Help with Hitting

Hi L.,
I am a mother of 4 and also do in home daycare. Is your child in daycare? If so, I would ask if there are any other children in his daycare who are hitters. This is such a hard topic. Some behaviors are learned/observed, and some are just the childs way of expressing themselves because their vocabulary isn't developed enough to express themselves verbally. Be consistant with telling him this behavior is not acceptable, and at 18 months old, he is old enough to learn what you will accept and what you wont. Don't let it slide even once, because that's all it will take for him to know that sometimes there will be a consiquence and sometimes there might not be. Children are fast learners and are smarter than we give them credit for sometimes. Good luck.
T.

Have you tried giving him time-outs? That works well with my 2 year old. We having been doing time-outs since he was 16 months old. Just be calm and firm and give him a time out each time he hits. Don't let any time slide. Little kids like to test you to see if you'll always punish them. My son used to hit me too when he didn't get his way and the time-outs worked for us.

I swear by the book "Parenting with Love and Logic". When my son is throwing a fit (he's 17 mos and isn't hitting, but we do this regardless), we say "Uh-oh, looks like you need a little bedroom time", and we stick him up in his crib for a few minutes until his tantrum is over and he's calmed down for a few minutes. We stay right outside the door and we leave the door open, but to him, we aren't there and he no longer has an audience. Its amazing how quickly the tantrum stops.

I think all toddlers go though this a little. When my daughter does that, I tell her, "Don't hit. We don't hit in this house and if you hit again, you'll have to sit on the naughty step." And, when she does it again, we follow through. When we sit her on the step, we say, "I told you not to hit. You'll have to sit on the naughty step and think about what you can do different next time." The negative behavior stops fairly quickly. We're also consistant. We only give her one warning. She sits on the naughty step for 1 minute per year of her age, and we set a timer. When the beep sounds, we go talk to her and remind her why she's there and how we can behave in the future and make better choices in the future. We always end with a hug and kiss. Good luck.

My son started to hit after seeing other children do the same thing in daycare. Before going to daycare he never hit me or anyone. The hitting continued until I eventually ended up pulling him out of that daycare center and had my mother start watching him for the few hours that I needed her. I'm not sure what the situation is with you, but my son saw another child hit an adult and that's where he learned the behavior from. Do any of the children that he plays with or is in daycare with do this??? Just an idea...

i know it may sound strange, but when you are at home and he is doing that, gently set your child on the floor and casually walk over him while letting him know you will not put up with his behavior. after stepping over him walk away and ignore him for a few minutes. when you give in to his temper tantrums by paying attention to him it gives him the green light to continue such behavior. also to if u have a bedroom for him and a baby gate put him in that room and let him have his tantrum for 2 minutes, then walk over and ask if he is done yet. if not then go for another 2 minutes. eventually they get tired of not having anyone to pay attention to them and so they stop.

Looks like you have gotten a lot of good advice already, but I just wanted to point something else out. I have read that children under 3 don't understand the negative. When you say to your son, "Don't Hit", it is actually coming across to him as "Hit". And if you are saying it over and over to him, he keeps getting the reinforcement to keep hitting. Try to say something very direct, but positive, like, "please be gentle, it hurts mommy when you hit her." also, try to eliminate the word "no" from your vocabulary. It will show you how much you are being negative and help you to be more positive.

I hate to tell you that with time this too shall pass, but that is all I can really tell you. Both my kids (now 5 and 2) went through the same thing at around the same 18 month-2 yr age bracket. I can tell you that with continuing reinforcement that "we don't hit" it helped curve the behavior with my kids and now neither one does it anymore. I would say that it lasted 4-6 months from start to finish with a definite increase before any sort of decrease in the behavior. I wish I had more optimistic words for you. I hear from all my friends that their children have gone or are going through the same thing and it appears to be part of the gaining independance phase. I wish you luck and remember, it is ok to say NO to your child. They all need boundries.

Often times when children are that young, they use physical aggression because they do not have enough words yet. As long as you are letting him know hitting is not a choice and not getting upset about it, it will pass. Also, let him know you want him to use what he does have to let you know what he is needing. If he is hitting while angry, hold his hands as you say you are doing, tell him it is not okay, then tell him "You can say 'I'm mad'"

Hi L.! I swear I could have written your request myself. I am having the same problem with my son who is 2 1/2. I read the responses for my own situation and somewhat agree. I have tried speaking with him, I have tried time outs, and now I am telling him he has to "ask nicely" when he would like something/to do something and when he hits that the answer will always be no. I also praise him when he does ask for things nicely and saying please. All have had only limited success. I just bought a children's book that talks about proper behavior (no hitting, kicking, spitting, etc.) It is a lift the flap book. I am hoping that may help, as well. We are as consistent as possible. We have changed day cares and after 2 weeks of being there the teacher had mentioned that he did it there as well.

This is something that we have been dealing with off and on for a couple of months now. I have noticed that it seems to occur more often when he is hungry or tired but sometimes it's just because he doesn't get his way. It also normally happens more toward the end of the day, with me (my loving husband works 2nd shift).

If anything works well for you, please let me know. I feel for you!

Hi L.:

Our daughter went through the same thing, only it was more toward the early 2's. What I can tell you is that it did seem to be just a phase (even though it is a frustrating and sometimes painful one at that!) It sounds like you are handling it well. The only other suggestion I would have is to maybe add "time-outs" into the routine if you are open to that form of discipline. We have used them from the time our daughter was quite small and they've always seemed to work. Good luck, and try to hold onto your patience! :)

Every toddler goes through this. My son is in this phase right now. When he does not get his way he will hit me or my husband or he will slap his hand in the air. When he does this I firmly tell him Don't hit and I don't like it. he will cry andget upset but he stops the behavior.

First you may want to try saying "be nice" instead, as a parent you probably say "don't" and "no" more than you can count! And to get him to realize just how much "nice" means to you make sure you make a big deal when you see him doing "nice" things. Toddlers constantly crave attention, let's give it to them in a positive way instead. But to fix the problem at hand (hitting), tell him firmly to be nice and if or when he does it again put him in time out for a minute or two. When you are putting him in time out keep your reason short, he won't understand a long drawn out explanation of why he is "in trouble". Simply tell him hitting is not nice or something along that line. And when you go to take him out of time out with a positive tone of voice tell him that we are going to be nice now. Just be consistent, he'll get it soon enough. Good luck!

I would try putting him in a time out for 2 minutes. That is a long time for an 18 month old and if you consistantly do it, he will learn. If he gets up, put him back in the time out. Eventually, he will stay.

My son is also 18 months old and had this problem starting at 15 months. It is a lot better now, but it is so upsetting when your sweet gentle baby hauls off and whacks you! Like other kids, he usually does it when he is tired or hungry and just doesn't have the energy to communicate the way he normally does. We have done the firm voice and held down his hands. We've said both "Be nice" and "Don't hit." I wish I was always positive, but I'm not. I always overdo praising him on the very next good thing he does. That has seemed to work the best.

One other thing that I think has helped is teaching him some sign language. He knows about a dozen signs now and uses them more when he is tired or hungry. He even makes up his own signs now when he wants to tell me something but doesn't have the words.

Many people have told me that all kids go through this. It's just so hard when your kid is being the naughty kid.

Hi L.. When my sweet son was hitting, we bought the book "Hands are not for Hitting". It's basic with nice big pictures. The book gives a lot of alternatives for what you can do with your hands. Now when it looks like my son my hit, I say "What are hands for" and he says "hugging" or "clapping". He liked the book and we read it over and over. It's been over a year and this still works at our house.

S.

Hi L...

My 18 month old son has started doing the same thing. I use to work for special needs kids that liked to hit as well during temper tantrums and so I have learned to use the same techniques at home. When our son hits us we usually hold his hands and arms down and hold them for only about 1-2minutes with out saying anything. It has helped us out. he no longer hits us when he throws the tantrum he just now lays on the floor. Hope this helps alittle bit..

R.