL. so the list thing -if he does it praise the lord! mine will not.So just hang in there and give him a list,it doesn't take me long to make one up. And if you need help, hire a family member to come in and help ,like a niece who needs a few extra dollars.
ANd thinking on another term-what could you do without to go down to part time, you would be surprised!

Hi K.. My name is S.. I know what you are going thruogh. I am married to a wonderful man who happens to be a truck driver, and we have four children. Two boys, 10 and 9 and two girls 8 and 6. We just moved to North Carolina from Pennsylvania. For the last 10 years I have been a stay at home mom. I just recently started a job and am finding that it is a lot harder to balance everything. Especially time for my family and alone time with hubby when he is home every other weekend. Thank God I can get off work to be home when the kids get out of school and off on weekends. I have found that a schedule helps me. I make a chart on the weekends after the kids go to bed of all the things I have to do for the up coming week. I put the tasks in order of importance to least importance. I even schedule in time for activities with the kids and when my husband is home he looks at the schedule to see what he can do to help me out. If there are things that need fixing I include them in the chart that way I don't have to worry about making a seperate list for him. As the tasks get done I make them off. Whats left the next weekend gets added to the new chart and we go from there. Luckily my children are old enough that they help with every day tasks like dishes, laundry, etc., but they ddn't always. I have found that this helps me and it ony take a little organization. This idea doesn't works for everyone but I hope it helps you. Best of luck to you.

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but for me, balance only comes when I focus completely on one task at a time. A little about me: I'm a 27 year old soon to be mom with a full time job, full time graduate school load, and I am basically the business manager of our home (I do all the bills, correspondence, date book keeping, etc.). If I'm at work, I do work, If I'm at home, I do stuff at home. I set aside one weekend day for graduate work. Basically, I find that if I try to do graduate work or personal stuff at work, I get behind in work. If I try to do work stuff at home, I get behind on graduate work and home stuff. etc.
I also make it a point to send birthday cards at the beginning of each month. I know some people might have birthdays at the end of the month -- but I figure it's better early than never and they know I am thinking of them. That way at least my friends and family hear from me at least twice a year.
I think it's fine to have multiple responsibilities, you just have to focus on them individually. You can't give 110% in all areas, but you can give 100% in each for the time that you have allotted them. I have gotten to a point where I know that I can't be perfect at everything, but I can give my all wherever I am at. There are going to be things that don't get done, because there just are. I have to prioritize.

Oh my! I am so in the same boat! I completely understand where you are coming from. I am a happily married 23 year old mother of Ean, an energetic 2 yr old. My husband and I recently opened a new business, but before that I was a SAHM mostly, so I just started working full time about 5 months ago. It has been a tough balance. I work mostly days and my husband works mostly nights so we hardly get to spend any time together. We both work the weekend, too. I try to spend atleast one-two days of quality time with my husband even if that means sending my little boy to daycare on my days off. (He loves daycare anyways) But what I have learned that comes with motherhood is something called "motherguilt" and men don't get it. So you have to figure out what works for you and communicate that to your husband and friends. I make a list for my husband just to help him remember, but I mostly need help with laundry and dishes. I also take care of all our finances and all the other household chores and do a ton of other work for the business. I also try to take a day or so every other week just for myself. It tends to help my stress level and then I can focus better and be a better mommy, wife, boss, etc. My son also goes to bed early which helps me clean, pay bills, and do other things around the house.

The perennial working mom's question! It's awful to feel like you just run from putting out one fire to the next. If your hubby doesn't have the multi-tasking knack that you have, it definitely puts more on your plate, which is already overflowing.

Everyone has to find their own balance, but for me, that balance was in going to working part time, and ultimately quitting. If you say you can't afford it, take a hard look at why. Do you have two car payments? Switch to older used cars, and ditch your auto payments. Mortgage too big? Get a more affordable living situation. Find all the fat in your life and cut it out, so you can have the LIFE you want and deserve. There's more to life than material possessions and payments on credit. You deserve to be truly happy as a mother of a young child; your child deserves to have a happy and loving mama.

If, on the other hand, you are working because you have a job you really like, that's another story. Use some of your earnings to hire a handy man or mother's helper to help get the stuff done--the one-time kinds of projects, and/or the routine stuff. Use the resources you have through working to make your life better.

Whichever course of action you take, make a deliberate choice to improve your life and that of your family. Little ones just don't stay little for long, and you deserve the chance to enjoy it. Above all, don't be a slave to the material stuff. It's not worth it.

I am in the same boat as you - I have a demanding career, a husband, an 18 mo old, family obligations (all of my family live with 30 miles of us), the dishes, the chores, etc etc etc.
I think you are being way too hard yourself. No one expects you to be perfect, and if they do, so what? Just prioritize your time and your tasks. I don't see my friends as much as I like, but they understand- they have kids of their own. As for the family- they also know how busy life is and make an effort to come and see us (as they know the other way around will be much harder to do). I do take a Saturday every so often, put the laundry and various other chores aside, and go visit friends and/or family. The world isn't going to come crashing down if you push something less pressing aside! And don't be afraid to put the burden on someone else occasionally. Leave your baby with the husband, take a girl's night out, and let your hair down. It will do you a world of good! Then, return the favor for him sometime. Sounds like you have it all- now you just need to sit back and enjoy it! :)

Perfect balance is impossible, so cut yourself a bunch of slack. Concentrate on your little victories, like running a successful meeting after not getting a full night's sleep or getting a good dinner on the table after working outside the home the whole day. It will get easier as your 1yo gets older, but even then , there will be good weeks and less than ideal weeks.
You do need to lower your expectations (and everyone else's) about how much of everything you can realistically do. And you'll have to learn to be okay with not getting everything on your to do lists done. It takes a while but you have to start somewhere. I don't even bother writing down the things that don't absolutely have to get done, although I used to write them down and put them at the bottom of the priority list. But I found I was just copying them over day after day, which was a waste of time.
As impossible as it seems, you do need to carve out a little bit of time for yourself. It's absolutely necessary to be able to continue to juggle mom, wife, head of household, and career. As far as keeping in contact with friends and family, let them know that you're struggling. When you do have time to connect, you need to lean on your family and friends and let them support you in whatever way you need. It will get better, so even if you don't have time to socialize much now, you will in a few months. And if not, then take the time to reassess what's working and what's not. Inevitably there will be things that you will need to let go of. If you can afford to have someone clean your house every couple of weeks or to buy a few prepared meals every month, that can help when you know you're going to have a rough week at work.
But the most important thing is to realize that you are doing a great job- you're 1yo wouldn't trade you for the world, you're happily married and gainfully employed- so you're doing a much better job than you give yourself credit for!!

Its never ending. Everything you said I understand and I am going through also. It started when my daughter was born 2 years ago. My husband is the same way. He will not take the inititave to do anything on his own but if I ask him he will help. ( Although it is not done how I would like it to be done) I now have a 2 year old and a 2 month old so getting everything done is impossible. I let housework go. I do what I can and if I can't I wait and do what I can tomorrow. If you try to do everything it is too overwhelming. I am not working now because I just had my son, but when I was working I would do 1 load of laundry a day either in the morning or at night. That way I didn't spend my whole weekend cleaning and doing laundry. I also let my husband do bath time most nights and I could do some cleaning then. If I did bath time I would clean the bathroom while she played. Its all about multi-tasking and letting some stuff go. I used to try to clean up after she went to bed but I stopped doing that because I needed some time to myself. So I let her help me clean and it is fun to her plus its good to start young that way they learn to clean young. It will get easier but just rewmember your baby is only going to be young once, it goes by really fast so just try to enjoy it.

Let's see... hubby is supportive, helpful but somehow you're doing everything? Hmmmm... might need to re-examine that one?

Since I recognize the signs... could I gently suggest that maybe... just maybe... you might be somewhat of a control freak? Learn to let go and relax a little bit. The house cannot and will not remain spotless... but do little things along and along. Small loads of laundry everyday... not huge mountains on the weekends; Use your oven timer and set it for 15 minutes... and then do your chore or event and see just how long it takes you. Then take a break with yourself or with your daughter. I can get very distracted... and timing myself helps sometimes.

Maybe you have too many things scheduled? Simplify... Simplify. Less is More. Also, how much sleep are you getting?

Re: bathrooms- I keep glasswipes and a spray bottle with ammonia water under each cabinet so I can do a quick "swipe-down" as needed when I'm in there including under the seat! Viola... bathrooms are done... 10 minutes tops!

Closing, I heartily recommend www.Flylady.net as an idea resource to maximize your time and create more open spaces in your life! It's populated by mostly SAHMs... but they also speak to working Moms as well. Take what you can from it. There's some great stuff there.

All the best to you!

Wow, I feel the same way. It is so sad. I have deceided to do something for myself. I excercise 4-5 morinings every week and it makes me feel better of course I get up at 5 am because I also work a full time job. My daughter is 4 yrs old and starting to be able to do things for herself but I find myself hurrying her out of the bath because I just don't feel like being in the bathroom anymore. I also find myself annoyed with my husband when he wants to go out because I have just plain given up on fun. I remember when my mom was my age she looked so miserable. Now I know why. GUILT!!!! My mom is perfectly happy now so I say just keep pushing thru everyday and enjoy as much of it as you can. Who cares if we are not perfect.

Hi K.,

Wow-you sound a lot like me. I have 2 small children-ages 2 and 3, as well as full time job outside the home. My husband sounds like the rest of them-he will help, if I map it all out for him and that seems to take more time sometimes. I like you, try to do everything and I am a perfectionist most of the time. I am hard on myself a lot also.

You have really gotten a lot of good advice. It seems like you just have to let some of it go. Your house doesn't have to be perfect. Your friends and family understand. Things will change and your kids will not be little for long. Just enjoy them while you can. Also, it is very important to take some time for yourself!! I have learned this the hard way-you are a better mommy if you can do this.

Good luck to you and I will be checking to see if you get more responses-I can always use help on this too!!

J.

Ok, I know how you feel. I am a wife and mother of two who also works full time. It is very easy for things to get out of control when you both work full time and then try to have a "life" outside of that.

About 6 months ago my sister-in-law sent me a notice from someone called the "Flaylady". She has a website www.flylady.com, it has helped me to get a starting point and to look at alot of things very differently. You might start there.

Although I do not go by everything she has(alot of it is for SAHM's), I have managed to gain some control back and my husband and kids have seen a difference and help too.

One of the best things she has is a calendar! Even my children have come around to making sure things they want to do get put on the calendar. My 8yo tells my 13yo "If it's not on the calendar, you can't expect to get it done". I have even put daily chores on there just so we can check to see that we don't get "off task". That would be mainly for me who can start in one room and then take something to another room and then see something there that needs to be done...and you can see how that goes.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps.

Oh Girl... I can so sympathize with this. I think you are me about a year ago. I ended up making a list of things that needed to be done on a daily, weekly and monthly basis (it was so long DH never had to ask what needed to be done) also, ask for help. I don't know if you have family around but use them if you do. I would send my son to my parents house for a weekend while I got a few things done. Also, I realized that not everything was going to be done perfectly and sometime just not well at all but I listed my top 3 priorities and tried to be sure that I wass focusing on them. I had to give up on things like the laundry always being done or put up and the if the dishes sat around for a day oh well..... Be sure to not give up that time to yourself...it is essential...leave the kids at home with your hubs for a saturday not only will he appreciate more what needs to be done but you will get a chance to have some ME time. Good luck...

K.,

I saw that you are trying to achieve a work/home balance. Let me introduce myself. My name is J. Schmaus and I am working at home out of Fuquay-Varina, NC. I hope to eventually replace my full-time income with my at-home business. I thought it would be helpful to share with you this prospect and give you the opportunity to get more information.

I work with a company that manufactures products the we're already buying elsewhere, but they are better, safer and cheaper. We just help set up customer accounts and the company pays us to do so. It;s like a SAMs Club from home except I don;t have to buy in bulk and I save up to 40% off retail price. It has benefited our family so much!

The great part about this is that we are not asking people to spend extra money from their budget-we are simply providing them another store to buy it from.

If you are not interested in starting an at-home business you may be interested in purchasing our products.

Please check out my websites for more information. I wish you the best of luck and hope I hear back from you!

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Independent Marketing Consultant
www.workathomeunited.com/jessicaj
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go to flylady.net, she's great and helped me w/the same problems!

K.,

Take a breath! Work will never get done so prioritize what's needed versus desired. It's okay to neglect your family and friends. One way to not neglect them is to ask them to spend quality time with you and by the way help you with some of the work. Relax, your one year old won't be one forever and if you don't take the time now to focus on enjoying her you will miss out.

As some people have already said, you need to focus on one thing at a time. Multitasking makes you feel better, but it's really not very effective and then you'll end up feeling worse. Personally, I recommend visiting flylady.com for advice on how to keep up with life. Her motto is "You can do anything for 15 minutes...except whine." This is what I use...15 minutes is enough time to empty my dishwasher, start a load of laudry, take a short walk with my son, etc. It's not about perfection, it's about getting work done and spending time with those you love.

I have two things to say:

1. Lower your standards. You don't have to do everything, be everything, clean everything.
2. Think about where you're really spending your time. I like Mamasource and all, but if you're online as much as I am, you are wasting big chunks of your life.

I go to school full-time and have two kids under the age of 4. We have a lot of playdates, which is how I keep up with my friends. It's harder with working Moms. I am "free" on Tuesdays and 3 afternoons each week, but I still send my husband out to the grocery at 11pm at least once a week. You have to have priorities. Drop things you don't need/love and make time for things you do. Suggest that your best friend go for a walk with you every Saturday morning or have lunch dates with your Mom.

K. i can totaly relate to you in all areas, but the thing i have learned is that if you dont take time for your self, you are always going to have that over welming feeling. i am 40 and my children are 22 and 24 but when there were your chils age i always felt my best just wasnt enough. One of the things my husband and i did was Friday night was date night we got a sitter and just went out to either visit friends or to dinner and we agreed not to talk about all the stress we had going on and trust me if the sink of dinner dishes did not get done right away they didnt go any where, life is really to short to not stop and smell the roses, another thing that i done with my children was once amonth i spent one day just doing something with them we called that mother daughter day or in my case also mother son day. Like you i was a full time mom and worked a full time demanding job and i had a stroke at age 25. it made me relize that i had to take on one task at atime and when that was completed start another one, trust me it really work i hope this helps. God bless,
N.

I have some of the same issues that you are having and I have some health issues on top of everthing. However, what you can't do today, leave it for tomorrow. I know that sounds cliche but the world will not end if you can't get a few tasks completed. My husband is the same way. If I don't ask him to do certain things, he won't do them on his own. Even if you have to ask him to do some things, it's fine. You have to really find a happy medium so that you don't break. Also, you have to take time out for you. Maybe once a week or every two weeks, make time for you!!!! Get a babysitter and have date night with your husband. Plan some family activities for the three of you. Get your husband involved. As long as you get some me time, everything will balance itself out but you have to take time out for you. If you break, the whole family suffers. I'm sure your husband will support whatever decisions you make. I hope everything works out for you. I will be praying for you.

Sincerely,
A.

I still struggle too, but here are some things that have helped. My company allowed me to work through lunch and get off an hour early. I work 8-4 and that alone has made the biggest difference in our daily routine. I also make ALL of my family and friend phone calls on the way to and from work in the car. At night, my husband and I have worked out that one of us gives our son his bath while the other cleans the kitchen. It started with me asking - EVERY NIGHT - which do you want to do - the bath or the dishes? Now, it's a mini-routine. After bath we meet in our son's room for family bed-time prayer, then one of us will do the night-night book etc... We are fortunate enough to have a housekeeper come and clean the downstairs of our house every other week. Granted, no one will do the immaculate job that you will, but if you can possibly swing it, it's worth every penny. Now I just take about 5 min every night to pick up and I mainly just vaccuum on the off week. The way I figured it, we were spending about 3-4 hours every weekend cleaning and my time was more valuable than what we pay her. Good Luck, it's not easy being the mom, but it is the most rewarding!

K.,
My first thing to tell you is "Welcome to the wonderful world of being a SUPERMOM". I am a 36 year old mom with a 13 year old and a 10 year old. I think when you have your first child all things you feel like you HAVE to do are a little overwhelming. In my case I had wonderful family. Hopefully you are just as fortunate, take advantage of it. If you need to clean arrange a play date with the neighbors kid, or better yet tell your wonderful husband, how bout take the baby to the grocery store. It will be good bonding time. And since he/she is 1 it should not be that big of a deal. Make the list throughout the week and put it on the front of the refrigerator. Just slow down and breath, I know that is easier said than done. Don't forget you have to take care of you before you can properly take care of anyone else. I hope this helps!!! Good luck and God Bless

I don't really have any advice but I know how you feel, I'm pretty much in the same boat, except my little girl is 19 months old. We just have to hang in there and know it will get better as our little ones grow and are more able to take care of themselves.

First, stop beating yourself up! Do you have a regular routine? I'm not real big on schedules, but a routine definitely helps and limits the daily what to do lists. One of the easiest ways I found to get my husband involved is we have a daily and a weekly "game-plan" time. This is something you can do over a meal, or while doing something else, so you aren't adding to a forever to-do list. If he really needs a list, while you are going over what needs to be done, he can write it down. During times when my dear hubby and I have had a hard time coordinating any together time including meals, I call and leave a list of what I need him to do on his voicemail. Remember, it doesn't matter if you are a full-time stay at home mom, a part-time worker and mom, or a full-time worker and mom... each has a balancing act that has its own challenges. Neither one is easier than the other and we waste mental energy living in the land of I wish. You can make whatever you have to do work. Lastly, if "systems" or groups help you, there is a fantastic free one at FlyLady.net. It helped me a ton. Blessings to you and your family!

Make the list for your husband. Learn to let things go. As your baby gets older, things will work out. With all the things on your plate, it's a wonder you can get dressed in the morning! Good friends understand that you are crazy busy. I think all moms feel like a failure at one thing or another. Don't forget to take some time for yourself, which I know is hard when you have so many other things running through your head. Sit down, relax, meditate, maybe do some yoga. With a relaxed mind, things fall into place, and unimportant things go by the wayside. All of us moms have been where you are. Things DO get better! But use your husband to help. Don't be picky about how he does things, even if it's inefficient or not how you would do them. It's not a crime to get take-out or eat frozen dinners, especially if it helps you keep your sanity. Good luck!

I can relate to your problems as well-- I work a full-time job, a part-time job (flexible) and have a 4 and 2 year old. Balance is the key. I find that having my husband help with some things is a great relief-- sometimes I have to let it go that he buys the wrong cereal or doesn't pick up as well as I would-- but hey-- it's good enough. Here are a few tips...

With respect to friends and family..... I meet my friends for lunch during the work week if at all possible. That way I get to enjoy it. My "mommy" friends get together once per month to scrapbook on a Saturday night after 8pm.

With respect to housecleaning--- when I started working the part-time job I hired a cleaning service to clean the house once per month. That way I only have to maintain the house. Each night, after the kids go to bed, I clean one thing before I sit down to relax. It help to rotate tasks for me. That way, I don't spend 6 hours on the weekend cleaning and organizing.

Organizing helps immensely-- takes the pressure off and keeps the world running smoothly in our house. I plan a weekly meal-- coordinate it with a grocery list-- I grocery shop on Saturday or Sunday during nap time (without the kids)-- I pack up everything the night before so the mornings are not so hectic.

Hope these ideas help- and don't worry-- it gets easier when they get older and can help set the table, get their own breakfast, potty themselves and dress themselves.....

Mel

Okay, you have several issues, but this is not impossible to solve. First, don't be afraid to use personal days to get back on top of things. Second, don't try to be on top of everything - you are only one person, and can only spread yourself so far. Something's gotta give - and right now its you family and friends. Since this bothers you, its time to re-prioritize. Easier said than done, but take a personal day to do it. Write down long term and short term goals for each area of your life - mom, wife, friend, daughter, and employee, and be realistic about what can be achieved. Then number each section 1 through whatever - but try to keep no more than 5 per area - 2 or 3 would be ideal, especially for short-term goals. Then but them all together and see how you can mesh all your #1s, then all your #2s, etc. Now "mom" may have the top 1,2,3 spots, then wife have 4th spot -that's fine, as long as your husband and you are happy with that. Don't forget as you do this to put yourself in the list! Time to read, time to pray, to shower, to get your hair done on occasions, etc. You must take care of yourself first, and that is SO very hard for women to do.

One resource (aside from the Bible and spending time with God) that I've found helpful is www.flylady.net. Marla has create d a completely free system to help you keep your house in order in 15 -30 minutes a day and will send you email reminders and help you create what she calls a Control Journal so all tasks are in one place. This is something your husband can look at and say "oh, this is to be done today, I'll get it done so my wife can spend more time with me tonight, wink wink". And, who knows, maybe he'll take over more of the house work regularly if there is a comprehensive plan laid out!!

Hope this helps you out!

I'm not an expert, but I would say you need to learn to ask for help. We need to be willing to ask friends and family to help with the baby one day per week so that you can catch up on things. After a while you will catch up and have time to do things with friends.

Don't be afraid to cut corners to save money for a sitter for time for yourself. It can help you to be a better person for hubby and baby.

Why can't you work less, or not at all? How much do you actually clear after expenses? You and your husband need to seriouly consider this. Your salary, minus daycare, minus your gas to work and to drop off your baby, minus a possible meal out, minus work clothes for you, and any other expenses involved in you working (extra cell phone,baby sick more because of being around other sick children at childcare situation, etc.).How much do you really make? Is it worth leaving your baby, and not being able to be the homemaker you want to be? Could you do without the fancy extras for this awesome,rewarding,blessed,life-giving position of mother and wife? You're the only one who is your baby's mama and your husband's wife. Don't let that go for money. Stop working and stay home. You could save your husband money by making great homecooked meals. Use your God-given talents in a creative way to figure out how to make this possible. He will love you for it, and your child will have what each child deserves, his/her own mom to care for them, not a babysitter. I wish you well.

oh wow! this is very challenging. You do have to learn to let things go and remember, your child will not be one forever, so it will get better and things/life will start feeling more balanced and that you have it a little more "together".

remember, "this too shall pass"

good luck

Sounds typical. Don't feel guilty .... but do let your family and friends know you are overwhelmed right now and that you are thinking of them and miss them.

If your family and friends are local...enlist their help! If they care for you and want to spend time with you then they will have no problem visiting and helping out. They can put your baby in the stroller, get the dog leash and take a stroll so you have a little time to get yourself together. Invite them for dinner and they can help cook and clean up while you give the baby a bath. Make a schedule for your husband of regular tasks he can help with:
Monday, Wednesday, Friday: laundry
Tuesday, Thursday: Vac, windex, dust
Every night before bed: dishes done, living room picked up of clutter.
This way you don't have to keep making new lists.
Storage is also key. If you don't have a designated place to put stuff then it will always be out of place. Give everything a place to live and always put it back where it belongs. Stop buying "stuff" until you can go through what you have and simplify. Save your diaper cases and fill them with donations. Most churches and Non profits will accept just about anything in good condition. It may be cluttering your home but could be just perfect for someone in need.
Simplify and prioritize. Don't forget to give yourself a day off to just be with your family. Time really does go by in the blink of an eye. Enjoy your baby every chance you get. This time really is precious and irriplaceable.
Good luck!

I understand your frustration; it's something all us working Moms deal with and there's no solution for all the craziness. But there are things that we can do to minimize it.

I know that it seems you can forget about time for yourself, but it's important to you and the rest of your family that you find a way to get "me time".

It may help to talk about what tasks your husband can do every day so you don't have to give him a list. For example, he can take care of the dog every day.

The solution to earning money, spending time with your children, taking care of the family household, and finding time for yourself is to work from home. Make a list of what you like and dislike about your job. Then, make a list of what things a job at home would take care of your "dislikes" and see what things are included in your "likes" with a work at home position. I guarantee you that work at home will do the trick.

I work at home and love when my husband comes home and we can sit down and talk or whatever. I work when he does and stop just before he comes home. I only work three hours a day and bring in what alot of people make it a couple of weeks. I'm sure that you could find something making more; I was just satified with that because I really don't have to work.

If you're interested and want my help, call me at 877-736-7630 or ###-###-#### or email me at ____@____.com.

Blessings,
W.

I feel like this alot. I have come to realize I can't do everything, though. I have learned to deligate certain things to certain days. If it doesn't get done that day, I don't try and pile it to tomorrow. I just wait until next week. I've realized we won't die if the floors are less than perfect or if there is dust on the table. My boys are 4 and 17 mos. There are some things I'm learning I can let my four year old do that I was doing that I didn't need to. My husband and I both have hectic schedules and I have learned to ask him for help so I'm not completely overwhelmed.
I find that if I do a little of something each day, like one load of laundry, cleaning the sink after I get ready or even putting away a basket of clothes while I wait on dinner to finish it helps with the little things.
I always feel like there is something else to complete, but I look around at friends who also have small children and I think most of us are in the same boat. Try and remember you want to have time with your little one and your husband. You can't get that time back and there will always be work, dirty floors and stuff to be done.
Good Luck and God Bless.

Hi K., although I don't have a full time job, I do have some insight on this. I have struggled with all you've mentioned from the time my first was born, now I have three and a better handle on things. Firstly and most importantly, let go of the perception that it all has to be perfect, you can do it! (coming from me a perfectionist) Secondly, I know it might sound like another thing to do, but literally schedule everything. It works! And reduces conflict and stress with your husband. Delegating is part of this scheduling. Let hubby have bath time as a rule, it's 'his' time with your child. That gives you time each night to choose something to accomplish (preferably meditation!). Schedule weekends... and be SURE to schedule a four hour block one of those days to do something for YOU. Give him a block too! But get yours. It is critical to the health of your whole family for you to feel like you instead of only caregiver. This has really worked for my family, with three kids. It has taken awhile for all of us to realize the importance, but we know as soon as we don't schedule how chaotic and unhappy we all can be. Organization and dependable structure are both key. Good luck!
S.

You don't. I tried working full time after my dd was born and it was the biggest mistake I made. The best was letting go of stuff and staying home! Seriously, we have lived on 14,000 a year some years when dh went back to school but we always survived. We are the family that drives cars that are used and about 10 yrs old. We keep liability only on them. We don't have long distance on our phone, no cell phones (dh has one through work), we eat at home (ordering a lot through the coop and angelfood ministries), no cable/ dish.... we just did away with all but the necessities and honestly, we are the better for it. I wouldn't trade working for my kids. I do suppliment my dh's income by doing childcare. But, I am in the processes of backing out of that now.
I think the idea or concept that moms can have (do) it all is a crock. Something is sacrificed.
If you must be sure you and your childcare provider's philosophy on raising children is the same. Your child will behave and respect this person greatly... at times more than you. She will be with him more. My kids have always done better for me. Here is the reason... she will be much more consistant with disciple. You will really need to step up your discipline game! You also need to step up to have a rigid schedule. Same bed time, little change so your child has consistence.
Remember, you can't have it all and you need to pick your priorities. I also love flylady;)
God bless you in your endevor.
Mary Beth
Oh and, ME time is a crock too:) Your kids will soon be grown and you will have all the ME time you could ever want. Embrace your child! If you establish a decent bedtime (8pm) you and your dh should have time!

K.,

I could have written this exact letter myself a few years ago and even though my children are older now, I still struggle with that same question. As for me I just try my best. My kids have come to the realization that I work and because of that it has afforded them some really nice things. Not that I think being a stay home mom is less, I just can't beat myself up about not having a full course meal sitting on the table, on days that I work 10 hours. I try to get the important things done first. Laundry and eating always seems to be a priority. (even if that is a carry out meal) I stay up way too late, and that does allow me to find time for a few extra things that I can get done. Keep trying, not that I have any great answers, but keep up the efforts. Being a little of a control freak myself, I have some of the same issues you do. It seems on some days, I am the only one in the house that knows were things actually are. Keep trying..

Hi, you're not alone! I have a 6 month old daughter, a dog, full-time job, and am a full-time student. Your post is exactly how I've been feeling for the last few months. I have finally come to the realization that I can't do it all. Is there anything that you can eleminate? Does your husband know how you're feeling? We just re-homes out cat, this doesn't sound like a big deal but it is one less thing that I have to worry about. I am also quiting my full-time job and starting a home-based business, which should make a huge difference. If you're not able to stay home could you reduce your work hours? or find a nanny/sitter who can help you around the house so you have more time to spend enjoying your family when you are home from work. I know what it's like to feel like you've been barely treading water for months and are starting to drownd... it's not fun. I did a lot of soul searching before making the changes that I did and it won't be easy but it hasn't been so far so I've got nothing to loose.
Good luck!

I don't really have any advise per se but I just wanted to say I'm in the same boat. We have so many similarities it's amazing, your words are mine. Just wanted to say you're not alone. My word of the year is "balance". The only time I have down time is from like 9-10 at night. It's crazy. I guess what keeps me going is knowing that it won't always be this way. I hope to go down to part-time in a few years. But as a mother, I constantly am reminded that we will never get this time back, our children's lives. I have one time on Friday afternoon for me, horse back riding. I guess if I had one piece of advise it would be to take a few hours a week to regroup, do something that's just for you, so that you have something to give.

Think of life as a teeter totter. If everything was was taken care of one side would be low(empty) and one high. We need BALANCE. It's ok if some things are left undone. Thats were we find balance. Don't feel quilty letting some things slide.

K....This is something I struggle with too! We own two very busy businesses and have lots of responsiblities to go with it. I just found that it is better for me and my wellbeing to write down a honey do list for my hubby. Let's face they are great husbands but they just don't think the way we do. Know this too....you can never get it all done unless you never want to sleep! Just do the very important things like spend time with your baby (they grow so fast) and spend time togehter as a family! Do take time for yourself even if it is just to squeese in a bath! But you will need it and feel so much better. Hire a sitter once in awhile so you and your hubby can have time as a couple. VERY IMPORTANT! Learn to ask for help from family and friends! Believe me it does get better!!

Been there. First you need to slow down and learn to prioritize. Second you need to carve out some me time each day- sounds impossible but you need to do it. 15-20 minutes every day or every other day is all you need. Find the time. I am in the same boat as you and felt the same way you do right now.
It does get easier as your child gets older- at this time your 1 year old is probably hitting all sorts of developmental milestones that they need to show off. Your dog probably needs a walk and the check book needs to be balanced.Lets not even get into the cleanliness of the house. BUT it will get easier...

You sound like a control freak, like me. Your husband needs to pick up some of the choirs. For example my husband is in charge of the dogs. I take care of the finances. My husband is in charge of dinner, I am in charge of getting little man ready for bed. NOw I'm not saying the way we do it is perfect or that I still am not stressed out regularly but its better than it was. You both decided to have a baby and a dog- split the work.