How Can I Help Improve My Daughter's Self Esteem

Help her get busy. Join a sport, take an art class, learn an instrument, take Karate ... anything that gives her something constructive to do and can give her a sense of accomplishment. When she finds something she's good at and that she likes to do, she'll relax and feel good about herself. And that will draw people. So much good luck to you.

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Very bright and sensitive kids are still just kids. They don't have the brain development (or experience) to make sense of many things adults tell them. When you try to steer your daughter toward more flattering and stylish clothes, or a different hairstyle, it feels like rejection to her. It makes no sense to her that her parents tell her that she's a great kid and that other kids will like her but then try to "change" her. She ends up thinking that there's something very wrong with her. Then, she feels angry, because she can't imagine WHY there's something wrong. She's reluctant to change anything because it feels like giving up her identity. When she does make a friend, she starts to feel like someone actually values and understands her. Then, when they have even a tiny disagreement or the other child doesn't want to play, she feels deeply rejected, is sure the other child never really liked or understood her, and wonders why she should make friends when it feels like friendship just sets her up to be hurt.

Many people are like your sensitive one. Many adults are like her! Many kids are, too.

Instead of focusing so much on your daughter and what you think she should or shouldn't do, focus rather intensely on pointing out that differences and disagreements are OK. When you disagree with someone, make a point of saying things like, "My best friend hates that movie, but I just love it." Point out how you don't always agree with your husband, but that's fine - "sometimes we watch TV he likes, and sometimes we watch the romantic stuff for me." If you have an argument with a friend, make sure to point out, "It makes me so mad when she does that. I'll be so glad when this blows over and we're having fun again." Let her see that people won't always agree, AND THAT'S OK. THEY STILL LIKE EACH OTHER. That will eventually help her feel secure enough not to feel threatened or rejected by other kids, even when they disagree.

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I just moved here to Cali and I'm having a hard time finding friends too. You mentioned some things that I've noticed myself..how you dress, is how you're judged. It is a shame! I'm glad your daughter 'is perfectly comfortable wearing baggy clothes' and she's not 'girly', for obvious reasons(boys are out of the equation!). I would suggest date night with dad. The special kind where you get dressed up and go to a fancy dinner (this is how a guy should treat you, kind of thing.) When she does start getting 'girly', she will have a strong father figure active in her life to fill her esteem up. Her emotions won't depend on a friend's feeling or actions. Does that make sense? Just the same she needs some strong mom ties too, so that no matter what people think, her MOM is always her touch stone!
To get her out of her shell.. why not a party and invite her entire class? Or do a special movie night with her friends, or get her involved in classes outside of her school (like gymnastics). You can promote interactions through friends with children in the same age group through work, or your own friends. Ultimately parents and the family bond are going to pull her through this and she'll get stronger for it.

Hi
Perhaps she would do better in 1:1 playdates. Have her pick a classmate to invite over after school, or meet at a park. Pick a different friend each week, and see who she bonds with
Good luck

I'm remember being in 4th grade and having a difficult time with all of the cliques that were being formed in school and one day this friend wasn't my friend and then this wasn't the other day. And I remember feeling really hurt and confused about my friends' fickle behavior but, in the end, they were still my friends -- they had just taken a slight detour in our friendship path for a little while and I realize now that they were taking some time to discover who they were outside of our friendship and it kind of forced me to learn how to start friendships with new kids and come out of my shell a little.

What I would suggest that you do for your daughter is continue to encourage her to play it cool with the friends who are not acting too friendly with her right now and start looking around at the other girls in her class to see if there is someone else there that may be shy like her and would appreciate her reaching and initiating a friendship with them. I would also encourage you to get your daughter involved in a couple of outside school activities if at all possible (and if you are not doing so already). Some really good friendships can be established with other kids at church (if you are so inclined to go), playing AYSO, or whatever else intersts your daughter.

Good luck and just keep encouraging your daughter to be friendly and continue being the person that she is meant to be. Conformity really is overrated and not at all worth the price you have to pay to play into other people's misguided notions and insecurities.

it sounds like you are doing a good job, only trust me on the fact that clothes have very little to do with making friends! you should have seen my closet when i was 9! my mom was kind of a hippie so she let us dress ourselves since we were toddlers! i always had lots of friends, i was a happy little kid. smiling helps! your little girl sounds a lot like my little sister. she always dressed like a boy and never really made more than three or four friends at a time, and it was hard for her to keep them around. she wasnt outgoing and didnt really initiate games or play. so the kids would just flock to whoever did those things, but she didnt like big crowds of people either.

the best thing that you can do for her now is just give her positive encouragement. tell her she is beautiful. remind her to smile at least once a day! maybe even tickle one out of her if she refuses, as long as she wont get mad. make sure her home life is happy and fun as well as somewhat organized. if she can have fun and be happy at home then hopefully it will leak out in other places like school, as well.

this is a very sensitive age as it is, the pre-teens are the worst! but you got to let her figure out her own thing when it come to what she wants to look like, as long as it falls under the code of values and standards that you want for her! please support her in her dressing what she feels is comfortable. it will help her self esteem if she knows that her mother thinks she is a beautiful person no matter what she wears! she will be happy and eventually come out of her shell!

I was like your little girl when I was younger. We moved several times by the time I was 11 and it was hard to make new friends right away. One thing you can do for her self esteem is not pressure her to make more friends or change her appearance. If she's comfortable being a tomboy-ish young lady then let her be (it didn't hurt me in the end lol) and let her know how special she is to you. Tell her that she doesn't have to have a million friends to be happy; she can find one good one and be happy for years. At this age kids change their mind so much when it comes to friends. Becky and I were best friends one day and mortal enemies the next at this age.

I've noticed that the smarter more mature kids are the sensitive ones, so tell her how smart and wonderful she is and that you're proud that she's trying, but that she doesn't have to try so hard just to make anyone but her happy.

Get her in a girl scout troop. Preferably one where you aren't the leader so she will have to use all her skills to get out there. GS empowers girls to do their best and it is a very close knit group. If Gs isn't in your area, look into other girl groups through the YMCA or boys and girls clubs.
I'd also suggest martial arts. It teaches control, self discipline/respect and she can meet people that way. She may not feel as on the spot since although you are with a group of peers, it is also individualized as opposed to a soccer team or something.

JOIN GIRL SCOUTS!!! My 9 year old daughter is shy also and has low self esteem too. Last year we joined our troop and the improvements in my daughter have been AMAZING! I can not even find the words to explain it, but she now has alot of friends, some she met in the troop and some she has made since then that are not in her troop. I am not sure how to find a troop, but I would start with the Girl Scout website, ask at school too, there was a flyer that mentioned an event that girls could go to to see if they were interested in joining. But I also know that we have a few new girls in our troop that asked around and joined us. I would give this a shot, again, the changes in my own daughter have been AMAZING! God bless.

It is so difficult to watch our children go through social pain, which often scratches at old wounds from our own childhoods.

Remember that self-esteem is acquired by an individual's actions and self-acceptance. You can facilitate her self-esteem by validating her hurt and by accepting her style. When she shares about the rejection she experiences, tell her you know that must have hurt her feelings and that it would have hurt your feelings, too. Offer some suggestions for how she might respond to the other girls, how she can approach new friends or what she might play/do by herself in when she finds herself alone. Don't dress her - let her select her own style of clothes (as long as what she chooses is age appropriate) and support her in the way she sees herself.

I understand the desire to "fix" what you might see as a barrier to a happy social life, but feeling understood and accepted in ones home is the greatest gift of all.

Hi L..
It's hard for us as parents to see our children in distress. It's also painful for children to feel disconnected (not a part of) their peer group. Here are some ideas about what you can do to support your daughter as she faces these social challenges. You can find ways to praise her for who she is. You can also offer her options as to why a friend may be unavailable to spend time with her on particular day, but validate her feelings. We can't help getting upset or sad, but we can help what we think about the situation and what we can do about it. Try to express understanding about how hard it must be for her, but you can also help build her confidence by helping her to find ways to improve her situation. One idea is to find an after school activity that interests your daughter (preferably at the school), where she will already have a connection with the others who have enrolled in the activity/class given the mutual interest. Her sensitivity to what is going on in her life and how she is experiencing it needs to be acknowledged. Unfortunately, I don't think she will be able to just shrug off these "incidents" at this point. Good luck supporting your daughter with this.

J. Zexter, LCSW
www.judyzexter.com

See what inspires her, and what interests she has... she can join the clubs at school which interests her... thereby, she will be amongst other kids that have the same interest.
Or, in extra-curricular activities...
If she engages in things she likes, this can boost her self-esteem...
it seems MAYBE she is hiding beneath baggy clothing, because she feels insecure about herself... but, a child should not be forced to dress differently and learn how to be comfortable in their own skin.

There is a girl in my daughter's class, that dresses like that... she is not girly, nor likes girly things. As she gets older, it may impact her in social ways as well... which does happen sometimes. BUT, this girl is confident...and her parents let her participate in things she likes, like golfing and tae-kwan do. And her parents let her dress as she likes, as long as it is not grungy. And they always are proud of her.... and encourage her own self-identity and "style" even if she is "different."

Mostly, just keep close to her, and build up a good solid communication habit....whereby she can come to you as a soft place to fall and a place where she can express herself unfettered. She is hitting the pre-teens, and her comfort level with you/Dad will be paramount in how she navigates through it....of course, your wanting her to engage in good friends and activities. Not seeking out negative social outlets and bad habits or hiding things from her parents.
And YES, her relationship with her Dad will also color her world and how she feels about herself. Little girls "need" Dad as much as their Mom. They will need to know how to engage with "boys" and to NOT just seek approval in negative ways with the "wrong" types of guys/friends.

....try asking her Teacher perhaps, if there is a social problem she notices in class or at school, regarding your daughter. See what the Teacher suggests....

And of course, nurture any "talents" or interests she has... maybe if she feels valued and recognized for her talents, she may blossom.

Not all kids are good with the "shrug it off" approach to handling problems. So, see what approach will help her. Teach her about how to discern between feelings and how to cope... coping skills can really give a child more confidence and a sense of "control" over their day to day problems and feelings.

All the best,
Susan

Hi L., I would jst encourage her daily, also it would not hurt for you to strike up a friendship with a couple of the other moms, then you all can go together doing mother daughter things together, allow her to have a party, so she can invite some kids build some friendships, and as far as her clothes go, thats where you really have to come in, although my daughter wore jeans and t-shirts, I made sure that she had a lady's wardrobe as well. One more thing girls have a very strong need of their dads, father daughter dates, outings and a lot of encouranging, her self asteem has to be built up at home in order for it to flourish at school, my daughter will be 20 next, and her and her dad still have quality time togethere, he tells her and our daughter in law that they are queens amoung young women, also mom if you have son, have mom and son dates as well. Hope this helps. J. L.

Hi L.,
This is a tough thing. There is a GREAT book that a very good friend of mine used for her kids at that age when they had similar challenges. It's an easy read and I love the author. I've not read the book itself, but read another book by the same author, titled, Being Happy. The book is called Making Friends and the author is Andrea Matthews. Also, find something, anything, that she enjoys doing and help her become REALLY good at it (or something she's interested in and help her learn more about it in a fun way). People tend to believe that we need to be good at everything in life; that a well-rounded person gets farther than the rest. Tell that to Bill Gates, amongst many others. It's simply not true. Just find one thing to be passionate about. With her humble manner, you need not worry about her becoming boastful, but, most often, people make friends, even kids, when doing things they love. Try that. Once you find that one thing, you can always send out another message asking if there are others who are interested in that, too. Whatever it is, just encourage it. Sometimes that one thing is harder to find, but keep looking and keep loving her. I was painfully shy and teased a TON up until I was about 14 or 15, then I met one person who became my friend and helped me out of my shell. My parents always loved and supported me and this was a tremendous help. Now, when I tell people I used to be shy, no one believes me. =0)
I've worked with kids of many ages for many years. If you need more ideas, specific ones, or want to just run ideas by me, please don't hesitate at all. You can email me if you'd like at ____@____.com.
Either way, best of luck. Be strong and laugh often.
L. =0)

Hi L.,

It sounds like your daughter is having a rough time. She needs to know that, through this difficult transition, she has your unconditional love and support. I would argue that when someone is mean to her, she should be allowed to let that "get to her". That's hurtful and she needs you to validate those feelings. Once she knows that you understand the feelings, she will be able to begin to find ways to deal with the current situation. When a child is told not to experience the feelings that they are naturally experiencing, they feel even more rejected. It is OK for her to feel bad. It is OK for her to struggle with this. She needs you to be there for her so that she can find the strength to decide how she wants to approach this situation. You don't need to solve the problem for her. She can do that herself. You just need to be there for her, without judgements. You need to allow her to be the person she is; sensitive, baggy clothes and all.

Good luck,
G. Brown
www.GilaBrown.com

Dearest L.,

I am a stay at home mom with two beautiful girls. Try enrolling your daughter in some kind of afterschool activity. Like a sport or ballet. When my oldest daughter was 6 yrs old she too was very shy, so I enrolled her in ballet thinking she might like it. That didn't work. She asked if she could play soccer and so soccer it was. Now she's not too shy anymore. She makes friends very quickly and enjoys being on a team. It gives her something to look forward to during the week on games on the weekend.

good luck.
E.M

You need to be patient and kind to her...she may need your full attention and encouragement in regards to her feelings...It seems as if she is a sensitive child that is observant and cares about other people's fellings....this is why she is hurt when other kids her age don't want to play with her...maybe you could slowly introduce her to girly clothes, by making her wear a blouse that is cute or a pair of pants that are more appealing for girls to wear...the reason I am giving this advise, is because I have a 6yr old granddaughter who is used to wearing baggy pants or boy shorts, etc, but we have slowly been introducing her to wearing more girly looking shorts and shirts...and tying her hair up and constantly telling her that she looks cute...wherever she fixes herself up...she too is very sensitive and gets her feelings hurt when a negative comment is made about her...whether it be her appearance or what she may be wearing...but the most important thing to remember is to listen to your daughter and to just praise her alot!

Dear L.,

Ok, I'm on my third draft for my response to you. <g> I can't seem to easily say all that's running through my mind.

First, if you have the opportunity, watch your daughter at school, particularly recess, and without her knowledge. You may discover a whole new twist on the story.

Second, if your daughter is not a stylish dresser, I wouldn't force that issue. My mom spent my whole life at home trying to make me dress in her style (very girly) rather than accepting that I was a painfully shy kid with tomboy tendencies and no sense of style. Only the most superficial kids exclude others based on their dress or gadetry, and, really, would your daughter want to hang out with someone so artificial?

Three, remember that self-esteem comes from accomplishment. Help your daughter identify what she's good at and help her find new things she's good at. I strongly recommend martial arts as a great self-esteem building activity. I've seen the shyest children blossom under our local instructor.

Last but not least, I would suggest that your daughter learn to be her own best friend. Some people make friends easily, some don't. But, I've always enjoyed my own company and because I enjoy me, others enjoy being wtih me as well. (That's a really tough concept to get across, though.)

Good luck!

I have a 9 year old also. I think it is this age as well. My daughter has lots of friends, however sometimes she says she plays by herself. The only difference is -it does not bother her. She seems fine with it. Are there any clubs or girl scouts available at the school? Maybe she can make some friendships through something like that? Are you open to attending church? My daughter has made great friends at church. Just keep encouraging her, let her know its thier loss to miss out on playing with such a great gal.

Hi L.-
We have moved a lot and as a result my children have been the new kids frequently. It is understandable that she is hurt when kids don't want to play with her or are mean to her. In the elementary schools we've attended there has always been close knit groups of kids that have been attending school together for a while and sometimes they have a hard time allowing a new person to enter their "fold". The best thing I've found is to set up play dates. Ask your daughter who she likes in her class. Call this child's mother (or parent, guardian) and suggest a play date at the park or your house. The next time, have your daughter call and make the request for the play date. Do this individually, but with as many of the children in her class that she feels she would like to be friends with. (It will also be good for her to see you interacting positively with the parents of these children. At least I feel this encourages my children.) Eventually, these play dates will be reciprocated, and the good times they've had together outside of school will cross over to school.
When she expresses sadness over the treatment she receives by other children, I would suggest just listening and telling her you understand how hurtful that can be. I can still remember these incidents from my own childhood, and I'm sure you can, too. Maybe you can share a situation that relates to what she is going through.
Also, it's fine that she isn't a "girly girl", and if she is comfortable wearing baggy clothes, that is great. That is a good sign of self esteem that she doesn't feel she has to dress to impress as a 9 year old. I would encourage that individuality instead of being concerned about it. Obviously she wants to be comfortable at school so she can be active, and there are plenty of children that feel the same way.
I hope this helps!

Hi L.:
You've received some excellent responses here,I'll simply add,that I couldn't help noticing in your request,that you said "I have a hard time dressing her" I know you don't mean that literally,however it does sound like you select her clothes. While we don't want our children to put to much emphases on what they wear,(Material things).Its been proven over and again,that the way in which we present ourselves,can make all the difference in the world. I'll not argue with those,strong in their beliefs,that we all (should) be judged by our demeanor,what lies deep inside each and every one of us.However,in Reality,in this crazy,busy world we live in today,We are pressured to make (Good first impressions).Whether it be for peers, A Job interview,Audition,or A blind date, We're expected to make A good impression,for the simple reason, Strangers,haven't had the opportunity to get to know who we are inside.Its only after someone gets to know your personality,that they can easily over look your exterior,or flaws.Your daughter is mature enough,that you could sit down and discuss whether she feels comfortable with the clothes you have chosen for her to wear. Allow her the freedom to be honest with you.Tell her,that you want her to feel good about herself,and if shes not happy,with her look,that your feelings won't be hurt. I agree with the mothers that advised getting your daughter into something,that interests her,so it would build her self esteem. Sports are great for girls, but if you want to bring more of the feminine side of your daughter out,I'd get her into a dance class. They offer everything from Hip-hop/ to ballet. She would make a lot of friends,become more outgoing and become more confident in who she is.I wish you and your daughter the very best.J. M

L.: my daughter is 16 now, but she also is a rather sensitive child. when she was younger, she was also rather shy and did not make friends easily. what i used to do was invite a friend or two to our house regularly and eventually she became more assertive. i also encouraged her to join either a group or do some sports. regarding the baggy clothes, why not take her to the store and try on different outfits. make it a girls day out with both of you just being girly for a day. both of you can try different outfits, even if you don't buy them right away. then enjoy a treat like ice cream or pizza to make it memorable. and lastly, don't forget to praise your little angel. hope this helps, be well.

Is she in any sports or activities? My niece is 14 and has always been in a team with sports and dance and I see how much self worth she gets from those things as well as friends.

I moved from my school too when I was 15. Looking back, I wish I would have become involved in activities that kept me interested in the new environment and it would have been great for my self worth.

What is she interested in? Sports? Art? Check out your parks and rec. and see if there are classes she wants to take. That's a way to meet other girls and potential friends. Even if she makes just one friend, it makes finding the next friend that much easier. Good luck!