How Can I Discipline My 4 Year Old Son

My son is a trantrum thrower too. I created a new house rule, which states if you need to throw a tantrum, then you have to go to your room to do it because nobody else wants to hear it. This allows the child the freedom to express himself, but doesn't subject anyone else to it. They know that when they stop crying and can control themselves they are more than welcomed to come and joine the rest of the house. My son is now two and when he starts with the tantrum, I just have to ask, "Do you need to go to your room?" and he immediately stops crying and says, "nope, I'm good." Then he runs off to go play or do whatever. Hope this helps for you. I stopped the control issue of it by letting him know he could do it, but I did control where he did it and then he chooses on his own if he acts that way or not. Mostly not, but there are days when he apparently needs a good cry. Hope this helps you. I have a daughter who is 3 and I know she helps him to have a tantrum a lot of the time. Siblings.... I see your are close in age too, so that maybe what is happening too.

Hey A.,

When it come to tantrums the thing to do is ingore them. The child only throws one because he know he will get some sort of attenetion. I now it will be hard to do, but when he starts just calmly walk way and keep yourself busy. At first he my follow you and want attention, but if you have him in time out calmly pick him up and put him back. Tell with with a firm voice that time out is not over and go back to what you are doing. In time he will understand that he is not getting any attentention from his tantrums. Good luck

Get the book "Parenting With Love and Logic." If you don't get the book, you can go out to their Web site, where they have tons of helpful information. www.loveandlogic.com

The Love and Logic philosophy (also used by many school districts) helps kids learn to evaluate choices and make their own decisions. It's as effective on toddlers as it is on adults. Most kids who throw tantrums do it as an emotional response to something in their lives that they feel is out of their control. Our jobs as parents is not to "control" our kids, it is to help them see the choices they have in front of them, and the consequences or results of each choice. This foundation for decision making helps kids gain self-confidence and the ability to make the right choices as they get older and more independent from their parents.

Young kids don't have the emotional maturity or the vocabulary to let us know what they are thinking and feeling, so tantrums and attention-getting behavior are typical emotional responses. When my kids whine or throw tantrums, I tell them in a calm voice that we will continue talking (or whatever we were doing) when they have finished. Then I walk away. If they haven't come to me within a minute or two, I will check on them and remind them that I am ready to talk when they are. Then I walk away again. They can keep crying and screaming - that is one of their choices. But when they see that I'm not responding to it, and more importantly, they're not getting what they want, they usually come around pretty quickly.

Kids sometimes make "wrong" choices. We have to let them do that and give them the chance to see for themselves why it was a bad choice - no lectures, no "I told you so." Only then will they be able to see what the "good" choices are, because they learn that it is up to them to make the choice.

Having taught 4 year olds for years (and raising 3 of my own), I hwve found that every child has something they like and do not want to be separated from...for instance, one child loved to be around lots of people, so separating them helped eliminate the undesirable behavior. Maybe it is a special toy, tv, whatever. Use that as the correcting tool. Second, remove yourself and the other children from the "fit"...tell him when he is done he may join you and the rest of the family but you all don't have to be present for his tantrums. All are different and require different means of building up and redirecting when things are not going the right way. Good luck...it is definitely worth all the effort.

With children this age I believe that the techniques used on the show Supernanny are right on. They key is consistency. Give him one warning and then put him in time out for 4 minutes every time he tantrums. Reward days when he does not have a tantrum. Don't give up, it will pass if you handle it calmly and consistently. Don't let him get you upset, be calm and just put him back in time out if he gets out. Good luck!

Watch Super Nanny: exceelent advice, she is wonderful. I think she comes on tonight on one of the prime stations

I know it may sound strange but you may try and give him a baby doll to take care of. Show him how to love it and put it to sleep. When my son was younger he use to have fits and hit people but I noticed how he use to play with his sisters dolls and thats where I got the idea. Soon afterwards he got his own doll and started taking care of her and those fits went away. dont get me wrong my son still acts up but nowhere near what he use to. I hope this helps.

I agree consistency is key! If you threaten a punishment you HAVE to follow through.

A great book is Parenting For The Strong Willed Child. It has some great techiniques and it is perfect for your sons age. It was reccomended to us by a child psychiatrist, and it did wonders.

I wasn't going to write at first, but I have child who was a tantrum thrower...and I will share what worked for me.

At first I would get mad that he was throwing a tantrum...so first I had to realize I didn't have to get upset because he was upset. And once I had a plan in place of how I was going to handle it then I stayed calm...because I had a plan.

First, I tried swatting him to let him know a tantrum wasn't desirable. And this seemed to escalate the tantrum and he would cry and scream even longer.

Then I tried ignoring the tantrum all together...this didn't work out very well either, because as long as he could see me...the fit would go on and on and on...

Finally, I tried placing him on the floor in his room (I guess it is kinda like a time out) and very firmly tell him that when he can "use his words" and calmly speak to me that he can come out. I left the door open and listened to him...when he stopped sometimes at first I would go and ask if he was ready to come out (sometimes he would say yes, and sometimes he would start crying again). Now when he calms down he will come find me and use his words...I make sure he apologizes for his behavior then we move on.

Actually the putting him alone in his room and ignoring the behavior worked best for me...I can't remember the last tantrum he has had...*knock on wood*

Oh and at the store...I would tell him we will go sit in the car until he had calmed down...I haven't had to follow through on that yet...but I am sure I will one of these days. He likes going to the store.

Sending you a big hug...tantrums are hard {{{{{hug}}}}}

Hi A.,

Nothing is more frustrating than having a strong-willed child. I struggled with my older son, and I tried everything the "experts" advised, but NOTHING ever worked. He was such a handful! If I tried to put him on time-out in his bedroom he would come out, no matter how many times I put him back in, so I would hold the door closed and he would scream in rage and pound on the door and throw himself on it.

Finally, a friend recommended a wonderful book called "Sheparding A Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp. My husband and I read it and began implementing Biblical principles for discipline, and it has helped 100%. He went from being a Toddler Terror to a wonderful little boy. He is now 5, and we are consistent with our discipline and have taken it to the next level and addressing his heart - his motivivations for doing what is right. It is time consuming to discipline with love, because we must take the time to talk to him and pray with him when he disobeys, but it worth it. We are teaching him to have a good heart instead of simply addressing the behavior. Anyone can change behavior, but changing one's heart will naturally produce the right behavior.

I wish you well. I know how difficult it can be.

I have a 13 year old and when I put my 4 year old's toys in time out my older one remembers me doing the same thing to him. So every time he threw a toy or object that item got the time out instead. That way he wasn't in time out all the time. When it was really bad, they had to stand in a corner and face the wall for every minute of their age. Also, to get them to clean up their messes we sing the clean up song. If that don't work I throw their toys away. My 4 year old always runs when I say "ok, what's going in the trash?"

A.,

My niece is 5, and I have witnessed a couple of these kicking/screaming/crying/throw-myself-on-the-floor-in-the-middle-of-the-store-because-I-didn't-get-what-I-want tantrums. Obviously, if -I- have seen a couple, you know these happen more often.

My brother and his wife have tried a LOT, including time-outs, and nothing seemed to work. My mom suggested to them that they TOTALLY ignore the fit. My s-i-l had a tendency to pour extra attention on her son, while "ignoring" my neice, which only made it worse. Recently, she (and my brother) have tried -truly- ignoring the fits, and we all have noticed that they've gotten much better. Instead of the aforementioned demonstrations in the horizontal position, she will still cry and wail, but the duration and intensity has decreased dramatically (I call them mini-fits).

Best of luck!
M.

James Dobson's Parenting the Strong-willed Child is great. So good in fact that I sent it to another Mamasource Mama who was in need! I am not sure that I incorporated everything that the book recommended, but it did help me to get ahold of myself and realize that these behaviors were normal and that there were things I could do to counteract them. Good luck, God Bless.

What stopped the tantrums for me was this: When my step daughter would start to throw a fit, I'd either pick her up or just grab her hand and lead her to her room. I'd then tell her that she could throw a fit all she wanted but I didnt have to listen to it, and that she could come out when she decided to behave properly. Then I'd shut the door and go turn the TV up or go far enough away from her door that I couldn't hear her. It took two times of me doing that and she has never thrown a fit for me since. If she does it again, I'll just do the same thing again...

i worked at a head start program when we had a child like that ,we had to hold them down now wait it's not bad use your open hands and cross there arms oh yea you have to be on the floor then put them in your lap ,and cross your legs over theirs ,explain to them why you are doing this and as soon as they stop you will let them up ,but being a mom tell them how much you love them ,but that you do not like the way they are acting ,and this will happen ever time until they stop acting like that.hope this helps
L. TX

Here are three books that have helped with ours:

What the Bible Says about Training Children by Richard Fugate
To Train Up a Child by Michael Pearl (this one is a don't throw the baby out with the bath water book - just glean)
Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ken Trip (? on the author as I am doing it by memory)

Then, Bill Gothard has some really good character books to help train character into our children.

Be blessed,
A.

Whatever you decide to do you MUST be consistant or he will continue to believe he is in control and can control you. Next time, calmly tell him that his behavior is innapropriate and take him to his room. Close his door and let him know you will be willing to talk when he calms down.

Hi A.,

First of all disciplining children should be used to teach them appropriate behavior and it should not start at 4. He has gotten the message somewhere along the line that what he is doing gets him what he wants, when he wants it. Now I can see where with 4 children sometimes being consistent and firm is difficult and exhausting. But if you want this behavior to stop and for him to learn to earn positive attention you will have to be consistent and firm with your discipline. Hitting you or his siblings is NOT acceptable ever! When my grandson who is two and lives with me began hitting me, because at first his mom, my daughter thought it was funny, I clearly stated to him that hitting was not allowed. I would at times have to hold his arms and legs firmly while he cried and continued to try and hit or bite me until he calmed down and I could tell him that hitting hurt and was not acceptable. He eventually got the message and that was at 16 - 18 months. As I said he is two and he knows that hitting hurts and is not a positive way to get anyone's attention. At four your son is capable of listening and understanding. I would carry him to his room or a safe place when he misbehaves and let him know that he is welcome to rejoin the rest of you when he can behave. If he hits you or his siblings re-enforce the no hitting rule and place him in that safe place until he can again behave and not use hitting as a way to get attention. When he goes to school you will have bigger problems if he continues to hit or throw those tantrums, they will not tolerate it and you will be spending your time defusing the situation up at school. Get a handle on it now and your days will be much happier, but it takes time to change a behavior and it takes patience, love and attention - lots of positive attention. Just some thoughts, Good luck!

There is a book (cassette) called "123 Magic" that I used on my daughter when she was little. I have two older sons that were very difficult to manage and time out would not work. You should be able to find it at amazon. It took a couple times of listening through it and trying it out on my daughter, but she almost never throws tantrums any more. Whatever you decide to do, consistancy is the key. Just be calm and what ever you decide over and over until he gets it. Teaching them early is the key to not having to dealing with much bigger problems as they get older. I know I did everything wrong with my boys who are 25 and 23 and I am learning how to do them right with my daughter. Good luck.

L.

A good book on discipline is 123 Magic by Dr Pehlan(SP).My daughters phsycologist had us read this book and start using the techniques. It works great and after about two weeks I had my sweet little girl back. We also use it on our 20 Month old and she gets it as well. Amazon carries it for pretty cheap. I know half price books does not carry it at all.

I have a temperamental 4 year old also. We use a good boy and bad boy chart. When he does something bad - like not listening - he gets a sad face. After 5 sad faces, he loses a toy or juice for a day or something like that. When he does something good - like cleaning up without being told - he gets a good boy sticker. After five of those he gets a confiscated toy back, a root beer float, or some other prize. I suggest you try that. This way the lines are clearly drawn, and there's no going back on the chart. If he still throws tantrums, isolate him from everyone and make sure everyone ignores him until he's finished throwing his fit. If he's not getting any attention for doing it, he won't want to do it anymore. Good luck!!