30 answers

Holiday Dilema with Family

My boyfriend and I have been together for abotu 2 1/2 years and just bought a house 2 months ago. Last year we made an agreement that every other year we would switch off between our families for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. (If we spend Thanksgiving with my family, then x-mas eve would be with his and then the following year it would be switched.) Also, Christmas day every year would be with his parents in the morning and the rest of his family in the evening.
This year is supposed to be X-mas eve with my family (usually held at my aunt's house). However, my aunt came to me a week a go to tell me that her and her husband are seperating. She is always the one who holds my family get together on Thanksgiving and X-mas Eve. (No one else has a big enough home). So, I asked my boyfriend if it would be ok if we held the X-mas party for my family this year (being we're supposed to spend it with them anyway). He agreed to it and said that it was fine but to let his family know that we would be holding the party for my family this year due to my aunt and uncle seperating.
I sat down with my boyfriend's parents the other night and told them that we planned to have a get together on X-mas Eve for my family (so we would at least be able to get together). I explained that we had planned to be with my family anyway since we were spending Thanksgiving with them. I told them we would still be seeing their family on X-mas day and that their family was also invited to our home on x-mas eve if they didn't want to do it themselves this year. My boyfriend's dad was understanding but his mom was not. She said that her son always goes to her parents on x-mas eve and should always be there. But she feels this way about all the holdiays. Not just x-mas eve. I don't feel it's fair to me that they want us to be with them for every holiday. I know that as we get older, we can't always be with our families every holiday (it's impossible to be in 2 places at one time). We have tried going to one family and then to the others later but his family gets upset that we leave early or come late. So, I suggested that every other Thanksgiving we can switch off between our families and since we always spend X-mas day with his family (the same group that gets together x-mas eve but more) we could have a x-mas eve party for anyone who wants to come at our place so my family has an x-mas eve. I also said too that if we do it this way and God forbid something happens to his grandparents one day or they just don't want to do x-mas eve anymore, his family always has a place to go. My boyfriend and I agree that it would be great to be able to have both families and everyone we love together at one place on the holidays but we know that it will never happen that way. His mom wants us to be with her family at all the holidays or she feels him and I should be apart and go to our own families on the holidays. I feel that if we are to build a life together we should be sharing holidays together as well and compromise as to where to go on the holidays so we both see each others families together. He doesn't want his mom mad but she is. He told me last night that the only thing he can think of is for us to go our seperate ways at the holidays. I asked him what we're going to do when we get married and have kids because I don't want to be seperated from my husband or my children at the holidays because his family can't cope with him starting a life with someone. Am I being greedy in any way? Does anyone have any advice for what I can do?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I want to thank everyone for their advice on my dilema at home!! All the advice was very helpful. I'm not the type of person who likes to stir up anyone's emotions so I feel incredibly bad that his mom is upset over the whole issue at hand. Her and I have had a great relationship up until this point. She has called me her daughter and has even told her son that he better marry me. Some of you may wonder why we bought a house before getting married. We have all intensions of getting married and having a family in the future but we don't want to be like a lot of couples today and spend a ton of money on a wedding and then struggle to get finances for a home. We want to get our foundation together first and build on that. We want to get somewhat used to the mortgage payments and bills before throwing in a wedding expense into the mix. This may be odd but I hear from so many people and friends that I know that get married first, spend a ton of money on the wedding and don't think about how the costs will effect them getting a mortgage. So when they go to get their home, they can't get what they are looking for in a home to raise a family in. We're starting with a piece of what we both dreamed of together in order for us to have our future the way we plan...
The update for now is we have discussed 2 options. First let me tell you that my family will not have Thanksgiving anymore due to my aunt's seperation. (No one has a large enough home except for me). So the two ideas that we're kind of tossing around is: 1. we spend every Christmas Eve with my family and every Christmas Day/Eve with his. Or 2: Every other year we have X-mas Eve at our home for my family(Inviting his family as well of course) and the years that we don't do X-mas Eve, we'll do a Christmas party the weekend before and invite my family, his family, and even his brother in-laws family to try to get everyone together. And the years that we do the weekend before, we will spend X-Mas Eve with his family and X-mas day will be him and I in our home together. I will keep you posted as to what our final decision is. Thank you again to all for taking the time to read my dilema and trying to help out! You are all great! I hope you all have a fabulous holiday season with your loved ones!!

More Answers

Could it be, since you aren't married yet, she has not accepted you as part of the family and him as part of yours. Maybe, as far as she is concerned, you are playing house and you are just a girlfriend. Although, who knows if that will change once you are married. If you truly believe this is the one, then the two of you need to stick to your guns and go forward with your plans. If you give in this time, and more importantly, if your BF gives in this time, you will be setting a precedent that she can manipulate a situation to her acceptance. Either you are a team or not..

Good luck! MIL's are tough customers. As a future MIL (one day, no time soon) I have vowed not to rock the boat b/c I want my kids to WANT to come home. My g-parents always had their holidays on other days than the actual holiday so everyone could be together. The actual date was not important to them, all of us being together was. That was a valuable lesson I learned from them and I intend to carry that on...

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Start a new tradition - Disney World or a Caribbean Cruise for the holidays (one of them can be a honeymoon).
If neither family will be happy no matter what you do, then don't try - just make yourselves happy. Once kids come along - stay at your own home and people can visit you.

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I can understand why it frustrates you so much. She's so uncompromising! Your aunt and uncle's separation isn't exactly something you planned - she needs to be more flexible for the sake of you and your family as well. She needs to understand that that's what happens when your kids get older. They can't be around for every single holiday and get-together. If I were you (even if your boyfriend can't compromise), I would go with your plans. You're not being greedy - his mother is!

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I would say that his choice of mommy's happiness over yours is going to set a pattern for the rest of your lives. If you can not stick to yor agreement that was initially made then what other agreements can be tweaked and abandoned at mommy's whim?
How a man treats and relates to his mother is a good indication of your life together.

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Sounds like your b/f has a lot of growing up to do and his mom will be "one of THOSE mother in laws".
You arent married yet, and this is a bright red flag.

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Yep, I'm with Laurie, red light and she is already a handful. You need to hold your ground and not let her take over. She will try regardless. She'll just have to share, like everyone else, whether she likes it or not. And no, you don't go separate ways on the holidays, you are a couple, and she's going to have to learn to live with it.

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I think you have done what needs to be done. Tell her nicely what you are doing and invite her to come. Your BF should let her know that she does not have to agree with your decisions but she needs to respect them. Not doing so will cause more propblems than they are worth. My husband and I do what is best for US and our family. Everyone else does it. so why can't we???

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Your boyfriend and his mother needs to cut the apron strings....I have had a similiar problem so I understand! Even though you are not married, getting a place of your own implies a certain amount of committment and therefore you should share your holidays together (wherever you choose). Before we all grew up, we went w/ our parents and did what they had us do. Now that we are adults, our parents have to expect a certain adjustment. You can't possibly do what both of you have always done let alone add your own traditions. The merging of two families (whether official or not) requires compromise and adjustments.

Both my family and my inlaws always celebrated on Christmas Eve so that is a crazy hectic day for us. My inlaws used to have dinner at the grandparents (with the WHOLE family), then did Christmas morning at home, and then went back to the grandparents for the rest of the day. After grandmom passed away, the girls (my MIL and her sisters) took turns hosting dinner for everyone, then it moved to another days just before Christmas but my MIL still wanted us over for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning too....and the day after because it is my FIL's birthday. Doing so would mean nothing but non-stop running for us.

I already had a son when I started dating my now husband and I wanted to keep my son home on Christmas Day so if his dad didn't get him, he got to stay home all day and enjoy the holiday (something I never got to do as a child because I had to leave on Christmas Day for a whole week, every year and hated it!).

I told my husband that I would run every other holiday but Christmas Day is mine to enjoy at home...that is what we do. We attend (sometimes host) the big family get together, we visit both sides of the family on Christmas Eve (sometimes we arrange for some of them to come to us) and then we stay home on Christmas Day. Anyone who didn't get enough of us the night before is more than welcome to come visit.

Since your boyfriends mom gets Christmas Day EVERY year she should be more than willing to budge on Christmas Eve. I personally think you should look ahead to when you have children and either start implementing what you would want then or at least reach an understanding that you will do "xyz" now but once you have kids you want to do "abc". Otherwise it will become.."well you have always done this why are you changing it now". I also think you boyfriends desire to separate for the holidays show a lack of commitment and you should probaly discuss that with him.

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