How Big Is Too Big

It is crazy that anybody should have to think that a baby should sleep on them or with them. Children, babies, and mama sleep better when given space and room and children need to sleep in thier own bed. You need your sleep and rest and if the baby is not allowing for that rest then you need to change something.

You are doing your best to keep him in his bed. Not every night will be easy. Just stick to what you are doing and he will get it. Once you have him sleeping in his bed the whole night you will be glad you stuck with keeping him there. Long night are part of being a mother to a little one. Just think in a couple of years you will have new issues to deal with. I am a firm believer that your children should be in their own bed. Almost all mothers go through what you are. Stick to your guns and hang in there. Tell your mother you aren't mean, you are just being a good mother. Remind her that it's your child, not her's.

I know its hard, but remember they are only little once. Cherish all you can while they still want to cuddle and need that feeling of securtiy.
Best wishes,
C. W

I read your problem this morning and have been thinking about it all day. It just came to me while I was putting my daughter's stuffed animals away that maybe your son is laying on you to hear your heartbeat and that is a comfort to him. When he hears it he knows your there and he can have peace of mind to sleep soundly. Maybe if you got him one of those teddy bears from Toys R Us or somewhere like that that makes a heartbeat sound then he could listen to that at night and it will give him the same safe and secure feeling he gets by sleeping on you. I'm one of those guilty parents of letting her kids sleep with her. I still rock my almost 4 yr old to sleep at night. But they are only little once so I do it to keep them close to me. Hopefully this suggestion will help you out.
S.

Well I guess you answered your own question. What worked for you mom does not have to work for everyone. You seem to have reached your point of it NOT being okay. I personally do not sleep well when my son crawls in bed with me so I try to keep him in his bed most of the time. You do not have to base your parenting on what is good for someone else. Quite frankly, if my mom told me that I would pop my son over to her at bedtime, go home and get a good night's sleep for myself.....lol. Put him to bed, establish a big guy routine like bath, story, cuddle time then sit in a chair or on the floor and wait a few minutes. I bought my son a "bed buddy" he only gets at bedtime and a fisher price safety flashlight cause it goes off by itself. It also works better for me if I didn't sit on the bed cause it is less disturbing to get up and leave from chair/floor rather than the bed. If he gets up, tell him it is bedtime and put him back in his bed. If he gets up again, put him back in his bed but do not speak to him. Leave the room. If you can do this for a few nights, consistently, he will start to get the idea. When he does stay in bed without intervention, give him a little treat. Yes for a few days you will be severly sleep deprived but this is when you are closer to winning the battle. It will get better.
C.

Wow!!! Each of these responses support your decision as they should. I was taken back that your Mother called you "mean". This is such a negative, hurtful and mean spirited comment. The experts don't support infants/children sleeping with parents and those opinions are based on research, studies and science.

I'm an older single mom that went through fertility to have my twin sons that are now 27 months old. My world is my home and children and I love nothing more than being with them - the closer the better. Yet it was and is very important for me not to set the precedent of them sleeping with me - based on the research and reading I did. I would have loved to have them sleep with me/on me but I didn't allow for what I believe is in their own best interest - not mine.

Best of luck to you, your family and your job search.

I have to agree with the last 4 or 5 moms. To be a good mom, you need rest. Getting a baby to understand that what mommy says, goes isn't easy, but their protests will not continue forever.
My son, who is 8 now, used to wake up at those wierd hours and would be wiggly, squirmy, and really restless when I'd let him lay with me. I began putting him in his playpen with 1 or 2 very safe toys and let him play himself out. I'd get up in an hour or two and he'd be sleeping soundly, cuddled up with his toy. I found that he slept his best when he slept alone. Oh, one more thing, I had a little white noise air filter fan in his room that really helped get him sleeping well because it blocked out sounds like my snoring or cars going by etc.
You're doing the right thing. My motto when my son was your childs age was.... "try everything".
You'll find that there are people in your life who will always have the opposite opinion of yours. This is your life, your child, and your choice. So, go with your gut.
I'm sure you're doing a great job.

Get him out of bed with you... this is his first step of independence and he will gain needed confidence from being on his own. Sleeping with your children cripples your mothering throughout the day and gives you no time away from your kids. Even the short night away makes you look even more forward to seeing them in the morning. It also strengthens your marriage by giving you some "down" time with your husband.

Most of all in mothering, follow your heat for you are his mother which is exactly what he needs. You are gifted to mother him in ways no other mother could and so for this reason you must follow your heart and instincts. Your child is so different from anyone else and will develop in his own way. By following your inner wisdom you allow him to develop into himself. You are doing a great job and your heart for him shines through!

Relax. Some people just like to sleep alone, and its alright. My son loves to sleep with me (he is 3 1/2) and until recently, now he sleeps in his own bed...thank God. But every couple of nights he goes throught that I want my mom thing, and well you son is 20 months, and maybe you are his security blanket. That is not a bad thing, I mean you could have a child that neverwanted to cuddle with you. Take every moment as blessing, he is not going to be 12 wanting to sleep with you... point is, this too shall pass, enjoy every minute that you can with him, because before you know it, it will be too late.

The job: it will come in due season, like I said before enjoy today, plan for tomorrow.

I think it is a very personal decision and there is no right or wrong. I know how you feel though because I never could do that with my daughter, even when she was a little bitty baby I couldn't stand for her to sleep on me. So even back then when she was 6 months old I just had to train her to sleep on her own. It may be harder since your son is older and is so used to sleeping on you, but you can take baby steps to getting him to sleep on his own. Go to you library and check out some books on training your child to sleep. There's also a few recommendations from other postings on this site. You are not wrong to feel the way you do though, I don't think it's being mean. You will be a better mom if you get a good night's rest, and it sounds like you can't really do that with your son sleeping on you. I know I really am not offering solutions, but mostly trying to reassure you that it's okay to feel the way that you do. =)

Hi M.,

I let my kids sleep with me. It helps them feel secure. My oldest still likes to sleep with me but doesn't put up much of a fight when I tell him no. He's 6. My baby only sleeps with me when I'm completely exhausted but he hasn't gotten used to it yet. You are not wrong for wanting him off your chest. You have to get a good night's sleep if you want to be able to function the next day. Have you tried laying on your side and letting him cuddle up to your chest with his head resting on your upper arm. That's how I would sleep with my son so I know I wouldn't roll over on him. It still keeps him close. Good luck!

Hi, this is J.
I am a mother of three & I really don't see anything wrong with our children sleeping with us sometime I think they need that extra little touch that they know that they are safe and we are not going to leave them 2 out 3 of my children are now married but ever now & then they know they can always come talk to me even if we are lying down just watching tv for example it seem to me that that their safe place do you remember talking to your mom or dad in that place where you felt safe no phone ringing just your time. my friend sits out side near a tree and that her time out for her and her kids to share I think that worth a million dollars may be thats waht he need to bond with you alittle more

My Dear God, you don't even need to ask if that is wrong or not, it is, no child has to sleep with his parents, and let alone on top of your chest, that is first bad for him, and second bad for you too, your lungs will suffer for the short breath, he needs to sleep in his own bed, and you most of all need your rest, Dealing with a baby is hard enough, but if you do not have the adecuate sleep, is going to make you tires, short tempered and very stress. Yes is time for you to stop that bad habit. Keep putting him back into his own bed, let him cry if he wants to, it will come a time when he will get the hint that something is not the same and get used to it. He will be a much happier baby when he will have his full amount of sleep, and so will you for that matter. Do nos listen to anybody who wants to tell you you are being a bad mother, because you are not, you are a wonderful mother who cares for your son and his well being. Good luck and take care.

G.

Mostly, I think you've been getting good advice. Everyone is different and if the time for you to stop him sleeping in your bed is now, then it's now. Personally, I never minded my son sleeping with me and actually miss it at times. My son is 7 now, but on occasion he will crawl into the bed with me. There was a time when we started telling him that he needed to sleep in his own room and it seemed we would never solve the problem, but we did. It will work out, just keep following your instincts. What we did was start out letting him lay down with us, but when it was time for sleep, he had to go to his own bed. He would fuss and cry and all that, but we were consistent and stuck with it. Over time he learned that, then we moved on to when it was time to lay down, he did it in his own bed and not ours...this was easier since we fought the battle over sleeping in his own bed...he knew we meant business. Do not feel that you are doing anything wrong. You are not. Everyone does things differently and it's not necessarily the wrong way. It's the way that works for them!

First of all you are not being mean. Your son is old enough to sleep by hisself, especially if you can't sleep with him. You need your rest also. And if he does wake up then just go in his room and pat is back or bottom until he falls asleep. don't get up and make breakfast at 5 in the morning or he will get used to that and know that when he wants to wake up then you will to no matter what time it is. When my kids were around 6 months old I quit putting them in the bed with me. I would usually let them in the bed when they would wake up at around 4 or 5 in the morning. They quickly learned that they weren't getting in the bed with me when they woke up early and they started to sleep till around 8 in the morning on their own. So you are not being mean you are just doing what you think is right for you and your child. Don't let you mom or anyone else make you feel like a mean or bad mother. You are his mother and there is nothing wrong with him learning how to sleep on his own in his own bed. Good Luck.

I THINK THAT YOU'VE HIT THE POINT WHEN IT'S TIME TO STOP. WHEN IT'S MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE AND HINDERING YOUR SLEEP OR BREATHING, THEN IT'S TIME TO STOP. I THINK IF YOU CONTINUE TO PUT HIM BACK IN HIS BED, HE WILL EVENTUALLY GET THE HINT. IN NO WAY ARE YOU BEING MEAN, THERE IS NO SENSE IS HAVING A CHILD SLEEP ON YOUR CHEST AFTER A YEAR OLD. THEY SHOULD BE INDEPENDENT ENOUGH BY THAT POINT TO SLEEP IN THEIR OWN CRIB OR TODDLER BED, OR ATLEAST NEXT TO YOU IN THE SAME BED, BUT UNFORTUNATELY SOME WOULD SAY THAT THEY SHOULD NOT BE IN YOUR BED. TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT IT'S PROBABLY NOT THE BEST IDEA, MY SON IS ALMOST 4 AND JUST STARTED SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED. WE'VE SHARED A ROOM SINCE HIS BIRTH, SO HE THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY TO SLEEP WITH ME EVEN THOUGH HE HAD HIS OWN BED. WE JUST RECENTLY MOVED SO THAT HE HAS HIS OWN ROOM/BED AND HAS SLEPT IN THERE EVERY NIGHT WITH VERY LITTLE PROBLEMS.

SUPER NANNY AND NANNY 911 WOULD SAY TO KEEP PUTTING HIM BACK IN HIS OWN BED UNTIL HE GETS THE HINT.

I HOPE THIS HAS HELPED. I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK.

M.

M.,

My babies slept in their own room from the day we left the hospital. My theory is that I am a much better mom in the day if I can get my sleep at night. There is nothing wrong with you wanting your bed to yourself and your child is certainly old enough to sleep by himself. Continue to reinforce to him that he needs to sleep in his own bed. Don't worry about him feeling insecure. There is a great confidence in gaining some level of independence. (One of the most frequent compliments I am given about my children is how confident they are and none of them have ever spent a single night in my bed.)

Best of luck,
S.

I know exactly how you feel and I don't think you were being mean at all. I breastfed my two boys til they were 16 months and when I was done...I was DONE. I didn't want my kids laying on me or even sleeping under me. I required space and there were times when they weren't trying to give it to me so I would push them over to daddy and get into their beds. I understand the frustration. What I learned was to take about three deep breathes sometimes ten and try to deal THE BEST WAY I KNEW HOW.

M.
mother of two boys (four and two)

You know nothing irritates me more than when someone has a comment about how I want to raise my children. You are not wrong. If it works for you, then keep going like your going. If your son is happy then there is nothing wrong.
I am happy that things worked out for your mom with the sleeping arrangements but if it doesn't work for you then everyone should respect that.
Follow your own instincts....

Break the habit now! I have a friend with an 11 year old who gets out of his bed EVERY night and gets into theirs. They also have a 3 year old that has never slept in his bed. This is so not good for the children. Your son might cry for a while for a couple of nights, but he will eventually realize that you are not giving in. Sounds really mean, but it works.

LEt me first start by saying, what you don't fix now will be harder to fix the older he is! I have a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old, and we still hae issues with our 5 year old sleeping through the night. It was just always "easier" to let her sleep with us....wrong. The other bad habit is that she likes to have "snuggle time" with daddy in the evening on the couch, but has to completely asleep before you can move her to her own bed. She then wakes up and starts throwing a fit, which gets really old. On the other hand, my 2 yr old goes to bed super easy, all I say is time to go nite nite and we go to her room. I learned from our first child and did not want to repeat the situation. Even for nap time she goes to her bed awake and puts herself to sleep. She has neer known anything differently.

Our newest thing with our 5 yr old to break her from the "snuggle time" is she picks out 2 books for one of to read to her in her bed, that is her snuggle time and our total attention is focused on her. The deal is that if she crys and throws a fit, there will be no cartoons the following day, and it has worked. Our 2 yr old enjoys books as well and wants to do what big sister does, so she gets book time as well even though she will go to sleep on her own. She gets so excited about the books, that right after bath time she gets her book and hops into bed and yells for me to come read them.

Maybe you can do sometthing special like that so that he will enjoy going to his room and staying there. They are old enough to understand that they must stay in their room. We also close her door which she can't open yet, and she has a night lite.

I hope some of this helps!

A.

This is only for you to decide, cuddling is great too.
My daughter slept on my husbands chest for a long time and now shes 7 and cant sleep by herself, My other two children could go to sleep by them selves because I didnt do that.It is a good bonding, I do not think you are mean for not wanting to do that, the weight is heavy, I find laying close to my 7 year old, on my side, she snuggles to my belly, which is still as big as it was when I was pregant, lol and its a comforting feeling for us both.
D.