Help with Stupid

My DH is a Paramedic and washing your mouth out with soap with today's soaps is dangerous. He went to a conference about this exact thing. Don't do it it is cruel and not necessary to achieve your goal. Ignore him it is the only thing that really works. Walk away and do not communicate with him till he apologizes for saying it. Stick with it and do not back down. It will stop. It is probably just a phase and he will stop using it when he stops getting a rise out of you.

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Ok I have to disagree with everyone that said to use soap. Seriously? If I was a child and my mom washed my mouth out with soap for saying a word that was unacceptable, you better believe I would fully expect her to wash her mouth out with soap if I ever heard her say it. One of the best pieces of advice I received from my daughter's preschool is to not make a big deal out of it. The more you punish him for it, the more attention he is getting so he's going to keep it up. My daughter dropped the "S" bomb the other day. I asked her what she said, she repeated it, I asked her if she knew what it meant and she said no. I said it's not a very nice word and didn't make a big deal out of it. She hasn't said it again since then. She used stupid one time and we told her that it made people feel bad when you called them that and she stopped. Good luck!

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Soap is not harmful and gets the point across. I used it for mine, and I (like another responder) was surprised to find that he didn't mind the taste of it.

So, knowing that he doesn't like "spicy" stuff, and remembering my grandmother using Listerine on my cousin and I, the next time it happened I used a couple of drops of my mouth wash, Cepocol. I told him not to swallow it. The first time he instantly spit it out. The second time I made him hold it in his mouth until I counted to five. We haven't had to wash his mouth out since.

We don't allow stupid or shut up in our household. He has recently came home with "my bad" instead of "I'm sorry". I understand that "my bad" is common vernacular these days, but it still makes my skin crawl. Now he'll say, "My bad, I'm sorry". I also don't allow the use of any of these words/phrases in my classroom.

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Soap or Tobasco sauce. Also, give him alternative words he can use instead - foolish, silly, fool, crazy, etc.

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L.,
OK...I know this sounds a little strange but it worked for me. When my son was about 3.5 he started picking up really bad words at day care including the word "Stupid". I tried the washing the mouth out with soap but to my surprise he liked it. YUK.....Well I sat him down and explained that dirty, nasty, ugly words were just not allowed so here was the deal. For every bad word he said I was going to take one toy away from him and he would never get it back. It would go in the trash and I was going to start with his favorite toy, his Bike. However, for every bad word mommy said he would get a dollar to go to the dollar store. My son loves to go to the dollar store so it worked like a charm. He came home two times from school and asked me if he could tell me a word that his friends said because he didn't know if it was a bad word or not. I allowed him to say them and as he said "This doesn't count".

Well the tail of the story is he still has his bike and YES he has been to the dollar store 2 times (mommy didn't do as good). I havn't had any further problems with the bad words and WOW my language has sure improved.

Hope this helps and best of luck.

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L.!
Yikes, you are going way too far with this. it's just a word. We talk about some words being "strong", some 'inappropriate" at times, etc. but words are really just words. The best way to get a child that young to stop saying a word is to ignore it. He'll move on. The more you dwell on it the more he'll see it gives him power and he'll try it out some more!
Washing your child's mouth out with soap is abusive behavior in my opinion. He's three, so guide him gently and you'll get much better results than trying to control him through these head-strong developmental stages.
My husband is very good at using humor to diffuse a situation and turn things around. He'd probably say something like "Stupid book? I think you mean silly. Or maybe orange? Or spaghetti-flavored?" Go for it with interesting language you'd like to hear him use. Right now my three-year old calls anything with running or spraying water a geyser. We think that's pretty funny and clever for a little kid!

P. (mom of three boys ages 7,,& 3)

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One time with the soap and he won't say it again.

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I have washed all three of my kid's mouths out with soap.ONCE for each kid- it is a VERY effective tool-so use it with something REALLY big if you use it. It is drastic and for older kids. Stupid is not that big. There will be PLENTY more opportunities when you REALLY need something drastic. (Believe me!) All three of mine were for being rude or argumentative or disrespectful- and they were 8 or older and were given the choice in that they were told "If you treat me that way again you will have your mouth washed out with soap." I think three seems a little young to get the cause and effect of that punishment. Talk to the school about the language. Do THEY allow it? How do they handle it? If they ignore it, speak to the school supervisor. Peer pressure is a big thing even at three and if the kids are allowed to be rude at that age- what do they expect them to act like when they are in elementary or beyond? Stupid, idiot and shut up were all dirty words in our house and they were not to be used. If they were used I said "We do not use that word. Let's come up with something better." Get out the Thesaurus and look up some good alternatives. You'll enrich your kids vocabulary and they'll learn some FUN words that get their point across.
Try "beetlehead" or the standby at our house "Silly Goose". That way he will have to think about what he says and you are giving him an alternative to using a "lazy" word.
And amazingly- your child WILL get it. One of my proudest moments was a few years ago hearing my then 14 yr old son tell one of his friends who had used the "F bomb" upstairs in our game room in front of the littler sisters(I could hear them but I wasn't up there) that we didn't use that language in our house and to keep it clean.
Good luck. Life is good, but life is crazy....

Hello L.-I usually don't write on these posts very much but I read a lot of the responses to this and I'm by far no expert but it seems the bigger deal with make of all these small, silly things our kids do, the more they want to do it. It is our human nature to want to do something we are told not to do. So, why not simply ignore him and act like you don't even hear him, that will really shock him!! If he gets no reaction, he will not do it. All the soap, spankings, time-outs, talking isn't going to work because he is getting a reaction. This concept is true for even us adults, the more we are told we can't have or do something the more we want it. My three year old kept saying Shut-Up all the time, and I told him that is not a nice word and Mommy will not look or talk to you when you say that. That was the end of it!!! Try it, as hard as it is to just ignore them, but just see if it works.
Blessings-
E.

my hubby dad washed his mouth out with once and my hubby didnt do whatever it was again, at least not in front of his dad. of coarse he could not taste anything for about a week after. im not saying to do this but just givin u what i know might happen if u do do this

If telling him that word is not acceptable and is against the family rules and he persists (it's called "seeing how much I can get away with"), then I'm with your mother, and No, that's not too drastic. That's exactly what I did to my boys when they either lied or used offensive language, only I didn't do the washing, they did. I supervised to be sure the washcloth was good and soapy and saw to it that they got the insides of the cheeks, all around the teeth and over and under the tongue because I didn't want that lie or bad word hiding someplace in their mouth. He won't swallow the soap, and even if he did it wouldn't hurt him. A good washing and rinsing does a world of good. My sons are all adults now and they know how to talk around me.

My daughter would pick up words when she was little. The minute she said it, I would stop her and let her know that the word wasn't to be used and if she said it again she would get hot sauce. It might sound bad, but trust me it worked. I'd just give her a bit of tabasco (tiny bit.) The threat itself would work pretty much from there. Good luck!

I'm glad you were able to get him to stop saying that word. The daycare my son is in has forbidden words- "hate," "stupid," "baby" (as in calling each other "babies"), and a couple of others. The teachers made a rule that those are not nice words and if any of the children are caught saying them, they have to apologize and if it happens again they have time-out. These guys are in the 4yo class, so they understand it's mean to say these things.

Now our son calls us out when we say we hate something, etc. Sometimes we don't even notice how often we say it until he says something.

Hi L.,
In my house that word is simply not allowed. I tell my 6 yr old daughter that it's not nice to call people names. We also tell her that we don't make fun of people. Everyone is special in God's eyes. I can only imagine how hard decipline can be when the kids are not with you. Just remind the kids the importance of respecting others. Talk to the daycare provider and see if you all can work together on this issue.

Good luck,
E.

Soap cleaned my mouth out...and I'm still alive and well, and did not require years of therapy for the soap.
Good Luck and follow your heart.

PS an after thought...the words ..hate, stupid, and dumb are all "dirty words" in my house, they are never allowed. I do not even allow other peoples kids to use those words in my house, they are asked to go home.
Also, you may want to talk to your daycare to find out if they allow those words there.

Have you tried ignoring him when he says it? He is probably doing it for attention. We started having the problem with "shut up". Luckily, talking to her worked, but every once in a while she she'll say "We dont' say shut up".....the things they say:)

Someone should have warned you that they learn sooo much more at daycare!! I remember my now 12 yr old coming home and saying someone said the "S" word. When she actually said stupid was the word, I was so happy. I really thought it was the sh** word!! Just keep explaining to him that it may seem cool to say this word and all the other kids say it, but in your household, you don't say it! No tricks, just explain it calmly each time. My kids still don't use it or shut up. My 16 yr old was asked by another student to not use "retarded" because they had a relative that was mentally ill. Maybe you can say how it makes people feel.

I did it once and the behavior never occurred again.

I taught my kids that stupid is a bad word that should never be repeated. To them, it is on the same level as all the 4 letter words.
Teaching them that, they never say it.
My 8 yr. old still believes it is a dirty, bad word.

I contend that today's soap is no worse than the soap from the 70's. In fact I would say it is probably safer since we don't make kids as strong or resilient like in the "good Old days." Anyhoo- VINEGAR (apple cider) is natural, and it tastes horrible. I make my boys swish with it if they use inappropriate language. It is no worse than listerine and has the same germ fighting properties. Since she is only 3, I would use a teaspoon of it and make her hold it in her mouth for 10 seconds. Tell her you are killing the bad language germs and if she doesn't want to do this again, stop using "bad" words. Let me include that a bad word is whatever word you deem in inappropriate for your child to say. And yes, in my house I would wash an adult's mouth out with soap if they used bad language in front of the children (especially if already warned.) I am just mean like that. CB

Is it really a bad word? If it's used as an accurate description it's different from calling a name or describing something when you have a bad attitude. I started raising my kids that stupid was a bad word, and now our third kid is four and thinks it's funny when an adult will say "stupid" to accurately describe something (is it really better than "dumb"?) but not get in trouble because he can't tell the difference between the use of the word. My 6yo is barely getting it, and our 9yo NOW can tell the difference in word usage, but it still hurts her ears when she hears it. I wish I hadn't been so strict about that particular word. If he were saying an undeniably ugly word, then YES the soap works and you'll never have to do it more than twice at the most. But if it's controversial like "stupid" then you'll have to determine your boundaries. You're doing the right thing by trying to keep him from saying it, but maybe he doesn't understand the WAY he says it makes all the difference. If he were to say it when he's nine to describe somebody's poor choices, would he get his mouth washed out? Don't mean to be wordy.....just good luck and best wishes. I know how frustrating it can be, believe me!!!!

Hi L.. I would explain that if he uses that word Mommy isn't going to be around him because it's not nice. Then when he says it just go into the other room for a few minutes. If he follows you keep moving and hopefully he will get upset. Then you can explain again that it isn't a nice word and you aren't going to be around him if he keeps saying it. You have to find his "currency". Usually at this age, being around mommy means more than anything else. I also have used the Tabasco suggestion because my son started biting his sister everyday and after trying/failing with everything else I tried Tabasco. I just put a drop of it on my finger and wiped it on his tongue. Then grab him a glass of milk, it will mostly stop the stinging. I only did it once and my son quit biting. (Afterwards, I had to threaten a few times when he started to bite but I only had to follow through the one time). It sounds bad but it's better than soap, at least Tabasco is food, soap isn't meant to be ingested.

To me, it all depends on whether he has developed the mental ability to understand cause & effect in regard to behavior modification... Otherwise, you'll be washing his mouth out with soap, spanking, taking away privileges & toys over & over again until his brain develops that understanding... Keep in mind that punishment which works for a 4, 5 or 6 year old may not work for age 3. (My 2 cents, totally ignore when he says it and give small candy/rewards if he goes short periods of time without saying it, then lengthen the time required for the pay-out.)

For the past 2 months, my 2.5 yo says 'poopy' for everything... It took me a few weeks to realize that she talks without thinking--Really, I had to take a step back and remind myself of her developmental milestones. Simply put, she has not developed the ability to review her words mentally before they come out of her mouth.

If you wash his mouth out with soap, will he be able to understand that it is because of the specific word he said, or will he think it was because he talked in general? If you wash his mouth out repeatedly, will he just learn he shouldn't talk to you...? What I'm saying is, if he can't understand the reasons for the punishment, then you should be prepared for him to misinterpret the behavior that caused it. I guess it depends on how mature and cognitive you think he is in regard to vocabulary control.

This source (http://www.apa.org/releases/childrengoal0208.html) says that positive goal objectives tend to direct a 3 year old's behavior more than negative consequences... "Around age 3, children appear to shape their behavior in response to the outcomes they've come to expect. Anticipated outcomes that they value move them to act more than do outcomes that they don't...

In other words, by age 3, children can pursue specific goals even if they cannot directly sense those goals, which may now be more abstract. These older toddlers are sensitive to how goals change in value, begin to internalize their relationship to and control over events, and start to act in ways that will help them reach the goals they value most..."

I can only say-Brace yourself. It's going to get worse. My kids were not in daycare but were in preschool and public school until a few years ago. Stupid is not nearly the worst thing you're going to hear.

My son also had this problem and was told that he would have to lick soap if he continued name calling. He was curious and wanted to see what that would be like. One lick and he is reminded everytime he's tempted that its better to have a clean mouth without the soap than to have to clean it other ways. Helps him harness his own behavior.

Ok, I learned this from a therapist and there is no harm in it at all. Around here, we use "Hot Pepper Sauce". A little tobassco sauce touched to the tounge works like a charm. It won't hurt them, since it is technically a food product. I onlt dab a little on the finger and wipe it on the tounge. It is really effective. Good luck!!

You could try just walking away and ignoring him when he does it. That works for my 20 month old's behavior. He needs your attention and just walking away denies him that. Do it consistantly, don't get mad. You might give him a "look" when he does it, then walk away so he knows exactly what the cause was.

I don't like having my mouth washed out with soap and I think it is forceful in a way that I don't like, but my KG teacher did it to us and we turned out OK.

Keep up with the time outs and taking privileges away! He will get it after so long. Ya gotta stay consistent. Washing his mouth out with soap probably won't work. (We used that on our son for saying "no" to us..Needless to say, he still says it.)

Another approach is just to ignore it. He may like getting a reaction out of you for saying it..whether it be good or bad. Of course, they can't do that at daycare...I think you should def keep up with the time outs and such. Just be careful not to get angry with him and be patient with him. He's still little.

Sorry, don't have time to read the responses, so hope this
isn't repetitive. A person is rarely stupid, but a decision or a statement or action very often is. Stupid
is an opinion, usually. You may have a way to explain it
to him. A very intelligent person can make a stupid decision but it doesn't make him stupid. "Stupid" is a
hurtful word. Does he want to be hurtful, or lack another
word to use. Good luck. This will pass.