December 06, 2006,
L.E. asks from Anchorage, AK on November 13, 2006
How Do I Ask My Husband to Contribute More?
When it was just me and my husband, we were both working and split our bills pretty equally. When I found out I was pregnant, I saved enough of my own money to stay home with our son for the first 5 months. Now I work 20 or less hours a week, over 4 days, and I am the primary parent. The problem is, my husband is still expecting me to pay half the bills. The only way my work situation has worked out is that I work for my family's business and my mom and step-mom are the ones who watch my son when I work. My husband has taken on paying for all the groceries (instead of half like before) and thinks that this makes up for me taking care of our son, finding someone to take care of him when I work, keeping up with the house and cooking. When I asked him to contribute more, he paid more on our rent for one month then reverted back to splitting. If I ask him for money for diapers or something, he gets irritated. It's starting to drive me nuts that he doesn't get it. I don't want it to get to the point where I feel like I'd be better off on my own. If I could stay at home with my son full time it would be a dream come true, but just some more time would be great.
Suggestions? I need help!
S.E. answers from Salt Lake City on November 14, 2006
Just tell him how lucky he is to be married to you. If he was paying child support instead...he would be paying even more.
A. answers from Salt Lake City on November 13, 2006
Try telling him what you said here. If he has a clue maybe he can help out more. It may not work but he deserves a chance to come through for you. Sometimes guys just don't realize what is going on, they see what they have always seen and don't realize things have changed
S.T. answers from Salt Lake City on November 14, 2006
Okay you may not like me much after my comment, but are you kidding me? You are married and you still split your finances! What kind of committment is that? I see still having some seperate money so you can give presents without the other knowing what you spent or so you can buy things that you just don't see eye to eye on but for diapers, HELLO it is his child too and not one he is supposed to give child support to, one he lives with and to whom he is married to the mother of! You have got to nip this in the butt before he is even more conditioned to it. YOU TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU.
And you are teaching him that it is okay to be married and yet not have any of the responsability of it all. A marriage is a union, not just the union so that you feel comfortable to live together. He is having his cake and eating it too. What person wouldn't love to have a woman that will have kids take care of them all by themselves have a clean house and a meal to come home to and think it is okay because he paid his part of the rent. I haven't had to work since I've been married because my husband has alwys made good money, I did however work until we started having kids. Now I take care of the kids the house and food. But he pays for it all but he would never think for a second that he is in control of the money and think for a second that I wasn't doing my part.
Anyway I could probably preach all day because I think the situtation you and your husband put yourselves in is just beyond anything that I would comprehend as acceptable. So I will end with, you need to talk to your husband today, TODAY, and start your union now and everything should be equal even if the earnings are not!
2 moms found this helpful
S.W. answers from Yakima on November 14, 2006
I am a stay at home mom of two. it took a long time for my husband to be ok with me not working. But after I explaind to him that after gas, food and child care I wouldn't be making any money he understood to an extent and was ok with me staying at home. But it wasn't untill he finally realized that if I were to work that would mean some one else would be rasing our children and he got it. He now loves the Idea of me at home with our children teaching them and keeping up the chores of the house. with the money issue, it sounds like your hubby still acts like a single man, let him know that just because he has to contribute more money doesn't mean he can't have certain things he wants. of course he'll have to give up some but allow him certain things he thinks he can't live without.coffee out, lunches out just ask if he can limmit them to a few times a week instead of every day. or what ever his thing is.well I hope I could help. Just communicate with you hubby and ask him his fellings too. wish you all the best.
C.M. answers from Richland on December 06, 2006
Yikes! Your situation seems like more of business relationship than a marriage! Granted each parent should chip in the same amount, but is money the center of your relationship? Do you lack trust in each other? If not then why not simply disolve current arrangement, and explain to your husband that it simply too much for you to handle on your own. If you can share a child together you should be able to share an income.
K.D. answers from Salt Lake City on November 13, 2006
I just don't know what to say. I guess my advice would be to sit down with your husband with a financial layout - here is your income and expenses, here is mine. Maybe if he can see in black and white, that you are bearing the majority of the burden for your child (diapers, daycare) and making half as much money, he may be more willing to take on more financial responsibility. You could do the same with household chores and childcare. Keep a running log of everything you've done over the course of the week and everything he's done. (From feeding the baby, bathing him, to cleaning the bathroom.) Again, maybe he'd see that what you are doing far surpasses what he does. Most men like to see things in B&W. If you just say "You don't help out enough!" he may just think you are nagging.
Oh, and you could also tell him that because you are only working part-time (outside of the home, that is), that you'd be more than happy to take on a few more household responsibilies since you'll be home more.
I hope he steps up to the plate for you and your son!
A.M. answers from Salt Lake City on November 14, 2006
Hi L.. I know we are complete strangers, but after reading your message, I just had to respond. So please excuse me for being blunt, but i just have to say, if the father of your children is IRRITATED because HIS CHILD needs anything, you really need to ask yourself, is this how i want my son to grow up and be to his wife and kids? I mean there is something to be said about a marriage being an equal partnership, but come on. DID YOU GET PREGNANT BY YOURSELF???? i just don't get it either. what man makes his wife save up to give birth to his child?? I don't know. I think you should sit him down and ask him, what do you see in a marriage? Yes, you give some and you take some, but really he is lucky to have a woman who is using family from outside of the home to help out. Do you pay your mom and step mom for babysitting? Is that supposed to come from you? Well i am going to stop here. I just wish you the best of luck and hope what i said gave you something to think about.
S.G. answers from Seattle on November 14, 2006
My partner and I also were splitting bills before our daughter was born. I now work part time and after several months I was so frustrated with my lack of money that I insisted that we start a joint account. Now we both know how much money we are saving, and I don't have to worry about running out. We each have separate accounts as well, and a pre-determined amount goes into those each month, and the rest goes into the shared account for bills and savings. We buy things like presents for other people, haircuts or clothes, or other personal things out of our own accounts, but bills and stuff for our daughter comes from the joint account. This way, even though I'm only working out of the home part-time, I still am valued equally (since I do most of the child-rearing and household tasks).
F.T. answers from Las Vegas on November 14, 2006
I just wanted to say that they sometimes just dont know how you feel unless you tell them. Men are oblivious (well most are) of all that mothers do. I wanted to say to some of the responses about having your money split, there is a right way to do it. My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years and we have always kept our finances separate. It just makes more sense to us that way. We both have our own credit cards, auto payments, etc. We split everything regarding our son (daycare, dr visits, etc). When we go to the grocery store we both put whatever we want in the cart and we split the bill. Utilities, mortgage payments are also split. it just works for us. We both work 40 hours a week and yes i do handle the majority of kid stuff. Bathing, feeding, dressing but that seems to be the only thing that I wish he'd help more on. If he's paying for all the groceries why dont you just buy the diapers then so he has to pay for them? Do you prefer working only part-time? I have to work full-time to keep up financially with my own bills but I really enjoy working. I personally couldn't be a stay home mom. i've worked too long. As far as these other moms that have husbands that support them, good for you!! My husband is a general foreman for a steel company and his $$ situation is getting better so maybe one day down the road I can work only part time. You really need to do something about your hubby though. Maybe moneywise each put a percentage in of what you make. Since he makes more then of course he'll pay more. if he fights it tell him that you tend to the baby and daycare is way expensive. ($185 a week for a decent one) and sometimes you just have to tell him what to do at each time. Like "here can you bathe him" or "Can you change him" stuff like that. i try to give my hubby more responsibility by giving him more things to do. I know it was all new to him and he didnt have a clue of what to do. Sometimes you have to lead them along. Sorry so long. If you'd ever like to talk about things please dont hesitate on emailing me at ____@____.com. Thanks
C.M. answers from Portland on November 14, 2006
I don't know how to say this, L... But I agree with your husband. I encourage you to do what you think is best for your own family. Good luck.