Holding My Son Back a Year in School

When I was a kid, the cut off date here in FL was the end of October. My birthday is October 13, so needless to say, I was always one of the youngest kids in my grade. However, it would have been completely silly to hold me back strictly based on age and not on grade performance!

I am happy to say that I was never held back. I ended up in the gifted program, graduated a semester early from high school...and even had my master's degree at the age of 23. I have also had at least one prestigious job during my career, in which I was the youngest person in the country to ever attain such a position.

My age has never been a limitation for my accomplishments. Unless your son has a legitimate, non age related, reason requiring him to be held back I can't fathom why you would do that to him. Is there some additional reason you haven't mentioned? You said he was doing great.

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It seems the majority of those who've responded so far are saying to hold him back. I have to say I agree 100%! I have a son in the 3rd grade, with a birthday in August, making him the youngest in his class. He has always struggled to keep up with the other kids. In fact I just had a conference with his teacher yesterday and it confirmed exactly what I've always worried about. Its not that he's a bad kid, or has any learning problems. He struggles because maturity-wise he is behind the rest of the class. He has trouble staying focused as long as is required of 3rd graders. He needs constant reminding to stay on task... he lacks the stamina he needs to complete assignments. He also lacks the ability to comprehend what he's reading as well as he needs to be. According to his teacher, this is very common with the younger kids, especially boys. As of now he's doing well enough that he's not in danger of failing but I worry about the future. He may be holding his head above water now, but for how long? Each grade will only get harder. Am I doing him a disservice to keep him in his current grade knowing he'll always struggle? Will it eventually get to a point where he's behind enough that he does get held back? And how much harder will that be on him when he's older? These are questions that haunt me daily. I say to you, if you can now, hold him back. Don't push your son if you don't have to. Like the teacher who replied earlier said, it can only help!

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The way I read it, you really have two years to decide. He will have to do preschool next year when he is 4 because your child has to be 5 by the cutoff for kindergarden. You probably should wait and decide then. If you do hold back, I think it is best to hold off and start Kindergarden a year later. Then he's not repeating a school year.

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Preschool for a 3 yr old ( or even 4 yr old) is not necessary or required! Just because it's available now doesn't mean you have to send your kids there or use it. For many, it has become the normal step when their kids turn 3 or 4 but for MANY others it is not utilized so don't feel obligated just because you know some other moms who send theirs or try to offer well-meaning advice that it's necessary. Our grandparents and parents weren't sent to 'school' at 3, no- they stayed home with parents and siblings exploring the outdoors, swimming, playing, climbing, reading stories with mom, being a kid! Enjoy this part of their childhood and stage, you can never get it back .... And believe me, their preschool teacher isn't making herself a scrapbook at home to look back at all the cute, funny things your child did while spending time with them. Those memories are only special to parents and loved ones who miss them when someone else is caring for them instead.

If you were working FT and daycare/preschool was absolutely necessary then that is totally different, but when you have been blessed with the chance to share this time with your little one then you have been given a priceless gift. There is nothing you can't teach your 3-4 yr old and since you have a very active and social life, that's covered too! Take this time to make memories and enjoy your babies.... They have 18 years of school and plenty of time away from you coming soon anyway, why extend that even more and have it infringe on your time with them as toddlers???

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Hi S.,

I held my son back when he was in first grade. He has a July birthday and was one of the youngest in the class. The teachers explained to me that at some point he would have to be held back and it was better to do it when he was young. He is plenty smart but was simply not mature enough to move on. (I hear that a lot with boys). He thrived when he repeated 1st grade. He told me he felt smart and that the other kids would come to him with questions. It was the best thing I could have done for him!
I know your son is only 3 but here are my thoughts. You can either send him to pre-k and see how he does. Talk with his teacher a lot. He/She will be able to give you a pretty good idea about how he is doing and if the maturity is there. You can always have him repeat. That may be the best place to do it. The earlier the better in my mind. They start to make friends and it affects them harder as they get older.
Or... just go ahead and send him as usual, he may do fine. Just keep listening to what the teachers are saying. If it turns out he needs to stay behind a grade, they will be able to tell you this early on and it really won't have an impact on him. He will forget about it as he gets older.

Hope this helps!

Consider 2 things carefully: your child's personality and learning style, and what benfits you're planning to provide him by waiting. I would watch how your son interacts with older kids and younger kids. My son has a summer birthday, and is younger than most of the other kids in his class. I went ahead and started him in kindergarten after observing him with other kids. He was in a swim class with older kids, and he would always try to emulate them and really watch, listen, and learn from them. Then he did an extended day preschool program for a while where they mixed up the 3 & 4 year-olds in the afternoons, after the standard "academic" portion of the day. He never really liked playing with the younger kids, and gravitated toward the older ones who were playing more interesting games. Now he is in first grade and is "average" academically so far. I'm not convinced that starting him late would have made him a star pupil. But that wasn't my goal. I just want him to be in the right place, a good place. Sometimes I am a little annoyed that the fact that other people hold their kids back means that my child might not be just almost a year younger than some others, but well over a full year younger. But I chose not to go that way. Another major thing to consider is what is your alternative plan if he doesn't "move on" with his peers? If you have your own nurturing plan of extra special mothering or homeschooling or whatever will meet his needs, more power to you. Or if you have the money to do an extra year of preschool and you don't think he'll be bored there. When I was making the kindergarten decision for my son, we had a new baby arriving that summer, and I knew I would need that fall to basically nurse the baby and sleep! My son is an adventurer, and he was ready to see himself as the "big kid" who went off to school and didn't have to stay home like the baby. So it worked out for us. Good luck with your decision :)

What do you mean by he "is currently in preschool in a class with all 4 year old"... is he in a K-4 class? Or is it a K3 class, that all the other kids have just had a birthday since September?

If it is that former, then I would ask why he is in the class.. he should be in a K3 class, since he is 3. If the later, then I don't think I would be concerned about it... that particular class just has some earlier birthdays. Both of my kids have summer birthdays (one in late June, one in mid-July). My daughter is almost the youngest in her class and always has been.. but she is developmentally right there with them.. .just was a little shorter for a while... now it is evening out. Also, in her current classes she has kids with later birthdays like herself. (We are talking 3rd grade now.. not Kindgergarten or K4). My son's classes were the same way.. some years he would be THE youngest kid by several months.. because the other kids were winter birthdays.. but he is NOT the only kid with a summer birthday by any means.. and some years the kids birthdays are much later like my sons. Kids are born year round... but the school system can't start school like that.. they had to pick a date and let that be the cutoff. If your son is in the correct age class, then I would let it be, unless he is developmentally way off. And at this age, that gap (however much it MAY be or may not be) will close the older they get.

Hope this helps....

As a former teacher and mother my opinion is to hold him back one year. It can only help him...there's no doubt that he would most likely be more advanced next year, which can only build his self-esteem. He is then more likely to like school, which will set him up for success in the years to come.

Hi S.,
I asked this exact question to Mama Source myself! My son will be 3 on December 5th and I had to make a decision whether to hold him back or not now because of our church classes. Many people wrote to me and convinced me to hold him back (regardless of his intelligence- he is already starting to read!)It is because of their maturity. I personally want my son to be a leader and it is easier for that to happen if he is not the youngest person in his class. Peer pressure can be more difficult if they are younger than the others. Also I considered sports and his physical size, I don't want him to be at a disadvantage on sports teams. Boys mature later in life (look at husbands) and given them that extra year can make a world of difference. Also most schools now have accelerated or advanced classes for kids that are bright.
Just a note, my birthday is September 9th so I didn't meet the cut off and had to wait an extra year to start kindergarten- I was the most confident kid in class and always had great grades and got 2 master's degrees! Now own my own company.
Best of luck!

I had two that you might consider as "holding back." One missed the school deadline by 2 days for his birthday, so really we didn't "hold him back," but he was definitely the oldest in his class. SO MUCH BETTER for him. He struggles in school anyway, so I can't imagine what it would have been like for him had we pushed to "bend the rules." Our daughter was born 4 days earlier and made the deadline, but we chose to hold her back, mostly because we were living in Mexico at the time and she would have had no other English speaking classmates had we put her in her correct year. She does not struggle in school, but I can still see how much more confident she is being a little older and more mature. I think if you're going to do it, do it at the younger age. You're at a perfect time to decide. On the other hand, I had a cousin who had a birthday late in Sept. (back when cut off days were different) and she ended up being valedictorian, so you never know. Use his personality to judge, but I don't think it ever hurts to hold a kid back at a young age. They grow up so fast anyway!

My son misses the cutoff date also... 9/17. I struggled with the decision to put him in a younger or older class. I took the advice of his teachers and since then, many books that I have read. Its good for a boy (especially for a boy) to be the oldest in the class. It gives them confidence and emotionally boys mature more slowly than girls so again, better to hold him back now and give him room to excell later. My son is 6 and Just started Kindergarten. He loves that he is the oldest boy in the class and becuase he is a little bit more mature - they are already testing him for gifted programs. I dont regret him being "held back"... its not that way at all :-) Good Luck!

My Daughter is Sept. 2 - she is the oldest in her class.
I thunk it is always hard being the youngest - I think I would hold him back.
Unless, he was very tall and athletic or extremly smart and social.

I have 3 children ages 7,11,and 14. My youngest son, now 7, his birthday is in June so I had to decide whether or not to start him in Kindergarten at 5 or wait until the next year. I decided to keep him back a year, while he was still in pre-school, to give him a little more time and not be the youngest in the class. With boys especially, they mature slower than girls. Rather than have him feel like he was always trying to catch up, now he is one of the older and more mature kids. This allows him to be a leader, to excel in class, and boosts his confidence. This especially shows up a little later - around the 4th or 5th grade as I saw with my other son who is now 14. He had to start Kindergarten late because his birthday was late Sept. I was frustrated in the beginning because he was very bright, reading at age 4 very well, very verbal, etc. and thought he was more than ready to start school. You have to keep in mind the whole picture of education though- it's not all just academics - it's also growing up and learning life lessons - a balance. In today's culture sometimes there is too much pressure to push our kids into things too soon. And with that, the maturity thing still applies...the boys need a little more time to catch up. Again instead of being the youngest, trying to catch up, he was older and able to be a leader with his peers. He is now in 8th grade at a public middle school, doing fantastic in all gifted/honors classes, well adjusted with his peers, etc. As far as timing of when to do it, I would say the sooner the better...they will not notice that they have been "held back" at age three, but will as they get older. HOpe this helps...

Good Morning! When my son was born in Pennsylvania, he attended Head Start at the age of 3 and then went into Kindergarten at 4. He was born in Dec., but the cut-off date there was in Jan., so he just made it. When we moved to Ohio, they (teachers) wanted to hold him back because of his age! When I went home and told him, he got very upset and stated to me that he wanted to learn to read! So I went back to school and I asked them if he was academically ready to move on, they said yes, and continued to list the issues of being younger then most, like how his friends will be driving before he can ect.. All I kept in mind was that he was ready & willing to learn to read and I insisted they move him on to First grade! My son graduated top of his class; and went on to become a Proud U.S. Marines; and he is now 21 and home from his 4 years of service and back in college! Try to talk to your son first, then together you may come up with a decision that is best for HIM. It worked out perfectly for my son and he is an avid reader! But each child is different! May God guide and bless you all..
Sincerely,
Kathy N.

Every child is different! No matter boy or girl. The only thing I have to say is if you make the decission to hold him back and next year he is bored, you can not undo it. If you make the decession to put him in kindregarden and he does not do as well as you would have like, you can always make the decission to keep him back then. I have 2 girls first born August 31, just makes it too, second born September 20, just misses it. I made the decission to send me oldest because I had an in home day care and she was around babys and I felt like she needed something more. I wanted to push my younger daughter so she was closer to her sister, and put her in private school at 3. I was working full time, as well. When it came time to go to first grade private school level I was not sure she was ready. I decided to put her in kindergarden a second time at the public school. She really struggled, because she was bored. By the time I realized that I had made a mistake I could not correct it. Hence my advice if you choose to hold them back and then change your mind it is to late. If you choose to push them and then change your mind you can not go back and undo it. Good Luck. You will get a lot of advise, but you are the one who has the accountability, so trust yourself.

there is book my sister recommended that she said was good on this I will find out name and get back to you. I also have a 3 yr old son born in may at this point I am leaning more towards holding him back, but I also may consider if I do hold him back listing him in home school and working with him then reevaluating whether he is ready to go to first grade or start in kindergarten. at that age it is really easy to home school you can also enroll in an affordable pre-k if you want at the same time like Pixies or somewhere, Boynton beach has a few that we did that we liked. maybe the one on one time that year will really get him going and you will feel like he is ready for first if not then he has gained great prep for kinder. If you need more info on any of this feel free to ask

My daughter's b-day is in March, and I still held her back a year. I put her in the public school program up north called young 5's. She wasn't young age wise, but she was emotionally. She could have stayed in the older grade, but since I kept her a year back before starting kindergarten, she has flourished and is in the right place. She knows I started her out this way, so she knows and accepts it. It isn't like I had to hold her back, I just started her later. So I would highly recommend it if you feel it is right for your child. I was very glad I made this decision. I hope this helps.

Hi S....my daughter Darian missed the cut-off by three weeks, but was accepted into the 4 year old pre-school at age 3. She did extremely well, but we held her back. Scholastically, she was fine (even ahead in some areas) but was slightly immature. I didn't want the Kindergarten teacher spending her time reminding Darian to use the restroom, or to hurry with her drawings/paperwork. She did pre-school two years, then entered Kindergarten this year. The Kindergartens are so "advanced" now -- they are sort of split between children like Darian who have a lot of experience under her belt, and other kids who never left Mommy before.

We are pleased with our decision, plus I didn't want Darian to go off to Harvard at age 17 either. :)

Hoping this helped.
D..

Hi -

I think it's an individual matter, so you can't always look at what other people have done. You know your son best, so talk with him and see what he wants to do. My oldest is now 12. His birthday is in late July and we thought about waiting a year, but most his friends from preschool were starting kindergarten, so we decided to go ahead. Kindergarten was a little tough for him, since many of the kids were a year older than him. But once he got to about second grade, the apparent age gap had disappeared. He's now in 7th grade and doing great. He's taking 9th grade algebra, gets As and gets along well with everyone.

I am not sure why he is in a K4 class, but if he is in a K4 class and doing well then I would suggest that if you can afford to put him in private school until he reaches 2nd grade so he stays ahead, then do so, so he does not have to stay back a year. My daughter is Sept 11 and I went ahead and put her in private school so she is not back a year.

S. - I completely feel your pain!!! My son's bday is 9/29 - a little later than your son's. He was always carried ahead in daycare, so like your son he was in the 4 year old class as the youngest, not being 4 yet. He did awesome!! We considered putting him into a private school that would let him start early (or actually on time), but as the time got closer and we talked to so many more people (specifically with boys!) we decided not to push it. Here are our reasons why we kept him to the school policy (held him back):

1 - he is a smaller child to begin with and we thought by holding him to the school rules that he would have more time to grow and be more average than just small. I cannot tell you how this has made a difference!!!! Some of the boys in his class are huge and he would have felt uncomfortable I assure you!
2 - He was doing great in Pre-k and already reading and doing addition/subtraction, but I thought that I would rather him be ahead than behind and not up to speed with some of the other kids in his class. This is also one of the reasons we chose to send him to a private school - so he wouldn't go backwards once he got to school. They now have him taking the 1st grade reading comprehension tests weekly for the books that he reads from the library. I don't know that a public school would have done this.
3 - Boys mature much more slowly than girls. My son is not "crazy active", but he enjoys and needs outside time like most boys his age. I wanted him to have that maturity and be able to learn when he is suppose to focus and pay attention. He has always been really good at this, but many teachers told me that Kindergarten would be different and every day they age helps. I would have to say that is very true. It took him a good 4 weeks before he had the routine down. I am thinking it would have taken a lot more than that if we didn't wait.
4 - And finally, my bday is 9/11 and I did start school early. All of the teachers told my mom I was ready and that she shouldn't hold me back. However, it hit me in about 9th grade and I just couldn't keep up. I didn't fail, but my grades became average despite all my trying. I honestly believe it is because I wasn't ready for that type of environment and learning yet.

So, I hope all my advice and reasoning helps you make your decision. It is a hard decision, but my advice is to stick to the school rules - they don't just make them wily nilly if you know what I mean. They have their reasons.

Good luck!

My son is just 23 months and will turn two in December. By the time he turns 5 and is ready for school, he would have missed the cut off date too. So he will be older than all his class mates when he is in Kindergarten, as his 6th birthday will be just a few months after school starts. Well, I know this sounds harsh, but I am thrilled about that. Little boys are not as fast in the learning arena as girls. By starting school later than others, he will have had more time to mature. He is a boy and he's gonna need it. Even now he is a healthy young boy but has a speech delay. I have no problem giving him a late start at school, and being a bit smarter by then may also give him more confidence in facing a new situation and all new kids.

As an elementary school teacher, I really believe this is something that has to be looked at on a case by case basis. I personally am not for it, but that's just my opinion. As his mom, watch and see how he is developing. Remember, all boys are socially immature. I have one of my own and prefer to have a class of boys, but social maturity alone would not be a good reason to keep him back. If that's the case then most boys need to be held back for years! LOL.
Academically if he is thriving and growing, don't hold him back. Our children of today have so many more experiences and need to be challenged. They really want to learn!
As it gets closer, I would ask his preschool teachers how he seems to be progressing and decide then.
Good Luck, it is a personal choice, so remember these are all opinions and you need to do what is best for your family.

Go with whatever the best thing seems to be for your son. When my oldest son was 3, he was ready for preschool and excelled. He got along with all the other kids who were older then him. My second son though was not mentally, or maturity-wise, ready for preschool until 4. My daughter was ready at 3, but my currently 3 year old boy is nowhere near ready. So just do what your son seems ready for. If he doesn't seem to be ready, then it is better to hold him back now then later. I went to school with kids who got held back later in elementary school and they got teased. I started preschool later, so I was older then everyone else in my class (graduated at 19) and so was anther girl. But we'd been older since preschool so no cared. My brother on the other hand graduated at 17 and he always did fine too.

Dear S.,

If you speak with educators who are familiar with the research on this subject, they will tell you not to hold a child back unless it is necessary academically. Keep in mind that in your case, you are really talking about your son being either the oldest or the youngest in the class.

I worked in education for 15 years. My advice, enroll him in VPK next year. That is the only year that he will be eligible for it!!! He will not be eligible for VPK the following year (feel free to check the VPK website for the state of Florida, but there are NO exceptions to the rule). Then he will likely want to go to kindergarten with his friends. Since he will have done VPK, he will be more than ready and probably ahead of those who did not do any preschool.

If you choose to keep him out of VPK next year, then your only option the next year is either a private preschool with no VPK program (or having him in a preschool that has a VPK program but paying for it) or enrolling him in kindergarten.

Do some research online about holding children back. In the late 70s and early to mid 80s it was often encouraged. It is not anymore.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. By the way, my son's bday is 4/11/06 and he is currently doing the VPK program in a private preschool, where I am paying the tuition because he has always been in school with children who are about 6 months older than him. I decided that we would do the VPK this year with one teacher and then if I want him to stay at this school for "real" VPK next year, he will have the other teacher.

Cheers,
C.

I was born in the same situation. My parents let me go early. It was the best thing for me. I had a great bunch of classmates and we challenged each other every day. My 3 friends and I graduated validictorian because our GPA was the same.

If he is doing great, why hold him back a year? I am a teacher and I can tell you that the cut off date varies from state to state. If you were up in the northeast, he would not even be close to the cut off date.

If he is keeping up with his peers, there is no reason to hold him back. If he was struggling or far behind, I would say wait until kindergarten to do it.

My children's school encourages holding back boys born in August and sometimes in July, but never encourages it for a girl. It truly sickens me as the cut off date has nothing to do with capability. My daughter is a summer birthday and she is doing better than most of her class, even those who have birthdays in October and are nearly a year older.

Don't hold him back if he is growing intellectually with the rest of the class. What do his teachers/advisors recommend? I was the youngest in the class; and don't regret it, though the only issue was I was the "runt"...but to heck with them. I was smarter so they took offense.

S. - I see you have had oodles of advice. I too am an early september baby, I was 1 of the oldest in my school year. Didn't bother/harm me 1 bit. I say hold on to him 1 more year, you can always start the basics at home and he needs to be fully potty trained anyway. I have 2 girls and my youngest, a boy, is an October baby. Unless you have a genius on your hands, that's what I would do.

Kind regards

M. F

Hello S.,
My daughter's Bday is 10-01, so she is the oldest in her class. That is wonderful. she is by defalt more mature than the other girls and is a natural leader. And if she is not leading she decides who and if she follows. That is something that age and experience helps out alot with. I have a son who's bday is in June and is the baby of his class. We held him back in kindergarten but mainly because of speech issues that made it harder for him to just keep up.
My advise, if your son is doing fine and you do not see him having to trying harder just to be average, then he should do fine, But your Teacher or an independant teacher can tell you if they think he might benefit from staying behind one year. The sooner you do it the better. My son did notice his kinder friends had moved on and he is now in 1st grade and still asks me when will he skip. I think Pre-k-4 is the time to see if holding him back is an option. Good luck with your choice.

HOLD HIM BACK! Big problems later with lots of things, not only academic but the fact that all his classmates are a yr older then him and able to go places and do things while you are still thinking of him as too young. His maturity and development can never compete with those who are older. Let him be the oldest and he will have way more success.

Hi,

My situation is a little different, but very much the same question. My son turned five today, November 6....he has attented a "private" school since he was two. When it came time to assign classes last year, they gave me the option of testing him to see if he could be put in pre-k and move on with that group. We tested him, and although he passed, our family collectively decided to keep him with the class he would be in per the "rules". He has done extremely well, and I think emtionally, it was the best choice for him. When I was three turning four (alos a Nov. baby) my parents were given the choice to start me in pre-k when I was three ging on four, Theya chose to do it. I did great, always an horno roll kid. I think it has a lot more to with their emotional age. IF your child is a little mature for the age, he will be fine. IF he isn't or even a little "immature, I would keep him back the year. Remember, he will be the "baby" in the class and some of the kids will be almost a whole year older. Imgine how well he does socially with "older" kids. Hope this help!