Help with Child Who Takes Horrible Care of His Things...

Updated on September 30, 2008
E.F. asks from Chattanooga, TN
28 answers

Hi, I am a mother of a 7 year old boy and 3 year old girl. My request is advice about the 7 year old. He takes terrible care of his toys. He has many that are broken his games are always taken apart and the pieces missing. I tell him all the time I don't want to buy him toys and games because he always wrecks them. What can I do about his room full of broken toys and games. What a waste of money for us and for family!!! HELP! IDEAS! Elle

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B.C.

answers from Nashville on

Clean his room and throw away all the broken toys and toys with pieces missing. Arrange his room in an organized fashion and insist he keep his toys neat and in good shape. He has to learn to respect and care for is possessions. Whenever he destroys a toy - throw it away. Don't buy anything new. When he realizes that his supply of possessions are dwindling he will see that you mean business. He may have to suffer a little withdrawal from breaking things but he will learn. If you don't teach him now it will only get worse when he is older - and the toys will be more expensive.

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S.B.

answers from Charlotte on

Throw away any broken toys or games missing pieces and dont buy more.Ask family/freind not to buy any more..sooner or later he will realise that its no fun not having toys to play with and hopefully will take better care of the ones he has..good luck..

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B.R.

answers from Raleigh on

Stick to you guns with the not wanting to buy new toys if they are just going to get broken. When DS (age 5) and I did the last deep clean on his room, we put all the toys in the hall and separated them back into their containers. If one was broken or missing parts, it went into another container. They get "trashed." (If some parts are o.k., they may go to charity or still get used here). When he sees that his toys are disappearing, he'll take notice (hopefully). Don't buy new toys until he can start taking care of what he has. He'll either get real creative with what is left or get responsible.
HTH
B.

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

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2 moms found this helpful
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M.M.

answers from Jacksonville on

You have gotten some good advice. With my now 19 yo I purged his room at 5. We took put everything except books. He could earn them back but he only wanted certain toys, Legos and some trucks. WE had some things in storage for years. My son was overwhelmed with the amount of junk he had gotten from every holiday. Go into his room and throw out everything that is broken. Then pack up what is too young for him and what might be too old yet.
My others are 13, 10 and 7 and they know when I say Clean up or I'm coming in that I will take toys but sometimes it's actually a relief to them to have mom come in and clean out. We do it before Christmas in OCT/NOV.
I also just shut the door. I make a path to the bed. We have them really clean up about once a month to vacuum.

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L.S.

answers from Nashville on

I have a Nathan also and he is only 5, but sometimes has similiar behavior. He ruined brand new funiture with permanent marker and dented it all up pencils and toys. He shares a bedroom with his 11 year old brother and both of them had issues with toys. We got pretty fed up, so we bagged up most of their toys, threw away all the broken ones and gave away ones they did not play with. The key to the success, though, is following through, giving total supervision to his playing with his toys and redirecting his aggression. Is he getting any consequences for this behavior?? He is quite old enough to do chores - fold his own clothes, vacuum, put dinner food away, load and unload a dishwasher, wipe counters. While these will require supervision, spending that time with him will build a quality relationship and give you and your husband time to casually speak to him about his agression. Take the time to teach him that negative aggression must be stopped and when he learns to deal with it appropriately, he will be rewarded for it. Make a chart to show him when he's been good and let him know there will be rewards and let him know what they will be. They shouldn't be more toys. Have your husband spend reward time with him (for having a good attitude toward his new life, not for the performance of it). He can get age appropriate model cars that will take time to build, get a paint by numbers, building sets of toys like legos or kinexs - anything that involves more than one person or is more fun with more than one person. Having to work with his hands and take the time to actually put something together may foster the attitude that it is his creation and worthy of keeping it in good shape. You may want to give him a small allowance and tell him that from now on, he will be buying his own toys, but only ones you approve of and only when he has a good attitude toward them. Bringing that kind of order and structure will also benefit your daughter. Get her involved and do the same with her so that your son won't feel he's being singled out. Believe it or not, my 5 year old folds his own clothes, vacuums and wipes the table after dinner. We are working on his attitude with his choice of words and how he talks nasty to his brother. He doesn't cuss, but he's rude just the same. Instead of focusing too much on the negative attitude, we are trying to reward him when he does the right thing. The results are longer lasting. Good luck. I would love to hear back after you read all your replies as to what works for you.

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A.W.

answers from Nashville on

He could be like my brother when he was young. My brother took things apart to see how they work. So my mom would give him old radios & things like that, so he could take them apart and see how they work. If he is just breaking toys, to break them. I would just throw them away & not replace them.

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J.L.

answers from Clarksville on

Hi Ellen,

For starters, I would follow through with what you've told him and NOT buy him new toys. Then have him help you gather up all the broken toys and discard those. The next step is to pack up all his other toys/games and store them in a box. Keep these toys stored for about one week so your child doesn't have any toys. He will need to earn them back. After one week, allow him to choose one toy from the box that he would like to earn back. Establish guidelines and rules for playing with the toy. Model how you expect him to play with it and let him know that if he treats the toy badly, he will lose it again. Sounds harsh and like lots of work but trust me, it works. I've had to take toys away from my ds for not taking care of them and putting them away when he is done using them. Our house rules are be responsible, respectful and reliable so if he can't be responsible with his toys, he can't have them to play with. This goes for everyone in the house, not just the kids.

Good luck,
J.

1 mom found this helpful
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P.B.

answers from Charlotte on

Hi Ellen,

When I read that you wished you had a manual for kids, I had to write. Although there is no manual, I do give a book to new moms as a gift. It is caled Personality Plus for parents...by Florence Littauer. It is an awesome book. You will learn alot and will look back in it quite a bit. You will get your monies worth. It will help with all relationships in your life. Anyway, about the toys...take them all away. I know that is hard. Luckliy, I never had the problem of destruction with toys. I have two girls 9 and 11. I did have the toys all over the place though. And I have learned that less is more. The less they have, the more they appreciate it. It is hard for me not to want to give the kids everything, but we don't need it. Our society as a whole have very spoiled kids. As adults we are spoiled. I'm ot going to continue because I know I can go forever on this topic. But remember, Less is More. If we all can turn off the electronics more and make our children play with what they have (less is more), he might learn to appreciate what he does have. I hope that helps.

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A.H.

answers from Nashville on

I also have a 7 year old son who is less than tidy. He seems to want to take apart things, but I think that it is just his nature. I have made sure there are specific containers for each category of items and have started a chore list with a reward of an allowance too. His room is not included but is the "gate" to getting the allowance. If he wants something that I know he will end up tearing apart and loosing, then he has to pay for it. I stick to purchasing toys, etc that are virtually indestructable. We also have strict consequences when he does break things or takes poor care of them. He looses priveleges such as TV, video games etc.

Good luck

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A.C.

answers from Wilmington on

Dear Ellen,
-Quite frankly, I'm in a similar situation with my 21 year old son. He's moved out, but has left his room full of old broken toys, games, school papers and junk. Writing this is therapeutic for me.
-I wouldn't tell Nathan that you aren't going to buy him any more things, because you will and he knows it. Whether or not you WANT to buy him any more things doesn't matter.
-Pitch the toys that are broken.
-Then, leave available to him in an organized manner, a few toys that he plays with the most.
-Put some of the remainder in storage, give some to charity.
There is NO NEED to tell him what you are giving to charity. I gave away my stepson's red truck to a Christmas gifts-for-kids-type thing. He was almost 10, the truck was from his toddler years. I didn't realize how much he thought the truck meant to him. Had I not told him what I did, I'm sure he wouldn't have noticed its absence.
-Every week or two, bring some toys out of storage and pack up others for storage.
-If he shows that he is managing his toys in a more controlled fashion, than he can have more toys available.
-If he's dispositionally incapable of sitting and playing a board game, don't let him have board games.
He may need more outside (balls, skates, etc.) toys and climbing toys.
Good luck!

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C.M.

answers from Washington DC on

Maybe it's time to put away some of his toys into storage in the attic or basement, or donate the ones he no longer plays with. If he has too many toys lying around, he may think they're disposable. If he breaks something, don't replace it. Let him come to realize that his toys are a privilege, not a right. Talk to him about why you're doing this and how it's important to take care of our things. If he gets better, reintroduce some of his toys from storage. That's my advice. (Also, instead of spending a lot of money on new toys, you could always spend a lot less on used items at consignment sales or Good Will. Just clean them up.)

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R.W.

answers from Charlotte on

You have gotten some wonderful advice so far! I have 3 children and my youngest's room is the worst because he has "inherited" all his toys, plus was given toys as gifts. I absolutely love the advice on John Rosemond. Anything that man says is wonderful and works, trust me! He has helped me on some other issues with my oldest daughter. My children's birthdays are in the fall and so every year before their birthdays (and Christmas) we go through their rooms and clean out ALL their toys. They keep the ones they really want and still play with but they also know that they are getting new ones soon with birthdays and Christmas coming up. They donate the other gently used toys to a local charity that gives toys to children who don't have any. This is two-fold because it teaches them to get rid of what they don't need or want and to not hold onto it and it also helps them "Bless" others with something that they didn't have. As for broken ones, they are discarded. We also have the "cleaning bug" who comes to our house when the kids are gone and he will "clean" any toys left on the floors that they didn't pick up and the "cleaning bug" leaves all those toys in my closet in a trash bag and the kids get to earn those back by doing good deeds and chores and keeping their toys picked up. The "Cleaning bug" comes about once a week when either my husband or I take the kids out and the other "cleans" up. We announce it early in the day that he is coming to check their rooms and they know the cleaning bug means business!

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T.H.

answers from Louisville on

I have the same problem with my 8 year old daughter. It drives me nuts!!! I can thatnk my in-laws for her problem. They will come over to my house and clean up her room for her. I feel that she should be old enough to do that herself. But if they come over and it's not clean my father-n-law cleans it right up for his little princess. That also makes me crazy! I have talked to him about it. It hasn't helped yet. I will also be reading your responses. Good luck and I know how you feel sorry I don't have any advice because I'm in the same boat. Just support here. T.

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A.D.

answers from Charlotte on

Clean out the room but it sounds like he enjoys seeing how things work. My oldest, now 13 was like this. We bought legos, the sets like Batman, Indiana Jones,etc.. He would play for hours. Also you could go to garage sales or consignment shops for some older elctronics/age appropriate toys. Have a specific time and place to take things apart. Let him know and set this area up so he understands that it is ok but only with things that are in this area. I always allow my children to help me with these kinds of things so they completely grasp it and are clear in my rules of what is expected.
Good luck!

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A.P.

answers from Greenville on

I agree with several responses. First, sit him down and let him know that toys are a privilege. If he breaks another toy, let him know that they will all be taken away out of his room for a certain period of time (like a week). Follow through and don't buy any new toys until he learns to take care of the ones he has. Also, get rid of the toys that he doesn't use or has already broken.

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K.P.

answers from Memphis on

I like what several people said below about turning his destruction into construction -- legos or other toys that are meant to be in pieces. I also have an alternate suggestion:

He may be overwhelmed with too much stuff in his room that he can't keep clean. You may need to play "reverse Santa Claus" and take a big bag and get rid of half of his toys. Although my children are younger, they play better in their room with fewer toys (we've got our house on the market, so I've gotten rid of a lot of their toys out-right, and put a bunch more in storage), and it's easier to keep clean.

Also, it's time for you to stop "telling him all the time that you don't want to buy him toys and games" and JUST STOP. If you're fine with doing an allowance, he needs to purchase toys out of his allowance. I prefer the "commission" system, where he gets a certain amount of money for work done (just like in real life), in addition to chores done just because he's a contributing member of the household. Or, if he gets money from relatives for his birthday, he needs to spend that. However he gets his money, he needs to spend *his own money* on toys -- not YOURS. He may immediately start taking better care of his things, just because he's got "his own money" invested in the purchasing of them; but if not, he'll expect you to cave in and buy him more toys, so you'll have to stand firm as he makes the adjustment from you buying toys to him buying toys. Eventually he'll "get it" and you'll be surprised how few toys he'll buy when it's his own money; and those purchases will be well-thought-out, and he'll play with them much better. And if not, it's his problem.

Oh, and about cleaning up his room -- you may want to enlist his help, to see what stays and what goes. You may want to do like the TV show "Clean Sweep" where they have an allotted amount of space for things, and when that's full, everything else has to go. It will require him to pick and choose what stays and what goes. You may be surprised at what he wants to keep and what he wants to get rid of. And when his room is clean and organized, it will be easier to have it stay that way; and if you make it one of his required chores to clean his room before he goes to bed, or before he watches TV or plays with his friends, then it will be easier for him to keep it clean.

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K.S.

answers from Hickory on

Don't buy new things, instead say "I'm not buying anything new until I see you take care of what you have." And stick to it. People get away with what they are able to get away with.

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L.

answers from Charlotte on

Dr. Dobson's "Dare to Discipline" is full of great, practical ideas, in my opinion, on raising children. I think you'd find it very helpful and definitely it will give you ideas on how to teach your son to take care of his things. God bless!

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E.M.

answers from Louisville on

when ever you see him break one or find one broken take another one away. he will get the hint soon enough. or he will run out of toys!throw away the broken toys or give them to goodwill

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M.D.

answers from Louisville on

I hear Flylady.com has videos that talk about cleaning and taking care of one's belongings and they work great

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A.R.

answers from Knoxville on

I think you answered your own question. "I tell him all the time I don't want to buy him toys and games because he always wrecks them." Do you actually follow through with this. (I am really good with the threat but my execution sucks most of the time) My little girl is going on 5 and she just doesn't play with her toys. She asked me to buy her something at the store and I told her no because she just plays with rocks, sticks, cuts little bits of paper and throws them all over the house and takes all of MY stuff out of the kitchen and does whatever she does with it. Here all of the sudden she started uses her toys and playing very nicely in her room so I think I will buy her something. It has been months since I bought her a new toy. I really just got sick of spending my money on useless stuff.

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B.L.

answers from Jacksonville on

I love reading John Rosemond, my favorite parenting author. He has said that kids should have very few toys, and the toys they have should be very plain and simple, such as blocks, legos, tinker toys, bike, ball, etc. Otherwise, instead of using their imaginations (the block can be an airplane, a monster, a ship, etc) they play with toys as they are for a few minutes, and then are done. Check him out at www.rosemond.com. I get his books cheap on amazon, or check the library.

He gave an example in one book of some parents who walked in on their kid in his room while he was lavishly pretending that some item in his room was a rocket, and he was having a ball. So they went out and bought him a rocket to play with. He was bored with it in five minutes. Same at Christmas time, all these very specific toys that do one thing become boring fast, and the day after Christmas the kids are moping around with nothing to do. And, the gift givers (namely Mom and Dad) are frustrated at all the money they spent, and the mess to clean up, and the expensive toys that break and aren't cared for.

My six year old has spent hundreds of hours playing with his blocks, cars, dinosaurs and legos. And he and the three-year-old spend hours outside playing in the $6 pool we got at the end of the season, or on their bikes/trikes.

If your son doesn't care enough about them to take care of them, get rid of all the broken ones (I know it's hard!) and take away whatever else he won't keep cleaned up. Give it to charity, or let him earn them back one at a time. If grandparents and such ask what to give for Christmas, zoo memberships and such are wonderful, or else toys that truly have a lot of play value.

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M.T.

answers from Raleigh on

Supernanny has a good method for dealing with this issue. Check it out in one of her books for full details.

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T.P.

answers from Nashville on

Honestly, my first thought was that you might find this child is a great builder someday. A lot of inventors/architects/physicists were people that took things apart as kids to see how they worked.

As far as what to do, can you pick everything up and sort it in a way to make new games out of the pieces? Or move what's salvagible to your daughter's room. Maybe for your son, you instead buy building toys -- legos can be scattered but not broken -- and look for things that are meant to come in pieces!

If your son likes computer games, there's a great one called Contraptions that encourages building and problem-solving. Our 9-year-old has played it for a few years and likes to make his own designs now. Good luck.

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C.R.

answers from Knoxville on

When I had an in home daycare we had some children who did not take care of the toys. We got rid of everything that was broken. I took all the games-I had doubles of some games so kept the games in the best up and put the rest on the game shelf. When the offenders wanted to play a game I gave them the one with the missing pieces. When the complaints started I replied with these are the games that you all did not take care of now that is what is left to play with. Of course they did not like to play with games broken or missing pieces.
After about a week of playing with broken games and toys they promised to take better care of them. I only let them play with one thing at a time and devised a system of if they could play with things without breaking/losing pieces for a certain length of time then they could help choose the next new toy/game. If they broke one thing then we crossed of one day, two broken things, two days. Hope this helps.

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W.M.

answers from Nashville on

I would tell him that the next thing he breaks is going in the trash. I would get a garbage bag and go through his room collecting broken things if he continues breaking them. I would hang the bag inside his closet door or on the back of his bdrm door and tell him it is there for the next thing he breaks. You can also tell him that the next thing he breaks you are going to take the money out of his bank to replace it, then once you replace it, you are going to donate it to needy children who do NOT break their toys. So he will be out of the toy AND have to pay for it. I would not buy him another thing until he proves he can take care of his things. I would start a jar of money and when he behaves you add a quarter and if he does not, you take one away. Whatever dollar amount is good for you and he. Start by taking toys out of his room and once he sees things leaving and his room getting bare, he may change his attitude toward his toys. Also, getting a bag together and making him walk in to the donation place with you and turn his toys over....maybe he will learn a valuable lesson about giving and about taking care of things b/c there are those that don't have anything.

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G.M.

answers from Nashville on

Now this will seem strict or cruel but he is old enough to know better and sometimes you have to be strict to get their attention. I have 4 boys , twins that are 8, one that is 4, and one that is 2. I throw all broken toys away and they know as soon as it gets broken it is thrown away. For your situation, I would take a garbage bag and go to his room and take all the broken toys and games and put them in the garbage and let him know as soon as any other toys are broken, they will go in the garbage. I would not buy any new toys untill he gets the point. If someone else buys him a new toy, put it up and don't let him have it. It sounds cruel and it won't be easy for you to do or to stick to but i have found it help my boys. I hope this helps.

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