40 answers

How Can I Handle This Tackfully?

We are currently selling a home we built a year ago. I'm not that excited to sell, but my husband is going go school and his program is about to get difficult to keep his current job. So in efforts to make things easier we've decided to sell our house. And well I haven't been too worried about it because the market is lousy and so I thought i'd have a lot of time to comes to terms leaving my beautiful home. Tomorrow I'm reshowing the house to someone that has already seen it. So I'm assuming that they are at least semi interested in it.

My husband and I have been discussing our situation of what we will do when we sell the house. There are some really nice family housing available to students and we are on their waiting list. So here comes my dilemma. My husband apparently has worked out for us to live in his parents basement. That would sound great for most people, but for me there has been a long history of bad blood between them and me. I've always been kind and considerate to them, but they've just never wanted me to be part of their family. Things have mellowed over the last year and they will now atleast speak to me. So I'm torn, I want to help my husband make things easier on him, but I'm affraid to live with his parents. I just feel like I'd be stepping into the lions den.

Sure it's going to help us transition and save some money, but what am I going to do? I have 2 little ones and it's not like I can just live in a room and stay out of their way. I have children, and they being 1 and 3 do tend to cry. I just don't think that i can truly "live" in their house for fear that i'm going to upset them and then it'll be a nightmare. (Noted that his father can be very verbal about his feeling) I never grew up in a family that could be just plain out mean. I want to support my husband, but how do I do that and still stand up for me? Should I just try it and if it doesn't work move? (I hate moving and boxing) Anyone have to do this before?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

For not I'm going to do everything in my power to try to find other housing. I wish that we could rent our house, but we tried that last year when my husband changed jobs and the renters left lots of destruction and ended up 2 months of no pay when they finally left. and they still owe us money I'm sure we will never get. Also, unfortunately the area I live in doesn't have many homes renting for as high of rent as it would take to cover our mortgage. I love the idea, but unfortunately it won't work for us. Thanks ladies for all your input. It's going to be a hard call when it comes to the actual move. I wish there was a easy answer for where we could move that would be really affordable. I'm not happy with moving out of my beautiful home for the second time. It's frustrating. But I will do what I have to to support my husband and help make the future easier financially. The only thing I won't do is hurt my family by putting them is a spot that will hurt them. We'll see. Thanks ladies. oh, and I need to add that we are currently renting our basement to another family just to pay our mortgage.

Featured Answers

Kids needs their own space, I would be much happier with my own small apartment than staying with in laws. Even with the best relationships that would cause stain. I would NOT move into the basement but instead find a cheap apartment close to school,

3 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Do not move in. Do not move in. Do not move in.

10 moms found this helpful

This is a difficult situation, for so many different reasons. If this had been my life, I would have been very hurt that my husband made this sort of arrangement without even talking to me about it first. I would feel trapped that I was expected to go along with something that I strongly felt would be a mistake. I would also feel taken for granted in my work as a mother, because I was being asked to make an enormous sacrifice; to live in an environment that was not interested or invested in making me or my children feel welcome. I have lived with people like this in the past, and would never choose to do it again.

I think the most tactful way to express your concerns is going to be really identifying how *you* feel, understanding that he's probably scrambling because everyone's in a bind, but that this scenario was not ever on your table of options. While you love him and want to support him in his school and classes, this is a choice that is problematic at best, because it's not going to feel like a good and comfortable environment, and this does effect our ability to parent our kids. When we are stressed, our kids get stressed. (His expecting this of you is a huge pill to have to swallow.) And that you'd like to explore other options before thinking of going down this route.

Then see what he has to say. If you can keep it to "I" feelings/statements, and not throw the kitchen sink at him, but prepare what you want to say with the object that you want him to talk to you, not argue with you, he'll be more inclined to open up--instead of get defensive-- and respond in a way that might be more sympathetic to your situation and positive in result. It's taken me a lot of years with a good man to learn this, so I do want to share!
And not being angry or busy when you talk, but calm and both in a moment that you can focus, that helps a lot too.

Best wishes on your conversation with your man,

7 moms found this helpful

Stay away from the parents house. Don't even try it. Bad blood always resurfaces and gets worse. Keep your distance.

6 moms found this helpful

Does not sound like a good scenerio for your family. I would opt for the student housing...Great that that the relationship is beginning to warm up but if I were you I would seriously set some boundaries and protect your core family. Your DH should understand that. Since you are making a sacrifice for him he should meet you half way and have a game plan for a healthier living arrangement.

6 moms found this helpful

How did he "work it out" without talking to you first? I think I would be very uncomfortable with the two little ones trying to live with in laws. And basements are not real safe places to sleep with little ones either - I don't care if it's a nicely remodeled basement or not...it's a basement, so the air they are breathing is not the best and how do you get out if there is a fire? You are already supporting your husband by selling your almost new house and moving somewhere cheaper. If there is any way to keep your family in its own home, even the family housing at the university, that would be best. Hopefully you can talk him out of this - I don't know why he talked to his parents before he talked to you anyway. Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck and better days ahead.

6 moms found this helpful

Do EVERYTHING possible to make sure you don't move in !
Your in my thoughts and best of luck


5 moms found this helpful

Don't worry about tact! Tell him straight out how you feel! He should never have worked this out without your okay and he certainly should know that if there is bad blood between you and his parents that it would be a bad situation.
You can still be supportive without having to move in with his parents. You WILL be stepping into the lion's den and this big life change should be agreeable to BOTH of you, not just your husband.

Tell him what you need. He needs to respect how you feel.

5 moms found this helpful


Don't DO it, there's GOT to be a better way!

Don't worry so much about money right now, it WILL get better, I PROMISE!

(Tactfully? Hmmmm, no, babe, that's not gonna work for me, surely you understand why, right?)


5 moms found this helpful

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