22 answers

How Do I Ask My Husband to Contribute More?

When it was just me and my husband, we were both working and split our bills pretty equally. When I found out I was pregnant, I saved enough of my own money to stay home with our son for the first 5 months. Now I work 20 or less hours a week, over 4 days, and I am the primary parent. The problem is, my husband is still expecting me to pay half the bills. The only way my work situation has worked out is that I work for my family's business and my mom and step-mom are the ones who watch my son when I work. My husband has taken on paying for all the groceries (instead of half like before) and thinks that this makes up for me taking care of our son, finding someone to take care of him when I work, keeping up with the house and cooking. When I asked him to contribute more, he paid more on our rent for one month then reverted back to splitting. If I ask him for money for diapers or something, he gets irritated. It's starting to drive me nuts that he doesn't get it. I don't want it to get to the point where I feel like I'd be better off on my own. If I could stay at home with my son full time it would be a dream come true, but just some more time would be great.
Suggestions? I need help!

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Just tell him how lucky he is to be married to you. If he was paying child support instead...he would be paying even more.

Try telling him what you said here. If he has a clue maybe he can help out more. It may not work but he deserves a chance to come through for you. Sometimes guys just don't realize what is going on, they see what they have always seen and don't realize things have changed

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Okay you may not like me much after my comment, but are you kidding me? You are married and you still split your finances! What kind of committment is that? I see still having some seperate money so you can give presents without the other knowing what you spent or so you can buy things that you just don't see eye to eye on but for diapers, HELLO it is his child too and not one he is supposed to give child support to, one he lives with and to whom he is married to the mother of! You have got to nip this in the butt before he is even more conditioned to it. YOU TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU.
And you are teaching him that it is okay to be married and yet not have any of the responsability of it all. A marriage is a union, not just the union so that you feel comfortable to live together. He is having his cake and eating it too. What person wouldn't love to have a woman that will have kids take care of them all by themselves have a clean house and a meal to come home to and think it is okay because he paid his part of the rent. I haven't had to work since I've been married because my husband has alwys made good money, I did however work until we started having kids. Now I take care of the kids the house and food. But he pays for it all but he would never think for a second that he is in control of the money and think for a second that I wasn't doing my part.
Anyway I could probably preach all day because I think the situtation you and your husband put yourselves in is just beyond anything that I would comprehend as acceptable. So I will end with, you need to talk to your husband today, TODAY, and start your union now and everything should be equal even if the earnings are not!
GOOD LUCK

2 moms found this helpful

Hi L.,

I am a stay at home mom of two. it took a long time for my husband to be ok with me not working. But after I explaind to him that after gas, food and child care I wouldn't be making any money he understood to an extent and was ok with me staying at home. But it wasn't untill he finally realized that if I were to work that would mean some one else would be rasing our children and he got it. He now loves the Idea of me at home with our children teaching them and keeping up the chores of the house. with the money issue, it sounds like your hubby still acts like a single man, let him know that just because he has to contribute more money doesn't mean he can't have certain things he wants. of course he'll have to give up some but allow him certain things he thinks he can't live without.coffee out, lunches out just ask if he can limmit them to a few times a week instead of every day. or what ever his thing is.well I hope I could help. Just communicate with you hubby and ask him his fellings too. wish you all the best.

Yikes! Your situation seems like more of business relationship than a marriage! Granted each parent should chip in the same amount, but is money the center of your relationship? Do you lack trust in each other? If not then why not simply disolve current arrangement, and explain to your husband that it simply too much for you to handle on your own. If you can share a child together you should be able to share an income.

I just don't know what to say. I guess my advice would be to sit down with your husband with a financial layout - here is your income and expenses, here is mine. Maybe if he can see in black and white, that you are bearing the majority of the burden for your child (diapers, daycare) and making half as much money, he may be more willing to take on more financial responsibility. You could do the same with household chores and childcare. Keep a running log of everything you've done over the course of the week and everything he's done. (From feeding the baby, bathing him, to cleaning the bathroom.) Again, maybe he'd see that what you are doing far surpasses what he does. Most men like to see things in B&W. If you just say "You don't help out enough!" he may just think you are nagging.

Oh, and you could also tell him that because you are only working part-time (outside of the home, that is), that you'd be more than happy to take on a few more household responsibilies since you'll be home more.

I hope he steps up to the plate for you and your son!

Hi L.. I know we are complete strangers, but after reading your message, I just had to respond. So please excuse me for being blunt, but i just have to say, if the father of your children is IRRITATED because HIS CHILD needs anything, you really need to ask yourself, is this how i want my son to grow up and be to his wife and kids? I mean there is something to be said about a marriage being an equal partnership, but come on. DID YOU GET PREGNANT BY YOURSELF???? i just don't get it either. what man makes his wife save up to give birth to his child?? I don't know. I think you should sit him down and ask him, what do you see in a marriage? Yes, you give some and you take some, but really he is lucky to have a woman who is using family from outside of the home to help out. Do you pay your mom and step mom for babysitting? Is that supposed to come from you? Well i am going to stop here. I just wish you the best of luck and hope what i said gave you something to think about.

My partner and I also were splitting bills before our daughter was born. I now work part time and after several months I was so frustrated with my lack of money that I insisted that we start a joint account. Now we both know how much money we are saving, and I don't have to worry about running out. We each have separate accounts as well, and a pre-determined amount goes into those each month, and the rest goes into the shared account for bills and savings. We buy things like presents for other people, haircuts or clothes, or other personal things out of our own accounts, but bills and stuff for our daughter comes from the joint account. This way, even though I'm only working out of the home part-time, I still am valued equally (since I do most of the child-rearing and household tasks).

I just wanted to say that they sometimes just dont know how you feel unless you tell them. Men are oblivious (well most are) of all that mothers do. I wanted to say to some of the responses about having your money split, there is a right way to do it. My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years and we have always kept our finances separate. It just makes more sense to us that way. We both have our own credit cards, auto payments, etc. We split everything regarding our son (daycare, dr visits, etc). When we go to the grocery store we both put whatever we want in the cart and we split the bill. Utilities, mortgage payments are also split. it just works for us. We both work 40 hours a week and yes i do handle the majority of kid stuff. Bathing, feeding, dressing but that seems to be the only thing that I wish he'd help more on. If he's paying for all the groceries why dont you just buy the diapers then so he has to pay for them? Do you prefer working only part-time? I have to work full-time to keep up financially with my own bills but I really enjoy working. I personally couldn't be a stay home mom. i've worked too long. As far as these other moms that have husbands that support them, good for you!! My husband is a general foreman for a steel company and his $$ situation is getting better so maybe one day down the road I can work only part time. You really need to do something about your hubby though. Maybe moneywise each put a percentage in of what you make. Since he makes more then of course he'll pay more. if he fights it tell him that you tend to the baby and daycare is way expensive. ($185 a week for a decent one) and sometimes you just have to tell him what to do at each time. Like "here can you bathe him" or "Can you change him" stuff like that. i try to give my hubby more responsibility by giving him more things to do. I know it was all new to him and he didnt have a clue of what to do. Sometimes you have to lead them along. Sorry so long. If you'd ever like to talk about things please dont hesitate on emailing me at ____@____.com. Thanks

F.

I don't know how to say this, L... But I agree with your husband. I encourage you to do what you think is best for your own family. Good luck.

well thats a tough one im a complete single mom but i work for family as well and im surrounded with family so it helps a lot i havent really had to deal with what a partner does or doesnt do but my sister was in that position before til she stoped cookin and doin anything for her husband only did it for herself and son and when he got annoyed enough and ask what was up she told him everything she felt and he got the picture.. so do something drastic to get his attention or make him play mommy for a few days thats usually a good wake up call .. hope that helped L.

You guys really need to sit down and discuss this. After your son goes to bed tonight tell your husband that you've been stressing about finances and you both need to work out the situation. Sit down at the table and make a rule before you start that neither of you can leave until both feel comfortable with the plan, even if it takes all night. You need to help your husband understand that he is part of a FAMILY. Most of the money that he earns should be considered family money, not his money. Sure he should be able to have some $$ that he alone is accountable for (for fun and gifts, etc.). This whole situation will be worked out much more easily once you both understand that the majority of the $$ earned by both of you goes toward family needs: rent, bills, groceries, etc. All splitting of bills has to stop.

Just tell him how lucky he is to be married to you. If he was paying child support instead...he would be paying even more.

I don’t know this is much help and I know it’s a little late, but what works pretty well for my situation, which is - my son and I live with my b-friend - we figured out the monthly bills that we need (an approx. food amount, gas, electric, house payment), how much he makes and how much I make, figured a fare amount for me to just pay my b-friend every month and that’s it, he pays the bills and anything else I want, I buy with what I have left over, and he buys what he wants with what he has left over, He has a lot more spending money left over than I do but He pays a lot more bills than I do, he makes a lot more money than I do, its like we both pay out 30 percent of our checks to bill and get 60 percent left in our own pockets, no questions asked what we do with it, then if my son needs school clothes, has scout camp fees, school lunch, etc. We discuss what he will pay and what I will pay, my b-friend never makes me pay fully for my son, he takes on full responsibility as a father would, so he takes on the financial responsibility too. I'll tell him what money I have to put toward my son and my b-friend picks up the rest.
Good luck to you, I hate talking about money. People say money doesn’t buy happiness, or money is not what’s important in a relationship, but I’ve sure seen many fights over it.

Hi Laure,
My name is G. and I have three children. I have been bringing in a small income for the last eight years and before that have paid more than my share of bills, over half. Now the years that I paid over half are less than the years that I now contribute and the relations ship is straining as thought what you have mentioned to a degree. I desired something more in my life something that would help my family out now and in the years to come. I took action and am now a SAHM that owns my own business. What I do now I have never ran across with all the stay at home researching I have done. It is a blessing for my self and my children that I am able to watch my children yet do the business at my leisure and in the long run are able to pay for college, buy that prom dress, and pass down an income to my grand children and great grand children. This is all a possibility if you desire it like I have. If you would like to see and hear about what I do just let me know what’s a good time to reach you and a number to reach you at and I would me more than happy to give you more information about what I do because you and your husband sound like a people I would like to help out. You wouldn't have to worry about location because this can be done nationally and you can live any were to do it.

P.S. It sounds as though you don't have enough time in a day to get paid for work and still be there for your child with out having a cost reduction in the relationship and your husband is adjusting to it with dislike. I can show you both information about the business and the both of you can make a decision as a team our as individuals.
~G.

My husband and I split the bills also. But our money goes together and then I take whatever is needed to pay whatever bill. It is never you pay half of this and you pay half of that and it hasn't been that way since we were dating. Even when we were dating and he was going to college, we always helped one another.

I think maybe you should tell him how you feel. Your child isn't only your obligation. It is your husbands as well. I don't think it is fair if he buys more groceries that that means it makes up for anything. Being married doesn't mean that things should be split 50-50.

When my husband makes me upset about anything, (which is quite frequently) I always try to tell him how I feel. Even when he doesn't like what I have to say. Sometimes when he is so bull headed and ignores me, I send him a email and write to him, I tell him what is wrong and how I think it could be fixed. Sometimes writing a letter is easier then confronting certain people too. Usually it works depends on the topic.

Good Luck!!

Hi L.,
When I read your problem I was very frustrated, so I can imagine how YOU feel, actually living this life. I cannot believe your husband is still in the mindset of "my money, my bills, your money, your bills". One thing if any, a marriage and having children should change is that "what's mine is yours". Don't you two just put the money together and pay the bills? He needs to know that when you have a child with someone, then it's not only his legal responsibility but also it's a moral responsibility to make sure he's taking care of the child and that the bills are paid. It's so weird that he gets irritated when you ask for money for things that are absolutely a NECESSITY. One thing I've noticed is that husbands tend to be oblivious to what is right and wrong when it comes to things such as this. I am guessing that you will receive a mass amount of replies to this specific problem. My advice to you is to let him read this, tell him that you were feeling alone and didn't know what to do so you asked for advice. It's not like we all know who you are, it's still fairly anonymous and he needs to actually read in black and white what other husbands do. I agree, if he's going to throw a fit any time you need extra money, then you would be better off on your own. Tell me, does he help with your son? Does he take a real interest in him? Sounds like you are working extra hard to keep everything going and he's not putting in his time. Please don't let this go on. It's time that you were given what you deserve and that is help with the child that you both created, help with the bills you can no longer afford to pay because you took a cut in work time in order to spend more time with your precious son. Sit hubby down and let him see what all of these SMART women have to say about what he's doing or rather 'not' doing. I feel for you hon, but it doesn't have to be this way. Stand up for yourself and your family, you deserve it and so does your son. Good luck.

A marraige is supposed to be a partnership. You support eachother and take care of each other. Me and my fiance have been together for 3 years (getting married in September!) and i used to work full time before i got pregnant. I went down to part time. The only way to remedy the problem is not keep count, instead combine both paychecks and it is to pay for your bills as a couple. James and i rarely fight over money because we don't see it as mine or his but ours. That is what marraige is about. You have a family, sit him down and talk to him about how you feel. Make sure you make it known that you don't just need his money but you also need his support as a mother to his child. Being a mom is a full time job but you don't get paid!! He needs to understand that. If he cannot do that for you and for your family maybe he really isn't the man you need in your life. Just know you have support from other moms and your family whatever happens. Good luck!!

I would suggest halting all of this 'my money, his money' stuff, pooling your finances, and budgeting from there. Marriage is all about sharing. If you need to have some of your 'own' money, open one joint accont for bills, deposit all but a percentage of both of your paychecks in there. Put the percentage you hold back into a seperate account. That is your 'fun money'.

I think keeping it the way it is will just cause tension and hard-feelings between you two. Once you get married your finances should be shared, not seperate like before.

Honey! I agree with most of the women who have posted above. Your husband has fallen victim to a common misconception; a marriage is 50/50. That couldn't be farther from the truth. A marriage is 100/100, all the time. Both partners must give 100%, not 50%. Just because the job you do (and being a mommy IS a full-time job!!!) doesn't pay monitarily, that doesn't mean that it isn't important or that it doesn't pay. You are giving your child what he needs to be a happy and healthy child.

Ask him to help you set up a monthly budget. Have copies of both your and his pay stubs there, when it is time to do this. Have a list of what your expenses are, from rent and utilities, basic needs such as food and diapers, to what you spend on 'extras' like movies, going out to eat, etc. If he helps you come up with ways to reduce excess spending, and can see that the dynamics of what he is used to has changed, it should help him realize that he needs to 'step up' and do his fair share. Since he is working twice as much as you, hopefully this will help him see that he needs to pay for twice as much as you do, because he has the income to do so.

Okay, I've seen this problem more than once, and My hubby and I have pooled our finances for a long time. However, it's easy to resent having to ask for things, and if your marriage enters trouble it has a potential for screwing either one of you pretty quick. To avoid having to ask each other for things, we both have an allowance we are allowed to spend no questions asked from each other. So we still pool most of our money into one account but we get an "allowance" and it's an agreed upon amount for each of us to spend for the whatevers that come up. Like Dinner out with friends.

The other option I've seen is to put all your expenses in a list. Add your combined monthly incomes. Then divide each of your incomes into the combined total and you'll get a multiplier for how much each of you can contribute to "half" the expenses. Obviously if your making less your going to have less leftover for spending. So, Don't forget that part of those monthly expenses are groceries/gas and not just bills/utilities/rent.

In order to fully appreciate the cost of child care you should figure out how much it costs you to work to cover the child care. I've known women who found that they were actually paying someone to watch their child so they could make .11 cents per day. Didn't take her long to stay home. However, there are others who work and the cost of sending the child to day care that day is paid for in the first hour. So it's really what you can find that's affordable for child care. Keep in mind that if you can find a in home care provider its typically less expensive than a large day care facility. The second thing I would point out to the "half is mine" hubby, is that he also must cover Half of child care. it's a monthly expense just like everything else.

Try telling him what you said here. If he has a clue maybe he can help out more. It may not work but he deserves a chance to come through for you. Sometimes guys just don't realize what is going on, they see what they have always seen and don't realize things have changed

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