Helping Teen with Beauty and Hygiene

You have left out a lot regarding her home life, which you may not know about.
For instance, does she have two parents? How many siblings? If they are a poor family on food stamps remember that soap, etc. are not available with food stamps. Food pantries seldom if ever have soap, toothpaste etc. Few people realize you can brush your teeth with baking soda.
Is there a washing machine available in her home or do they have to pay to use a laundrymat? Few people realize you can "wash" your clothing without soap and adding a little vinegar or lemon juice to the rinse cycle can help remove the musty, sweat, scent from clothing.
I am surprised the school she is attending has not addressed hygeine with her. Even our grade schools here in Danville will address this issue with the children.
If many of her clothes come from "thrift shops" it may be difficult for her to dress in clothing that is up to date and stylish. It may be her clothing comes from donations and people seldom donate such items.
Have a makeup party for the girls in your church group and make part of the party a lesson on good hygiene. Demonstrate how you can clean your nails, etc. without the use of nail files etc., make it a type of game so all of the girls will enjoy it without making her feel singled out. One of the games could be a select an item from a tray that can be used in place of toothpaste, soap, etc.
If you know any Avon, Mary Kay, etc. representatives talk to them about donating products that have been discontinued for your party/this family. Believe me, they have products like shampoo, shower gels, etc. that have been discontinued in stock and will get a tax credit for donating them. It will give them a good home for the no longer saleable items and lessen the clutter in their stock areas. In this way she will be able to get makeup, face creams, shower gels and colognes, shampoos, deordorant etc. and you can give them to her at a special time when gift giving will not look insulting to her, like making them prizes for the most improved look, etc. at your party.
You can always invite her to your home with the request she could help you do some work and talk to her privately about the issue having her help plant a garden, clean out the attic or basement, etc. Her payment could be personnel products and or clothing. Good Will has some nice things very reasonably price. Dollar Tree, $.99, etc. have makeup, soap, shampoo, manicure items, etc. and all are $1.00 each. You could even take her to the store after the work is completed and let her pick out the items she really likes in leiu of paying her cash.
Take up a donation at your church circle for hygiene items, soap, tooth paste, shampoo, detergents etc. and donate them to her and her family.
The public library has a section of books on hygeine you may want to look into.
P. R

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I worked with teenage girls for several years in the criminal justice system and faced this same issue. Many were just never taught about personal hygiene at home. If you work in a group setting it would be a perfect opportunity to have a session on hygiene (separate the boys and girls). There are many organizations that will donate packets of toiletry products if you tell them what you are doing that you could give to everyone in the group. This way she won't feel singled out. I don't know if you know the circumstance of her home life, but there were some kids that I found didn't have running water in their home because they couldn't pay for it. In that case, you should contact your local social services and they will help the family with their "necessary" expenses.

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A friend of mine is a youth director and was having a similar situation. She decided to have a "spa day". She had a Dr.(friend of hers) Come in to talk to the kids about how important hygene was and brought in soaps and such to "pamper the kids" This way no one was pointed out and they all had fun and learned some essentials at the same time. Hope this helps!

J....I sell Mary Kay Cosmetics and I would be happy to come and give the group or a few girls a facial and some tips.

Also, you can pick up some books at the library on hygiene and color choices to match your complexion. We could use both at the same time if you would like.

Let me know if that would help you and we could set up a time and date. M. B.

The best advise I can give you is that you and your church start praying for this girl from the inside out!!!!!!!!! The clothes are not the issue with this girl it's her emotions so PLEASE pray for her emotions, this will help her little by little change her appeareance. Prayer is more powerful than anthing else in this world. If you have a worship team in your church have them interceed in worship for her, worship is the healing power of God!!!!!!!!. I will pray also. God please you and this child and my god give YOU wisdom and disernment on what to say and do or pray for this child in JESUS NAME WE PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear J., this poor girl. At this age ( whatever teenage year she is in), looks are important. From what you have written, it sounds as if her family cant afford to give her any more. As anouther reader offered, if you can find our her size, I recently cleaned out my closet, and would be happy to give you all I need to get rid of, however, I have one request, not for selfish reasons, but because of my husbands health, he was off work for 9 months, our car was repo'd, and I dont have money to ship them. I would also try to build a special friendship, maybe she will open up a bit to you. Ask her to help you clean up after youth group,just once, then let her know she can do it each week if she wants ( this way you are not singling her out each week.) Also my Church has a program called Josephs Warehouse, where the kids give each week, and they help as many parties as possible, it is completely seperate from the regular fund. They helped us twice while DH was off work. Maybe your Church could offer a few dollars for personal Hygiene items. If you are any where close to me, Middlefield OH, I would be happy to cut and style her hair, as long as it isnt too complicated or too high maintance( I havent done hair proffessionly for MANY years!). My heart goes out to this girl. Let me know if I can help. God Bless You for your work, and for caring about this girl. My personal email is ____@____.com. Please let me know. A.

J.,

American Girl has a book titled "All About You". You can get it at Bath and body and it covers everything! The cost is $10.

Sue

If you do approach the subject to her, do it in private. Maybe ask her if she would like to go shopping with you sometime. If her family can't afford clothing, Saver's has very nice clothing (used) that is very reasonably priced and not outdated. Big Lots and Dollar General has reasonably priced makeup as well. She may be very accepting of the help you are willing to offer and not feel ashamed at all. I wish someone would have helped me when I was growing up. I grew up in a poor family and I was screaming inside for someone to help me, I eventually learned on my own, but it would have been nice for someone to come forward and show me the way.
After I posted my response, I was thinking more about this and I wanted to add more to what I already said. What about having her babysit for you to make some extra money? (thats how I bought my own clothes and makeup) Also, have you tried complimenting her on certain qualities that she may have? (you have such pretty hair, have you tried wearing it up/down?) Something to that effect.

Hi J.,

The first thing that came to mind reading your comment was, maybe have an event with ALL the girls in your youth group and make it a fun "Make Over" party. That way it doesnt single this girl out, and its something fun for all of them! Either have them bring make up, nail polish, hair stuff,etc. or you provide it for them (since this girl probably doesnt have any to bring).

You could always do it as a Mary Kay party or another "home party" type product party - but make it clear to the consultant doing the party that this isnt necessarily for the "sales" of the party, but just a fun youth group event for teen girls.

Just a couple of ideas! Hope they help!

Good luck!
S.

While showering is important, a daily shower really isn't needed in most cases. Don't get on her about that. My skin and scalp were always too dry to take a shower every day unless I was dirty from doing something out doors or extra sweaty in the summer.
First, ask her if she'd like to learn to dress more trendy. There are a lot of teens who just don't care and the bullying doesn't bother them.
Why don't you try to get some people together from church to donate enough money to take her to some place like Plato's Closet that has nicer resale clothes? Help her pick out some cute outfits. You could get her a book about fashion so she can learn to dress herself nicely. Or a brush and a book on hair styles could go a long way. But again, she may not care that much and a sleek ponytail may be more than she really cares to bother with.

I don't know how old of a "teen" we are talking about, but my daughter really appreciated The American Girl's "The Care and Keeping of YOU" it is not just about the changes puberty brings but also things like brushing your teeth and shaving and cleaning under your nails. I really liked how everything was presented. This book is good for Jr High but probably a little too basic for high school.

I would ask her to help me do something at the church, or at my home and then buy her little gifts. Her and her family are probibly poor and can't afford personal items, and little sets of shampoo,body lotion don't cost much, nor does a puffy and liquid soap at Dollar General.

Reading what everyone has said I think you can make a great game plan! Reading the American Girl book sounds like a great start. I think you may want to try to make hygiene sound fun rather than a chore! A lot of teenagers are kind of lazy, more work sounds like a punishment. Show her that she has lots of soaps, shampoo, hair products, and lotions that all smell different. She can pick her own scent! Maybe have a fashion day where all the girls get make-overs! My sister had a foster child that was having the same problem. She took her out and bought her a starter kit of products. I think when she realizes that she can smell and feel better she will accept the responsibility! Some children dont get the attention they need, you could be the person to change this young girls life! Good luck and God Bless!

I would try the "half price book store" for your books. They usually have a good selection for pretty cheap. The one in Westerville,OH also has a Plato's Closet a few doors down and then a dollar (and up) store next to it. I'm not sure if you are close to there. HTH D.

I also work with the young people at the church. Maybe you can have a girl group. Just the young girls get together and talk. And you can talk about things as a group this way no one can feel single out.
Or you can go to her one on one with out no one else knowing and help clean her up. Just take one step at a time. You may even have to spend a little money on her just so she can know that people do care.

I remember a girl from my childhood that smelled all the time. Of course everyone made fun or her and she had no friends.....I even remember her name almost 30 years later and she will always be the poor stinky girl. So , now I am the mother of 4, 3 boys and a girl ages 15, 10, 3.5, &2.....the girl being the 3.5 yo. and I share this childhood story with my 10 yo son because his hygiene isn't up to snuff. I think it helps when you can share a past experience from childhood...it helps them relate. Also, a simple conversation about home life.....what's it like in her house? Is she the only one that is dirty? Does she have the "tools" she needs to correct the problem? Maybe they don't have a lot of hot water or parents aren't clean or don't have money for soap. Perhaps you could play dress up with her and help model to her good hygiene....."we have to make sure our body is clean when we put on clean clothes" Fix her hair for her but wash it first. Does she need deodorant and doesn't have any for some reason? Tell her God gave us these wonderful bodies and we need to take care of them. Perhaps you can find some more appropriate clothes for her at a mission or church. Good luck and God Bless!

There is a book called The Care and Keeping of You (I think). It's from the American Girl series and it's just as it sounds. It may answer some of her questions about puberty too that might be too embarassing to ask. It might be a good one to read together- short and kind of fun with cartoon drawings.

Being a Mary Kay consultant myself - the first thought that came to my mind was hosting a Mary Kay skin care class. That means just a few people - or it could even just be the two of you. It would appear as if you are learning together how to keep your skin clean and healthy. I am sure that if you talked with your Mary Kay consultand about the situation - she would tailor the instruction to help teach this girl. And showing her how to use just a touch of color would probably really boost her spirits.

J.:
God Bless you for the work you are doing. What about going to the Dollar store and buying some body wash, hair supplies, ect. Pending on how many girls you have in your group it may be big fun to have a skin consultant come in there are some great companies that do in home spa type programs and if they are working on buisness contacts they may even do it for free. Samples of diffrent things are great too. Then you can talk about the fact that these girls precious to God and he wants only the best for them and they want to give him their best too. I remember a family that the children rode our bus, they were very poor and being raised by their father. My mother took two trashbags full of clothes hygene items and Christmas presents to their home knocked on the door and ran. After Christmas break the girls came to school cleaner and talked about their secret santa. I never said a word but I learned the true meaning of givning from that! My heart goes out, And just in case no one else says it Thank You for being concerned and not mean.

I loved hte ideas that were hsared here and the spa day complete with "starter" gift packages is wonderful. Give each girl their own package and have hers include the american girl book. ( require them all to NOT open the packages until home) and like many others give me a size and I will donate, If my daiughters are not the same size, Ihave no problem going toplatos closet and pickung out anice outfit. You can give these to her personally or secret santa-ish you know her better.

My cousins were raised to think they were poor in a filthy disgustingly dirty home with no way to the working bathroom bacause of all the clutter. I rememebr for Christmas my parents took each kid out shopping for a new outfit and lunch. The kids wore those outfits almost every day since it was the only thing they had that was nice. HTey also started taking baths and washing there clothes despite there mothers inability to do so. THis could change her life.

It sounds like this girl would be perfect for you to 'take under your wing'. I think that if you are able (I am not sure how much time you can spend together) to do manicure days, pedicure days, shopping days, etc. It doesn't even have to be expensive, you can take her to the thrift store and just show her HOW to pick out something that is flattering to her. Bring her over to your house (if that is an option/within your comfort level) and make a big deal out of 'girly' soaks in water to do manicures. You could do a whole spa day and help her try to fix her hair, etc. If you put the time and energy into her self esteem, she might catch on to that. It is quite possible that noone has ever done that before. If you think it would be too obvious to single her out like that - maybe do a whole teen group spa day, etc. Or have a 'drawing' for a spa day and wow - she's the winner!

I would love to know how this turns out for you.

S.

I have a 12 year old step daughter who used to have the same problem. Her mother would send her here for a weekend visitation and had a lot of the same problems you're having. I would take her in the bathroom each morning with me and let her watch me apply my makeup or do my hair. I nudged politely that at her age, showers had to be taken every day. And, I took her shopping with me to help pick out nice clothes. We also shop at second-hand stores, but go to consignment shops where there is a lot of cute clothes. After time, she picked up my habits. It took a while, I'll admit. But it was all worth the effort. You're right, looks aren't everything, but hygiene is!

Try having a Spa Day with her. A lady I work with runs a Cinderella project and she did that with her girls. My sister and I sell spa products and she did this for the girls. The Cinderella girls loved loved loved it. It may even help her appreciate how she feels afterwards and if someone else is telling her about the importance of these things then you don't have to feel guilty for saying anything. If you would like some help with this let me know. There is no cost or obligation.