Honoring Father-in-law at Christmas

Talk to his wife and see if she's up for something like that. It might be too h*** o* her.

I don't know if I'd want to have something "in my face" where I had to sit in the room with it the whole time I was there.

So I'd make her a part of it. That way she can be prepared to see it and enjoy the day otherwise.

I don't know if this is a good idea or not but when my brother in law passed very unexpectedly I purchased a journal for people to write their favorite memory about him in it. It was left out so that everyone could write in it as they wanted. I don't know if maybe purchasing a Christmas themed journal and have it where people could share their favorite Christmas memory with your Father in law.

If there's a Christmas ornament that reminds you of him, you could place it by the candle and picture.

I also think the candle with his picture is a great idea. I ordered one from Etsy that had a photograph of my friend with a poem that I used at her daughter's bridal shower because she wanted her "mother to be there".

I am sorry your family is going through this. You are very thoughtful and I'm sure whatever you decide it will be perfect.

Blessings!
L.

A relative of ours, always sets a tall beer down in honor of his dad who passed fairly recently. His seat at the head of the table remains empty.

We drink a toast at thanksgiving, giving thanks for all those loved ones who are here with us to celebrate the day, and for those who are not and no longer with us.

I like your candle/ wreath idea. I think it's a lovely and understated way of handling it.

Best,
F. B.

Talk to your husband and your MIL. That may be too much for them to deal with for the entire day or they may appreciate it. Everyone grieves in different ways so ask him what he thinks.

A simple way to honor him would be at the dinner to do a toast (traditional in my family) "to absent friends and relatives and those who have passed on".

You might also consider some of 'his' music in the background, as well as some discretely placed photo albums. Maybe a favorite 'dish' for him? I know for my dad, we still do turnips at the holidays in his memory. No one really 'likes' them, but I make them, and all the kids have a 'taste' in his memory!

So sorry for your loss.

I wish you a happy holiday season...in spite of your loss.

I think it would be better to not do something in-your-face at the Christmas gathering. Take a bit of time for people to tell a story about him, make a toast at the meal, etc. Those things are sweet in remembrance but won't cast a permanent pall over the day like being faced with a mini shrine would do.

I have a friend who remembers her grandparents by saying a prayer, toasting them (with hot chocolate since they would have that every evening before bed) and then an "I remember..." They would go around the table. It gets emotional and sometimes deep depending on what is said. But it also brings out laughter and joy in remembering someone that is gone.

You could consider a family project, either a scrapbook (or virtual scrapbook) or a video of compiled photos and video that family members can contribute. This might be a good thing for the grown sons, or perhaps some of the older grandchildren, depending on their ages. Adding in some of Grandpa's favorite music in the background, or songs that remind people of him, can be nice. It's a great way for family members to focus on what's really important about Christmas, which is not the gifts but the spirit. If the family is religious, that can work, but if they are not, it still works. I find that most kids 12 and up are pretty adept at computers, graphics, and so on - everyone could have the "assignment" of scanning what they have and then either sending it to the more computer-savvy grandchildren (or sons) or bringing it all together when they arrive to put the finishing touches on it. It could include some interviews with family members about what they remember about Grandpa/Dad and what his legacy is. It could be sad, sensitive or amusing - or a mix of all three. There's no "right" way to mourn. What a nice thing for your mother-in-law, but everyone could have a copy of it.

There's also a company called "Reflections" that creates memory lamps. There are a bunch of them around, but I happen to have visited one near me and I know the owner ships the lamp of your choice plus a small framed poem about the deceased person. These are often used at funeral homes in lieu of flowers, but it could also be used in your home - perhaps put it on a side table with the poem and a few framed photos? Here's the link to this store but you could try to find one closer to you if you think that's important. http://www.reflectionsofmarlborough.com

It's nice to do some fun things and have some laughs too, so don't make it all somber.

The candle idea is nice but don't let it burn unattended, especially all night, unless it's in a tall glass hurricane lamp. and with table protection underneath.

I hope things go well for your family - holidays can be tough especially when grief is new.

Can you get together his pictures and put them on a power point presentation with music? If you can't, maybe you have a friend who could? You could put it on the computer and just let it play so that everyone can go over and see it at their leisure.

We've done this for a few family members who passed away. Seeing them in happy times is so comforting.

My Mom just passed away right before Thanksgiving. We didn't do anything like you are proposing. That would have been too much. We talked about her and laughed and had a wonderful family time. I know she was with us that day smiling and enjoying her family.

Talk with your MIL. See what her thoughts are on this.