Homework Woes - Virginia Beach,VA

I would have her evaluated by a professional, who is not her Mom. I would also have her eye checked by a behavioral opthemologist (just to make sure their isn't something happening visually that could explain the problem.) Kids will often "turn the dumb on" to avoid things that are uncomfortable. She may need reading glasses just to make things more comfortable. My daughter got them in third grade.

It is possible that the school work is hard and that she has some trick to get by in class. Like the teacher talks out loud so much that your daughter can gain enough information that she doesn't need to read too much at school. She may actually have and auditory issue, that sounding out isn't something she can do. She may have memorized enough words that this isnt' being caught at school.

It is also possible that making the effort to stay "focused" in class all day is all she can do. She may be on "empty" when she comes home and tries to do homework. One of my sisters children had this problem when he was younger. They had an accomodation from the school that all his homework for the week was do the following Monday. They would do an 30 minutes to an hour each night (always stopping before things got out of hand), and everything else was done on the weekend, when he didn't have to go to school all day and focus. Then they could turn everything in together on Monday.

When are you doing the homework? My Mom always gave us an hour of "running around" before having us do homework when we were this age. She also always tried to have it done before dinner, because if she waited until after dinner, we were too tired. If the weather is nice, my children play on the playground at school for about an hour before we come home. If the weather isn't nice, I usually give them a break and let them just hang out for about an hour, before I make them go do their homework. Then they get it done before dinner, and it isnt' too big a deal.

Good Luck!

Updated

I would have her evaluated by a professional, who is not her Mom. I would also have her eye checked by a behavioral opthemologist (just to make sure their isn't something happening visually that could explain the problem.) Kids will often "turn the dumb on" to avoid things that are uncomfortable. She may need reading glasses just to make things more comfortable. My daughter got them in third grade.

It is possible that the school work is hard and that she has some trick to get by in class. Like the teacher talks out loud so much that your daughter can gain enough information that she doesn't need to read too much at school. She may actually have and auditory issue, that sounding out isn't something she can do. She may have memorized enough words that this isnt' being caught at school.

It is also possible that making the effort to stay "focused" in class all day is all she can do. She may be on "empty" when she comes home and tries to do homework. One of my sisters children had this problem when he was younger. They had an accomodation from the school that all his homework for the week was do the following Monday. They would do an 30 minutes to an hour each night (always stopping before things got out of hand), and everything else was done on the weekend, when he didn't have to go to school all day and focus. Then they could turn everything in together on Monday.

When are you doing the homework? My Mom always gave us an hour of "running around" before having us do homework when we were this age. She also always tried to have it done before dinner, because if she waited until after dinner, we were too tired. If the weather is nice, my children play on the playground at school for about an hour before we come home. If the weather isn't nice, I usually give them a break and let them just hang out for about an hour, before I make them go do their homework. Then they get it done before dinner, and it isnt' too big a deal.

Good Luck!

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My daughter had this same problem in first grade. Her teacher's recommendation was to give her 30 minutes to complete her work and whatever wasn't done, would remain incomplete. The first day we set the timer and when she didn't finish, she was upset and but we said "that's it for today. You will have to turn in unfinished work." The next day she was able to get it all done in time. We did tell her that it was her teacher's rule and my daughter really cared about completing her work. Not sure it would work if your daughter doesn't care. My daughter is now a straight A student in 8th grade.

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This sounds like what I was just dealing with downstairs. My daughter seems to what to do a great job for everyone except me. She wants me to do her homework. Instead of turning the dumb on-she says she is too tired to do it. You have the psychology degree, but I do say things to my daughter like. Your teacher wants you to do this here. What does your teacher want there? To remind her she isn't doing the homework for me.

We break up the homework. Get up and go outside. Tonight she had to write 15 sentences of spelling words. I was going to let her watch tv and at every commercial write 5. She sat down and wrote all 15. I do think the get this little bit done at a time. Maybe 10 to 15 minutes. Then go do some else outside, of watch tv, play and come back to it with a fresh head. If she see the big stack of homework and has to get it all done it is too overwhelming.

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D.:

I sooo feel your pain. There are times when homework is a breeze and things are right with the world and then there are THOSE days!!

When my boys come home from school, i give them 30 minutes of free play - that means snack, watch TV, play on the computer, go outside and ride bikes, WHATEVER - but when that 30 minutes is up - it's buckle down time. Does this always work? No. But it works more often than not.

Make sure that she does homework in the same place every day without any background noise (no tv, radio).

Work with the teacher so you know what's she's doing in school as well.
make homework time FUN - get the blocks or even the Leap Frog letters, etc. I have the Leap Frog Twist - math and spelling - the boys "play" with it to learn stuff.

Give her a set time to get her homework done. If it's not done - don't yell and scream - just say "okay - times up" - if she's not done - then the consequence is no tv, computer, dessert or whatever for that night.

If you can afford it - get a tutor - we are considering this because even though I'm a stay at home mom - I freely admit that I don't have the patience to watch my boys "do dumb" and they do - kids KNOW how to push your buttons and they will - especially if it will keep them from doing something they don't want to do.

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That sounds like first grade for my daughter.
Second Grade we got the ADHD dx and she was put on meds . It was like night and day.
Homework at our house had to be done right after school. The more tired she is the harder it is to get her to do it. We not only added the meds we changed homework habits, play music while she's doing it , and I don't hover. She sits down does her homework on her own and comes and gets me if she needs help. If she does not finish her homework I let her suffer the consequences at school, she looses recess.
I found the more I pushed or hung out the harder she'd push back, I go check on her if she's not done in 30 mins , Remind her of the consequences of not doing her homework.

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What time do you have her do her homework? If it is after dinner, then you have lost her. She needs to have like 30 minutes of snack and break time after school and start homework asap. My son hates homework. If I wait after dinner it can take hours, he is also 7 and also in 2nd grade. But he gets out of school at 2:50 I let him run around the school yard for 20-30 minutes home for a snack and straight to HW. He doesn't want to do it even then, but does it and all is complete including reading in 30 minutes. Hope this helps

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you say she has been diagnosed ADHD, is she being treated? this sounds like my brother twenty years ago before ADD was a popular diagnosis. he is now treated and quite sucessful but the whole family still talks about the hours he spent at the dining room table just not able to complete his work. it may be different in class because the teacher may be very good at mixing things up and keeping the learning lively. if your daughter really seems to have no control bribes and punishments will have no effect. i think if i were you i would talk to the school nurse and/or your pediatrician and find a specialist to help with the ADHD. after some personal trauma i always reccommend going to a specialist for drugs of this nature and not to get them from the family doctor until you have a plan. good luck!

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Pne thing I found that helped my son was to take him to the library and go into a cublicle or room with only his homework and a desk. The quiet and lack of distractions helped him focus.

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I know with my 2nd grader, if he comes home, get a snack & does his homework right away, it's a breeze. If we wait til before bedtime--NIGHTMARE!
Not sure if this applies in your case but doing it right away works for us better.

Also, I like the idea of doing small "chunks" of projects instead of laying it all out there--maybe it seems overwhelming?

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homework should not be this stressful or take up this much life. stop the rewards and punishments, and give ownership of this to your child. let her work on it for 30 minutes, working well or not as she pleases. at the end of 30 minutes put the books away. her grades will suffer. it's okay.
parents get really attached to grades, which makes sense but only up to a point. good grades are important, but creating competent useful adults is way more important, and in your daughter's case you have two excellent reasons to back off. first of all, this really is your daughter's issue that you have taken over. give it back to her. secondly, your overall family life is suffering, and this is WAY too important to surrender. if she gets a zero tomorrow she's going to have to figure out what to do about that, but in the meantime you have an evening that you will never get back to enjoy each other.
when my son was in first grade i went to his wise, wonderful teacher with this exact issue. i followed her advice and never regretted it. both my boys have been in charge of their own work ever since, and generally have done well, both through public school and homeschool, and are now both doing great in college.
stop feeling helpless. it's not your homework. give her help when she asks for it, and other than that, leave it to her.
khairete
S.

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I would get rid of using any punishments and rewards. This is likely something she doesn't understand and already feels bad about and can't control. I used to struggle with this too, but it doesn't seem like it was to the extent it is for your daughter. Instead, try to focus on being supportive. Don't ask why she can't get it, and don't ask what the teacher did. Set up a small learning environment-a desk complete with a map or something similar on the wall in front of it, pencils and erasers at the ready, a calculator, etc. Try to encourage not getting upset. "Yes, I know it takes a while, and that can be really hard, but lets remember that we can always stop and take a deep breath and drink some (water/juice/milk/etc) then get back to work on it. It's not the end of the world, but we do want to get the work done so it won't affect your grades in the future." Constantly affirm that she's not doing something wrong. I was convinced I was stupid b/c I struggled with homework, yet my classmates and teachers in my honors and advanced placement classes never did, but it all went back to how my parents handled it. Start reading with her-novels like the Little House on the Prairie books, etc, things above her reading level, and work with her on a new word each week. (One she's probably also learning in school.) These can be written on 3x5 index cards and kept at the learning center/desk for review. Try to review 2-3 a day, and mix them up. As she gets better, do 5-10 a day. She may feel like she's "on the spot" when she gets home. I'm a Christian. I was raised in church and I heard all the Bible stories. But, my father-in-law does a "Bible trivia" game. I'm terrible. I don't remember all the details so much as the general idea, but when I'm asked a question on the spot it doesn't matter- my mind goes blank. Even knowing it was coming when my boyfriend and I dated didn't help. Trying to prepare for it didn't help. I just froze up. I would try leaving that stuff all together. Go over it as you know it, ask her if she has a question about what you're saying, etc. And focus on being patient. If she looks like she's close to crying, hug her and tell her you love her. It may seem like it will just increase time, but my dad's questions of "Why don't you understand this?" "Why don't you remember?" etc, all led me to believe that I was stupid, and I certainly didn't feel loved, and it didn't help me remember at all. I don't know that your daughter is like me, but I still think the best thing you may be able to do is reinforce your love for her. For me, it got to the point where I would rather my grade suffer than ask my dad for help. You don't want that, but it's early enough that you can change it. Buy some math homeschooling books-I saw you are in VA Beach-I remember one store I went to there that I thought had good homeschool stuff around the Wal-Mart off Princess Anne, I believe. I could be completely off though. You can email me at ____@____.com if you want me to try to find it. I have my son do that kind of stuff, and it helps him without grilling him about what they did at school. Hope you guys find something that works for you!

Maybe you could take your daughter to an educational diagnostician to determine the problem and develop and implement a solution. There is a difference between a child being "compliant "at school and truly doing well. Make sure she is grasping the subject matter and doing in-class assignments. Have you seen or heard of "Waiting for Superman"? This movie came out a week ago-it deals with the massive problem in education in the US. Over 2000 schools in our country have a 40% drop out rate. Check it out. Also, one approach may be to let your daughter do her homework on her own, to the best of her ability-then turn it in, such as it is, and let the paid professionals deal with it-that's their job! Let them, God forbid, figure out what the obstacles are and what needs to be done.
My middle son abhored homework, he did well in school and just got a BS in biotech-so don't worry. Conversely,my son with the 148 IQ dropped out of high school and later got a diploma because he scored so high on the GED . He wouldn't do homework-but would ace an algebra test-infuriating!
One thing you may be able to do is have a talk with her-tell her that after school,she is going to have a special snack(please not sugar) and then start homework-don't spring it on her-tell her it is a plan to help her be successful. Good luck!

You might need more information from the teacher. Is there a great deal of writing or narration required in the classroom? If there's more narration, but writing to do homework, your daughter could be having trouble with the writing. Many children with LD go undiagnosed because they can hide in a classroom; whereas homework forces them to work directly with their parent. What exactly is she required to "do" in the classroom that makes this a surprise to the teacher. If your daughter is quiet and asks one or two questions and passes her coursework with a B or C, the teacher might think there's no problem.

Hi D.,

It sounds to me like it is too easy for her. She needs more of a challenge. Homework is simply a review of what was taught in school, or it is supposed to be, so the extra work at home is boring to her. As a teacher, that is the first thing that I thought, and please be careful with the ADHD label. Many kids that do have it, use it to their advantage - kids with ADHD are usually very bright. Don't let her fall into the stereotype!

Good luck,
L.

An elementary-school child really shouldn't have much homework. The rest of her life, play and physical activity are all important, after spending a day in school, and I'd think this would be particularly true for an ADHD child.

I hope parents of elementary children who bring home a burdensome amount of homework every day will listen to a talk by educator Alfie Kohn at this link: http://www.alfiekohn.org/books/hm.htm

But assuming that the type and quantity of homework is reasonable and beneficial, I strongly recommend the lovely little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It coaches parents on how to make the child a working part of any solution, and because the kids get to help determine their future course, they are invested in making it work. Brilliant book, with many wonderful and effective techniques. I use it with my 4.5yo grandson all the time, and we have the most marvelous team interactions.

Try a timer and have your daughter work in 10-15 minute blocks. Most students like to finish before the timer goes off...it's kind of a game. I use a timer in my classroom and it's amazing how quickly students can work when they know what the expectation is. And, no, as a rule, quality doesn't suffer, but it's always smart to check things over!

Another idea is to sit at the table with her (and the timer) and work on your own projects. Agree upon a non-verbal cue to get her refocused. With my youngest, I wouldn't even look up, I would simply tap the tabletop three times. It seemed to work for him.

Good luck!

Maybe the homework is harder for your daughter than you think. What if you had to go to work all day, then bring work home at night. It gets to be too much. Schools give out way to much homework. Try to make it fun. If it takes hert 2 hours then it takes 2 hours. Dont expect her to finish when you think she should. I think they expect to much from kids and Diagnosis them with ADHD if they are not robots.

Maybe change the current routine? A welcome home snack and let her just forget about school for a bit when she first gets home. Maybe you are waiting until too late in the day to do the homework? I'd say change the schedule, sit with her, don't make her feel rushed, don't make her feel like homework is a chore, make it a fun time for you and her to sit and learn together.