How Can I Communicate to My 2 1/2 Granddaughter That She Does Not Have an Active

Oh, this is tough. When my oldest was little, he started asking about dads when he was 3 (late talker)...why does Joey from daycare have a dad, where's my dad, my dad is going to pick me up and make me peanut butter sandwiches, my dad is going to do...whatever. Thing was, his biological father had left while I was pregnant so he had never met him.

I just kept it factual - here are some the responses I gave to different questions: everyone was made by a mother and a father, your father moved far away and I take care of you like two parents would. In some families, the mom and dad live together and in other families, they live apart. Some kids live with different parents than the ones who made them (in a conversation that segued into explaining a friend who adopted her nieces). Some kids live near both of their parents and spend time with both, some live with just one parent, like you and me (but aren't we lucky to have grandma and grampa and aunts and uncles too!).

In your situation, where she is younger and has known her mom, I would stick with keeping it simple for now and validating her feelings. "It sounds like you miss mommy" or "being apart from mommy makes you sad" along with "mommy lives far away now" or something similar, and then try to move her on to something else. I think it's important that she knows it's OK to miss her mom and be sad, and reassure her that her daddy and the rest of her family will take good care of her. That she was attached to her mom is emotionally healthy and what you would want to see - it would be unhealthy if she didn't connect with her and miss her in this way, so keep in mind that this is a positive and healthy reaction even though it hurts to see her hurt by her mom's absence. I wouldn't offer false hope about seeing her mom (it's amazing how they can latch on to a hope like that an even an early age).

Best of luck to all of you - my step-daughter's mother abandoned her to us when she was 13 and it's something that my SD will carry with her for life. She's a great kid and is happy and successful (she just turned 18 and is applying to colleges, etc. - all grown up now!) but she will always have to live with the emotional scars. I don't understand women who can't get it together enough to raise their children, but luckily your granddaughter has her dad, you and your family to fill that void, as my husband and I, and our extended circle of family and friends, were able to do for my SD.

she's a toddler. you can't 'communicate' this to her. trying to make her understand something so adult and complex would be very cruel.
is her mother out of her life completely? that's a very crucial piece of information you left out.
this tiny girl has a need for comfort. give her THAT. 'I'M here, my best sweetheart! what do you need? give me a hug and let's have a tea party!'
khairete
S.

welcome to mamapedia!!

So your former daughter in law (?) left 5 months ago and your grand daughter is just now asking about her? This is tough. Personally I would contact my pediatrician and ask for help in communicating with her since she doesn't understand why her mommy isn't there anymore.

You can't say too much because she won't get all of it.
You can't tell her mommy doesn't love her anymore - I know! You'd be surprised at the bad things people say when they are angry and hurt!

You need to keep it simple and stick to the facts. Mommy is not here right now. I don't know when mommy will be back.

I don't know what else to tell you. I'm sorry that your daughter in law took off and left your son and you to deal with this!! I hope you can get the help you need!

My daughter is adopted and sometimes asks about her birth mom. I explained that she had problems that she was dealing with and knew that she wasn't able to take care of you, and out of love she asked that I become you mom, which is true.

Whatever you do don't make her try to forget her mother. She was in her life for the first 2 years so it is hard not having her mother around. Explain that her mom wants Daddy to take care of her now but Mommy loves her very much.

You can also say that I know you want Mommy but Mommy has asked that Daddy take care of you. Don't go into too much detail as she is only 2.

Some moms leave their children out of selfishness but most do it for the love of the child. You don't want her to resent you for making her hate her Mom. Who knows she may come back soon. Good luck!!

She's too little to "communicate" this to, as Suz says.

I am a huge believer in public libraries and I think they - and their librarians - are one of the most underutilized resources around. Go on down there, and talk to the children's librarian. Explain that you are looking for toddler books about different types of families with different parental arrangements. You can say you are looking especially for something that deals with "no mommy" but I think it's beneficial for kids to see that there are many other family set-ups, not always based on a "what's missing" mentality. You can see what they have on the shelves, but you can also borrow - for free- any book from any other library in the system. They will order it, call or email you when it comes in, and then you can pick it up locally as well as return it when done. Read these books to her, not every single day, but mixed in with the other books. She isn't going to talk about it but, over time, she will absorb things about mommies and daddies and grannies.

It's important for kids to know who IS in their lives too. So surround her with more people who love her - relatives, close friends, etc.

And I agree of course with others below who say that she shouldn't be asked to handle more than she can understand, or to know really where her mommy is, or to process the reasons. It's also important to have some quick and gentle comebacks for places like day care and preschool and the doctor's office or even just "out in public" when people make comments about "What does you Mommy say?" or "Is her mother here for the appointment?" You need a 3 to 5 word response without explanation or excuses or embarrassment or excessive explanation. This is the same thing that gay couples go through, as well as adoptive parents. Find affirming and brief statements to move the conversation along.

"Honey, your mommy lives far away. They can't be here right now but they do love you. I'm sorry you miss her".

Just tell her she has a mommy but sometimes mommies can not be with their children, but that does not mean mommy does not love her, and leave it at that. Never bad mouth her mother or make it sound like she does not want her, that will only confuse and hurt the child. When she is older she can figure out things for herself as to how to feel about the mom she never sees, but right now she is too young there is no need to hurt her in order to punish her mom. (I am not saying you are trying to do this, but many do)