How Can I Help My Husband?

Hello-

I know most people don't want to go with medication (my husband and I are in this group) however after about a year and a half of this my husband finally went to see a psychiatrist and has been taking Cymbalta for nearly a year now. It has made all of the difference for him and our family. He has started exercising again and losing weight which in his case has helped with his self esteem and libido. He is working with his doctor to possibly start lowering his dosage and eventually be off of the medication if possible. But even if it doesn't happen, he is so much happier that it is well worth it.

Good Luck,
K.

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I second the recommendation for a physical. His symptoms could be due to something as simple and treatable as a thyroid problem. He needs to schedule an appointment with his doctor for a full work-up.

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It sounds like you're taking a good attitude toward this. He needs your help during this time. My husband did the exact same thing about a year ago. IT really scared me. He was so active and then he just stopped...it turned out that his job was eating him alive. We talked alot about what to do about it and thankfully - another job came along...he's now back to himself. I honestly thought I had lost him...and I couldn't understand why. It probably is depression...but that is often linked to stress and feelings of not being able to provide well. Worry is such an enemy to peace!

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Hi E.,

I don't have much advice for you I just wanted to send you a hug. I hope that whatever the issue may be (and there might not be one, it could be a physiological thing) that you two are able to love each other through it.

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Men, just like women, have a reduction of hormones when they reach middle age. For men, they lose testosterone and the symptoms are what you describe. You can have this medically addressed by talking to a doctor.

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He needs to go in for a full physical.

Help him write down all of the things that have changed about him physically as well as emotionally so he can tell the Doctor. If he does not have the energy to make the appt, let your husband know you will be happy to set up the appt and even go with him.

I am guessing he could have a a chemical imbalance.
40 is a good age to have the full physical on file, so that as he gets older they will have a record of his health.

Is there anyway you 2 could get away for a weekend soon? He may just be burned out and stressed by work. It is very stressful in the workforce right now. My husband is being asked to cut more and more from his budget and he already has a bare bones staff so they are doing more work with less people and they still want him to make cuts.

You are being a good and supportive wife, just remind him how much you love him and appreciate him and that you only want the best for him that includes his best health.

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Might be a midlife cricis. Might be some medication he is taking. Tell him that he isnt behaving like his normal self and if it were you doing this he would be telling you the same thing help is needed. Go to the doctor or some where. If he is just taking a break and siting for an hour or so. Leave him there. As you get older your body gets tried and needs more rest. Most of all be kind treat him like you would want him to treat you if you were doing these things and he didnt know why. Good luck. God bless.

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E.,
I totally second what Laurie has written with these few additions:
Many depressed people lack the energy to do anything, You may have to make the appointment and drive him there.
Many in the depths of depression feel that they are not lovable and by telling him that he is, he feels guilt. Monitor what you say by watching his responses, telling him that this is a bad patch and you KNOW that you will get through it may be better accepted.
If you go to the doctors and come out with no diagnosis and no treatment, that just rules out the physcial causes (thyroid, low testosterone- although fairly rare). Go directly to a psychiatrist and sign him in for 6 sessions. He may not like the first session, but by the 6th you should start to see him looking forward to it. any medication for depression takes 3 weeks to kick in and sometimes it is necessary to go through several to find the one that works.
Here are more signs of depression:
early morning awakening (up at 4 or 5 and no ability to go back to sleep)\
weight gain or weight loss
no energy, no enthusiasm
no sex drive
feelings of worthlessness, failure,
sadness which you too feel when you are with him

This is not a luxury illness, death from depression is just as real as one from cancer, take it seriously and treat it. Most are greatly improved within 6 months, keep remembering that and remind him of that often. If drugs are recommended, be sure he takes them. As he starts to improve, that is the danger time, keep an especially sharp eye on him then.
Good luck with this and remember to get some support from friends and family for yourself and your kids while you get things back on track.
K.

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He has all the signs of depression. Do a search looking for signs of depression test and see where he falls under.

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Just keep the home a haven to come home to. Keep encouraging him without getting annoying or too concerned (which can become annoying). You've expressed your concerns already; he acknowledges them. Leave it at that for now. Make sure he knows regularly how much you respect and appreciate him. Leave notes or cards around every once in awhile - or mail one to his work. Focus on the respect and appreciation more than the I love yous - that what he is lacking right now. He needs to know he's needed, useful, appreciated, and most of all admired. Even if he doesn't show it any time soon, this will affect him the rest of his life - knowing you think these things about him.

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It sounds like depression, which I think you suspected. Have him get a checkup and tell his doctor about these symptoms. Good luck.

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Have him get tested for low testosterone. If this is the culprit, as it was for a friend of mine, a simple cream rubbed into the skin every day corrects the problem.

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Try going to a church marriage encounter or retreat. We've never been but the lady's at church say they are a wonderful way to get the focus back on the marriage and love. Good luck.

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I would suggest that he get a wellness exam to check his blood. He may have low blood count or low thyroid levels that will cause fatigue. Low iron. There are many things that may cause fatigue. It could be something physiological(sp?) and not psychological like depression. Those are my thoughts...

Good luck!

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It's called a "mid-life crisis" sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn't. Quite frankly I believe it is psychological. I think it is a sort of situational depression that hits.

The problem is that most of the guys and women who get it have a difficult time expressing what it is that they are feeling. They know something is off but they aren't quite sure what it is. Sometimes it results from people who have achieved their goals and do not know where to go from there.
Sometimes it is because they feel they are in a rut they just can't get out of...

How to deal with it has long been questioned without real reliable answers. You could try the church retreat previously suggested, but that may only deal with a small part of things...you could try therapy, but he has to not only be willing to go, but be willing to talk and to hear what is said...you could try patience,, but he may see that as a sign that you don't care or don't understand.

Personally, I would talk to him and tell him you do not understand what changes he is going through but you support him and if he wants help or to talk about it you are there for him 100%. Tell him that you see that he may be feeling things are a bit staid and is he looking to shake them up, what can you do to help? Sometimes just knowing your partner is cued into your feelings and is willing to help but allow you to find oyur way can be really huge...

Good luck... ;-)

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E., Sometimes I find my answers in the process of elimination. Investigate what it's "not" and discover what it is. Set up an appointment for blood work to be done. Low blood sugar can affect moods and fatige.Does diabetes run in his family? Have him tested to make sure he is in good physical health. If he is, but has not changed his behavior ask your Dr. to recomend a therapist. Maybe approching 40 is making him grieve for his youth, or unresolved issues from childhood have crept up at this turning point. Help him to look forward instead at the life experience, wisdom, and accomplishments both he and you have experienced. Or perhaps even taking a small couples only get away or finding a shared hobbie might snap him back. Regardless, let him know that he has all your love and support and as a couple, together you can do great things. Good luck!

Your husband sounds depressed. Can you persuade him to go see his primary care doc? That can be a good way to get someone who might be reluctant to confront depression to get checked out. Does his family have a history of depression? It's strongly genetic and he may just not have been hit with it yet. Or, he may have something physical that needs to be detected. I'd get him to the doctor for a full work-up and be sure that he explains his lethargy so the doc can take everything into account. As an aside,did you happen to see the NYTimes article over the weekend about people being hit with depression for the first time? The numbers are way up because the economy is so shaky and many people, even those who are financially stable, are very anxious. You can find the article on www.nytimes.com

Good luck!

Maybe he just needs a good physical exam. Insist that he use this time to spend with his children. If he'll just start playing ball with them, it'll help them all.

It is not unusual for men to get depressed around 40. But depression can mean there is something physical going on. He needs to see a doctor and have a complete check up. Hopefully he has a medical plan at work. Good luck.

A product called Luminex works or Bach Flowers