Help with Sister

Hi I've read all of the replies. Thin women who have always been thin are not knowledgable about obesity. They have no idea of the ins and outs of it. If the medical field can't figure it out, how in the world can the rest of us?

As far as your sister goes, leave her alone, don't let her weight be the subject of every family gathering. It can you know and if you allow that to happen you will wound her deeply. Do you and all the other posters really believe that she and her husband don't know the health risks. Good Grief its in every magazine and newspaper and on tv. Its none of your business how much your sister weighs. And I would bet everything I own that most of the posters are not concerned with their family and friend's health as much as they are how they look. There is so much hate againest people with weight problems. We are so kind and understanding about acoholism or drug abuse, but someone who is fat, well how disgusting is that? Sorry I'll get off my soapbox and no I'm not overweight, my doctor says I'm fine.
Have you noticed that size 2 is the norm now. How weird is that a size 8 or 10 is fat? Yikes.
I can't stress enough that you will be entering a mine field if you start in on your sister. Again, its none of your business. I"m sure I'll get in trouble with this post but I stand behind what I said 100%.

6 moms found this helpful

If you want to talk to your sister tread lightly. I have been on her end for a long time. My family means well. And I have gained weight through out the years. But it has made being at family functions stressful. I am really close to my family. I talk to both of my sisters' 3 times a week. And it is wonderful. But being infront of them is horrible. I can't be myself. I spend days trying to find the outfit that makes me look better. And I always bring up what my latest plan is for losing weight. Because I feel like if I don't they will say something. And then I think well they thought I was fat 10 pounds ago what do they think of me now.
I think that is great you are concerned but watch how many times you want to talk about it and how you do it.

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T.,
You said not to judge you, but that is exactly what you are doing to your sister and brother-in-law! I happen to weigh 335lbs, and my husband weighed 535lbs when we conceived my daughter, so I assure you that it is quite possible. As a person who has had a weight problem my whole life, and my husband only had one after football, I assure you bothering her about it will not help only make things worse. My husband and I have a gorgeous 4 year old daughter whom we love more than anything in the world. She is the reason we both want to loose weight, we have both tried diets, and programs and nothing worked over the long run, so he had lap band a year ago and is down 100lbs, and I am preparing to have the surgery early next year. A size 16/18 really is not that big, most people I know gain weight after they are married, it comes with being happy and content with who you are, and not feeling like you need to impress anyone. You should look more at if she is happy than how you feel about the situation. The fact that you are so worried about her weight makes me think maybe you have weight issues yourself.
M.

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HI T.,
I have also been a bigger girl for the past 7 years after having 3 children. My youngest is 9 months old. It is an emotional ordeal being a big girl. When you go out with friends you always feel the biggest. Trying to find clothes that are cute and the style that everyone else is wearing is hard to find and/or looks ridiculus on. The pain and emotion is with you some part of every single day. You do feel you are judged by people a lot more. Anyway, the best thing for you to do is be there for your sister. I recently started a new diet called Cinch. So far in the past 3 weeks I have lost 14 pounds and about 5 inches. I do feel better. I have more energy and starting to feel better getting into clothes. Have your sister check it out at http://www.cinchplan.com/K.-Thomas
If you guys have any questions feel free to ask at ____@____.com

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While it is commendable that you want to help your sister, the truth is...until she wants it for herself nothing you or anyone else says is going to matter.

You can have a frank and candid discussion with her about her health, but you know if you speak ill of her husband it will just cause more and different problems down the road.

Myself being heavy, I know depression plays a major role..I'm currently seperated from an abusive husband and it's taken me quite a long while to get my feet back under me and begin to take care of myself and take off the weight I put on during our marriage.

And from the sounds of it...she has every reason to be depressed married to a lout that cares not for his own health, or hers.

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You can tell her all she needs to hear from you without metioning weight, diet, husband or exercise. I agree that it would wonderful to tell your sister how much you love her and value her. Let her know you look forward to seeing her raise a family, and that you want her to be around a long, long time. Let her know you cannot imagine life without her, and that more than anything, you want to see her healthy and happy. Remind your sister of all of that.....period. She knows she's overweight; she knows she's not healthy; she knows they'll have trouble getting pregnant. You tell her how much she means to you. That's your part, but she has to do the rest. Her success may be hindered by her husband's seeming lack of interest in living a healthier lifestyle, but her success is NOT determined by it. She IS the one at the wheel. Just let her know how very much you value her, and let her know that often. And don't forget the power of prayer, sister!

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As an overweight person, yes, I can tell you that she does need to be self-motivated to lose the weight. You picking at her will not motivate her. And I see fat people having children all the time... what makes you think they won't be able to have children just because they're fat? At size 16-18, she's not even that fat! I would be far more concerned about the 350 lb. husband dropping dead of a heart attack (that would definitely keep them from having children together). The best thing you could do for your sister is to try to get her out walking several times a week. It's a great stress reliever, and she will be able to see how much better it makes her feel. How about driving over to her house and going for a walk together? You could call it your "sister time." You need to be supportive not negative.

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T.,

Just wanted to let you know how I am currently losing weight.
I discovered a sight right here on MamaSource called
FatLoss4Idiots.com I have tried many diets over the last decade or so and this one made the most sense to me. You get to pick the foods you like from a list provided. They are all whole fresh foods that you eat everyday and that you LIKE! It is so easy to stay on. You follow a very simple menu (from foods you picked out) for 11 days and then you have 3 days to eat whatever you like! No measuring portions and no calorie counting. The only real catch is that you can not overeat, but that was fairly easy to catch on to. Now I rarely eat too much. Easiest thing I have ever done. I started about 5 weeks ago and have lost 15 lbs. My goal is to lose about 60 lbs and I believe I am going to make it this time! Have your sister (or you) look at it. I hope this can help her as much as it has helped me!! I wish her the very best! ~J.

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You aren't a HORRIBLE person for writing that but if you were my sister you'd probably get an ear full and I might not be willing to talk to you for a very LONG time.

Partly it's because you do sound very judgmental. Partly it's because I've tried a LOT to lose weight and maybe your sister has too. Partly it's because she's a big girl and it's her life.

If God wants her to have kids she will. If a doctor says they need to lose weight to have kids it will be their choice.

Are you so darn certain she isn't trying? I can tell you that I've worked 10 times harder just keep from gaining more than 5-7 pounds per year than most skinny people ever work to stay where they are at. I've ran, walked, blown out my knees on bikes, blown out my shoulders on row machines, blown out my ankles marching up hills, caused myself major diarreah by walking too far on the weekends and that's just for starters. I've done pills, potions, nutrisystem and other things. I've cut out the fat, salt, sugar and ate a lot of rabbit food. I've kept food journals, read books and gone to doctors. Can you say that you have done all that? Maybe your sister doesn't want to share her struggles with you. Maybe your sister has tried many of these things. Or maybe she's just happy with herself the way she is.

You said you don't live close. So how can you be so darn certain she isn't motivated?

You asked us not to judge you but you have no problem judging your sister.

One of the RUDEST things I've ever heard is that fat people don't run after their kids. This is the 2nd time this week I've read this. That's not only insulting but it's ignorant. I'm a size 20 and run after 4 children all day, all night and all weekend and have for 21 years. I've been fat the last 10 years. It's never slowed me down and I dare say I have a lot more energy and stamina and work harder than most anyone I know. I've seen a great many fat ladies, much fatter than me even running after their kids.

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T., unfortunately there is nothing you can do about her husband. My husband is the same way, except he knows he's fat and will say so, but won't do squat about it. And the only thing he watches is the food going in his mouth. I'm no spring chicken myself, but I try. For years I've tried to get my husband to change his eating habits and excersize, but if it cost money, he won't do it. He thinks doctors just want your money and will tell you anyting to keep you coming back to get more money. Your BIL will have to suffer something major for him to wake up and change and as for your sister, well the fact that she has tried is something you can build on. She needs an accountability partner. Is there a gym between the two of you that you both could go to and meet there? Before my husband and I moved I was a member of a gym and doing great b/c I had an accountability partner. She motivated me when I wasn't and me her. Try that. Since her husband isn't a motivator but an instigator, you be her motivator. She can cook healthy meals and he has to eat them or fix his own and she'll have you there by her side. Even if you can only have accountability over the phone that will work also. Mayb go for a walk together once a week or over the weekend. Good luck and God Bless.
Oh, and you are not a bad person to feel the way you do. You obviously care for each of them very much and are concerned. That is not a bad person!!

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Has she tried any outdoor fitness programs. As a matter of personal experience, I was overweight with low self esteem. I went to the gym regularly after many years and worked out faithfully 4-6 days per week with little result. When I discovered an outdoor fitness group, I was immediately inlove with the atmosphere and fellowship (even a little competition) with the other students. My results were immediate! I know lead my own women's outdoor group and continue to become a little more fit every day and have a very tight group of friends that encourage each other through "thick" and "thin". Maybe group fitness in general would be helpful to your sis. Best of luck!

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Im sorry I dont have any advice for you but I did want to say that YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON FOR WRITING THAT!!! You are concerned about your sister and her health and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!! Good for you for seeking the help that she wont. Best wishes!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi T.. I agree with the people who say that your sister must want to lose weight herself, for herself. It can't be to please you, and her husband's weight has nothing to do with it. I recently started a program through our local hospital, and if such a thing is available to her, I recommend it. The keys to losing weight are portion control, 3 planned healthy snacks a day, and exercise, exercise, exercise. At the point where your sister is willing to set aside an hour a day for herself, for exercise, she has a fighting chance. Good luck to you, your sister and her husband.

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You are not a horrible person for wanting your sister to be healthy. I have not had a weight problem so I can't tell you advice on that. I have, however, done a lot of research on healthier ways of eating and living. I started doing this last year after my husband had cancer at age 26. I discovered that he now has a greater chance of getting other kinds of cancer later in life because of some of the chemo drugs used to treat his cancer. I also have a strong history of cancer in my family so I wanted to learn every thing I could about how to treat our bodies so that they could be as healthy as possible.

One thing I did was read a book called: "If It's Not Food, Don't Eat It" by Kelly Hayford, C.N.C. It's not a book about weight, but it goes a different route by explaining what's in today's " Standard American Diet" (S.A.D.) that is making us sick and fat. You could even read it first your self, then "let her borrow it," saying how much you enjoyed reading it. This way, you wouldn't even have to address her weight issue. It explains how the fake contents in food can lead to everything from allergies, heart disease, asthma, diabetes, behavior problems in kids, and cancer (and many more). I am not much of a reader, but I really enjoyed this book. It is an easy read. If you could get your sister interested in this book, it could help her learn that what she is eating effects her energy level, her mindset, and her health. If she follows the advice in this book, she would automatically loose weight.

I emailed the author with a question once, and she actually emailed me back! She also does nutritional counseling (could be over the phone) so that could also be a good resource for your sister.

Hope this helps a little. Best wishes

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you are not a bad sister. She needs to loose weight or she will die. thats that. I live in sw missouri and you wouldnt believe all the overweight people. It is unnessesary. But, the husband is the problem. She has to have people that will do anything for her. Last year, I weighed 160 and 5'2". I was a 10/12. WOW> I called Jenny. Ive lost 20lbs and have a great support group. Now I am stuck and still need to lose 20 more. I work out 5 days a week. I am somewhat motivated. but it is hard enough when you have lazy obese husband. OUCH> I would think she would want him around. He WILL die of a heart attack sooner than later. She could make small changes that would not have to include husband. Drinking lotsowater. salads for lunch. anything like that. But for you to help her she needs to want to, I know this isnt much help, but I wanted you to know you are not a bad sister. YOU are loving, caring sister.

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Weight loss, that's tricky. I think deep down EVERYONE wants to be a healthy weight. The anxiety of a swim party coming and thinking, "what am I going to wear?"can be so overwhelming. People can disagree with me all they want about how some women embrace their bigness, but it's not true. I think the wanting to be thin isn't the issue. The issue is how to get it,and the hope is that no one else sees how big a person really is.

Unfortunatly, I don't think there's anything you can do until she comes to you for advice. Then you can talk to her about accountability. LOTS of people have memberships to gyms, Weight Watchers, etc. However, the rate of obesity continues to increase. It's not that these programs don't work it's that in life, we're busy, and when things don't get done, the gym is the first thing to go. NOT TO MENTION, when you are overweight, going to a gym is SO overwhelming, what do I do there? And eat right, how do I do that? Especially with a husband that's unhealthy.

For my husband and I, it took a Dr.'s appt. 5 years ago. My husband was 32 and was told he was borderline diabetic AND had high blood pressure. He made a commitment to change and we did. But if anyone would have said we were fat, we would have said, "we're built this way." Of course, our kids were in the 10% percentile for weight. Obvioulsy NOT genetic.

So, what can you do, just be there when she's ready, and hold her accountable if she asks. Encourage her with new fun healthy recipies. But if you bring it up, it won't encourage her to change, it will however make her feel bad about herself and instead of dealing with that feeling, she'll eat. (That's what I'd do.)

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You are NOT horrible ! You are a GREAT sister ! You care so much about her !!
I wish I knew how to help you. I plan on reading the answers you get so I can get some idea of how to help my daughter who has a similar problem.

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T.: I'm not sure you can help. I was in a similar situation to your sister although I wasn't married. I dated a large man for a couple of years. The longer I dated him, the larger I got. His favorite midnight snack was a bacon cheeseburger (or three) and I'd often join him. He also was not very active, but did love to ride his motorcycle. Unfortunately, riding motor bikes doesn't burn many calories. After I stopped seeing this man, I lost 25 pounds in about 4 months. I lost the weight because I went back to eating like I did before I started dating him. Now when I have a midnight snack, it's usually a bowl of cheerios. I still eat whatever I want, I've never dieted, but I eat smaller portions and I eat a lot of steamed vegetables. Would your sister be willing to change her eating habits? If she's not, then I don't think that there is anything you can do.

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You are not a horrible person for writing about this. Obesity is a major health concern in this country. Tell your sister that you value her life, and want her to be around to raise her future children, and to be a great aunt to yours. Don't let Suzi's response sway you. I think you struck a nerve to close to home with her. Do all that you can to be supportive of her. If she's not ready, then there is nothing you can do. Just let her know how much you care, and if there is anything you can do to help you are more than willing to do that. Good luck.

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I think you have great intentions on helping your sister and nobody should be judging you, although some already have. It's obviously hurting you to see your sister overweight and since you know her best, you probably know she probably isn't trying to lose the weight beause her husband is obese. It's harder to get healthy when there is no support from the one you live with. Like others have said, she is setting herself up for many health issues in the future and she needs to take control of her weight now. I use to work with a woman who is obese and her husband is obese and they've been trying for years to get pregnant and can't. Maybe it's just not meant to be, but I believe if she was at a healthy weight it could definately be easier to conceive. Here's a great website on learning to eat low-glycemic, www.transitionslifestyle.com Low-glycemic means eating a low sugar diet. So many foods have sugar...too much sugar throws off the metabolic switch, causing our bodies to store fat, not burn fat. Dr. Sheri Lieberman is a wonderful woman that put this whole weight loss system together. It is similar to a diebetic diet, which is how we all should eat..cut out the sugar, processed foods, boxed-pre-packaged foods and replace them with fresh fruits, vegetables, chicken, turkey mostly. It doesn't mean one can never enjoy red meat or sweets, just not on a regular basis.
This Transitions Lifestyle system is not a diet, but a way of life. Just mention to your sister you ran across this website and it sounds really intersting, maybe she'll take a look and you can start it together, whether you need to lose weight or not. You're a great person for wanting to help your sister and I hoped I've helped some.
V.

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Has your sister been to a doctor? Has she had a scan of blood tests run to see how her cholesteral, glucose, thyroid, etc. range?

Well, I did and it put a scare in me. I was leading towards Diabetes 2 and I did not want to become a diabetic! I've seen too many people having limbs removed because of being a diabetic and the circulation wasn't running through their limbs.

Well, long story short, I decided I had better get moving. I went to a Nutritionist and thought that was a waste of my money, so I purchased some books and started reading up on what I needed to do to loose weight. My doctor had told me if I lost 10% of my weight I would probably get back in the safe zone again.

I know now, I have to stay away from items made with white flour. I eat more salads with a protein (hard boiled egg, chicken, salmon cut up in my salad).

I play with our Wii game ... I like bowling ... and I do swet when I bowl. Now I have the Wii Fit portion of the game. Oh, what a workout! My fit son loves to play these games and it's a workout for him!!!

I've lost some weight ... 12 pounds ... my glucose numbers are down ... and I'm thrilled. I feel so much better.

I purchased a book from Prevention and it explains everything. It tells you to eat low glycemic items. I'm sorry, but I can't remember the name of the book, but I'm sure you'll be able to find something to help.

Good luck. My husband has harped on me for years to loose weight and to build muscle and I just told him to shut up. Well, now I really have to do something and he is giving me his full support.

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T.,

Wow, I could easily be your sister. Just this summer we bought a membership to the Y and we all went together for about a week.....then it was just me and I was going like a mad woman! Then we got busy, went on vacation....still no one wanted to go....then we finally dropped it after about 3 weeks after. So your right, it is really hard to do it without the motivation of your partner.

But it can't be about him to begin with. I have to tell you that just in my own life, I seriously go back and forth with the issue of weight. On one hand, I think that my husband, who is pretty jealous, would be more comfortable if I were heavy because who would be falling all over a fat chick, right? But that doesn't work. Then I go back to, "Look, you are over 30, you have a man, 2 kids....why care?!" All sorts of things that like to trump the smarter, more sensible angel on the shoulder. I think that if you spoke to your sister in a way that was in a "I love you and am terribly concerned for you because you are't being good to you. I am concerned you might be depressed/ill/have home or work issues that have aided the weight gain....not just to say that she is a cow and looks disgusting. Find out where her "head weight" is at, and honestly find out what SHE thinks about it and wants to do about it. You can't hide the key to the liquer cabinet from an alocoholic and make them stop drinking, and you can't force an overweight person to lose weight. It has to be her thing.

You CAN be there as support, maybe do something physical once a week or so? Help her find a walking group in her area? Obviously she doesn't have hubby to keep her going and you can't, but it would be a world of difference for her if she had something.

Good luck, and know that (as a fat chick!) I do NOT think you are a horrible person. Your sister is lucky to have your love. Namaste!

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T.,
You are NOT a horrible person. I didn't hear you say that you wanted your sister to be "skinny" or "slim" or "look differently"...you said you wanted your sister to be "HEALTHY" and that the change in her weight has you worried (with good reason). The fact that this is a "change" for her leads me to believe that it is due to lifestyle changes rather than a "tendency" all her life to be heavy. Having worked in family practice and bariatric (weight loss) medicine, I have had to tell people they are overweight and discuss with them the issues of being overweight or obese, before I could assist with taking off the weight, and it is never a comfortable conversation. You would likely do well to leave the "weight" part out of the conversation with your sister and focus on the "health". Many people can be overweight, but healthy (even healthier than some of their thin counterparts!) and that is what she needs your support on.
Meet her for tea or coffee or meet for a walk and talk to her. Tell her you are concerned about her health. That you want her around for a long long time. That you know she's tried things like Curves and weight watchers and you just want to know if there is any way that you can support her in her efforts...like calling or visiting or setting a mutual goal (you both will walk X number of steps each day, start food journals, and be accountable to each other for example) or tell her you found a great book with tasty easy and healthy recipes that you like that you'd like her to see if she's interested.
Again...no mention here of weight...just health.
And I've seen it happen MANY times...when one partner takes the reigns and has good support with improving their lifestyle, the other often follows (at times reluctantly at first...) As a matter of fact, you might mention that you are worried about HIS health too and that changes she could make could certainly help HIM make changes too. Some people will be more likely to do something that will help their spouse before they will help themselves.
Caring for family and friends is NOT a crime. Thanks for caring. Best of luck!

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I have just lost 45lbs and it was very difficult. My husband is also overweight and does not feel like trying to lose any of his extra poundage. I don't really think there is anything you can do. It has to come from within because she will be making a major lifestyle change. The same goes for her husband. She can't expect him to want to lose weight just because she did. He has to want it. I just told myself there was nothing I could eat that would feel as good as stepping on the scale and losing another 1 or 2 lbs. My husband was not that supportive, but he wasn't unsupportive either. I just decided that for my son, I wouldn't be overweight anymore. I wanted to be able to enjoy everything with him, like swimming, and not be self concious about it. Yor sister will have her moment too and then you can help her out, but there isn't too much you can do until then.

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I've had issues with my sister. She knows she's heavy, but in her head just because I have bigger boobs I'm bigger than her. You can't make her do anything. She has to want to do it. Just be supportive. If she tells you she wants to lose weight than do everything you can to help her. Things like Weight Watchers don't work unless you are really motivated and stick to it. I hope she does lose the weight (I was a 16 until I had my kid and lost it running after him all day!) and bless you for worrying about and loving your sister so much.

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You can not do anything about your sisters weight. You can express your concern for her health and that is about it. If and when she decides to lose weight you can be supportive in any way possible for her, even if it is only on the phone. I am speaking from my own personal experience on this being an overweight person myself. In reading your letter it seems to me that you are a little angrier with her husband than with her. I don't think a concerned sister is a horrible person. I think she is very lucky to have you, but if you don't want to put a rift in your relationship I would say nothing beyond you concern for her health. I know I probably sound like a people pleaser. Being overweight is not something she does not know is there. You can't hide from it, it is there everyday. She will have to be ready and deal with it on her own.

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I would let her know that she is increasig her chances of Heart Disease and Diabetes.If she plains to have children those who are over weight obese are more likely to have problems getting pregnant meaning it takes longer and then being obese while pregnant increases pregnancy complications.Her husband is severly obese is she that heavy if not it'll go that way.Good for you to be concerned but it is her life and if she feels threatned that you are judging her the pounds will increase.Suggest she she a dr and get a complete physical including a preconception visit also blood work diatbetes cholestrol thyroid.Make sure she is ok othrwise her marraige etc she may need someone to talk to.Wsahm of 2 and 1 more on the way

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You are not a horrible person for writing about this. You are concerned about your sister. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. Your sister has to be the one that is ready. I would stay out of it and let her be the one to decide when it is time to loose weight. You may destroy your relationship with her if you continue to drop hints to loose weight.

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First of all, stop beating yourself up for loving your sister. While a 16-18 might not be morbidly obese, that doesn't mean that for her body style, this is ok. I agree with the others who have said there is nothing that you can do for her if she doesn't want to do it herself. However, from what you have said, it sounds like she does want to loose weight but doesn't know how. The first thing that both of you have to realize is that eatting can be an addiction just like drugs and alcohol. In order to loose the weight, you have to first have the desire and then you have to figure out why you put it on in the first place. If it is just laziness, then you have to decide to stop being lazy. If it is overeatting, you have be more aware of those habits. It is not a easy process and not every diet works for everyone. You have to find what works for you and stick with it. I recently read a book called "Running With Angels" by Pamela Hansen that was an eye openner for me. I am currently expecting our 3rd daughter and it was a wonderful reminder of how easy it can be to let yourself go because you are so busy being a mom. The book is basically Pamela's story of not only how she lost over 100 lbs but how she got to the point where she needed to loose the weight to begin with. If you can find the book, I highly recommend that you read it so that you can understand your sister a little better and then encourage her to read it as well. I will warn you, it will make you bawl. I have one other suggestion. It is especially hard to help from a distance (given she wants help) but there are ways. My MIL and SIL who live very far apart used to got "walking" together every morning. They had the same cell phone plan and would call eachother and talk every morning as the walked around their own neighborhood. It was a wonderful bonding time for both of them and they got their exercise at the same time. Maybe you could suggest something like this to your sister.

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Your not a horrible person for wanting your sister to be healthy! But you are right, nothing you say or do is going to get her to loose the weight, she has to want to and she has to do it. You can encourage but that is it. I have a sister (my youngest and she is the youngest of 5) that is very large, wears womens sizes and she's only 12. We have tried talking to her untill we were blue in the face. But she thinks she fine. She lives with Grandma and Grandma tries to limit what she eats and keep healthy stuff in the house but sister will get up in the night and eat. We have just accepted that she is the one to want to change and to make the change. Now I did buy her a work out tape and book. I told her that they were tools and it was up to her to use them. I got the Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds video and she has a really good book also. I use these tapes. They are low inmpact, make you sweat arobics for dummies. You may consider doing the same. But keep in mind, just because you give her the tools doesn't mean she'll use them. And she may be happy the way she is. My girlfriend is obease, has a husband that loves her and 4 great kids and is happy as a lark. Just love your sister and be there for her.

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You've gotten a lot of advice...here's some coming from an overweight woman..and I'm only telling you the following to help you not ruin the relationship you have with her.

If you say something to her, you will hurt your relationship. There's nothing you can do about HER weight problem...i'ts HER problem. You need to be there for support when she comes to you, and not burn your bridges by bringing up something that is probably very hurtful for her. She is an adult and she can manage her own life, marriage, and weight. If they try to have children and can't because of their weight, the dr. will discuss this with her and she can choose to or choose not to do something about it. I know when people try to get into my business whether it's a friend or relative, I learn that I can't go to that person when things are really down and then there's distance between us. Be a supportive sister, not a controlling one. You're asking us not to be judgemental to you, but honestly (I'm not being mean), it sounds like you're being judgemental toward your sister and her husband.
Love them. Help her by being a shoulder and an ear when she wants to talk, and don't give advice unless it's asked for.

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hey T.,
well i will start by saying that i too am a fat girl, and i too have tried my whole life to change that to no avail. i could go into all kinds of excuses as to why this is but the fact is, i'm fat. always have been. SO i don't want to run you through the ringer but it does sound like you might not understand what it's like. i can tell you that there is literally nothing you can do to help your sister. all you can do is love her as she is. that's IT. anyone who says otherwise has never been fat and honestly, until you've been there you don't know. i know it's hard and your intentions are good but truly, anything else is interfering and placing judgement. as i said, i have always been big, right now i am about a size 20, but i am a hard worker too, i have a physical job where i am on my feet every day, and i also chase after my two year old every evening/weekend. i'm not a lazy person. and i would die of embarrassment if anyone ever saw me unable to do something because of my size. but this isn't about me. obesity is, i think all the more horrible a problem (i don't consider it a disease, just to let you know - at least not in my case. i am perfectly healthy, no glandular problems, blood pressure 100/80, low cholesterol, perfect heartrate, i regularly go up 18 stairs, about 30 times a day without getting winded, etc. ) because EVERYONE sees it, EVERY moment of EVERY day. i guarantee you she's noticed and i guarantee you she's embarrassed by it. and yes it makes it much harder that her husband is enabling her. i know because my husband is the same way. i truly do understand your heart is in the right place, but the best thing for you to do is love her unconditionally. IF she asks for your advice, then try to give it to her (keeping in mind that you've never been in her shoes), with love and acceptance. if you can, try to put yourself in her shoes. smaller girls who struggle with 15 lbs here and there...multiply that by 5 or 6, for years on end, and try to imagine how much harder that might be. i'm trying to be nice about this, i'm sure it's hard to imagine for someone who's never been chronically FAT...but honestly, it's none of your business girl. i'd be really hurt and offended if my sister came to me about my weight. there might just be problems in your life that you need to work on too. i don't think you'd like anyone coming to you and pointing them out. that's all i can say. good luck.

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In the end, this has nothing to do with you. It is about her
and if she isn't motivated, there is nothing you can do. It
isn't your decision whether she loses weight or not, and if
she isn't committed to doing anything then Weight Watchers,
Curves, whatever will not help her and will just be a waste of
her money. You can't help her. I know that is hard to hear,
but you can't. Not unless she wants it, and she apparently
doesn't care enough about herself to do anything. If she was
motivated nothing would stop her, even her husbands laziness.
Nobody can do it for her. She is on her own on this.
You aren't a horrible person. You love your sister and you
want to help her, and you feel helpless. That is very hard
for you, I'm sure. But all you can do is be there for her
and offer your encouragement if she does decide to do something about this in the future. If she doesn't, then I'm
afraid nothing you do or say is going to be helpful and could
end up causing problems between the two of you. I've been
through a similar situation. You just have to let her live
her life, and you worry about your own.
I know this sounds like I'm being harsh, but I've already
learned that people are responsible for their own behavior and
you can't change it or try to force their hand. Ultimately
it is up to them and them alone.

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I really don't see what being overweight has to do with being able to have kids. Plenty of overweight people have kids! It's ok to be concerned for your sister's health, but she is the only one who can make the weight loss happen. It sounds like she is trying if she's been to Weight Watchers, Curves and even a gym. Having someone to exercise with is a good way to be motivated. Does she have any friends who would walk or do other exercise with her? I was in a Bible Study called The Lord's Table and I managed to lose about 30 lbs. I am still overweight, with three teenage daughters, by the way. There is an online version of The Lord's Table if she is interested. It's under Setting Captives Free.

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Okay - I know you've gotten a ton of responses already - I just want to second what someone said about Sparkpeople.com. I am working on losing baby weight - I found sparkpeople and I have lost 20 lbs already using their diet plan (It's healthy, not fad) and I only have 15 more to go!! In the past I have used Jenny craig with the same results, but it's so much more expensive. Here's how you approach your sister - I recommend you trying out sparkpeople for a while, maybe 2-3 weeks and then tell your sister about it - tell her how great it is for you and how it is helping you out (that is of course if you really do like it!) and then tell her to check it out. If she really wants to do something about her weight it will help plant the idea in her head and make it be something she does on her own - not something someone tells her she needs to do. Also if she sees you getting in shape (they have great workout videos and instuctions) she may get inspired. Good luck!

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She can only do it if she really wants to. If she starts only allowing healthy foods in her house, that will help. It will be harder without a motiviated hubbie, but it can happen.
Once upon a time, I was a size 8/10 and I finally had enough. I worked really hard and ate very healthy and got down to a size 2. I am pretty much there now...after my baby too. My hubbie was not into it at the point, but after sometime, he joined me once he saw the results.
Bottomline, she needs to want to lose weight.
(I don't think anyone will judge you...I know many people I wish would lose weight for health reasons...including my best friend...but her hubbie is unmotivated and so is she, the only thing I can do is keep inviting her to workout and out to lunch where I eat salads and hope it will catch on)

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I honestly don't have any advice besides just telling her that you are concerned and that you love her very much which is why you are saying something. I mostly wanted to write to tell you that you are not a bad person for wanting to talk to her or for asking about this. I can tell you aren't concerned because of vainity or embarrassment and you truely are concerned about her health. My sister is the same way. As a child she was always underweight and once she graduated h.s and met her now husband things started getting bad. She now weighs close to 300 pounds. I have mentioned to her that she should start getting out and walking and probably not eat that entire bag of chips and she says she knows. The truth is unless she wants to lose weight there isn't much you can do. I would just let her know you support her and will help in anyway you can when she is ready. Sorry if this isn't much help, but I was more concerned about making sure you aren't hard on yourself. Good luck.

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Thats the key thing here is she has to want to lose weight, you can encourage her with letting her know that HEART DISEASE kills alot of women and being overweight can make it worse, you can let her know that wanting a child and being heavy is not good, for the fact she wont be able to run around and play with her child. Her and her husband can become diabetic if they dont get the weight off. Im sure all of this she knows but like you said its something she has to want to do for herself and the sake of her health and child when the day comes she gets pregnant. She needs to know that gaining weight being pregnant being as big as she is, its gonna look alot worse when the day comes she gets pregnant.

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I applaud you for wanting to be supportive to your sister...but DONT nag her...this has to be a decision that she comes to on her own. It is a lot like smoking...we all know it isnt good for us..but we aren't going to quit until we WANT to!!! I know...I am an ex-smoker...and I am currently involved in trying to lose weight. I can tell you that I "went on a diet" every night for YEARS....I promised myself that I would start eating the right foods...start exercising...etc etc etc but by noon the next day I was right back where I had been...and no one was more disappointed in me that I was!!! It is unfortunate that her husband isn't willing to be supportive...that is what finally got ME going...my husband ( who is still as thin as when we married 39 years ago...the bum!!! lol) started cooking more diet friendly food and started walking with me every night. I also found a great support system on line and it is FREE!!! Tell your sister about http://sparkpeople.com/
Spark People is so wonderful...lots of recipes, calorie counter, support groups that will be right on target for her...no matter what her needs...ways to track her nutrition, exercise...set goals for herself....tons and tons of great support!!! She can also find people that live right in her area...that she can get out and exercise with if she wants!!
Do you have something that you are struggling with?? Do you need to quit smoking??? Start keeping the house clean??? Not lose your temper with your family?? Find something that you need to work on ...and you and your sister can be your own little "accountability group"...work on your "issues" together!!!
Stay positive...dont nag and let her know you love her!!!
Good luck!!
R. Ann

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First, it is not horrible for you to want your sister to live a healthier life. The problem that I see with this is that you are just putting the blame on your sister's husband. That could cause friction with you and your sister.

We need to start looking at what the government is not regulating!!! The portion sizes in restaurants is ridiculous. I think that people are just used to eating larger amounts, because that is what we are getting when we go out.

You might just say something like, "I have been taking a walk around my neighborhood every night, and it has really been a stress relief to have that time for myself". She would be more apt to try that if she does not feel pressured, and it becomes "her idea". Forget about her husband right now! She can do things for herself, but she has to want to lose the weight.

Best regards!

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I only read down to the woman chastising you for posting this. There are a lot of health issues with being overweight that go beyond the obvious that can be exacerbated by being pregnant. My sister is law was overweight but not what I would call obese, she developed gestational diabetes while pregnant with her son. I am in no way overweight and I have knee problems caused by the excess weight of being pregnant. I won’t even get into the implications to the child being raised by parents that have no concept of nutrition. Type 2 diabetes is on the rise in kids because of poor nutritional decisions. So to the woman who yelled at you, shame on you.

I have found keeping my diet separate from my now ex-husbands was the only thing that worked. I made his awful foods and the kids and I ate different meals. I figured if he wants to die young I will just make sure his insurance is paid.

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I see you have a lot of responses most of which seem almost rude, i don't think you should be judged and the ladies who are getting "snippy" need to take a breath and relax, she is concerned for HER sister, not being judgmental about over weight people. With that out of the way, obviously your sister and her husband know they are overweight, whether they admit to acknowledge it or not they do in fact KNOW. I don't think having a talk with your sister about your concerns is a bad thing, it may be a bit hard and she may take it the wrong way so be careful how you approach the subject with her and be prepared to be told to butt out, however it may be just what she needs is a boost of confidence from someone who knows her very well. Offer to go work out with her or go for walks, etc. Good Luck and ignore the people taking offense to your question they are obviously JUDGING you and just touchy about the topic of weight!

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Hi T.,
Please don’t feel that way because you love your sister and want to help her.
I will tell you what the Dr told me.
She and her husband are at a higher risk of heart disease, and at risk ( a higher risk) of becoming a diabetic. Along with other risks that come with being over weight.
That is also the same thing my husband was told years ago. Well he was up to near 250 and he is only about 5’9’ so he was really over weight. Well today he has diabetes and has to take pills for that along with blood pressure and cholesterol all though the pills for the blood pressure and cholesterol are not for that but to help his kidneys. He had been a diabetic for many years before we found out he was and it did a little damage to his kidneys.
At one time (just 7 months ago) I was in a size 16/18 and I started walking and then I got a treadmill and now back down to a 12/14 with most 14’s being to big on me.
So I would see if she can’t get a treadmill and work out on that. Just 25to 30 minutes a day. 3 or 4 days aweek
I wished that my sister had of been concerned with my weight like you are she just told me I was fat. So that motivated me into doing something about it.
I forgot to say that my husband is now down to 185 to 190 and keeps his blood sugar under control but it took a year to get that under control.
He is also on a low carb diet as well and that has helped him out.
Now the low carb diet didn’t help me out for I eat the same thing that he does But the walking sure has helped me out a lot.
Good Luck to you and your sister
K.

Hello T., 1st and foremost you are not a horrible person, so stop thinking that. Your sister is very lucky that you care enough about her to try to help her do something about this problem. Obesity, being overweight, and all the weight related issues can be very serious and very touchy subjects. Sometimes it's hard to really get the ones you love to understand that you are really concerend about them, and make take it personally. But likeyou said she's going to have to want to loose the weight. Maybe suggest that they consult with a nutritionist to help the eating habits, eat more healthier foods, maybe an expert can help them realize what they are doing to themselves. In reality, the weight problem will only cause more serious problems down the road. Good luck with your efforts T.. And please know that you have done nothing horrible by being concerned about your sister and her husband.

I don't have any good suggestions about the weight loss plan (I lost all my baby weight on maternity leave, but gained a ton of working mommy weight). I want to as well, but I don't have the energy for it. I just wanted to tell you that you are not a terrible person for saying you want your sister to lose weight because you are concerned about her health. Your intentions are in the right place, not because of vanity. Lots of luck to you!

You are not a horrible person for wanting good health for your sister. However, by speaking up about HER weight problem then it actually sends the message..."there is something wrong with you and how you currently are is not okay therefore, you need to change 'this or that' about yourself." Chances are, she already knows she has a weight problem because she sees herself everytime she gets out of the shower. And, you're right, this has to be something SHE wants to change about her lifestyle in order for it to work and for the weight to not only be lost but to stay off.

I know you said you don't want to be judged but I'd have to also advise you NOT to judge anyone with weight problems. This is an issue that is very sensitive for lots of women and my opinion is to "not even go there" with your sis and instead, let her come to you if she wants encouragement or help. Just keep loving her unconditionally and realize we all have our crosses to bear for one reason or another.

T.,

Yes, this is quite a pickle you are in. Obesity can lead to many health problems, including infertility. Not to mention that if they did have kids, they would be passing these poor eating habits on to them.

You love your sister, obviously, so she will understand that your concern is coming from a place of love, not a place of judgement. She's got to find her inner-power & independence to do this on her own. Hopefully her husband will follow suit. They've both got to know how overweight they are, they are just in denial about it.

My husband and I, former couch potatoes, have had WONDERFUL success with a nutritional program called Isagenix. I honestly this is one of the healthiest ways to lose weight without sacraficing nutrition. If they would just try the program for 30 days, I guarantee they will see such an improvement in their bodies & energy levels that they will never go back to their old ways.

Check out http://brennamorgan.isagenix.com for more info.

Best of luck!

where does your sister live? maybe u can find a friend where she lives who will walk with her of a morning and at night.give it a try.i moved to oklahoma but would if lived near her.

Hi T.,
I understand a deep love for a sister and about weight issues.
Your heart is sincerely in the right place. The honest issue, though is with your sister and her husband though. They have to want to change, she has to want to change. Your love and concern for her will not help her because it is her mindset that has to see the problem. Now if she brings you in and complains to you, then you can give her advice, but if she does not take the advice, then she gives up the right to reach out to you about the issue. I know it is hard, I have seen this/ been through this at multiple levels internal and external. All you can do for now is pray for your sister and continue to love her unconditionally and/or hope for something to enlighten her on her terms.
I wish you and your sister the best. M. N.

Hi T.,
If money is not too much of an object (yeah, right!) they can consult their doctor for a prescription of some type of pregnancy hormone (like $600 for the stuff) which they take via eyedrops. The hormone directs the body to use up the fat inside of the body already, and there are other guidlines that go along with it. Then there's, like, one more money dish-out--around $300 for a refill or something like that. All in all, for $1000 I suppose. My brother in law and his wife did it--they lost tons of weight. I've never heard of it before they told me about it, but it might be worth your sister talking to a doctor about.
Angie

You are not a horrible person for loving your sister. I actaully have the same problem your sister does, except that my husband is quite that big, my step daughter is. But another story...
Anyway I have been trying very hard to lose my weight back with the same problems, and one sight I have found that I love, although I am still working on it is www.sparkpeople.com.
It is a free site of others trying to lose weight and helping each other. I am not sure what else will help, becuase you are right she has to want to do it, and without support at home it is difficult, but give this a shot and I hope it helps. Take care and have a great day.

Hi T.,

It's good of you to be concerned for your sister's well being. I was overweight when I was pregnant. It was more difficult for me because of it. So I can tell you it's true. It also makes getting pregnant more difficult. It will be tough to get her to loose weight while her husband isn't motivated and in denile. Just be positive with her and encourage her. I have been on weight watchers since January and it's going great. I have lost 50 lbs so far. It's slow weight loss but it works as long as you stick with it. Plus they have an amazing support group. I let myself get really bad and at one point I just didn't care what I looked like until I had my son. She will have to be the one to make the decision to want to take better care of herself. Something or someone will get her to see what is happening to her. Trust me it only gets worse. First it's a pound here, a pound there then it becomes five ponds here and five pounds there. The next thing you know you won't recognize yourself in the mirror. Then the depression sets it and then the weight increases form that. It's a vicious circle. Show her what people think about this situation. Maybe it will help her so see and want to change. Be positive. Negativity creates more negativity. I wish you and your sister the best.

A. H.

First, unless your sis decides she has a weight problem, you can try and motivate all you'd like, but she will not loose any. She has to be the one to make the choice to loose weight.... So until she see's what obesity does to one, do not expect her (or dh) to loose any weight any time soon.

Now what you can do... Look for information in black and white that shows her what being overweight does for your health and keep passing it along. You should take time to read this and then encourage her to read it and keeping it positive and not condescending. If you preach, she will tune you out.....

Good Luck!

You're not a bad person, you're a loving sister who is concerned for the health & well-being of her sibling. I have the same problem with by best friend & I've been uncertain about the appropriate way to discuss it with her for a decade...no kidding. Really, unless your sister wants to lose weight, there isn't anything you can do. She very likely needs to change her lifestyle, not just go on a diet. A lifestyle change is huge and therefore, if she isn't on board with the change, she'll fall into what is comfortable and revert to her old ways. I'll be reading what other people suggest. Maybe one day I'll have the nerve to approach my best friend. Good luck; definitely not an easy subject.

Hi T., a couple of things to remember besides the fact there are many reasons for being over weight. That person has to be the one to get motivated. It doesn't matter how much you love them or want to help them, they have to be the ones to make that decision from within or no matter what you do they would end up putting the weight back on. As far as being to heavy to have kids, I doubt that would be a problem, if you look around in general public there are lots of women out there larger than a 16 or 18 that have kids. One of my dauhters being one of them. That is her life and I have been supportive but never a nag, that will put distance between your relationship. Not knowing their age the things that could be concerning down the road would be diabetes or heart disease. Good luck to you both!

You are a nice sister for caring about the health of your sister and brother in law. He sounds like he really needs some help for health reasons but he has to want to do it himself. Your sister is overweight but not out of control but she could get to that point. Here is the deal. Just be supportive and don't push it. It might ruin your relationship with your sister and yes they can have a baby being overweight.

Just talk to her and tell her how you feel, if you haven't all ready. You could always look up recipes to send her that are healthy, or even healthier versions of what they like to eat. I'm not sure how far apart you live, but if it's not to far, maybe you could get with her once a week or weekend and have a day where you exercise together and go over healthy recipes etc... Also if SHE is wanting this as well, there are other programs she could try that even deliver the healthy meals and right portions, expensive, but I hear it helps... Somebody on another post on here mentioned sparkpeople.com it's a free weight loss site w/groups etc... She has to want it for her self, and all you can do is support her from where you are and be her motivation if her husband won't! Good Luck to the both of you, I know weight loss is a hard journey, as I'm on it now!

As long as she is healthy, her weight should be of no concern of yours. If her health is at risk, then that's another story.You don't know all that goes on in her home; her husband may excercise. I excercise daily 30 min, but I am overweight because of the regimine my doctor has me on. Ultimately, she is the one who has to make the "lifestyle change" if one is needing to be made, not you. Seven years ago, is exactly what it is, seven years ago. Do you look the same as you did, I think not. We all change as we grow older, key word grow. Something for you to think about....

Wow, to the one who told you to mind your own business... ignore her. That's rude. When it comes to obesity and health, it is your place as her loving relative to be concerned, supportive, and helpful!

It's similar to my situation with my husband and his smoking. It is so awful for his health, and even bad for our relationship that he is killing years off of his life with me... so I might live longer, LONELY since he decides to smoke and be unhealthy. So I will always want him to quit, want him to be healthy, and live long... but at the same time... I am not the one who can make him quit... he has to do that on his own. I have nagged, and bought books, and begged, and bargained, EVERYTHING... he won't quit for me, he has to quit for himself. (AND IT MAKES ME SO MAD THAT HE WON'T QUIT FOR ME lol... if he loved me enough, wouldn't he quit smoking to be with me when we're old??)

Anyway, don't ever give up on her or think it's okay for someone to not care about their health. Always encourage good health for everyone. Buy her books when your out and see something, and think of her. I would definitely express your concerns to her about her health. Maybe buy her a book about what it does to your body to be overweight, and then ways to help reduce your weight. Don't make your whole relationship with her only about her weight though! That will probably push her away from you. I would still bring it up every now and then though... like I do with my husband. Like when he wakes up coughing, I'll sarcastically say, "Smoke another one.... " But I don't nag him anymore, that didn't get anywhere. He wants to quit, but hasn't dedicated himself to quitting.

I wouldn't bring it up to her. She knows she's overweight. The best thing you can do, is when you're around her make healthy meals and suggest going to get salads with out being obvious what you're trying to do. Maybe you shouldn't be putting all the blame on her husband, it sounds like she eats what she wants to just like he does. Sometimes couples just grow together, if you know what I mean.

I can understand that you would be concerned about your sister, but honestly, you can't do anything about this situation. Is there some reason why you think heavy people can't have children?? And what dictates that a size 16-18 is out of control. As a mother of 3 children, and at one time wearing a 20-22, I am appalled that you would think that they can't have children. I have recently lost a lot of weight, and am down to a size 14. Never has my size been a detriment to my children. And I decided to lose weight myself -- not because someone told me I had to. Support your sister. There is nothing you can say or do to make her lose weight, until she wants to herself. Give her and yourself a break! As far as the health concerns, yes, being overweight can cause a host of problems, but not always. At my heaviest I had perfect cholesterol, no indications of diabetes, heart was very healthy, etc. I was just bigger than the "average" person. My skinny brother, on the other hand, has had 4 heart attacks, out of control cholesterol, etc. Be supportive, but be careful how you do it!

Oh T., don't be so hard on yourself. You are not a horrible person; in fact, you are probably the most caring sister there is! You want the best for your sister and her husband. Unfortunately, until she is ready, you must just continue to pray for her. When she is determined to lose the weight, you can be her "cheerleader," and encourage her daily to reach her goals. Hang in there! Hopefully, the two of them will wake up to their weight issues before health issues develop! Have a great day! K.

Good Morning T.! First NO your not a horrible or bad person for wanting to encourage your sister. Bless you!!

The problem though (in my mind) your sis will have to do it for herself if her hubby wants to lose or not. You didn't mention Height of either of them.
I am 5'6 and weigh 140. I like me better 10 lbs less, buttttt she is a spreading..lol Anyway I have several g/f who are my heighth and weigh about 50 to 100 lbs more then I do. All have done curves, gym, walking, diets etc.. They wanted to lose so they keep going. Sis has to have the Want to's!!

Some like Dr. Phil and some don't he has several good motivational books on weight loss, maybe you could read it and find ways to encourage your sister. One of my friends was told she needed to lose at least 40-50 lbs as she was border line diabetic. She has lost 30 so far.

I think a good sensible diet and curves would do a body good! The choslesteral and High blood pressure ailments are enough to get some motivated to do well! I love the exercise DVD's on Belly dancing and salsa, if for no other reason i love to dance. Gr son's have a blast doing it too.

I haven't been much help, just let her know you love her dearly and want her to be healthy for a long long time.
K. Nana of 5
PS could you meet her at curves 3 times a week?
PSS I am 57 and have been up to 176lb.s after 2 son's. Hysti in 87 helped me lose about 20,but it came back. I turely hate diets but the weight has came off over several yrs, I am down to 140 now and have stayed here for many many yrs now. SO I have been heavy too :))

You are not a horrible person for wanting your sister to be healthy. To be honest. I don't have a real sister, I have a brother. But, if I did I would tell her straight up that I was worried about her. You are her sister and you are just looking out for her well being. I would not be ashamed to tell her. Maybe you could ask her if she would like to go for a walk sometime or you can go shopping and walk around and you can talk to her about it. Don't pressure her, just talk. See how she responds. Make sure you tell her that you are just worried about her. I would try and leave her husband out as much as possible so you don't get her all worked up about blaming it on him.

Hope this is helpful. Good Luck.

Kudo's to you for wanting to help your sister, and kudo's to all of you out there who seems to think that a 16/18 isn't THAT fat. New's flash, most, although not all, who wear a 16/18 are not only "that fat" but obese as well. I know, because I am a 14/16, 180 lbs and a 32.5 BMI ( clinically obese!). I don't FEEL that fat, but deep down, I know I am. I am taking the steps to rememdy that, bought a treadmill, running outside now that the weather is nice.

Support any effort your sister makes, try not to get frustrated when she isn't making any effort at all. Maybe for christmas, buy her a subscription to Prevention, or Self magazine, and then try very hard to bite your tongue. Instead of talking to her about her weight, talk to her about her hubby's, about how you are concerned she might have to do it all alone (maybe making her think about her own mortality).

As for the kids, it's a ligitimate concern. While I do see many obese women having babies, I equally see as many who can't due to hormone inbalances that cause loss of menstruation, infertility, and POS. I had to work out every day, at least 3.5 miles, and lose 20 lbs before I started mensruating again. I got lucky and concieved right away, but many don't.

Bottom line....SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT!!