Helping 4 Y/o Through Parent Separation

The elephant in the room needs to be dealt with, meaning your brother needs to explain to his daughter that, yes, mommy is gone, and that he doesn't know when (no need to trouble her with "if" at this point) she will return, and that no matter what he loves her and is there for her. She needs his love, attention, and reassurance more than anything at this point to be secure. At 4 years old a child cannot process the sudden loss of a parent without the love and support of the surviving/still there parent. It's fine for her to see he's sad and upset at times as well, it validates her feelings.

You're right, consistency of her normal activities will help her to be secure. Your brother should seek counseling for himself and your niece, not as a substitute for being there for his daughter, but to help him be there for her, and to help him sort things out. He has a lot to think about, his wife leaving like this, he may have doubts about what to do in the event she desires to return. He needs to focus on what's best for him and their daughter.

Her behavior will be attention-seeking at times, as you've seen, keep boundaries in place and help reinforce her belonging to your family, no matter what. It's also hard for her to acknowledge what's happened in big chunks of time, she's still processing it and unsure of her reality. So talk when she brings it up, take her lead, so to speak, and don't force her to talk more than she's comfortable with. Which it seems you're doing.

Poor sweetheart, my grandchildren lost their mom at ages 2 and 5, it was very, very rough. My best to your brother and niece.

Poor kid. She's already a terror like you said. She's going to have to be reined in or brother isn't going to be able to handle her. She is 3 not 13. He can pick her up and make her do what he wants. He has the responsibility to show her she has boundaries. She doesn't have any yet and she's acting worse and worse until someone lays them down and makes her obey them. If they wait until she's older it gets really hard to pick her up and take her to the dinner table, sit her on their lap facing out, ignoring her attitude and screaming, and making her mind.

He needs to take some Love and Logic classes. It will teach him to manage her behaviors in a more positive way.

She is hurting right now for sure but she also needs the security of knowing where her bounds are. She feels a lot of stress of course.

She also needs her dad to teach her. Telling her how to act but making her comply is going to be hard for him. But he needs to do it.

I agree wholeheartedly with GrammaRocks. She said it well and I only want to make a comment about Gamma G's post. She is also right, tho the way she's worded it it sounds a bit harsh. I suggest that your brother and you don't have to be hard nosed about boundaries but do need to keep the boundaries she's already used to in place. Don't excuse poor behavior by saying she's so upset.

For example: Getting her to the table is the way to go, as you did. Unless it's been common in the past to allow children to not come to the table, you still need to expect them to come to the table. You spent time talking with her and I think that's good. I think you handled the situation well.

A book that could help with the so essential communication is How to Talk So Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk by Edna Ferber and Adele Maslizsch. This book gives the ways words will validate feelings and allow children to open up about what is on their mind.

And, yes, Love and Logic has great ideas and can help you know how to enforce boundaries in a loving way.

poor little girl. how very sad.
her security is blown to smithereens. so she needs extra support. that includes lots of love and listening, of course, and also firm boundaries that she can count on not to waver and blow away like her mommy's presence in her life.
i'm glad you're encouraging counseling. also encourage him to create good solid routines, that are flexible enough to take on the road ie to your house etc, but that don't change or disappear when she tests them.
you're a good auntie.
khairete
S.

I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I've been there. I took guardianship of my GD when she had just turned five. There were many periods of time when she didn't see mom for 5 - 6 weeks. Even her teachers knew if she had seen mom or not because of her disposition.

It is VERY hard. You just have to, like you said, keep things as consistent as possible and love her as much as possible.

The worst part is as soon as she starts to "get over it," mom will show up and it'll be right back to square one.

My heart breaks for DD!

I am not sure I have any advice, but this one sure hits home. My husband just served me with divorce papers without even talking to me about it first. He also won't tell me why, or leave. We have a 5 1/2 y/o girl and a 2 1/2 y/o boy. I can't understand what makes someone act this way, but I feel it is extremely selfish. Putting your needs before your child's needs is unacceptable. I know plenty of men do this kind of thing, but it blows my mind when women do. I feel for that poor child. The mother needs to spend time with her. You can't check in and out of a child's life. Please be there for your brother during this time and listen to him. He needs someone. The daughter is behaving as expected, she needs lots of extra love right now. I hope you will be an excellent Auntie for you, she will need a female figure in her life. I hope the mom comes around and figures things out.

thats so sad. perhaps you can form a closer aunt/niece bond with her to make up for it the tiniest bit? have her over for sleepovers and playing and give your brother a break
I agree with what the people below said as well