Homework Dilemas

I have a 6th grade daughter and I am having a time with her doing homework. She has told me the same thing you have stated. I too was stressing out and worried I had made a mistake putting her in a Magnet program and that it was to much for her. After awhile all my friends told me I was being to h*** o* myself and to let it be. She is old enough to decide on her own and if she wants good grades it is up to her. The first time I was called by one of her teachers because she didn't do homework on time was the last. She now does it with a little reminding and on her first report card she had a great grade point average. Good luck.

The homework thing is a *classic* symptom of adhd (as are the high test scores). The phrase "does not regularly or consistently complete or turn in homework" could be tattooed on every adhd kid alive, right next to "does not preform to potential". Classic punishments/rewards nearly never work on adhd kids. For some ideas... try reading the bool "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!?" by Kate Kelley & Peggy Ramundo.

Now it might not be adhd at all, but for the vast majority of people *I* know with adhd (myself included), we were all dx'd right about the beginning of puberty/prepubescence. Add hormones, add boring classes, take away recess... and *poof* perfect storm for every negative aspect to wear a neon sign. (There are tons of positive aspects... drive, creativity, etc... but they tend to get overshadowed by constantly being late having forgotten what you needed, either at home or to do it at all). I personally made my mum's life a nightmare from ages 9-11. So it may well not be the divorce one bit. ADHD kids also tend to be in the gifted spectrum. So couple a VERY bright mind, with the inability to focus on anything boring even when you want to, and you've got double the fun. (OTW known as 2e) One of the biggest tricks with adhd is to assign much HARDER work, to keep it interesting.... and to allow a great deal of choice and control for the student. But like I said, it might not be adhd at all.

Check out that book though. Lots of info and strategies.

I see that you have tried many different incentives or punishments and have pretty much talked til your out of breath, but have you ever tried teaching him how to get organized and how to study? I don't say that sarcastically, it's just that what seems like common sense to some (i.e. write down your assignments, bring home your books, study your books, pass the test) doesn't come that easily to some kids. They really are doing everything they can think of to "study" but they're not doing it productively and they get frustrated because their efforts are not rewarded.

Many years ago I was the assistant director of a learning center and I spent most of my time working with jr high and high school kids on study skills. In many cases they really didn't know how to get themselves organized to get the job done and needed me to point out even the basics (ex, write down your assignments and LOOK AT IT while you pack your backpack at your locker). Many write down the assignments in class but don't look at the list until they are home and find they don't have the proper materials. Also for some studying for a test just means re-reading the chapter or their notes but for others it's hard for them to pick out the important information when reading and they need to use some study skills to help them identify and organize the main points.

Good luck,
K.

I completely understand your frustration I went through the same thing with my son. The only advice I can give to you is not to stop pushing him. It sounds like you are giving up and if you give up then he will give up. If I let my son do things his way I am positive he wouldn't have made it through college. Yes, he tormented me and yes it was horrible but I refused to give up. I too was divorced and although I remarried a wonderful man who my son loves he was sometimes very sad and unmotivated. I know you are trying to teach him responsibility but with some kids they just can't see down the road and to be frank just don't care. This was the case with my son he wanted it all but didn't want to do the work to get there. He thought it was going to just happen. So I pushed, when he went to high school I got progress reports, talked to his counselors, and did whatever I had to to get him through. My son was the type when he was overwhelmed he would just shut down so I would help him. I am not sure if what I was doing was always right but I didn't know what else to do then to stay on him. When he was in his teens he suffered from depression and that made things even worse. Does your son seem sad at times? My son like yours was very bright he was in all the gifted programs at school, so intelligence was never an issue he was very capable he just stopped caring. I know how hard it is but please don't give up on him. If you think it may help get him counseling, I did for my son. It took 4 counselors to find one that clicked but it helped. Does your son see his dad? My ex just walked away when he was in 8th grade so I think that played a huge role in his low self esteem and depression issues. On the bright side my son just turned 25 last weekend and works as a counselor for troubled teens, ironic HUH!!! Hang in there the light is at the end of the tunnel.

has this always been an issue, or is it more recent? reading your description makes me think of executive function disorder - but maybe not if you're thinking that this is a new behavior associated with your separation from your spouse. just something to look into - maybe for some strategies to use more than anything else.

Carl Pickhardt, specializes in Only children, Teenagers and children of divorce.

http://carlpickhardt.com/parentarticles.html

I have heard him speak many times and he is a common sense Psychologist.. Consider purchasing one of his books. It really helps to see that you are not alone and your child is like most every other 6th grader..

6th grade is a huge adjustment. This is the year the kids are expected to be responsible for their own work. To find a way to manage their own time and to become organized.. It may not be the way we want it to be, but if you can let him figure it out instead of you telling him.. He can make this work.

I remember Carl saying., "let your child earn their real grades." Middle school is a safe place to d o this cause the grades do not count towards College.. This way your child will have to take responsibility for how the grade ended up.. Speak with his team of teacher and your exhusband, let them know you are not going to "save" your son. Let them know that your son needs to see how his natural behavior affects his grades. Then speak with your son and tell him "I know you can do this and you are old enough to make this all happen, so I am no longer to ask you about your homework." Then really do it.. Let him know if he needs help or suggestions he will need to ask for it from you or his teachers.

It is hard to allow them to fail, but I promise you it works..

I am sending you strength. Your son can and will do this.

I haven't read any of the other posts so I don't know if my opinion is simmilar or way different.

Many kids in Jr High WANT to be independent, or their parents want them to, but they just aren't ready. Especially the boys.

You have two choices:

The first, let him fly on his own, get the bad grades. But keep in mind this may not faze him. Or he may give up, seeing no results. Or it may just close doors to him early on (eg by not doing well in a math class, his poor work habits may keep him on a lower track unnecesarrily, he may not be eligible for more advanced classes).

Choice 2, continue to monitor- constantly . if he is getting his organizer signed and checked daily by a teacher, at least you know what is due every day and what to make him study for. then make him do it. At the end of every night, go through to make sure it is all done, put it all in the appropriate folders so he knows where to find it when it is time to turn it in, and tell him how proud you are of what a thorough job he did that night (even if it was mostly you helping organize it). I understand you still have no control over whether he turns it in at the point... but let's think about baby steps here... if he can't be responsible for that one little thing on his own (taking it out when the teacher asks for it) then he REALLY isn't ready to be responsible for the whole she-bang, start to finish, with no help from you.

Personally, I would stick with the monitoring. Some kids just need that more than others to get it done. I am a school counselor for Jr. High and I actually feel really bad for the kids who are so bright and capable, but organizationally or motivationally challenged, that get not support from their parents because the parents think they should be doing it all on their own all the sudden. That's what parents are for- to guide, supervise, lay down the law, build up the habits.

I think I don't have to say this but obviously I am not talking about actually doing the work for the kid, just sitting them down and making them get through it. And making it your business to know every little thing they have to do for the next day.

This sounds like my 6th grader. We recently did a short stint of counseling (mainly because of social difficulties at school), and the counselor was quick to assure me that many of the things you mention (laziness, lack of organization, etc) are typical of boys this age, especially when they are physically growing so fast and dealing with hormonal swings.

I also "stepped back" in terms of homework this year, with the same thoughts as you. I had tried everything else, and I feel he's old enough to be responsible for the consequences of his behavior. It hasn't worked with my son, so I'm having to re-group and try something else. It's exhausting, never knowing how best to help. Let's keep in mind the "big picture" - this is only a part of their experience in growing up, and hopefully, they are learning life lessons. (Anything I can tell myself so *I* don't get overwhelmed and "give up"! lol)

It's great that your son wants a scholarship......maybe that will help to motivate him, or if not, he will experience the direct consequences of his inaction.

I'll be watching the responses to this.......I'm right there with you.

5 of my 8 kids wouldn't do homework or would half-do homework. When I got home from work I would review their homework and have them make corrections so the homework was correct when it was handed in. Then I would look at their organizer to make sure they handed it in the next day. (I went to a parent teacher conference and the teacher(s) and I worked out this proceedure.)
We, my wife and I, would take the kids with straight A's some place special for every report card. It worked wonderfully for three of my kids and they ended up doing homework on their own. The other two I struggled with all the way through high school.
The results: All of my kids are in college or have graduated. The one I struggled with the most is going to graduate as a doctor and will start his residency this fall. I don't know if he will ever say "thank you", but his wife has. :)

Good luck to you.

Hi -
Good for you for telling your son how important homework is to learning. I have a couple of thoughts:
* Since you are separated - do you know what his dad's stand is on homework (e.g. does he stress the importance as much as you do?) - If not this could be part of the issue
* I think you may have already said this but something that one of my friend's father said to me growing up that has always stuck with me is "education is the one thing that no one can take away from you" - It sounds like he feels that education is important (e.g. wanting a scholarship)
* growing up i remember my cousin was very smart but never did his homework and of course his grades decreased b/c homework become part of your grades. Maybe talking to him about how proud you are that he wants to get a scholarship. Then sit down with him and make a list of "goals" that need to be achieved in order to meet his goal (e.g. homework, studying, earning good grades on tests, the grade that he needs in order to earn a scholarship, etc)

I have 3 pdf handouts on:
* Organizational tips for students
* Tips for homework
* “Student Control Journal” (teaches kids how to organize themselves without parents needing to tell them and how to get “stuff” (chores, homework, etc) done without making it feel like work)

If you would like any or all of these handout please let me know

Good luck!

This worked all the time. When my kids didn't want to do their homework I said, "Well that's OK just remember that someone has to work at (insert the name of a fast food chain here.....my favorite was Taco BEll) and if you want that to be you then OK. That did it every time.....2 graduated from college, the third finishing his first year.

One thing I did to help myself was buy an organizer like this: http://www.smead.com/Director.asp?NodeID=272&group=0&...

which helped me to see what I had for each class and whatever. I dont know if it would help your son, but it helped me.

I know that this is an old post but here is a thought. You child may not be depressed, but when a child experiences his parents separation their whole energy pattern is disrupted and it is very difficult for a person of any age to concentrate.

Cutting edge therapy is now focused on doing energy work because talk therapy and behavior mod (like writing a schedule) do not work until the unconscious disruption of energy patterns is reorganized and the person doesn't feel overwhelmed.

The disrupted energy pattern "runs" the person and they have no control over their actions.

(Former therapist)

This is something that worked for my son MANY years ago when he was in 3rd grade in an advanced math group. He was capable of doing the work but the excuses were just like your son's. The school gave us a 2nd book to leave at home. We got a list of kids phone numbers so that he could call them when he forgot what the homework assignment was. The school allowed him to do 1/2 of the homework of the other kids because he was bright enough to learn it with less work. Overnight, his attitude changed and by the 4th grade, he was able to do all the work and not have a second set of books at home.

Boys tend to be immature and have a great deal of trouble with organization. My son's school helped get him on the right track again.

We went through much of the same with my oldest step-son in middle school. It even caused him to get kicked out of the honors program. Stick to your guns!!! Find the thing that really hurts him if you take it away. Even though Little League and Pony doesn't have grade requirements we have always enforced 3.0 to our boys. Making him sit on the bench during a game made a big impact. Kids can be nasty at this age and his teammates really gave it to him. Don't know what switch got flipped but we now have a high schooler with a 4.0!!! Thank God for whatever happened!!!