Help with Child That Is Struggling in School

I agree with the thought that if he is actually doing as well as you say overall that he can't possibly need tutoring. So which is it? He's flunking and needs tutoring to get him up to class levels or he's doing fine but you are completely focused on micromanaging him as far as his school work goes?

Well since he makes the honor role I'd say this is a motivation and discipline issue.

- what are the consequences when he doesn't get good grades?
-why does he have a cell phone, video games, and social time if he's misbehaving and he is misbehaving by not getting the grades he is easily capable of.

I'm saying this as nice as I can, please STOP with all the pressure. That will not help. Your son actually sounds like a typical young teen. You need to stop with the lectures, conversations, controlling manner, all of it! You are going to do more harm than good. Believe me, been there have the t-shirt!

What did we do? We let him fail. That was our gift to him. Doesn't sound like good parenting, right? WRONG! It was the best thing we could have done. He made the decision to not do the work so he had to like with the consequences.

I also saw that when we relaxed a little with him he actually studied more. He is one of those people who doesn't like to be told what to do. I can't imagine who he got that from! Must be his father!!! =)

As for tutoring. Call the guidance counselor at school and ask. OR ask his teachers if they know of any tutors. But I must ask, why? Of course the tutoring center is going to tell you he needs all sorts of services, they want money. What does his teachers say? Those are the opinions I would be concerned more about.

FYI - my son will graduate university May 2016 with a construction management degree. He has a great internship this summer in Indiana. So, he did get his act together! He's awesome! Just like his mom!!! =)

I was a middle school teacher for 16 years. This is VERY typical of middle school kids, especially boys. OVER AND OVER, I saw these kids get to high school and thrive. High school is a whole other ball game. It is real life. It COUNTS. It is their high school graduation credits, their going to summer school to make up failed classes, their college entrance, etc. Middle school is just something you do for your parents.

Please give your son this last semester of 8th grade to have some space. You risk pushing him away feeling abandoned, rejected and misunderstood.

You said he's behind per the tutoring center - is this per his school district? I ask because not all schools are the same and it may be that the center isn't evaluating him on the same terms or he doesn't test well. You didn't describe a kid who is failing, so what is he really behind in?

You may also want to talk to his guidance counselor. I bet they have seen this before and will be able to help you determine what is true apathy and what is being 13 with a sieve for brains. When my SS was in middle school, I swear everything went in one ear and fell out the other. What you describe doesn't sound that unusual to me. It sounds like a kid whose brain is growing.

You should also determine what his level is - it is quite possible that he isn't going to be better than a C or B in some classes. My sister was not as often an A student, nor was I always an A student. There may be classes where, believe it or not, a C is his best effort. Please talk to his teachers to determine this. I struggled so hard in math and had my mother punished me for it, I would have felt even worse. For the record, my sister has 2 college degrees, so her middle school grades were no indication of what she could do.

If he's in sports, he'll need at least a minimum GPA to continue. So that's motivation to at least keep passing.

Do you ever give him input on his own schedule, grades, consequences, etc? For some kids, having a "say" or being heard is valuable to them. Really being heard. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen is a good book and there's an entire chapter on the difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline guides and teaches. Punishment doesn't. I think he needs guidance.

Remember also, he is not you. He is not you, or his father. Honestly, I feel a bit put off just reading what you wrote. Oh, heaven forbid people on the internet didn't read carefully enough. Please cut the kid some slack, IMO. Worry more about who he is than whether or not he's on Honor Roll often enough. Here's an idea - talk to him about what turns him on and tunes him in instead of the daily school lecture and see if you can't get his buy in on his education if he feels like it matters and that you care about who he is and trust him a little bit. Never once did we check edline daily or talk to teachers weekly and both my sks either graduated from or are in college. They once asked why not and we said we trusted them and we would only check if there were really big issues. Checking all the time is for whose benefit? You cannot berate him into loving school. But you can berate him out of it.

I see the problem and it's you and your husband. You guys both need to take a deep breath and about five steps back. Stop hovering over your kid, it will only push him away from you. You don't want that.

So, you already have some realistic goals for your son. You want him to maintain honor roll status and do his assigned chores. Now what you need to do is sit your son down and tell him that he is responsible for his grades and chores. If he doesn't meet goals, x, y or z will happen.

Here's what we tell our kids. If you don't make honor roll for the quarter, you lose your phone and other electronics until you are back on honor roll. When my oldest was in 8th grade, the fact that she might lose her phone and computer all summer and into her freshman year was motivation enough to bring up those grades.

With chores, we're a little looser because we slack off too. But ultimately, if I end up doing my kids chores once in awhile, I don't mind because they are just kids.

I would not do tutoring unless he was in real trouble with his grades. Your son sounds fine, and he sounds like a typical teenager.

In my opinion tutoring isn't probably your solution. Your son is a teenager. He needs less lecturing and more conversation. Less punishment and more rewards. Less restrictions and more freedom. And above everything else he needs to be motivated.

If you think managing his assignments and homework is overwhelming for you.... think of how overwhelming it is for him? Maybe that's part of the problem? By 8th grade he should be developing more autonomy to organize himself. Does he have a planner? How does he keep track of everything? "Executive functioning" is the last part of a boys brain to develop and they frequently need help in this area.

The sports are important for him and, in my opinion, shouldn't be "tied" to anything. But the cell phone, video games etc are all "carrots" to be dangled and provided only when all the other stuff is done.

But most importantly - start talking to him about the future. What does he want to be? And then help him figure out how to get there (which will probably include getting grades good enough to get into college). Ask questions and then be quiet while he answers.
I've had good conversations with my daughter (14 and a freshman) when she'll say "I want a camero" - Great - how much do they cost? what kind of job do you have to have to get one? How will you get that job? etc etc etc. It's me asking simple questions about something that she brought up - she can research on the internet and we have discussions.

It's hard... parenting teenagers. The crying, exhausted, eat/sleep/poop/spitup newborn with sleep-deprived parents is easier than parenting a teen :-)

I'm a little confused. If he is on the honor roll most of the time and in general he is getting good grades, then how is he behind in reading and math and why do you think he needs tutoring and extra work like Khan academy every night?

Something here doesn't match up. Are you sure he's really behind in reading and math, or did the tutoring center convince you of that because that is how they make money?

I would talk to his teachers first, and find out if he is really behind. If he's not behind (and I suspect he is not if he gets good grades), then maybe you need to take a step back. He might be rebelling by refusing to do things because you are putting a lot of pressure on him.

Try reading the book "How to talk so teens will listen, and how to listen so teens will talk"

ETA: Reading your SWH makes me more convinced that your child is not behind, he's rebelling. I would not spend your money on tutoring. I would spend it on a family counselor for you and your husband to teach you how to open communication lines with your son. His 'tuning you out' is a bigger problem than the occasional C+ in a class.

I suggest that as long as your son is getting passing grades he's doing fine. I suggest you are more interested in Honor Roll than he is. He's at an age when it's not only normal but helpful in becoming mature. I urge you to back off and let him learn about life.

If you can find a way to understand why he's acting this way and how to make Honor Roll important to him, he may decide to give more attention to grades. I know that the more you micromanage him, nag and insist he have the same interest in grades the further away from getting good grades or doing as you say, he'll go.

Sounds like he's smart enough to do the work but doesn't do it. He doesn't need a tutor. He needs to want to get As. The more you insist he does the more he will rebel. He's at the age in which he needs to find a way to be more independent, to break away from his parents. Perhaps, because getting As is very important to you he's not getting As.

I suggest you give him lots of approval. Tell him his grades are his responsibility and let him decide what he wants to do. He still has time to turn this around if he so chooses. If he doesn't choose to raise his GPA he will still be able to work towards his goal for the future.

My SIL got a GED and is now headed towards a degree in engineering. We all must travel our own road. Trust that you've given him a good base. Support him as he matures in his own way. Continue to have boundaries and consequences. Just be sure they are helping him become a mature young man. There really are more important issues than getting As.

After reading your SWH, it sounds like the problem isn't actually school. He's pushing back against your micromanagement, lectures and nagging. I'm not judging, I'm pointing it out. I've been that person too. It's hard when you know they can do better, but they just don't.

If you want him to change, you have to first change your parenting. You're going to have to step back from this and let him make mistakes, without getting up in his face when it happens. Try this and see how it works out:

Say he gets a bad grade on a test. When you see it, say nothing more than, "Oh.<sad pause> Is there anything I can do to help you with this?"

Then listen to and take his answer. If he's used to you going on a 30 minute rant about how he can do better and his responsibilities, he will shut down. If you walk away from it, he will be bowled over and confused by your unexpected behavior and spend time thinking about it.

As I used to tell my daughter's teachers...you can walk a horse to water, you can not make them drink it. My daughter was a mediocre student at best in middle school. She just didn't apply herself to her studies. Finally it clicked for her in high school though. I think I finally scared her enough by telling her she would go to Montgomery County Community College for the first 2 years of college if she didn't shape up. (Honestly, I wish she would go there but she has other plans😉) Fyi...My daughter is now a distinguished honor roll student taking AP classes. (I could not have imagined this in middle school)

I also decided that it is far more important to raise a good person who is kind, giving etc. (And I was succeeding in doing that) I told my daughter this while telling her I realize college is not for everyone and that this was her life and she would either be rewarded (by getting into a good college) or face the consequences of poor grades and not get into a college of her choice. We also let her know how much her monthly cell phone bill is and ask her how she thinks she could afford that with basically no skills working at the mall.

Re: tutors I found a great math tutor through the community college. She was a student there and has since graduated but you could call the math department and ask them for names of tutors) FYI...I paid her $30/hour which was a true bargain).

Why does he need a tutor if he's capable of making the honor roll? How is it that you never heard from any teacher that he is behind in Math and Reading? Is this an independent tutoring center that told you this (they who have a financial interest in finding him to be deficient) or someone from the school (in which case, why didn't the school tell you there's a problem)?

He doesn't need tutoring, unless I've missed that there's a documented communication from teachers or guidance counselors. He needs consequences. It's time to stop micromanaging someone this age. Stop nagging him to do his homework, projects and chores. Let him incur the consequences in school for uncompleted work - they will give him detention or send him to extra help. For chores, if he doesn't do them, he chooses the consequences which may mean taking away his cell phone or his video game set-up. He does not "need" a phone no matter what he says - and he will roll his eyes and say how unfair you are. But in an emergency he can call you from a school phone, right? You and I grew up without cell phones and we managed. He needs rides to things, right? The answer is "no" unless he meets his obligations, after where there are treats and privileges.

Set reasonable expectations for grades - he should not be penalized by you for a bad grade if his effort is consistent and commended by the teacher. I assume the report cards have a place for "effort" and that the grades in many classes are improved by class participation. You don't want to penalize him for a tough class but you do want to require him to make the effort.

If you have to make a list of things to do and post it somewhere prominent, fine. You should sit down with him (with his father) and give a written 'contract' of expectations and rewards/consequences. You can consider a certain amount of negotiation (unless he's entirely oppositional) and you can revisit the expectations in 4 weeks if necessary. But then you are done.

If he fails miserably, this is still middle school. Nothing horrible will happen if he fails a term in middle school - please understand that colleges will not reject him because of a bad grade at age 14! He has time to straighten up before high school. If he winds up having to go to summer school, that's on him - it's between him and the school. You will do much better if you stop the fighting and nagging, and let him sink or swim.

I wouldn't spend one time on tutoring unless and until the school tells you he is significantly behind. He may just need organizational or study skills - but there are resources (free) at the school that can address that. But you are spending money on a cell phone and a video gaming system that can be put toward other things. Let your son make smart choices by living on the other side of the situation, being in charge of himself instead of being yelled at by a stressed out mom and dad. I promise you he will be able to turn around if it's in his own best interest and if he comes to that conclusion on his own.

i suspect you know what you're going to hear and are mentally armed against it (which i get- who wants to see their kid crash and burn?)
but i'll say it anyway.
stop constantly lecturing. stop constantly reminding. stop being overwhelmed by HIS stuff.
do give up. it's okay.
you can't MAKE him care. it sounds like he does, at least sort of. but he doesn't need to be proactive about his life because you are micromanaging it already.
he's in 8th grade. he's moving into young adult years. it's time for him to be in charge of his own attitude, even though he doesn't get to be in charge of everything yet.
but if you want a self-motivated pro-active go-getter, you have to loosen the reins. and you have to be prepared for him coasting in an area or three, and experiencing the nasty shock of failure.
you can't make him want to be on the honor roll. you can't tutor him into it. you offer to help IF he wants your help. you offer to put the family finances in jeopardy to get him a tutor IF he comes to you and says he really needs the extra help. you encourage him (lightly) when appropriate, sympathize (slightly) when he struggles, and figure out how to be supportive and helpful (but not swoop in and rescue) when he falls on his face.
don't harangue your kid. it's the best surefire way to make him lose interest and motivation.
take heart, mama. he sounds like a smart, great kid who will thrive when allowed to steer his own ship. you prepare him better for adulthood by letting him stretch his wings than by trying to keep him aloft yourself.
khairete
S.

What is your ultimate aim? To get him to be a top performer, to get him to be more invested/ responsible?

Speak with his counselor and with him. Give him the tools to help him get organized, and teach him how to learn. Then back off. He can't learn to be self motivated when you've got a safety net around him.

Best,
F. B.

Just like eye color, height, sex and IQ, motivation is in-born. Please, please take a step back. From your son's point of view it may sound like you don't accept him for who he is. Encouragement is one thing, but I think you have crossed over that line to discouragement. As another poster said, been there, done that. And I regret it to this day.

Check with your school guidance counselor. They often have a list of available tutors. Many teachers tutor on the side through the summer for extra money. Many teachers who are on leave for maternity or whatever reason tutor on the side as well.

Around here, academic tutors are $50 and up per hour depending on the subject and the tutor.

Our district prefers you to use the teachers who tutor because that way, your child is being taught the same procedures they are taught in school while sometimes the tutors like Sylvan, etc teach their way. Students are graded on how their district teaches.

Your son also has to realize that his grades starting in 9th grade count towards his GPA which colleges will view. If he has any interest in college, he should know that staring in 9th grade, it is down to business with grades.

Best of luck to you.

My son is in 10th. In 7th grade, he fell behind. his grades were not where they should have been. His standard tests showed he should be at high school level but his classroom work did not. He would interrupt the history teacher---to teach the class, to correct her or add detail. He knew his stuff. BUT, the problem was not turning in his work. We are having the same issue this year. My son did not pass driver's ed classroom because he did not turn in his work so he could not take the permt test. He understands all of it but does not do it. This is a big issue and I talk to him constantly about it. My son knows his stuff-honors and AP classes. But not doing the work is a big problem.

You need to find out if your son actually needs a tutor or needs to get organized. Maybe he needs to do a little at a time so that the work does not seem monumental for him. This may be the case if he makes honor roll. Trying to get my son back on track before it is too late and he has to repeat almost everything.

I think you need to step back mom. You're in touch with his teachers on a weekly basis? REally? Do you know that most CEO's and captain of industry, most of our presidnets were not A students? Most well rounded people are C or B students. Most people who run scientific labs and write highly technical reports and search for cures for cancer were A students. Some kids are super driven as students, others as athletes, some would rather hang out with their friends and get decent grades. Every kid is different.

Instead of micro-managing why not set up expectations with highly positve encouragement ("we know you're highly capable and we look forward to seeing how to work this all out") and established consequeces for different grades. Set up a contract. A's get high level privileges, B's get some, C's get a loss of minor privileges, and Ds/Fs result in loss of significant privileges. This has to be administers without drama. He stands or falls based on how he handles his work. If he gets a C ask him to self-administer the consequence - but no yelling, whining, cajoling. If he won't do it then you need to. but again - no yelling, begging, etc.

For example, he loses celll phone rights in the evening for C grades - if he won't hand over the phone to you at 6pm then call the cell phone company and they will set it to turn off at 6 each night. Remeber though that he can still skype so you'll have to address that as well. When my now 16 yr old son got in trouble last year he lost his computer and cell phone. He was a drift for a few days, and mad at us, but he figured out other stuff to do.

As for the learning centers - of course they're going to tell you he's behind - they want you to spend thousands of dollars a year at their center. How's he doing with the state standardized tests? At our HS students are required to take labs for math or english if their test scores come in lower than a certain level. We have a college student tutor my son as needed. Ask around, go to your local library late int he afternoon on a school day - all the college tutors are there with students. They charge way less than those centers and the kids like them better.

My son was the most disorganized kid in the world until around 9th grade. All of the sudden he put his notebooks together, began keeping his assignements on his cell phone calendar, and took responsibility for his grades and school work. My son was a kid who could barely read until 4th grade - he was in all kinds of extra help. In 9th grade he asked if he should apply for the engineering, financial or IT academy at our high school and we talked about the options. Next thing I knew we got a letter in the mail congratulating us for our son's acceptance to the IT academy. He did it himself! He's now finishing 10th grade, he's earned 9 college credits this year and is set up for the next two years for computer tech inthe morning and more IT college classes along with HS english and social studies int he afternoon. He'll graduate from high school after having had a paid IT internship, certified in networking and with a more than a semseter of college credits in IT and engineering. And he didi it all himself. ALl this from a kid who needed me to put his notebook together in middle school. All I had to do was step back, ask questions, coach him, nudge him and administer some consequences along the way.

We also make him do chores around the house and do some volunteer work. He would rather be on skpye playing onling games with his friends than anything else. He'll never be an honor roll student - but he will succeed in life.

Before you go spending money, check with the school district. They may offer free after school tutoring - ours does. My GD has brought her math grade up from D to B since starting after school tutoring.

I had a very hard time motivating my GD but she finally took the time to consider what I had been telling her - if she doesn't step up to the plate and get a good education, she will probably end up like her mother living on a welfare check, never having any money for even the most basic of things and always trying to figure out how she's going to feed herself. She finally admitted to me just the other day when I was praising her for taking responsibility to check her grades on line and starting her science project before I even knew there was a project due (HUGE improvement - usually she waits until 2 day before it's due and then it's crunch time) that her motivation is that she does NOT want to be her mother; she wants to have a career. Progress!!!!!

Sounds like he could use help with study skills/habits.
Check out WyzAnt.com for tutors near you that can help in those areas..

It sounds like you are frustrated because he is not motivated to do his school work and get the kinds of grades you expect. I'm not sure that's entirely age appropriate. I wasn't super motivated in high school. I did enough to get mostly B's with the occasional A & C. In college I was fairly motivated, but B's were good enough ... until my last semester when I thought C's were great! (I was a little tired by then.)

I would back off a bit. Decide what the expectations need to be. Be consistent with any consequences. Each day ask him what he did in each class, what he has coming up (homework, tests, quizzes, projects), what he has done and has to do and talk about what he will be doing that day.

He's only in junior high, and it is still your job to make sure he's doing his work. But I wouldn't all what you've been doing micromanaging. I would call it obsessing.

It would be great if he could be self-motivated to get good grades, but not all kids are at his age. That is something that comes with time and maturity.

I work with college students, and many of them are not self-motivated. It's too bad, especially since college isn't cheep!!!! But it is true, and they will find their way. Most of them will do very well as soon as they decide to make it a priority.

I think you need to recognize that tutoring centers are beneficial to those who are struggling with learning the material - reading and math, especially. It sounds like your son isn't motivated to do the work. That's very different from struggling to understand the work. Tutoring probably isn't going to help him. It would just add to his school "workload." Might even make him less motivated to do his actual homework.

Set your expectations. Be clear about them and the consequences for not meeting them. Decide exactly what your role is going to be and be clear about that. Try that, and see how things go.