HOMEWORK Battlewith Two Sons

I think you should rule out any type of learning disability, attention deficit, etc. You could also try saying to the kids, "If you can't do it, that's fine, but tomorrow on the way in to school, let's stop by the principal's office and explain the trouble you are having in focusing. She might have some ideas." My son didn't want to get up in the morning and wanted me to drive him in later. Suggesting that we stop by the principal's office to explain why he didn't want to come to school actually solved the problem very quickly! It's not about being afraid of the principal, it's about having to justify that which is not justifiable. On the other hand, if there are focus issues, those are legitimate and an experienced educator can be very helpful, so you are covered either way. If they prefer doing without video games, that's great on several levels! Sometimes involving a new expert (e.g. principal) puts things on a serious level - from the standpoint ALWAYS of looking for new strategies - and puts you all on the level of looking for help. A head's-up call to principal in advance will help a lot.

Good luck

Hi B. J, Don't worry its going to get better. I have two wonderful children, a son who is 15 and a daughter who is 11. I taught my son early on to do his homework as soon as he gets home from school, that way he has the whole night to do anything else he wants. He really didn't like school until 6th grade. Now my daughter is a different story, she hates school and homework. I have to say it hasn't been easy, a lot of crying. I have said you can do the homework with me or when daddy comes home, that has worked. I've been having them do there homework together at the kitchen table and having them do it right after school with some snacks. My husband will sit with her too. You just have to keep at it and stay strong. Have your husband help and you will get results. I lost my mother when my son was 1 1/2. Its really hard but know there are people who care. Hope this helps.

It is hard, you have my sympathy. I have a 15 yr old son and homework has been a sore spot for as long as I can remember. The easiest thing for him is routine. He does his homework at the kitchen counter (on a stool) while I cook dinner. It helps.

Does the teacher supply a "homework hotline"? When he was in middle school I could call the school and listen to a voice mail the teachers would leave with the homework assignments for the night and sometimes for the week (depended on the teacher). We have a big calendar and I would write down the homework on it so they knew I was checking and knew what he had to do. A few times he told me the teacher changed it, I would send a quick email or a note with him (that ususally didn't work) saying he told me it had changed and I was just checking. It's alot more work I know, but it beats arguing and yelling... and I hate taking stuff away - especially when he didn't care that I did. It shows you care and helps him into the routine.

LOL, My son tried to get around everything... "I left it at school because it was done" "She changed the assignement" and my favorite "I'm getting a good grade in that class so she said I didn't have to do homework" Be consistent and not that he's not always truthful, but check for yourself. Once you do they know they will be caught in a lie and tend to work a bit harder to avoid it. Good luck!

Don't be afraid to contact the teachers, I usually contact by email so they can answer at their convenience, and they appreciate parents who are willing to take a bigger role. :)

Sorry this is sooo long, but I know exactly what you are going thru and tried alot of things, send me a message if you need anymore help or want to talk about it more!

You set the tone with your stress. If you're stressed, kids sense that and will also be stressed. I've battled homework issues, too, with both my kids. The best thing that's worked for me is having a routine when they come home. Give them a snack, talk about their day in a relaxed way, have some music on, etc. Then, set a timer for 30 minutes and say, "you're going to do homework for 30 minutes and when the timer goes off, you'll have 15 minutes to play. If you're done with homework then, great! If not, after 15 minutes we'll set the timer for another 30 minutes and do more homework." Kids need tangible goals and rewards. The reward is playtime after 30 minutes of hard work. If they don't work hard for 30 minutes, they don't get their 15 minutes of free time - they'll have to keep working. Also, I often have to separate my kids and have them do homework in different rooms. Keep your younger child quiet with something in another room while the older ones do homework. Hope that helps!

I had the same issue with my son and we were homeschooling. He's say he's done his best (which was true for the 5-10 minutes he put into it. I couldn't seem to convince him that I knew he could do better if he used more time efficiently.

Your boys are counting on you giving up and the whole issue going away. I personally don't recommend that. Perhaps if you set aside an hour (or appropriate time for each boy) as homework time. No getting it done early, if you finish in less than an hour on the "immediate" homework, start work on longer term projects such as reading a book for an upcoming book report, term paper, etc.

Talk with their teachers (as it sounds like you have) and get a exact list of their homework. If they fail to cooperate with this system, MAKE THEM CARRY a notebook that is written in by you and the teachers EACH DAY. I suspect the school will enforce that with you. They will HATE that.

During this "Homework hour" either you or your husband occupy the younger sibling with stories, bath, etc. You booth will benefit from the time together and that removes the boys excuse.

Forget the yelling. It is probably only upsetting you and not them anyway. It's a means of delaying homework. Just set the rules. If they are not obeyed, make them stay longer at the homework table. By the way, provide a place away from distractions that is comfortable for each boy. Some like a table and chairs, others prefer their lap. Many teens have gotten used to studying with headphones on. When I was in the school system they told me it was to block out the other noises. They had to keep them low enough so no one else could hear them. School rule. I used to try to make my son study at the table because that was how I was comfortable. Turned out for him it was generally lying on his bed or floor (when he could find it).

If possible also separate the boys during this time. It might be a good time for no TV for anyone if that is an issue. Make sure the computer is available if they need it, and make sure they stay on task. Sometimes we assume they know more about using the computer than we do. But when it comes to searching the net for a specific topic, etc. They aren't always as well versed as they think they are.

Make them responsible for your requirements. put more time into checking that the "completed paper" is for the current assignment. It will take more time on your part, but once he figures out you're going to do that, he'll smarten up.

This is extreme but it worked. An oriental friend of mine found out her grade school son was not doing his work. She got ALL UNCOMPLETED assignments from his teacher, took a weekend and sat right beside him while he did each and every one. Her husband said a weekend was too long for the boy to sit and do schoolwork. After all he's only a kid. But she stuck to her guns. After that experience her son's response was, I'm not getting behind again. I don't ever want to spend a weekend like that again!

Good luck and I'd love to hear how it all ends up.

By the way, my "lazy" homeschooled son is now 24, has two children and is an excellent worker on his job and a very responsible father and husband. He has beem tested by fire in his marriage (wife had an affair) but through it all he realized he wanted his family and her more than anything, forgave her, took her back and they are now working on becoming a couple again. So, lack of responsility now, doesn't necessarily mean a bad outcome in the future. Your boys may not see any reason why they should do this "busywork". So there is alot of hope ahead for your boys. In spite of their teen years ! Just be there for them ALL the time.

You mentioned depression. Has that been dealt with and are you comfortable with it now? If not, look into visiting a counselor. Most places have a sliding fee scale if you don't have mental health insurance. I live with depression, am caring for my terminally ill mother and have had to make numerous adjustments in my life. I find my counselor invalueable. I also find my medication invalueable also, as it allows me to live a normal live. Before I was constantly dealing with, "I'm having all I can do to maintain my cool, and you dare to breathe the same air I am!" There is help there. Use it. I've been to the ER for OD's etc. It isn't worth it. Get help before you need help and can't get it. Getting into the mental health system sometimes takes time.

Again, I'd love to hear how you make our. Feel free to reply to me privately or here on the posting.

my email is my last name followed by nh at yahoo.

P. Bublat

This year, my son is a 4th grader, and my goal was to make him more responsible for his work. He has always been a slower learner/slow at completing things, but HW was becoming such a stressor for me that I would dread the evenings! What I have done is after supper, he goes directly to his room for HW and is not allowed to do anything else until completed. Of course, I will help with anything that is overly "challanging", but for the most part, its simple things. He was getting an astronomical amout of HW at first, and I actually contacted his teacher to have it adjusted. If your kids are getting too much, dont be afraid to do this, some teachers will just keep piling it on!!! (the day is LONG enough!!)--If my son doesnt get it completed, I send what is done to school and let him explain why it is not done to the teacher(s). Some days, he has been in from recess to complete it. This may be the motivation your kids need (NO kids likes being in from recess!)--I have spoken w/his teacher about this and she is aware that I'm trying to give him more responsibility for his work. It's been working out. If it is just an assgment that is too hard, I leave a post-it for the teacher saying he gave it his best shot. Anything is better than nothing, as long as they are trying....HTH!!

I have been struggling with homework hassles for years. I suspect we will contine untill my son is in college. (he is 12 years old) First, keep in mind that you are not alone. There is a percentage of kids who get their homework done without any hassle and then go on with their day. But most kids will procrastinate, lie, avoid - do whatever they can think of to avoid it. It seems simple to us - get it done and move on. The delays and whining and arguing could be avoided. But it's just a fact of life for some kids. They will struggle and avoid homework. It's your job to be firm and structured.
My son stays after school every day (in work completion center - we call it WCC) to get his work done. Our school is wonderful about taking the burden on themselves. It makes for a much more peaceful home life. Try speaking to your teachers or school official to see if you can arrange the same. The rule in our home is if you can go for a whole month without missing an assignment then you earned the right to not have to go to WCC. It's not negotiable. We don't argue about it. If he earns the right to not have to go to WCC but then starts the hassles at home again he's back on WCC. The disadvantage is that I have to drive to school to pick him up every day but it's worth it so we can get along at home. Then every night after dinner - we can play games or hang out and relax. There should be some kind of reward for cooperating. In our house the reward is playing games. I don't always feel like I have the time but I do my part of the bargain, drop what I'm doing and play with them.

Also, we do not allow TV or electronics (playstation, DS, gameboy) on school nights - Ever. It causes too many distractions.
You have to sit down with your kids and make an agreement. Set out the ground rules and argee to stop the yelling. Have them sign the agreement if that helps. But - everyone has to be on board - No yelling from the kids or the parents.

Good luck!

Hang in their B. I'm right there with you. Sometimes I want to scream "BUT I ALREADY WENT TO SCHOOL!!!!" After a bumpy start at school here is what we are doing now: After school, while they are eating a snack I go through their assignment books and write out a notecard with the days assignments. Together we estimate how long the homework SHOULD take so there is a reasonable end to the work. Homework is done in the dining room, I check in often (every 10 mins). Assignments are checked off on the card, I keep it in an envelope. Every Monday I e-mail teachers in certain classes to check that all of my kids work is in and accounted for. These weekly e-mails checked against my notecards and their assignment books have set up a clear system linking their classrooms with our home. Some kids really need help getting and staying organized, it's a learned skill, with a steep learning curve. Also, we have a few tv shows we like to watch as a family and we can't watch unless every-one's homework is complete by 8 p.m., the same goes for the perpetual game of Risk set up on a card table in the other room, play resumes when homework is done. We keep the Playstation and Gamecube off until weekends. Same goes for handheld games, they are stored in the family room during the week never in bedrooms. Cell phones get plugged in as soon as we get home in the kitchen. Keep the electronics on a schedule and in plain site, make a system of check-ins with your school and you won't be buying a wig because you tore your hair out. As for your 4 year old, I bought Model Magic, Play Do & Floam for my little guy. He was only allowed to play with it during homework time. So crazy it just might work! Good Luck!!

I have two boys the exact same ages as yours and I have run into many of the same things. One thing that definitely helps me is having them do their homework at separate times so one night I will have one do their homework while I am getting dinner ready (and therefore I am right there to supervise/help) and have the other son do his after he is done with dinner therefore eliminating any chatting between the two or fighting for my attention. I have also instituted the loss of privledges. For my younger son who gets papers home on a weekly basis, every bad paper that shows a lack of effort, he loses a privledge for a week until the next batch of papers comes home and I stick to it.......no exceptions. One week he had 3 horrible papers and he lost all his privledges.....long week for me with him begging all week, but he got the message. For my older son, I email his teachers once a month during the periods between report cards/progress reports and if there are issues or unfinished work, it's a loss of privledge per subject. The first time I had to take stuff away was hard and really made a lot more work for me, but it only took once for each son to get the message that I wasn't kidding. Dinnertime is much more pleasant now and I am no longer irritated when my husband gets home from work. In my kids case, video games and the internet is the thing they missed the most. Pick something that they will really miss and stick to it, but make sure you explain it to them very clearly up front so they can't claim "it's totally unfair" if it happens. Good luck.

Hi B., I have been there too. I have 3 sons 16,14 & 8. The oldest is wonderful and has been on the honor roll and the middle one(14)and in eight grade, says it is all done and came home with c's and d's this semester. I have allowed him to set up study groups with friends 2 afternoons a week & as long as I am standing over their shoulder it seems to be working. The youngest has play dates at friends these afternoons so I can devote my attention to the middle one. I am a single parent and just completed my bachelors degree in december so they know how important education is, but peer pressure, puberty and friends seem to be influencing the lack of work that gets done. My son said he does not want his friends to hate him because he does better in school. I have aslo scheduled a team meeting with all his teachers to ask for their suggestions and if there are any specific problems they see with his work ro inconsistancies. Good luck & lets work together to get through,

Hi B.- I also went to school to be a teacher but am a stay at home mom (in direct sales) for my 9 and a half year old son - he is in 4th grade. Homework has always been a struggle for us too. This year after one or both of us ended up in tears - I came up with a homework "contract". It is not 100% viable, but it does help. We have a set time to start homework each day - my son gets about one half hour after coming home to snack and relax. We also set a desired ending time - does not always happen - but starting on time is more important. I added things like taking away privileges if contract rules were not met - and I put in rewards for meeting them and for spelling test grades and progressing through the multiplication facts. It is harder for me to keep up my end of the contract (rewards) - and we are not nearly as strict about the details, but it has helped. Also, my son got a new teacher mid year and just having her in the classroom has made a HUGE difference. I do keep my son after school once a week for math tutoring (I pay for it). He is an A/B student but really needs focused time with homework. I am not sure if I have given you any real advice, but you are certainly NOT alone in this area.
Hope things improve for you -
Oh - also we do homework at the kitchen table - part of the contract is that I do not "butt in" unless asked for help. That is hard for me to do too!!

B.,

I used to go through that with my children. School is like work for them, when you get home nobody seems to want to go back to work. Perhaps you could let them have a break period when they first get home. Then they must get back to work.

Are there certain subjects that are a problem? If that is the case then maybe take advantage of the school's offer.

I know that a little sister can be distracking, after all what are little siblings for, right? She probably wants time with them since they have been gone all day. You could try giving her some "school work" when the boys do theirs.

I hope that helps and that you get a solution soon. I know it is supposed to be their work but it sure used to stress me out too!

Hi B.,

For the 11y.o. who has trouble finding time, I would advise you get the teacher(s) on board immediately. Ask them how much time your son is expected to be spending on his homework. Then set a timer and do not ALLOW him to work past this time. If he is not capable, then it is the school's job to provide remedial support. If he is just lazy, then the teacher needs to enforce a punishment at school for incomplete work. Let the teacher be the bad guy.... and if you show your support to the teacher they are often willing to take the role. You have to be willing to let your son suffer the consequence.

Your older boy is clearly just being a booger! He needs to want to succeed in school more than he wants to hang out. What could inspire that? Making his free time CONTINGENT on his homework completion. I would ask the teacher(s) to daily email you ALL the homework for 2 weeks. (most teachers won't mind it if you only expect it for a short time & will be pleased that you are willing to be involved.) Then you can seriously check all the work is complete. By then end of the 2 weeks you will have a pretty good sense of the school's expectations.

I think the book, Parenting with Love & Logic, is perfect for this type of issue. They have a website too.

Good luck,
D.

B., things like timing of homework can be very important. What time are they sitting down to do their homework? If you are waiting until later in the evening, they may be rebelling because they are tired. Remember, homework is supposed to be work that is familiar to them. It should be reinforcing what they have already learned.

There should be a place to do homework that is free of distraction, (i.e., not near a TV, etc.).

The lieing to you bothers me. Telling you the homework is done already opens up a lot of possibilities for further lieing. As he is now a teenager, that could be very scary. I would emphasize that to him. If he ever wants privileges to do things and your trust, he is starting with a deficit. If he lies about homework, what else will he lie about, and I would emphasize that to him.

It sounds like they are testing you, and it sounds like one child may be influencing the other. (They do gang up on us at times.) And you are busy with the 4-yr old. I would send a note to have their teachers call you to discuss their progress in school. I would also tell these teachers the problems you are having at home with them. Maybe you can work out some kind of means of communication so that you will know exactly what the homework is. Maybe they are not getting the subject matter in class, but it sounds to me like they are rebelling in general, regardless of the subject matter. They may also be looking for your attention. You do know that negative attention can be rewarding in its own funny way.

Don't let them wear you down. They can sense weakness. I would definitely approach the teacher and see what happens. The home/school connection is very important. And if the TV and video games don't work anymore, then I would find something that would. Boys are very physical. Perhaps not playing sports or playing with their friends would have an impact. School is a priority.

Good luck. I hope I have helped.

We had a similiar problem when our 10 year was a little younger. We set a very strict routine that has worked. He knows that as soon as he gets in the door off the bus he is to sit and do his homework. Period. No snacks, no TV, no anything until his homework is done. This includes any redo's or time to complete it. He knows that we don't let up and if it takes until dinner because of procrastination or complaining that was his choice. It may sound harsh but I'll tell you that if we have one problem with him once a month it would be alot! It has worked for us. PS He even knows that if his schoolwork wasn't done well enough he gets to redo that as part of his homework too!

Hi B.,

I know your frustration since I have a 15 year old son. We use to have the same issue but not so much anymore. This is what I did. First of all every child is different. Some are better or would rather do homework right after school, some in the evening etc. The first thing I did was got a book called, "Parent Guide to Hassle-Free Homework". It's a very helpful book. First of all I suggest you include your boys in the decisioin making about when to do homework (they both may want to do it at the same time or one when he gets in the door and the other after dinner). This way I believe they would have more of a desire to do it since they helped decide when they want to do it. Second of all make sure all materials are gathered before starting homework (pen, pencil books etc.) help to save on time. Be sure homework is done in a quite part of the house. Some questions to ask: do they need you close by? Or can they do it on their own? (let them help decide this also). As far as your older son showing you the wrong work done (common trick). At his school do the children have assignment books? The kids at my son's school all have one and it works great. The assignments are written in the book and then you can look to see what needs to be done and then look at your son's homework paper and make sure that it's the right one. Another way would be if your son's school has a website where daily assignments are. My son's school has that also that way you could check that too. Good to be able to check up on your kids and make sure they wrote the right assignment down. Once your boys know that you are check to make sure they are doing what they are suppose to they won't try to get away with anything anymore. I hope this helps. If you have anymore questions feel free to ask. : )

B.
I hear you on the battle with homework. My 11 year old daughter started with the same attitude as your 13 year old. I sat down with her and explained what I expected and what would happen if she did not follow that. I also had a talk with her teachers and told them what is going on. They did tell me that it is typical teenage behavior.. One thing we were able to do in working together was that she has to bring home an assignment sheet from the teachers.. They sign it and then I sign it and she has to return it. This way I know what she has and what she doesn't have for homework. I also set that when they get home from school it is snack time and then a few minutes later is homework and nothing else until that is done. Every Friday they do the same, this way they have a free weekend of no homework.
I feel that the talk and the assignment sheet has helped her understand and things are better.
Good luck.....
M. A. - Limestone

hi
I had to change they way my kids did homework when they got into 3rd and 5th grade. now they play inside or outside after school (don't even think about doing homework) and do homework after supper at the kitchen table at 6:30. keep your little one out of the homework area at all cost. time limits help. you must be done before bedtime or you miss recess the next day.

B., I think dealing with homework needs to be a team effort with the school and their teachers. Sometimes it just means a little more accountability on their part. So if A and in touch with B, then there is no room for wondering whether or not its done. This can either be done on line or in a notebook with their teachers.

I think as far as the kids are concerned, once they know they need to be accountible, the home work gets done.

I have a 15 year old boy who i was having difficult with homework. Even though they aren't failing, taking advantage of the afterschool help for homework may help. This way they'll have everything finished before they come home.