How Did You Stay Sane with Multiple Kids and No Family to Help You?....

Hi Mama!!! 1st of all CONGRATS on your family!!!! I know how overwhelming it can be, because hello it is the hardest job, and you know what you are doing it and doing a super job!!! Try to be in the moment, enjoy and let a lot of everything eles go..... The messy house no big deal at all, if the clothes get washed fine if not whatever do not dwell on that stuff the most important things are YOU and your sweet babies! Everyday try to get outside for a walk even if its rainy, cold whatever GO OUTSIDE, and bring your camera!! Also tell your husband that he needs to help, sorry love homework can wait I need to take a long hot relaxing bath or whatever it is that helps ya relax! But really tell him those are his childern and regardless of whatever eles he has going on you guys are number one!Do you go to church, if so maybe see if there is a nice older woman or younger girl that would be willing to help out! Just remember the time you spend with your kids is something you will never regret, and just telling or asking for help is the best thing you can do most people are too busy thinkin about themselves to even guess you might need something...... You are awesome, take some deep breaths and smile!!! if I can do anything let me know! xoxoxo J.

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G., I know you have received many responses but I want to tell you that your are right, this too shall pass. I was in the same boat as you. Even though my husband's family lives in town, we feel like we are on a stranded island. I have a 6yr old and a 19 month old. Especially when my second child was born, I was very overwhelmed. I also like my 'me' time, it makes me a better mom. I work part-time and my older son is in school so I have child care for the little one and school for the older one that allows me to have some quiet time. Would it be possible for you to have a babysitter once a week for a few hours so you can get out, work around the house or rest? How about trading babysitting with a friend? What about a part-time job (when the baby is older of course)? Working allows me to be me and allows me to interact with other adults. I love my kids greatly but working gives me an outlet. After a few days without quiet time, I start to get very stressed out. You can do this. Just take it one day at a time, you have a lot going on right now and probably very sleep deprived. Before you know it, you'll look back at this time and think it really wasn't that bad. You are definately not alone, keep asking for words of encouragement whenever you need to and don't forget it will only get better. I wish you the best.

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Hang in there mommy, this will pass. Your baby is still so new and still adjusting and so are you. Cut yourself some slack on the housework, for goodness sake. Your four year old can help with the toys/clutter. Invest in some paper plates, just for a week or two to cut down on dishes to wash. Give yourself permission to take it easy. I do think a swing will help if you can borrow one from someone - it was a lifesaver for me.

I am blessed to have a wonderful supportive husband, two sisters nearby and good friends. But I moved here with a newborn, then had another one since then. I have four total. It's still hard to have what you need WHEN you need it. I have a four year old son if you would like to bring yours over to play sometime just to get him out of the house for some bonding time with your baby.

You can do this. You are not alone!!

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We just moved to PHX a year or so ago, and we have no family or friends here quite yet. I have five children fiveand under- one was born only recently. I am taking meds for PPD as a precaution due to PPD in a past pg. i am currently sitting next to a full couch of laundry ready to fold( actually, I folded it once already, nice neat piles on the coffee table and couch- it was knocked down and spread around the living room by my 20 month old by the time I got out the shower- dh was digging something out of the closet and turned his back for just a minute- you get the picture!) I have dishes in the sink to wash from snacks last night and today still, and the baby was crying to be nursed all morning and early afternoon. It's almost dinnertime and i just got dressed and fixed my hair from the morning shower so dh won't ask what happened to his wife when confronted by the frizzy blonde with dark circles and pjs with spit up and jelly on them greets him at the door- or rather, holding the baby,and refereeing the other four while hollering for help with something.:)( grin) So clean sweatpants(more comfy for my still healing C section scar- jeans can wait) and a clean T shirt with clean and DONE hair, some blush and deodorant( praise the lord) will have to do right now! Did I mention I feel great since a shower and out of my pjs??? LOL THAT is an accomplishment! Forget the laundryand dishes! Anyway, I am taking my me time while the baby is finally asleep, and the other kids are playing on the floor or in the their rooms. I usually put the kids to bed around 9 and then clean up what will start me off with a bad mood if I have to wake up to it- usually dishes, a dirty floor, and clutter on counters or tables- so I make sure I get my pet peeves done before i sit down- because once I sit down at the end of the day- I am pretty much exhausted. Whatever can absolutely wait I work on for five minutes at a time on the timer throughout the day and it keeps things under control. My husband runs a bunch of laundry loads when he is home and I fold them and put them away- so far I have yet to do my end of the deal so we are fishing our clothes off the couch for this morning- LOL. i know how you feel and if there is anything else I can do, let me know!

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I completely understand your situation.
I was in a SMALL town in Tx. when my 3 kids were little with no family, no friends and my hubby (within 6 months of moving there!) was sent to NC. ... for 2 years (was supposed to be just 9 months... you know how that is!) and the town turned their back to newcomers. I was completely depressed and I was stuck in that situation for 3 1/2 years. I just got into my car and drove to TN. (where my twin lived) every weekend I could and I ran from the town as often as possible. I got a whole 3 chances to go out in 4 years. BUT, I got just as little time out when I lived near HIS family in Fl. ... they didn't "babysit" including his Mother. ONLY on my husbands birthday did she watch MY children.
I got over it with time and now my kids are 21,18 and 15 and I do what I want :-) I am sooo sorry you are going through this and even though your husband is busy he needs to set aside (at least) one hour a day for the kids (both) and give you that time. This is for HIS benefit,too, not just for your sanity. He will regret being "too busy" and when the kids need someone to talk to and they won't tell him or he wants someone to go skydiving with and his children aren't interested... remind him to think about all the benefits of being there NOW.

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Check out www.flylady.net . She has a system for setting up routines to keep your house clean enough and is all about doing things for 15 min at a time. Good luck! I know it's hard.

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Little boys can be a challenge - my first two sons were 16 months apart - time to yourself is very valuable and not something you should feel guilty about needing - are there any teenage girls in your church or neighborhood area with babysitting experience? Look for someone that can come over for a few hours at a time while you are there (at first) - pay them a few dollars an hour to help you take care of the kids while you do some cleaning/laundry/etc. - when you feel comfortable that the kids are comfortable and confident about the sitter being with your kids, make a hair or massage appointment and have a little time to yourself - make it a routine and you will soon not need drugs - I am a certified herbal consultant and could direct you to some natural alternatives to pharmaceuticals for the conditions you listed - feel free to contact me if you are interested in more information - be happy and you will be well in all ways - good luck.

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I am so on the same page with you. It is hard. Being a FT mom in today's day and age is harder than working 90 hr weeks, in the corporate world. Been there and done that and have the experiences to compare. I think I figure out why.

I couldn't think of any job out there, other than mommy, where the demands on your physical, emotional and mental abilities are required 100% of the time, when you are caring for the kids, at 100% levels.

What I mean, working in corporate world, I used my mental capacity (thinking, analytical,problem solving, judgement, etc) the whole time I was working at nearly full capacity (some tired days, or some reading email days, not 100%). Maybe I was plugged in emotionally a little, bit, but far from 100%, and I was definitely not doing a whole lot physically (sitting most of the time in meetings, behind a desk, little walking).

With a child (even more so with 2) there is no down time, we are plugged in 100% from all 3 perspectives. We love our kids, so we always want to say the right things, do the right things = 100% mental usage. We are physically active, between cleaning, laundry, games, lifting kids, and moving toys from the entire house back to where they belong, we are as close to 100% active as we can be, considering the other demands on our body/mind. Of course emotionally, let's not forget, we are 100% using the emotions, from tending to pain cry, or sad cry or just want attention cry, we always do our best to accomodate them/care for them.

No wonder we feel drained and exhausted. So, yes. the house won't be in order, things will never stop coming and we will forefer feel tired. Think about it, we do the jobs of at least 9 people that I can think of, dry cleaners, maids, cooks, nannies, escorts, drivers, assistants/organizers, psychologists (for our family members, even some friends), personal shoppers. I am sure we can think of more, if we really set our minds to it. Is it a wonder we're pooped?!

By asking the question above, and by thinking this way proves that you care and that you are a great mom. Hang in there. The things that help me the most are keeping a schedule as much as possible (sometimes it's very challenging), and keeping routines as much as possible - bedtime routine being the most important. If you can keep the routines (can be as simple, as dinner, bath, book, prayer), then you can work up to everyone down by 8:30, which leaves 8:30-11, as mommy time. You can take bubble baths, or at least a warm shower, reading somehting you enjoy, working out (but watch out, because your adrenaline may shoot up and you may not be able to fall asleep easily after that), watching your favorite shows (tevo and recordings come in handy), or even cleanin in peace and quiet (it's amazing how good that can feel, when you are used to constantly be doing it in a rush.) If you are a morning person, go to bed early and get up before the kids and do stuff like that.

Hang in there and good luck.

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Hello G.,

You are not alone in this. I too, have no family here. We moved here in 2002 with 1 child at the time. My husband works for IBM and they transferred him here from CA. My family is 12 hours away and we go to visit them 2 times a year. I have a 3 year old and a 8 year old now and am also a sahm. My husband doesn't go to school at this time as he did that before we had kids. He will tell me to just go out every Weekend for a few hours and kicks me out of the house. I was also on Antidepressants for a while. I started exercising and the need for those went away. I sometimes feel trapped though, I cannot get a whole day to myself no matter what. I think I went 3 years without even a few hour break before we decided that I needed to get out of the house on my own without the kids every now and then.

I know all about not keeping up with housework. My house is a mess most of the time too. Unless you totally ignore your kids, it is a battle to get it all done. What I do is work on 1 room a day. My 3 year old helps me pick up his toys and then I vacuum when it comes to the front rooms. You said you have a 4 year old. I hope he helps some in this way as well. We started clean up time at 1-1/2 years old with both our kids and it has worked out pretty well. They hit rebellious stages every now and then, but it comes and goes. Laundry is something that never ends no matter what. I just take care of it as I can and don't worry about what I cannot do.

When a baby is that young, you should cater to the crying and get the bonding time in. My second son was the same way. I just drop what I am doing and put him in a sling or the front carrier and then I would continue on with what I was doing. The carrier and the sling helped me greatly. That way the baby is close to you and he feels your presence and is less likely to cry unless he's hungry. If you start feeling like you need time away. Maybe find a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday that your husband can take a few hours out of his schedule and take off for an hour or two.

I hope you feel better soon.

D. P.

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Take many deep breaths. Thats how you get throught it. I know its going to sound impossible, but you need to take care of you too. You should not feel even a little guilty for wanting some "you" time. You mentioned you had a few friends here. Do you think one of them would be willing to watch your little ones for even an hour while you go out for some coffee? Then you could do an exchange and you could watch their kids. I used to look forward to grocery shopping. It seemed like the only time I had to myself, where someone didn't need me for something. A trip to the store for milk can take as long as you need it to when you have to walk the aisles for some quiet time. (wink, wink) Your house? Can't help you with that one. I have four young children, and I am learning to accept my house in all its messy, lived in glory. I have not learned to be a supermom. I am not one of those women who have the floor mopped and clean everyday. I have learned that dishes can stay by the sink and laundry in a pile. Maybe if it is that important to you, you can exchange kid time for cleaning time instead of a coffee or shopping time. I also learned to start wearing my baby when we had number three. That made things a bit easier too. I could wear her in a sling or a wrap and stand at the sink or even sit at the computer. Try not to feel guilty about couple time either, That will come. It sounds like you both have your hands full. It will get easier. Your baby is only a month old. Nobody I know in real life has been one hundred percent so soon after giving birth. Plus you said you had health issues? Your strength will return soon enough, go a bit easier on yourself. You can't be the best mom you can be and take care of your family if you don't take care of you too. This will pass as you said. You are not alone.

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Hi G.,

Hang in there. I know it's tough but you can do it. I am sure that you feel completely overwhelmed and the last thing that you want to do is go out but I would urge you to join a Moms Club. When I had my second, my first just about went crazy because we weren't going out and she was used to all my attention. Then number two got RSV and we were separated for about a week. I joined the International Moms Club and really found it to be great. I could visit with other moms who had similar experiences and we could go to playgroups. I could relax and let my kids play because their houses were babyproofed. My kids made friends that they still have today and I made a couple of really great friends who have provided invaluable stress relief. You can trade off babysitting if you need a few hours off to get your hair cut or go to the doctor or just take a nap. Try it. It really worked for me. If you want more info just email me and are from ABQ, I can help you find a group or you can go on the International Moms Club website. - Good luck and God bless, R.

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I know where you are coming from. My family is a military family. His family is in Oregon and mine is in Louisiana. We have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. They are so young and both very needy and always fighting for attention. On weekends, my husband and I take turns going to the movies. I know your husband is busy. I was working 55hrs a week and managed to get my degree while I was pregnant with the baby. With everything going on, we still managed to support each other. If one of us needed a few hours, we would go see a movie while the other watched the kids. We each tried to see a movie every week. I've been a SAHM for two months and I feel the pain mothers experience. It was so difficult working and being a mother (which is why i quit) but I always had somewhere to go on Monday after a really demanding weekend with the kids. SAHM don't have that. DO NOT feel guilty for asking for 2 or 3 hrs one day to go shopping, see a movie or just have a nice quiet meal alone. I see so many mothers running themselves into the mud thinking they are doing what is best for the family. You aren't. Your family deserves you happy and healthy.
I love baths. When my children nap, or if I can talk to my husband into taking them to the park, I'll grab a magazine and sit in a hot tub for a while. I'm not sure if your 4yr old naps, but maybe you can talk your husband into taking them into the backyard so you can have a bath and relax.
A babysitter for just a few hours every now and then could be really nice too.
As for the clean house, I've decided its impossible with a toddler to keep a clean house. I have no idea if there is some secret my mother never told me. Its tough. You are not alone. You are not a bad mother for needing time.

You are not alone in this. I think every stay at home mom feels overwhelmed. I remember when my oldest were babies and the new born slept for 10 to 20 mins max during the day. I felt like I was going to have a break-down! Even with money too tight to hire a babysitter you must find a way to get time for yourself. Try joining a church. Even if you are not religious you can go and find friends and support. Many churchs offer mother's-day-out programs and also play groups. Make some friends with mom's so you have someone to talk to. You are not being the mom you should be if you are not taking care of yourself. Don't feel guilty that you need time away from your kids. We all do! Good luck to you!

We must be neighbors! LOL 'Cause that totally sounds like my life!

First- congrats on the birth of your newest baby!

I have a 6 YO DD, 3 YO DD, and DS will be 2 next month and my days are jam packed. My husband works during the day (leaves at 6:30 a.m.) and 3 days a week he is at karate (until 9:30 p.m.) and the other 2 days during the week he gets home at 5:15 and I leave anywhere between 5:30-5:45 to go and teach and go to meetings (I run a business from my home.) Weekends are also full of clients for me, so family time is far and few between. My house is messy. I (serious emphasis on the I) am the one who makes sure homework is done each day. I have my day scheduled in 15 minute time blocks... I have to or I would go nuts. I wake up at 5 a.m. everyday just to get an hour of alone time... but I would definitely rather be sleeping!
But I will tell you that you can do anything in 15 minutes. I can do dishes for 15 minutes, then play with my kids for 15-30 minutes. I can switch out the laundry and my kids and I can fold and put laundry away (OK, my 3 YO doesn't fold well, but she has fun.) My kids LOVE cleaning windows (not very well, but they do it) and polishing furniture.
I also have no family in town who can help. But I have a few friends. And when I had given birth to my son, I felt very overwhelmed with a 4 YO, 18 MO and a newborn. So I asked for help... I asked my friends who offered help to do a load of dishes, vacuum, switch out laundry... things that would help me around the house. Yeah, usually when friends offer help they think they are offering a meal. But help is help, and good friends are usually willing to help with chores too. But don't be afraid to ask for help!
As for me time, well, I like to have my scented lotions and sugar scrubs so that when I do get a chance to shower (preferably without the kids, but that is rare too! LOL) I can indulge a little with some "aromatherapy" and pampering all rolled up into one! I don't get very many 3-hour time slots for me time- they are definitely few and far between... so my 15-minute pampering each day is great! Find something that you can do for yourself each day for 15 minutes... it helps.
And yes... you just gave birth a month ago. You are bound to feel overwhelmed. It's a new situation that you have to adjust to. With the additional medical issues that you have listed and and those that you may not have listed... well, you're just not operating at 100%. And you know... it's OK. Give yourself permission to operate at your below-average pace.
Also... once you are up to it, find a MOMS Club in your area, whether it's the actual MOMS Club (www.momclub.org) or another group. The MOMS Club is a group of moms in your specific area with kids. They have activities for moms and for kids, and even a MOMS Night Out once a month. It's a wonderful resource... as well as adult conversation! LOL I like to think of it like a fun support group with added benefits!

Whatever you decide to do, I know it will be a great decision that will help you as well as a your family (remember the saying, if mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy!) Take care of yourself and once again, congrats on 2 healthy, happy children!

I think every single mom has felt the way you are feeling right now!!! Even moms with a lot of help! MOTHERHOOD IS NOT FOR WIMPS :) I think you need to find a moms group ASAP. I've been involved with a couple over the years and they are a life-saver. My church offers one with FREE childcare. We meet every Thursday from 9-11, put the kids in childcare, and have social time with other moms. We eat, talk, laugh, cry, have lessons on parenting/marriage/home/health. Every mom should be in one!

Some other suggestions:

*Put yourself on a schedule Mondays=laundry/Tuesdays=floors&bathrooms/Wednesdays=grocery
*Take a class at a local community college at night (when your man can watch the kids) like yoga or kick boxing...it's cheap and it creates accountablility
*Take a bath at night when you put your kids to bed
*Wake up a little earlier than your kids and read a devotional

Good luck and GOD BLESS YOU!

It WILL all come together for you! I also had some health problems as well as severe depression after my 3rd child was born 3 months early! It is tough adjusting to another child and getting yourself healthy again! You will figure out little tricks to make the housework easier, you may want to try strapping your little one on in a harness to get a few things done around the house & keep your hands free. Also, once I was able I joined a group for post pardem (sp?) depression at the local hospital. It helped me feel not so alone and gave me tips on how to deel with the depression issues and the feelings of wanting/needing escape. I also joined a playgroup a short time after that whiched helped me to feel like I was escaping the cabin fever while still being a good mom and doing things with my kids. I was able to make some new friends in the group too which widened by limited support system and eventually we started trading off babysitting so we could take a night off to go on "dates" with our husbands! I hope this helps! Just remember that although it seems like you are only taking baby steps with the adjustments, they are steps forward all the same!

Please do not feel guilty for needing "me" time. I have found it invaluable to staying sane with one child, I can imagine that need increases with two kids.

Give yourself time for your energy level to bounce back. Giving birth is hard enough and it sounds like you had some extra difficulties. Your baby is only a month old, it's going to be a while before you feel like yourself again. Yes, your house may be messy for a while because of this. Is there any possibility of hiring a cleaning service for a few months while you heal? Having something taken off your shoulders would help tremendously with your outlook on life.

I don't have family around either and it is very hard. A friend who is like a mom to me retired when my son was a year old and my life has improved tremendously since then because of her help. Do your friends know how awful you are feeling right now? Even with my own family and life obligations, I would rearrange things for a friend in your situation. Just ask for help and promise to return the favor when you get to a better place. If you have the means, hire a babysitter a few hours/week. Even if you use the time to take a nap - just to have time that someone else is bearing the responsibility for your kids so you can have a break.

I know a lot of these things cost money and money is usually tight when you are living on one income. Take a look at your finances and see if any of these things can be done. Something has to give here and right now, the "thing" that is giving is your well being and sanity. That does not make for a happy household, as you know all too well. I hope there is some solution that will give you some time, because you need and deserve it. Please, take care of yourself!

I know how you feel. I am blessed in that a nice older lady of my church volunteered to take my kids for one day a week for about 3 hours or so. I get some time for me and that little bit helps a lot.

Don't worry, your feelings are normal. Your husband needs to take BOTH kids on occasion somewhere so you can either get the house back in order or go somewhere to have some time to yourself. If you don't get ANY time to yourself, you will become a wreck and resent your husband (I divorced eventually because of this)...regardless if he is busy, you are "working" non-stop full-time hours. Your husband is being selfish if he can't give you one day a month to yourself.

As for the house being messy, unfortunately you just have to let it go a bit....kids grow old fast and they are your main priority....maybe you can at least get your husband to be in charge of vacuuming and mopping once a week....something to help out...believe me, the less "tired" you are, the more he will benefit at the end of the day. Guys don't get this....

Gosh I did not realize that so many other mothers where sort of living my life. The only difference is that I had to work.

After my 2nd child was born I seriously dealt with PPD and got on meds. Had to come off of them after about 5 months COLD TURKEY (it was awful), cause I got pregnant again!!

I understand the dealing with two kiddos under 4 yrs old. My children are very demanding for attention. I have found that I need to work with them on their manners, and self control. For example... if they play with toys.. its only a selected box of toys each time. Sort out a few boxes of toys, and each time they play take out a different box each time. When it is time to eat, or they don't want to play. I make them pick up all their toys and put them back in the room. That way I am not stressed out about cleaning up after them so much. It teaches them responisblity too.

I also work on them taking their plates to the kitchen when they are done eating, and push their chair in. They have their sippy cups to drink, but they have to keep them on the kitchen table, or some place the same. THat way when its empty or they want a drink we can find it.

It they jump on the couches, then they are not allowed to sit on them, and have to sit on the floor. They always seem to keep jumping, I tell them don't jump! Why momma, cause couches are for sitting?? Yes!! not for jumping. LOL. They understand more them we give them credit for.

After I get out of work, there are times that we have to take our older son to practice, and if my husband was home with them all day. I will take the younger two and strap them in the car seat and give him a break. He too will take them for a little bit, and allow me to clean up the kitchen or something else. I am still busy, but the kids are not there, and when the return I am not so stressed out, cause the house is clean.

With PPD, sharing with my friends and family helped out. I got a lot of support from them, and did not realize they too dealt with it. Going for a walk everyday seemed to help a ton!!

THe kids and I would turn on the music, and just dance. They loved it and it got my heart rate up. I refuesed to go on meds again after my thrid and final baby. Comin goff of them so cold turkey was not any fun. For my unborn baby it was worth it. Good luck. I hope I gave ya a little bit of ideas to help with the kids.

G.,
Try looking on meetup.com for some Mom's groups in your area. That helped me alot when we first moved and I have made lasting friendships for me and my children. It helps to be around other Moms that are going thru the same things you are.

I know EXECTLY what you're going through. There were times that I felt like I was having a nervous break down or a mental breakdown. I have a 3 year-old and we just had twin boys (they are 3 months old now). My husband helps out as much as he can but it's hard for ONE person alone to care for 2 infants and a demanding 3 year-old. My husband is in the military so we have no family or close friends as well. My husband travels to California one weekend each month for work so I'm left to fend for myself each month. My three-year old is going through that "No" stage where he doesn't want to do anything I ask him too. I have had moments where I just want to walk out the front door and not look back. Like I just need to quiet time alone to clear my head. There have been many times where I break down and start crying hysterically when I'm alone with the kids. I feel sorry for my husband too because I know he worries so much when he can't be home to help me. I reacently realized that I wanted to go to therapy just so I could have someone to talk to. I choose not to talk to my parents or sisters about it because they live out of state and I would hate for them to stress and worry about not being able to be here to help me. One night, a lady from my bank called because I was late on a loan payment. She was so soft spoken and kind. I told her that I was currently on maternity leave and that I have 3 kids to care for and she walked me through some options for me and my loan. Well, in between "business" talk, we talking about being a mom and having twins, etc... and it felt so good to just talk to her. She was very unbiased, very neutral, she told me she used to be a live-in Nanny. After straightening out my financial situation, I didn't want to get off the phone with her. I wanted to just keep talking. After that call, I called my husband and told him that I need to talk to someone. It helped calm me down, it helped clear my head, I never thought theraphy really worked but I'm a believer now. I haven't yet found one in my area (because I can't seem to find time to leave the house for a one hour period of time) But everytime I begin to feel overwhelmed, I think about the very short talk I had with her, and it calms my nerves. Who knew a collection call could relieve some stress!

It is hard. I found a place that I could take the kids one morning a week so that I had some time. There are a few options, I am not sure what area you live in. We go to Northwest Christian, and they have a Mom's Day Out program. It is located at 43rd Ave and Bell. There are a few options around town that give you a little break. The cost is pretty reasonable and I get about 3 hours to myself.
Don't feel guilty, we have been there and felt bad about it too, but it is totally normal

You are not alone. Many, many moms have been there and survived! I would put my baby in a front carrier to get some house work done. I would vacuume or mop. It wouldn't be the best job, but it was done. I felt like I at least accomplished something for the day. Could you hire a neighborhood kid to come over to play with the kids for an hour or so while you get some chores done? You don't get much alone time, but you would get some thing done. I know with me, a clean house helps my sanity. When the kids go to bed STOP everything and take a shower, get a bath, grab a book, or whatever suits your liking and go to a quiet place in the house. Whatever doesn't get done today, there is always tomorrow. No one really cares what your house looks like. It will get better. Hang in there.

Can you afford a baby sitter or a house cleaner? Maybe you guys could make a sacrifice and get one of these if not both to help you a little bit. I hear you, I just have one baby and sometimes I think that I'm going crazy. Hang in there.

Join your local moms club -- it will change your life! Everyone in the club feels the way that you do or has felt that way at some point so they are extremely supportive! You can find the chapter closest to you by going to momsclub.org. There is a link to local clubs websites at the bottom of the page. Just know that you are not alone and there is a club designed just for you at this point in your life. They put together a calendar of events and members can go to as much or as little as they like. All events are for you and your children with the exception of a much needed Moms Night Out once a month. I highly recommend it!! Good luck!

G.,
First, it will get better!!! I went through the same thing with my second baby...it's so overwhelming at first with two! At my son's one month appointment my pediatrician talked me through a ton of issues (I love her!!) after the second month something just seems to change ( my other friend went through this right after me and she felt the same way!) it seems to come together slowly and then you don't even remember how you used to feel! I think that we are able to devote so much to our 1st born that we feel guilty not being able to with our 2nd. but that's just the way it is! I am a sahm too and that in itself can be overwhelming with not getting out of the house, but you do need YOU time and that's ok! make time for yourself (even if it's just 1 hour) I try to go to dinner with my girlfriends once a week when my husband gets home in time to watch the kids and that really helps me. Girl time and me time wrapped into one. :) I can really relate to you on this subject, and I can promise that it gets so much better! my son is 8 months now and we couldn't be happier! If you need to talk more, email me directly and I will be happy to get back to you...i would have loved to hear from someone during that time of my life :) good luck and take care!
J.

I also had postpartum depression and I can tell you that you DO need to find some way to get a break. My husband wasn't taking evening classes, but one night he came home from work I told him I was leaving for some alone time. I didn't clear it with him first, I didn't want him to have an excuse as to why he couldn't watch both kids. And I left. I just went and sat in a movie theater...I don't even remember the movie! I just forced time for me. It helped tremendously!!

MAKE time for you!

Do not feel guilty for your feelings of needing ME time.
Do not worry about your house being a mess. Let standards slide a bit until you recover and your littlest gets into a predictable routine. Do you have a swing? My littlest preferred to sleep in a swing until he was about 4 months (and it didn't start a pattern that I had to break! He just needed motion for that time. And that's just how he slept for more than 20 min)

I have a four-year-old and one-year-old(next week is his birthday). I felt the same way when little one was born and I actually had a support system at that time. Now we live away from friends and family and it can get overwhelming.

We need to exchange childcare. I'll watch yours one day, you watch mine another. That's the kind of thing that would work for moms like us.

Another thing I have learned from experience: Don't be afraid to ask your husband for help. Don't spring it on him, though. Tell him that next Saturday from 9am til noon you are doing XYZ and he will watch the kids. Assure him that you won't be far away, but that you are going to bust if you don't take that time for yourself.

____@____.com is my address. ###-###-#### is my cell I will be your support system! We need each other!
N.

I can relate to your situation. I was in that same boat 2 years ago. My husband was in a very demanding program at school, we lived out of state where we didn't know anyone. I was home all day and sometimes all night with my 2 year old and my newborn. At first it was very difficult and lonely. I had to force myself and get out and do anything even if it was just going to the park for an hour, but it helped. Don't worry about the messy house. You will have time to clean it eventually. It seems it wasn't until my baby was about 4 months old and on a better schedule that life got back to normal for us. I could finally manage to get some things done. A great support was my church. Going every Sunday, making friends and meeting others in my shoes was such a blessing. We have moved a lot so going to church is the one place where I can feel like home and have instant friends and people who care. It becomes our family. I promise it will get better. Hang in there.

I only have one child, but I understand the needing to stay sane and get some time to myself. My family is also 2000 miles away from here, and I was a single mom for the first year (my son is 20 mos. old now). I occasionally hire a babysitter for a night out, or after my son goes to bed, take a nice soothing bubble bath. You shouldn't feel guilty about needing some "me" time every once in awhile. I think it's totally normal. Hang in there. It'll get better once the baby starts sleeping thru the night and you aren't so sleep deprived. I also found that sometimes I had to put my son in the bouncy seat in the bathroom next to the tub so I could get a shower or you might try getting a baby bjorn or other baby carrier and carrying him around in it as you do your housework. It does get easier :)

Your life sounds exactly like mine. My friends are all busy with their lives and I have no family to help.

Whatever your feeling, remember, this too shall pass.

Just an observation, you're on anti-depressants, but have you considered exercise as well, to stimulate your 'good endorphins'?

My 'me time' is a trip to the doctor or dentist! It's okay...you're not alone!

Your husbands sounds great...working full time and trying to better his life to help the family.

Counting your blessings each day can help.

Choosing to be positive instead of negative.

It is what it is...we can't change it, can we?

I do everything in increments now. Nothing is really ever done, I notice. Chores, paperwork, etc...it all piles up and is done in increments.

They aren't little forever.

Also...with a newborn, your hormones are still surging. Your sadness could be related to being post-partum.

Eat right and get some exercise. If your friends are busy...call a friend up to talk on phone! If there's no one to call...reach out on mamasource. Make a new friend.

My life is so hard right now...no help from family w/ a 3 and a 5 year old. House is a mess, I'm behind in everything. Husband works two jobs...

But if I flip it around:

I have two healthy children whom I love more than anything on this earth. I have a husband who works hard to put food on the table and he loves me! I love him. I have a home and a car and I could go on. I'm not alone.

Next thing you know, your kids are off to college and your packing their trunks and all that me time...you'll have it then!

Throw your one month old in a good carrier (gypsymama wrap, ergo, beco) so you have your hands free. Then, you can do laundry, cook, clean, and play with your other child while baby is happy and close.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! I have 2 small kiddos too (20 months and 3.5). I am also on Lexapro for anxiety and depression. I had feelings of wanting to walk away from it all because I felt that I was too angry, sad, whatever...that my family deserved better...that it would be better if I just left. My husband is incredible and would help with anything if I needed it. We have no family here either and all of our friends have small kids or "lives" of their own. So believe me...I feel your pain.

First, don't be ashamed of wanting some time for yourself. Sometimes, I hide in the bathroom just to get a bit of "me" time!!!! :) It will get better...I know it feels like you are being pulled in 800 directions right now...especially since you have a small baby. The dirty house was such an issue for me!! I felt like it was part of my "wifely/motherly" duties to clean the house. Turns out, my husband could care less...he just wanted us to all be happy. Now, I wash the dishes ONCE a day. I pick up toys ONCE a day (with the kids help). I do big chores (mopping, vacuuming, bathrooms, etc) at separate times. One day vaccuum, next day mop, next day bathrooms. It's hard to let go of the constant cleaning but you have so many other things to deal with.
I hope this helps a little knowing you are FAR from being alone in all this. Email me sometime if you just need to vent!!! Are you in NM???

Hello,
Life with kids is a constant balancing act. The kids come first, but your needs are important too. If you are feeling good, than you cannot be the best Mom and Wife to your family. You need down time and fun time too! The balancing act has to be done by your husband also. It sounds to me like he has too much right now. Maybe he should cut the class down to one, so that you can have some time to recoup or go out with the girls. If you have some health issues, he should be helping out more, so that you don't get worse and then your family would be in a hard spot if you could not take care of them. It is hard to keep the house clean when you have little ones. It is good to have a schedule for the kids so they get used to expecting the same things everyday. I always played with them in the morning, then after lunch, it was nap time and /or quiet time where they played by themselves for a little while. Your baby should be sleeping longer than 20 minutes. Read some books on the subject and see what works for you. Maybe there is something physical going on with him if he cannot sleep longer, like reflux, etc.

Everything you're feeling is completely NORMAL! DON'T FEEL GUILTY! My best advice to you is to join a mom's group. The mom's group I belong to is amazing. They are very supportive and we have activities we do with the kids, some are for mom's only, and some that are for the whole family! I live in a very small town but most of the people are military. Once they really get to know eachother in the group they trade off babysitting for eachother. (I'm lucky that I do have family here and older, retired friends that I can count on.) My group has kept me sane! I found the group from a mutual acquittance, but we use a website called meetup.com I wonder if you could use that to do a search for one in your area. Another good way to meet other mom's is to go the mall play place or the park and just start talking to mom's you see that have kids that are your children's ages or mom's that just look like someone you might have something in common with. It was very hard for me at first because most of my friends all work and I was alone all day with little ones and no one to really talk to. Once I got out there and just started talking to the mom's sitting near me at the play place it was much better. If I talked to them for a while and felt comfortable with them or that we had things in common I would suggest to them that maybe we could meet there or another park and let the kids play. If after talking to someone for a while you don't really think you'd get a long then that's it and you go you're separate ways! Just be careful meeting new people and going to their house! That always scared me and I would keep it in public places till I really got to know them.

As for your cleaning your house, leave it be! Do what you have to and ask your husband for help. As long as the kids are taken care of who cares about the rest! You're only one month postpartum. That is still early and you are being too hard on yourself, especially if you had other medical problems! You need to take it easy and relax so you can heal. It will make you a better mother! My oldest son is 4yrs. also and there's lots he can do to help. Ask your son to do little tasks. It will help you and make him feel like a very important big helper and big brother! As for the crying it out thing, you will learn very quickly that it is VERY different with your second! You can't do everything you did for your first! I'm still struggling with that and my youngest is now 16 months! With my first son it would make me so sad to hear him cry (which he did all the time if he wasn't being held) and I would constantly have to hold him. When my second came along I really had to change some things and get thicker skin when it came to the crying! You're a mother of two now and you're going to be pulled in two different directions! It's impossible to make things equal and feel like you're not cheating one or the other! Now that my oldest goes to pre-k for a few hours a day I try to make that my special one-on-one time with the baby. When Daddy is home we try to take turns taking out our oldest out by himself and making a big deal about it. Even if we just go to the store! Can you look into a pre-k or something similar for your oldest so that you can have some time with just the baby and maybe get some sleep? My swing was my savior with both my kids. We had the Fisher Price Aquarium Cradle swing and both my kids would go right to sleep in it. I know you're not supposed to have them in the swing that much, but I put it right beside my bed and that way we both got some sleep. In the beginning it was the only way I could get more than 30 mins. of sleep at a time!

Well I've rambled on enough. But I hope it was at least somewhat helpful! What you're feeling is very normal and it will get better. There are still days I feel like I just want to run away. Don't feel guilty about wanting some time to yourself. You need it! Arrange a time when your husband is home to just go out and get a pedicure or something like that. It doesn't even have to be a long time away, but you will come back and be refreshed when you had some time to yourself. Another thing we did was that I locked myself in my room and slept while my husband took the kids to another part of the house and kept them as quiet as he could! If you can get a sitter you also need some time alone with your husband! If you can't get a sitter, try and get the kids down early and do something special for just the two of you! Ask your husband to plan something nice! Email me if you just need to talk! It will get better and as you start feeling better and healing it will get a little easier! Don't be so hard on yourself!

J.
16 mos. son, 4 yr. old son, mostly a SAHM, married to my wonderful husband for 7yrs.

Hey G.,

You are not alone. I feel the same way too. I have almost 5 year-old girl, almost 3 year-old girl and due with another in a couple of weeks. I have no family at all to help me around, and my husband is a pilot. He just came home from almost 2 months of training, so I know how you feel. I have been going crazy myself. I have few friends but they too have their own lives and families and I don't want to bother them. But one of my friends has been watching them for a few hours at least once a week and that helps a little. Few times I dropped them off at a babysitter and just went to the movies or went and sat in a coffee shop and read. When I'm alone, I try to take them to places where they can ran around (like McDonalds or the mall) and I can just sit down and watch them. I also started taking them for a walk and to the park in the evening when it cools off. It gives me a little exercize and the kids can play in the park with other kids for a while (and get tired). plus, you can meet some moms there too and have a conversation. You can also try to find out if there is a mom's club in your area. This way you can meet other moms and kids in your area. If you're interested, there is a exercise group for moms and it's great. Right now I don't go, but it is called stroller strides (you can check the website) that meets in Peoria and Surpise every day of the week for one hour and it's great. I know they have them in other areas, too. The only thing is there is a membership fee involved and a monthly fee.

Don't feel alone. Your kids will grow up very quickly and it will pass. Good luck, and if you need to a friend, e-mail me at ____@____.com. Maybe we can set up a playdate for the kids and complain together:)