How Can I Market Myself and My Daughter to Other Moms?

I too find it odd that parents ask this.....

In any sense, they are probably just looking for families to do a 'family play date' where the parents also socialize while the kids play.

Families are pretty busy, so I would just use that and say , ' gosh it gets so busy...I am happy we can just get the kids together' and wait until YOU know them well enough so that the separation issue can be brought up and not judged.

Otherwise I agree with the other posters that indicate it may be how you are coming across.

every time you start to meet the parents of your child?

i'm assuming you mean the parents of OTHER children?

i dunno. this seems odd to me. single parents aren't much of a rarity any more, and i find it a bit off-putting that you look at socializing as 'marketing.'

although i guess i can see the metaphor.

i sincerely doubt it's your single status that's causing folks to back away. i suggest you look carefully and without pre-judgment at other behaviors you may be exhibiting that are deflecting potential friendships. who do you have in your life who will be kind and honest with you? a bestie? a parent? a sibling? sit down with them and have a heart-to-heart about what it is about you that's turning people off.

marital status is rarely an issue, at least not across the board. it might make one or two insecure married chicks give you a wide berth, but it if it's happening regularly and your daughter's social life is suffering, you need to look harder.
khairete
S.

I can tell you that growing up, I was just about the only one of all my friends that had a single mother. It never made a difference in any of my friendships that my mom was single. Granted my mother never tried starting up conversations with the other parents much, nor did she ever get to the point where by friends' parents would ask about her relationship status. That kind of talk would be considered rude with people she barely knew.
My advice? Back off and let your daughter establish her own friendships. There's no "us" when it comes to her making her own friends. You don't have to be friendly with her friends parents. Your life is none of their business.

ETA: I do not agree that this issue is because your daughter is an only child. That's crazy. Any child with or without siblings can wear out a welcome on friends. Please do not buy into that load of BS.

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I don't see this as "marketing" yourself and your daughter. You are not a business trying to sell something.

I am married, almost 27 years with a 20 year old and I have plenty of friends who are divorced, separated, etc and I think nothing of it. Most people in my area do not judge based on marital status.

My husband has always been in sales and been away from home 2-4 nights a week so many people thought I was a single mom until they saw hubby showing up for every event there was at the school to support our daughter.

I volunteered a LOT at the school. So much so that I ended up substitute teaching at the elementary and I'm in year #15 of subbing.

You do not "owe" anyone any explanation of your personal life. Just be yourself, network, volunteer, spend time at the park, at school and other activities where you are interacting with other parents and children.

HOWEVER, if someone introduced themselves to me and started out trying to "market"/sell yourself to me, then I would have red flags. I would wonder why someone feels the need to sell themselves to me.

Your daughter is in school, allow her to make friends. When she makes friends and starts play dates and such allow it to happen without making excuses for yourself and for her. There is nothing wrong with being a single mom who has her priorities set for her child. I would think some people would look up to you and respect you more for putting your child first and giving her a stable home.

Best wishes to you.

There must be some way in which this conversation has become awkward with other parents.

Here's another perspective:
Truth: I'm a bit overweight right now. Now, this isn't one of those off-putting things, necessarily-- I still look nice and take care of myself. But lets say that some mom starts talking about running or working out. I can say "oh, cool" or I can turn it around and make it about me. "Well, I do spend time on my exercise bike and it's not like I'm sitting around all the time." Trying to prove that I'm a good person even with some extra pounds.

What is happening in that conversation? I'm completely projecting my own self-consciousness about my figure onto someone else. It would be easy for them to think that I was jumping to the conclusion that they are actually being judgmental. Now I just put *them* in the weird position of having to reassure me that I'm okay and that they think I'm fine.

Which is crazy because what adult wants to babysit the emotions of another adult? I share my triumphs with my close friends, as well as my struggles, but it's not something for me to put on acquaintances.

Stop trying to do or say anything. Maybe say less? When I was a nanny, one of my clients went through a pretty ugly divorce. When her child was ready for preschool, she asked for advice. I encouraged this woman to give 'just the facts' to the school staff and preschool teachers. We don't want to hear the extras. And we don't want to have to validate other adults who are just living their lives, like we all are. If you find that this is off-putting to other parents, think about what message you are putting out/across. The fact that you think another couple is on the defense against you stealing her man is a very juvenile way to look at the situation. Maybe they carpooled? Maybe one of their work schedules changed. Maybe you are assuming a lot of outside judgment when you are the one making this hard for yourself and others?

Maybe you're trying too hard. If I met you, I'd probably like you. But then if I asked if you and your husband would be at the next PTA meeting, and if you told me you are separated but don't date and don't bring strange men home and that you won't be a bad influence, I'd wonder what that was about. It would seem the same as if I were speaking to someone who replied to my invitation to a picnic by saying "but don't worry, I don't drink too much, and I won't get drunk and I haven't had any DUIs in years". That would make me wonder: why is that person defending herself to such an extent? I didn't even ask about drunkenness.

Don't market yourself. If - and only if - the question comes up, just say "no, it's just me and my daughter." And then carry on with the conversation at hand. "Would you like me to make cupcakes and cookies for the bake sale, or just cookies?" "Oh, when your daughter comes over to play, are there any food allergies I should be aware of?"

Sometimes putting a positive spin on something means not making a big deal of it. This isn't the 1890s. You don't need to defend being a single mom. Simply demonstrate that you're reliable, friendly, helpful, and polite, and the friends will come.

I would give your answer, "We're separated," and then change the subject to something like, "My daughter says yours just got in the school musical. She must be so excited!" Turn it back to them. Don't explain your situation in any detail. It's none of their business.

Separate yourself from your daughter's friendships. Drop her off when you can. It's kind of like dating ... if you're not too needy, you're more attractive.

It's not always easy to bond with other parents. In my case, I'm an older mom, so younger moms don't tend to give me a chance. I've accepted that. When my kids make new friends, I never assume I'll connect with the parents. The focus is more on the kids and their friends. If I become friends with the parents, added bonus.

This is really odd. I've never had a parent ask me anything close to, "So when will I meet your husband?" What a strange question.

I think the time has come to act casual. "So, when will I meet your husband?" My response would be, "Sorry, there's no husband. It's just me and 'Stacy,'" or, "No husband here, but I'd love to meet yours. What did you say his name was?" or "What does he do again?" Turn the conversation back onto the other person.

When a situation makes you uncomfortable or you feel like you've done something wrong or are being judged, it is normal to overcompensate. Here's the thing, you are way overcompensating when you try to convince them that their child is perfectly safe with you. That is just so much more information than anyone wants or needs to know, and it does scare people off.

You are probably a fabulous mom and would make a very good friend. Try to relax and just be yourself. Don't try to defend or explain. Just be. People will notice that.

I agree with Suz about looking honestly at yourself. This whole post is written as if you are a package deal and if that is how you feel, that is what you project, and at your daughter's age no one wants to hang out with mom was well. I would tell my kids, pick a friend who's mom isn't so needy please.

Are you really separated and not divorced? Were you never married? That is a very odd way to put your status, it implies you were married but didn't bother to divorce and that is a can of worms I wouldn't touch. All the women I know the answer is either, we are divorced, we were never married and aren't together, or simply he is my ex.

I was divorced four years before I met my husband, no one treated me or my children differently. Even when my husband lived with us for a year before we were married no one treated us differently and a lot of people do flip over that one for some reason. Being a single mom just isn't a big deal anymore.
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I just want to add because so many people find the when do we meet your husband so odd. At least in my case I got that a lot when I was actually married to my kid's father. Four kids, two playing at least two sports a season, one playing club as well, student activities..... They wanted to see this man who does nothing. Most couples help each other and when they don't see one, when do we meet your husband, is apparently code for, we never see your husband.

Are you offering up too much personal information? I would be a bit uncomfortable if someone started telling me about their status - not that I would ask, but if someone asked innocently enough, and you launched into an explanation, it could be a turn off.

You don't owe anyone an explanation. I just wouldn't go there. I'd just say it's just you and your daughter if asked. Saying you don't bring men home ... honestly, I wouldn't know what to say if someone I just met said that to me. That's p-r-I-v-a-t-e info! Don't feel you need to share that.

And talking to dads can be awkward. My husband does a lot of the driving since I'm disabled a lot of the time and he even volunteers at the school. The moms who know him and us are very comfortable with him and know he's just a hands-on dad. But there has been the odd mom who just isn't ok talking to a man. He's cool with that.

There will be the odd person who has an issue with you being separated. That's their issue. If they can't see past that, they are losing out. You have to let those ones go.

Just focus on your daughter for now and not about marketing yourself as you say. The best friendships are the ones that happen naturally and are good fits.

Good luck :)

This all sounds very odd. I don't think a parent ever asked me about my marital status, that's just weird.
Are you "trying too hard" do you think? Or sharing TMI up front? I know I'd be put off by some adult I just met giving me their relationship history.
Let your daughter make her own friends and step back. You don't need to be friends with someone just because your kids happen to be friends. All you need to do is say hi to the parents, and make sure any home your sending her to for a play date is reasonably safe. I mean, sure it's nice when you can be friends but often kids' friendships don't last over the years anyway, and then it can get awkward.

I'm not clear what it is that is happening. You daughter is in 4th grade, right? So, 9 or maybe 10 years old. I'm not sure why your marital status comes up at all, really. I get that a random parent might ask about "your husband", but after how many years at this school, and how many events, don't you start seeing the same parents? Aren't they already aware of your status? So why is it coming up?

And as others mentioned, there is likely some other reason that you are not perceiving. Do you talk too much? Are you trying too hard? Are you defensive when your spouse (or non-spouse) is mentioned? And as another poster mentioned, "separated" is sort of a loaded word. It does imply drama. It implies upheaval. And instability. And private matters. And nobody wants to ask about that.... and probably don't want to appear rude or insensitive, either. It's easier to ignore completely. But if they instigate contact with you, they can't ignore it. Or at least, they imagine it will come up. Will planning a play date with you mean involving this mystery dad who nobody has met?
Sure it's judgy, but nobody has time for additional drama, and nobody wants to involve their kid in in someone else's drama, either.

So. Take a long hard look at what you present to these other parents. It is NOT a package deal. It's your daughter. You are just a chauffer. Stop looking for friends to hang out with among the other parents (sadly, that doesn't look like it's going to happen for you) and make friendships elsewhere unrelated to your daughter's friendships. Sure, it makes a nice tidy package if they could all be the same people. But that is not happening here. So, move on from that idea.

Make your interactions with fellow parents about the children only. Because those are who have relationships with one another--the kids. Save your personal relationship building for your own friendships. Elsewhere.

Maybe in time things will change. But they might not, and you should be prepared for that. Let your daughter invite her friends to your home or out for a movie or playdates or whatever. Let her give the kid a written invitation for whatever it is with your phone number and a note to call to discuss any details or whatever. But keep it focused on the kids.

And as for the dad who no longer picks up his kid, his wife does it now. There is nothing wrong with that and doesn't imply any issues with either of them. They are a smart couple in my book. They are protecting their marriage, by avoiding even the risk of the appearance of impropriety--the start of all rumors. They are avoiding drama.
Which is another checkmark for me that you are projecting something you don't realize you are projecting.

ETA - Reading below: I agree with the others that you are probably offering far too much up front. It would be really awkward if someone answered a simple question with a novel, and if it's really true that people immediately become quiet and distant after your response to this question, then you must consider how you are responding to it. I think you probably need to keep your response much simpler and lighter. It's not a job interview, you don't have to explain everything. People might be thinking, 'Oh no, one of those people who talks on and on about themselves, and never listens to other people.' That's a turn-off.

Orig.: I think it's probably not because they are judging you, but because they think they won't have as much in common with a single parent. People tend to hang out with people who are similar to themselves, so they will have more in common.

When I look back, I knew plenty of single parents, and I didn't judge them negatively, but I didn't tend to hang out with them. I never judged my kids' friends on the basis of their parents' marital status, and I don't think most rational moms would. I rarely hung out with people who didn't have kids at all. We lived in completely different worlds.

I think you are just going to have to be patient. Any other single moms in your area? You will probably have more in common with them.

I suspect you are volunteering too much info.
IF it comes up, you say "It's just me and my daughter! Dad's out of the picture!" and change the subject.
They won't know if you were never married, or divorced or widowed - and it's no ones business unless you become more than casual friends.

As for marketing yourself - just be yourself.
Take classes for things you enjoy doing and meet people with similar interests.
Often times - just being a parent of similar aged kids is not enough to form a friendship.

I don't think I would ever ask a women, "When do we meet your husband?" because that is assumming you have one and further more it really isn't my business. All women with kids are not married or attached. If you told me that you were separated for many years, I wouldn't think a thing about it because again, it's not my business to review or evaluate your marital status or lack thereof. Although, you do have some moms who do not want their husbands around "single moms" because they think she may become too friendly with someone's husband.

I'm one of those people that if you don't bring up a husband, I'm really not going to inquire AT ALL about your mate or situation. We wouldn't discuss "him" unless you brought him up. Especially, when we have first met a few times. I like to meet moms of new kids my child would play with also. I don't want you to think you have to prove yourself or try too hard to impress these people. I'm sure they will realize just how nice you two really are. Just give it some time. Don't force the issue.

Well, I live not far from you. You had a post in 2013 saying you had a 7 year old so you must have a 9-10 year old now. My 9 year old son goes to play at his friends' houses now. They aren't play dates with parents involved so much anymore. Usually, I drop him somewhere or his friends' parents drop them to our house.

Unless your daughter's school is some sort of religious school where there is a problem with divorce - I think you just offer too much information. You can just say you are divorced or that you don't have a husband - but leave it at that.

I do know this does get asked sometimes as a good friend is a recent widow and she has had a hard time answering this question. No one expects the answer at a birthday party to, "Is your husband here?" to be "No, he is deceased.".

Good luck!

If someone goes that far to explain their living situation then I'd find it a red flag like they are trying to sell me on something. Stop trying to market yourself to other parents. The fact that they don't want their child to have a play date with your child is probably more to do with a problem with them and not a problem with you. Don't assume that you and your daughter are lesser than and if someone makes you feel that way then its probably best that you don't have their child over for a play date.

Let your daughter makes friends at school and maybe offer to meet up at a local park for an afternoon of fun. Or go to the movies. Play dates don't have to be at home.

Maybe you're coming on too strong, offering too much too soon? Sometimes people think that someone who tries too hard is desperate.

Bring a book with you next time and hold it in your hand. When there's an early lull in conversation, start to read. Don't spend the whole time you're there talking. Don't ask about her husband - maybe she won't ask about yours as quickly...

DH and I don't have rules like this but a lot of people have rules about socializing with opposite sex single people and even opposite sex married people. I suspect it wasn't the wife or just the wife - obviously he brought it to her attention so he probably felt uncomfortable. I agree with others that it is probably something else going on here if you run into this a lot. While I'd have a play date with a single mom just like a married mom I probably wouldn't invite her over for a family BBQ unless there where a handful of people coming over. Just bc it would probably make my husband want to leave the house for the event.

New student - the mom probably won't ask about your Martial status.

I'm a single mom of three. Have been for a while. And 4 years ago when I was married, my husband was always gone traveling for the 10 years before that. So I made it a point to get out there and make friends by myself. I can honestly say, I've NEVER had this problem. And not to brag, but I'm no troll, so it's not like women couldn't dislike me around husbands if they were insecure or something...but honestly...it's not an issue.

I go to parties and bbqs and art events and community events and I see people there...and it's really not up to people to "accept me" or not...because I'm there. Chatting and laughing and asking questions and then leaving because I'm tired. And I do get invited to things. And I do go. So.. I don't know. You may be rubbing them the wrong way somehow. Or maybe they're just busy. I mean, it's not like I go home with people and eat dinner with them or set up weekend plans AFTER I've chatted with one of them at the park or at school drop-offs or class waiting rooms. We ALL go on our own busy ways..so. Maybe they sense that you want something from them more than just to say hello in passing? Or maybe you live in a super judgmental place?

If anything, people are always trying to get my kids and I to do stuff and I'm too overwhelmed to accommodate. And I rarely announce my status (nor do they ask) it just comes out in conversation-often when Im turning down invites because I can't get sitters that often- that I'm so busy because it's just me with the kids. But my tone is upbeat and matter-of-fact and on to the next thing.

Don't wait for people to invite you and include you in some vague context. Couples are insular by nature. For example, my son was starting soccer, so i asked a friend if her son could meet us in a park and teach him some basics. We never would have been invited to do that. She's got a husband who coaches soccer and a full family, she would not have thought of us, but she was happy to let her son come do that and she came too and we had fun at the park.. And I meet people at events where we have a purpose so we have a common interest...

But honestly, most random PARENTS at my kid's events or school I only see in passing at drop-offs and don't expect it to amount to more. I haven't been grilled and rejected when people hear I'm "single". I don't know why that's happening to you. But when we fixate on something, we keep seeing it. My ex always sees people running red lights because he's fixated on it. I never do. I don't feel weird being single so no one else thinks its weird that I know of.

You don't have to market yourself. Just be yourself and do stuff you like and make friends with some substance. Don't wait for people to treat you a certain way..steer things yourself and wear the pants. If you are busy and confident and on to the next thing then they will have no need to deflect you.

I agree with Suz T, but I would back off of trying to be friends with the parents and just let your daughter be friends with the kids. I cant speak for all parents but not everyone wants to hang out with their kids friends parents, they just want to meet them so they can have an idea of what they are like.

If your marital status comes up just say you are separated and leave it at that. I am sure some of the women may feel threatened that you are an attractive single woman (this wouldn't bother me, but there are many insecure people out there).

Also, do you think that maybe your daughters behavior may be pushing her friends away? I know my daughter will want to be with her friends 24/7 and that can wear people down. My daughter is like an only child since my SS is grown and on his own and my SD is a teen and lives in PA. It's not easy sometimes and I know she feels lonely when we don't have a full schedule.

I would back off a little. You are talking about "marketing" yourselves as a set which is not appropriate, especially with fourth graders.

Why not let your daughter make her own friends and you make yours? You can be friendly and get to know people in the interest of your daughter but not cross the line into true friendship and certainly not share details about your personal life.

Honestly, I usually keep the parents of my kid's friends at arms length. Twice (once with each child) there have been Mom's who wanted to be my BFF because our kids were friends. I let it go too far in both cases and when my child wanted to move on from the friendship it did not go well between us Mom's. They inserted themselves into the girl's social lives in weird dramatic ways and made a real mess of things.

Your daughter is entering a developmental stage where she will likely experience some social "bumps". Learning to step back and let her navigate the next few years, on her own, is important.

The fact that you're still using the term "playdate" is telling. Find your own friends and let go a little. Your daughter will do just fine choosing friends and setting up social time on her own.

I'll bet your daughter will navigate her own friendships just fine and your relationship status will not be an issue.

It's hard to meet other women you connect with. I can't imagine that everyone you meet would be judgmental about single parent families. It would be very strange if this were the case...I have good friends who are divorced. When we met we didn't really talk about our husbands. We just liked each other and clicked. I invited one women to go on a day long hike and she said yes. She now invites me over to her house for a ladies night out (with other women friends) for cocktails when her boys are at their dads. I think you just have to talk, be friendly, help out at school functions or kid activities and then try to set up a "mom date" with another woman that you like so you can hang out. I invite someone to go get a coffee...if that day does not work ask if another morning works for her. Or to go on a dog walk together. My son goes over to play with friends who live with single parents and I don't really think anything of it. I don't think you have to sell yourself to most people...it IS hard to break into established groups of friends and it is hard to get other adult women to have any free time to hang out and start a new friendship. Anyway, I'm sorry you feel like you are discriminated against.

That stinks. Being totally honest,it is easier being friends with someone married to a guy my husband may get along with. We socialize as a family so much. I've often thought it must be annoying for divorced people though for some reason we have very few at school. The parents of one of my daughter's friends are divorced though and it doesn't seem to impact this girl's friendships at all. Her parents are both very friendly and the mom is quite pretty. I may actually worry about my husband with her except he finds her a bit annoying and she has a long term boyfriend now. But I can see how women worry. Silly but if they don't need more friends, easier to avoid. So I would just concentrate on your daughter. Make it clear you're not looking for a friend. This is all about your daughter. I don't think people are judging or worrying about a bad influence. You're just not as easy as married couples are for other married couples. So keep that in mind and do your best to make play dates attractive. Not sure how as I've never had a parent's marital status impact the kids. But just keep inviting kids. Don't try to be buddies with the moms. Just email them about play dates.

you really made me think. That is why i stay around this site. My kids are around that age and the friends they have had for a while and that i am comfortable wtih them having sleepovers with and stuff are all married. They have had friends in the past that were single but those 3 people were very unreliable, asked for a lot of favors and didn't have hobbies in common with my family. That isn't to say all single people are like that, and it is't to say i wouldn't be open to trying again if my kiddo made friends and asked. honest to goodness though i have never asked about a persons spouse to their face, I might ask my kid if so and so's father came to the doughnuts for dad event, or i might ask who would be home iwth the kids during a sleepover. so i guesss that is my two cents. my dd has had 2 good friends that were only kiddos and they got along fine. But there have been lots of kids that acted like brats that got dumped pretty quick and plenty of nice kids that dd and ds just didn't click with even though i liked the kid.

I have this problem, too. I'm interested to read your answers to see if they'll help me or if I'll just have to toss up
My hands and conclude there are some snotty bitches where I live who are afraid divorce is contagious.

If they are really asking you your marital status and you are saying, "separated but not divorced" the first thing that comes to MY mind is....drama. It implies you are in that limbo period where you don't know if you should stay together or divorce and many people may not want to get involved with that....or their kids. So whatever the case is, I would just say I'm divorced and leave it at that.

There is also something called Meetup.com. It's free. You can either search for a single moms group in your zip code or you can START one. I would do that. Good luck.