Help with New Girlfriend

Hi J.

You did not say if your husband cheated with the co worker or not . But I am guessing it was too close a friendship for your liking .
But any way it sounds like your ex has moved on and you need to move on too . Focus on yourself right know and your little ones .
Mabey if you have low self esteem you may want to join a gym and work on your self image before you worry about dating again .
Also keep in mind fighting with your ex about the new girlfriend is not going to help the kids . The divorce is hard enough on kids . I went through a divorce with my parents when I was young and I always thought it was my fault my parents were fighting .
Just let your ex know you are not happy about the kids being around a new girlfriend so fast in their relationship . But do not be nasty around the kids it hurts them more then it does him .
Good luck

Okay....first off, you have only been "alone" for 2 months.
You need to focus on YOU and YOUR CHILDREN....
If your ex is all ready sleeping around, he is obviously VERY insecure and needs to have someone take care of him.
If he is sleeping with someone with your children around, don't let him see them unless he promises to do it without a girlfriend there.
You MUST be happy with your kids and your life, because that is what is going on right now. Being a "fatty" as you stated has nothing to do with it. You have to have fun, go to your children's functions,go out with your girlfriends,make a "date night" for yourself and whoever you can find. It is easy to state, but you must be the better person. Your ex will see how much you are enjoying yourself and your kids, and he will be the one that is sorry he messed up....if he strayed at work once, he will do it again. You tried for 2 years, that is LONG enough.
He will see you as a beautiful person who is enjoying life, and wish he would have stayed put!!
Happiness is sweet revenge!!
good luck

J., I'm not sure what to say, I have experienced something VERY simular. I also had an Aunt that has some what the same story. I don't want to go into details like this and I hope that this is okay but if you want to email me @ ____@____.com I'll talk to you then and see if I or we can't help each other. Sorry about what happened to you but remember this is a big world and your not the only one to go through it and survive!

We have a friend, whose wife divorced him and a few months later was living with a guy. He too was hurt, didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, etc. He focused on his kids and his job and a woman came along for him and they've been together 2 1/2 yrs. So as much as it hurts to let go- you were right about him and so you also should just focus on what you have, joining a group at church or a book club, anything that involves your interests and adults is great and I do believe that great things will happen for you. You sound like a wonderful person. Good Luck and God Bless!

Don't doubt yourself. If you were not happy in the marriage and your ex was not giving your marriage the appropriate attention, you did the right thing. Kids learn what they live. I understand your frustration with your ex having someone and then also having that someone spending the night. I personally think the best thing for you to do is to just focus on the things you can control (you cannot control him or what he does as long as the kids are safe). You will be a happier person if you only focus on what you have control over. The best person will come along when you least expect it and they will love and admire you for you and for the wonderful mother you are. Don't look for someone, your paths will cross. Good luck and it sounds like you are on the right path by seeing the doctor this week.

J.:

This is hard for you on so many levels but for your children you have to find a way to be ok.

I myself am facing several diffrent decisions in my life right now and with so many different things going on its hard to get even through one of them.
Take a step back and a deep breath and separate it all instead of looking at the whole jumbled up mess all at once and deal with one issue at a time.

I think women from all body types, facial structure ans beliefs, if they are caring parents tend to question their decisions especially if they are doing it on their own.

I worry much more about the parents who just know they are doing everything right and nobody ever better tell them anything cause they know everything. Close minded parenting does not leave any room for learning new skills.
Questioning yourself means you love your children enough to get it right.

I feel (just my opinion) that sleep overs for either you or your ex with a very short termed or new boy/girl friend is def sending wrong signals to a child, the whole dating and starting over thing, my opinion, that you or ex should date without children meeting for a couple of months. See if is going anywhere then a meet the child slowly over time and let things develop, I think it shows a very high lack of concern for the children's well being that your ex is not being low key in his dating, and this could lead to a trail of women in and out of his and the childrens life. You have a right to be upset in how that affects the children and you DO have a say in how that is being handled. Try to work that part out with him and if not then sadly you may have to go back to court.

It reinforces that You did not make a bad choice, His parenting skills lack if he shows no discrection on bringing a new woman in with very short dating time for an overnighter.

But again, this has to be about what he is subjecting the children to, and cant be about the fact that he is dating.

If he is caring for his children is careful and does not bring them around the children, he has the right to date whomever or whomevers he like and that part you have to let go of.

You have to feel better for you, being plus sized is not a death sentence. Its so hard to motivate when you feel depressed and seeing him move on is very hurtful I know.

But somehow for you and for your children you have to find a way to take the high road and get better for you.

Enjoy the children and find ways to find the good things in you and build on those, say or write positive sentences about yourself and say them until you believe them.
Join single parent support groups, find support from any corner you can, find a way to block out the his moving on thing and spend that energy on finding a way back to your own happiness. Once you move on and get happy with who you are, it will be amazing that men will come out of the woodwork.

If your miserable and unhappy your def going to attract the wrong kind of man who will prey on your vulnerability.

If your happy and confident in yourself that is when the right kind of man comes along, and it will work because you are already ok with who you are.

The children will benefit when your happy as well because they can sense your unhappiness.

They need you and count on you to be their beacon, think of that blessing, you have two beautiful children to love.

If the weight is really getting to you, then get on a buddy plan with someone to try to lose the weight, include the kids, you all can do sit ups together or play music and just dance around and be silly. Find joy in the little things and time WILL pass. Everyday day you survive, it will hurt just a little bit less and you get get just a little bit stronger.

The best of luck to you

I don't know if you should be trying to get him back or anything, but as far as other guys go... Don't worry about the ones who aren't attracted to you. The ones you think are put off by your bodytype. The guy who's meant for you WILL be attracted to you and make you feel great about yourself. For now though I would take time off of guys and focus on you and the kids. Men will always be around.

Tell your ex that you believe it's inappropriate to have over night guests or the sigificant other around until it is going to be something more permanent. Tell him that it is unhealthy for the children. Other than that concentrate on you and how you are feeling. You need to find a way to get through the hurt on to the other side so you can be happy and healthy.

I recommend logging on to www.datewithoutdrama.com. Paige Parker is full of great advice and offers to be a 'break-up' coach. You are too special to be wasting your time on someone who can't recognize what he has lost.

J.,
Divorce is never easy no matter who initiated it to begin with BUT having said that ... you are doing yourself NO GOOD by being so bitter and saying things like "he doesn't deserve to be happy." What do you think this type of talking or emotion is doing to your children?

Instead of hating life, hating the situation, hating your ex, hating the girlfriend, hating being a larger woman ... take all that energy you're using for hate and turn that energy into activity for yourself and for your children. This is a perfect time to start a walking program at your gym or outside. Perfect time to start a little program at home with your children, Monday nights could be making hand puppets out of old socks, Tuesday nights could be a video night and the children get to pick which video and make the low-cal popcorn, Wednesday nights could be make a low-cal recipe dinner that you've found on the internet, Thursday nights turn off TV and play a board game with the children, Friday night is for YOU ... if you work, go out for a drink after work with your co-workers or girlfriend, Saturday day go to the park with the kids and Saturday night go to a movie with a friend, Sunday go to church and the children can go to Sunday school.

I have been through a divorce once and a 11 yr relationship "divorce" another time AND I'm also a child of divorce ... and I can tell you, with 3 young ones life DOES suck at times but the more you stay busy, the more life seems brighter. The more YOU are happy, the happier the children will be and the better they will do in school.

This is a perfect time to teach your children UNconditional love ... no matter what went on in your marriage - he is still their Daddy and they love him.... don't ruin that love for him that they have.

I'm thinking all YOU see is fatty ... I too was a larger woman - and once I became happy with me - the more I was asked out on dates and adult group gatherings. I got married 9 1/2 yrs ago to a wonderful man that had never been married before and when I walked down the isle, I wore a size 20 dress ... you will find love again as long as you love yourself first.

I wish you tons of luck in your life and I apologize if I sounded a bit harsh - I'm just so passionate about life and being happy with the person that is inside of yourself.
Blessings Always,
D.

you made the right choice-my ex wouldnt give up his weed,booze,buddies,to feed his own kids-we all have our priorities.families always come first-no matter what.as far as your weight issue-change it-i know its hard-takes alot of work-but wouldnt ya just wanna slap him with-look at what you lost??ive been divorced 25 yrs.never remarried-my ex remarried-and has been miserable ever since-hes tried many times to come back home-NOT!!!!!!!.....take pride in your life,your kids,your choices,get out get a pt job-meet new ppl...live your life for you-things will fall into place.if you want to talk more feel free to email me-good luck-K.

How involved was your ex with the everyday caring for the kids?? Is the new girlfriend there to do HIS share of the parenting that he does not want to take responsiblity for?? When my husband and I got together, on the weekends that he had his boys I was the bad guy because I had to take care of meal time, nap time, bathtime, bed time and time outs. He was there for the fun times. I love his boys but they have a mom and I am not it. She has put them through hell and back. I am not sure exactly how many "sleep over buddies" she has had but they end up calling the guy daddy and after 4 and a half years I am still just Wendie. We have a three year old little girl together and if something were to happen where we split up and he was not caring for her "himself", I would not want him to have her at all. It is a really difficult situation to give advise on because there are so many different factors. But what is the most important is for you to take care of you and your kids. Just make sure that your lawyer and his knows your concerns when it comes to the welfare of your children.

Hi J.-First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I believe if you feel you did everything in your power to save the marriage and it didn't work, you were smart to get out and move on. Moving on is hard. You are still going through the grieving part of this breakup. I say grieving as divorce is like a death. It is good that you are seeking counseling. I imagine with 2 little ones you are kept busy, but remember, you need to do some things that make you happy/content too. I don't know if you have hobbies, etc. but make sure you TAKE time for these. Go to a movie with a friend, or by yourself to an afternoon movie. Swap babysitting with someone you know if $ are a concern. By taking time for yourself, you will be a better mom to your kids and happier with yourself. I understand the overweight part. I have been on a "diet" all of my life. Right now at 55, I have knee problems, etc. and used to be quite active. If nothing else, stay active. Your body will love you for it down the line. One thing is don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Take time to know yourself and be happy with yourself first before you start another relationship. When you are happy with yourself, your ex's relationships won't matter. You need to close one chapter of your life before you start another. As far as your ex, I doubt the relationship will work in the long run. If he cheated on you, he will cheat on her. No doubt in my mind. Hang in there girlfriend.

A little history about myself. My first marriage my ex cheated on me, lied, etc. etc. I didn't want to divorce him, but knew I had to for my own sanity. Looking back...best thing I ever did. I met a great man, married, had a baby, and he passed away when she was 3. Years later, met another great guy, married, and he too died before our second anniversary. So I know being alone. Now I've been in a relationship with another great guy for 13 years, and we have our ups and downs, but I am happy. Sometimes, you make your own happiness. He travels alot for business, and I have taken up my own hobbies, and things to do while he is gone. You just have to be cautious when picking "guys". First and foremost are you two babies. Nothing else matters, and they should be your focus and priority. If a great guy comes along that will love both you and your children..what a lucky woman you are. Until then...love them, and love yourself. Take care. Hugs to all of you.

L.

As far as the sleeping over while your kids are with him. Talk to your lawyer. If you have made your feelings known to him, I don't know what else you can do. No matter how you two feel about each other, they still need their daddy, if he is a half-way decent guy. I belong to Pre-paid Legal and have an attorney 24/7 to help with my legal problems.

I was in your situation a long time ago and understand your pain. Your ex is not going to change but you will soon realize there is life after divorce. My ex didn't want the girls (we had 4) and that was the most difficult thing to deal with. eventually he would see them but constantly trying to make them accept his choice of girlfriend, then wife. The worst thing you can do is put him down in front of your kids because in time they will see him for what he is and you will have to do or say nothing. Take the time they are with him and make that time special for you. Get in to an exercise program and join a support group like Beginning Experience or Divorce Care. Remember, you are not alone and you are special. God loves you and right now that may be all you need. Hang in there

Wow - you have gotten some great advice, but I'd like to "second" some of it. First, as far as questioning your decision, if your ex is already dating someone, I have a feeling he wasn't very emotionally attached anymore and therefore wasn't going to put forth the necessary effort to making your marriage work. And trying to "fake it" for the kids is never a good thing.

Also, as several others have said: as much as you want him to hurt as much as you, he won't. He isn't suffering the same consequences as you. So yes, you need to move on. My hubby's mother was cheated on by his dad, who eventually divorced her and remarried. She NEVER got over it. Everytime we saw her, we left thinking how OLD she seemed (much older than her age). And it was solely because of her bitterness. As she was dying from cancer, instead of truly enjoying and embracing her last moments with her children and grandchildren, she was still bitter and resentful of how she had been "wronged". That is no way to go through life. (His dad, on the other hand, has always seemed much younger than his age ~ it all depends on YOUR ATTITUDE!)

But you're on the right track ~ get therapy and stick with it. This will be a long process and will be the hardest thing you've ever done. But you obviously love your children, so let them be your motivation.

On one last note: It would concern me too that he is already having this chick staying with him while the kids are there. You need to voice your concern to him about this, but don't let it blow up or it will just become a point of contention for both of you.

Best of luck to you! And as far as your size ~ make sure you get your head in order first, than you can work on your body. Give it time.

Hi J.,

I am so sorry you are going through this, but please look at it as a learning experience. I have been right where you are, down to the letter! I would recommend that you call your attorney immediately and ask him what can be done about the sleepovers. I was able to get a judge to approve wording that forbade my ex from having sleepovers while my children were with him. I don't know what state you are in, and I know that laws vary from state to state, so you will have to talk to an attorney.

Now, about you. You have a long road of healing ahead of you, and the FIRST thing you need to do is take care of yourself. Your children need a mom who is strong and self-assured. I am glad you are seeing a counselor. I don't know if you are religious or not, but the one phrase that got me through was "Let Go, and Let God." I can remember saying it over and over -- especially late at night when I was alone in my bed and knew he was not! It WILL eventually get better. Learn to depend on yourself so that you don't have to call him for anything. If he is not on time with child support, file whatever paperwork is necessary to have it deducted from his paycheck. My ex always paid, but I never knew when I was going to get it. He was furious when I filed to have his pay docked, but my children got what money was coming to them on time!

Last, I would recommend that you keep busy. Join a church group, PTA, or reading group, volunteer at a food shelter or at your children's school, take music lessons, or learn karate! (With karate, your children could take classes with you!) Find something you've never done before and jump in! Not only will you meet new people, but it will take your mind off of all of this. Surround yourself with positive people, and it can make all the difference.

Whatever you do, DON'T EVER talk badly about your ex in front of your children. He may be the lowest snake in the forest, but resist the opportunity to tell that to your children. They will find out as they grow older exactly what type of man he is.

I'm sorry to have rattled on so, but I was where you are 19 years ago. I had some very good mentors, who had also been through this situation, who helped me cope. My point is that you need to focus on YOU! Everything else will fall into place -- just give it time.