Help with Brother and Sister In-Law

I agree with Megan C. Please don't restrict your child from contact with HIS family - aunt, cousins, etc. It will make the situation more hostile, but more importantly it will truly sadden your child and punish him. I was repeately put in that situation as a child and it is terrible and has weakened my family ties to this day.

But he also needs to understand the situation so he can be prepared to confidently respond if they start badmouthing you. And he should not visit without you - that's crazy!

Hi D.,

How can you repair the relationship between your brother and sister in-law?

The goal here is to have a sense of community.

Call D.:

Ask her to tell you her point of view without you speaking at all. Write down what she says to keep you focused from responding.

1) What did you think when you realized what had happened?

2) What impact has this incident had on you and others?

3) What has been the hardest thing for you?

4) What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

When you get all the details then you all can come to a solution to build your relationship on a higher level.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

It's a tough spot, but I hope you won't take your anger at your SIL out on your son - please let them continue to have a relationship. I agree with the other posters who recommend leaving his relationship to his aunt alone. I also wouldn't think of allowing him to visit their house without you & without this being resolved. I would continue to stay on the line to monitor their conversation, but I wouldn't even try to talk to her on those calls. (You can also have your son practice his penmanship skills and have him write thank you notes once in a while, instead of a call for everything she sends. Sounds like she's sending him stuff so that he calls and she can snub you, don't give her that chance every time.)

One thing that seems mysteriously absent here is your brother. This is your SIL you are talking about here, right? I think it is time for you to have a conversation with your brother (just you and he) to discuss this situation. It sounds like it is past the time for him to step up to the plate and do some mediation to get you all on the right track, and he might need to actually rein in his wife a bit, possibly remind her that he doesn't want to be cut off from his extended family over this issue.

I think your restricting the dogs to the basement was reasonable, but I don't know how it was actually handled. If you were as blunt as you mention it in your email and if your SIL has no kids and these dogs are her "babies", you could have hurt her feelings. That doesn't justify her childish behavior, however. (Of course, this assessment is all based on a lot of IFs) Just a thought to maybe help with seeing things from her side. In the long run I hope you can all work it out.

Good luck!

Hi D.,
I'm with the other woman who said if they can't act like adults with you, they shouldn't be spending time with your impressionable 5 year old. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my child spend time with them outside of my home if they are truly that immature at all. Furthermore, how would you ever be able to plan anything if they're refusing to speak with you??? The whole thing sounds ridiculous if you ask me & you're child is getting the message loud & clear that the relationship between you & your sister-in-law is unhealthy to say the least.

WOW, thats incredibly childish behavior. She should be thankful that you allow her to bring her dogs at all, let alone allow them to stay Inside your home. So what if they cant come in the kitchen. Has she NO respect for you home or your things? They have plenty of other places they can go. She needs to stop being super childish. Try calling her or writing her a letter and just let her know that you did not mean in any way to offend her or her dogs (not that you did at all), and that you are completely confused as to why she wont talk to you anymore or visit. And let her know she and the dogs are still welcome but that you have to stand by your house rules and no dogs will be allowed in your kitchen. It stinks that you have to go the extra mile to make peace when you did nothing wrong. But some people just cannot accept any kind of rejection and always feel like they are right or whatever her problem is. But sometimes you have to make nice to get along. I dont think that you should sever her relationship w/ your son, but you might want to bring it to her attention that he is confused as to what is going on between the 2 of you. Maybe then she will be willing to make ammends. Good luck, keep us updated as to what happens.

She is being completely childish and acting like a 3 year old. That is absurd. My brother in law and sister in law breed labs. Whenever they come visit they always have at least 2 dogs with them if not more, usually it's more. At one time I had 9 dogs in my house plus my own lab. 10 big huge labs! They know where the dogs are and are not allowed and they are completely fine with it. What does your brother say??? I think you need to sit down and talk to HIM and tell him he needs to talk some sense into his wife.

Hi there!
Well, first let me start by saying that someone needs to tell your sister-in-law to get her panties out of that wad they're in and accept the fact that your window treatments are expensive and there is just cause for your limiting where they can go. The dogs wouldn't be welcome at my house, so she's lucky you're so accomodating already.

I do not agree with your husband, though. The disagreement happened between you guys and them, and doesn't involve your son. It's great that she still does all of this with your son, and very appropriate. The argument is about your relationship with your sister-in-law, not about your son's relationship with his aunt. I think interfering in that relationship would be inappropriate. It's involving your child in your stuff, where he doesn't need to be involved. I think he should be allowed to keep the bond with his aunt.

Just my two cents! Good luck with it!

We have had something similar happen to us. We went to visit family and our dog wasn't welcome in all areas of the house. We tried to find a place that could kennel our dog or someone to watch her but we couldn't find a place at the time that would be able to take her. She stayed in the basement and she was very whinney and we felt bad -- my husband in particular is very sensitive about her because he never had a dog growing up and is very excited to have one. It didn't bother me to leave the dog in the basement but it sort of hurt my husband's feelings. People are funny about things for various reasons. I can totally understand people not wanting our animal in their home -- they can scratch up floors, they sometimes scratch at door when they are left alone. They do cause some wear and tear on a home for sure. But knowing how my husband feels about the dog I would just say sometime people are not reasonable about things -- for him its the same as someone critizing our children, telling us they're too loud or messy,etc.
Sometimes someone just needs to be the bigger person -- you understand that this is something that they are just not reasonable about. Just as you perhaps would not be reasonable with someone telling you that your child is messy or smells, etc. I would simply acknowledge that you inadvertantly hurt their feelings -- which I am sure you did not intend to do. Simply explain that you do love their family and while you do not own dogs yourselves that you do love their dogs as well, etc. You simply were excitted about having something new in the house and were anxious to keep it looking nice and you hope they will understand and continue to visit you knowing how you feel.
Good luck.

D.,
I have large dogs and they are part of the family and I won't go somewhere if they aren't welcme. However with them still being able to be in the basement, I think they were overreacting and maybe you should try writing them an email. I always express myself better in writing than in person, especially where my dogs or kids are concerned. Maybe you shoud appoligize for making them think the dogs were no longer welcome, but you would like them to come visit and perhaps they could find another spot in the house to lay rather than right infront of the windows. Let them know that your 5 year old has noticed they seem distant and that it is unfair for them to take involve him in the adults misunderstanding. When you write, don't over do it, just play it off as a misunderstanding and encourage them to come and maybe bring the dogs favorite blanket with them to put somewhere else in the house. Good Luck.

Hi D.,
That all seems a little silly. Its not that you said that her dogs couldn't come over... I wouldn't restrict your child from receiving things or talking on the phone with your in-laws. They are family, for good or childish. They are your son's family regardless, and you shouldn't let their childish attitudes toward you interfer with that. I would however not allow your son to visit their house without you. They want to see your child? Then they have to see you.
Just a thought.
M.

Like the person below said, next time he gets a gift in the mail, your son should promptly "write" or draw her a wonderful, big, colorful, fantastic thank-you note and not call. That gives you the opportunity to take the high road and enclose a brief note of your own saying nothing more or less than thank you so much for being so thoughtful toward our son, he really enjoyed the gift, aren't his letters cute, etc. No mention of dogs or disputes, but no call from him either. If she calls complaining that she didn't get her thank-you phone call, you--not your son-- can in a friendly voice explain that he was so thrilled to try out his new letter-writing and be a big boy and send a note like a grown-up would. Then you can ask, "How are you?"....Don't cut her off from all contact with your son but also don't allow her to use his phone calls to her to blatantly ignore you. (By doing so, she is using him, though it sounds like she may not realize she's doing that). She definitely should not be dangling in front of an impressionable young kid the idea that he will be visiting her. If you end up saying no to that visit for any reason -- not just this dispute but bad timing, he has a cold that week, anything -- he will be crushed and you'll be the villain to him and to your brother too. It's unfair and immature of her to keep tempting him with talk of a visit. I'm not sure how to nip that in the bud if she doesn't talk directly to you, but cutting the phone calls down, or out, would help. You also could call her and ask to talk and just say, "I'm sorry if I miscommunicated, or seemed too brusque or blunt. I like having you and the dogs visit and they're very welcome in the other areas of the house. If I put that badly, I'm sorry, but I'd also like us to resume talking like family." Make that first move with sincere desire and then let her be the one to choose: Take that high road and accept or continue this pettiness. I also would bet that if she's blowing up about this one thing she may think she has other grudges against you that she's not voicing and using the dog situation as a "final straw" in her mind--could that be the case? Finally, I agree with the person below, too, who said your brother needs to get involved. You didnt' mention if he still talks to you or if he too is silent or only talks to your son. Maybe that "Gee, did I put it badly?" talk needs to be with him first. Let us know what happens.

You just need to ask her "Are you SERIOUSLY upset with me for not allowing your dog in the kitchen??" It seems like such a trivial thing to be upset about that there almost HAS to be something bigger that isn't being said. You should just be honest with her and tell her that you and your husband miss the family bond you shared and that you would like to work it out. BUT you cannot give in. If she is seriously angry about the dog not being allowed in the kitchen - she has bigger problems to deal with. While I hate to tell someone to take away a precious family relationship from their child - it doesn't seem reasonable for a 5 year old to have a relationship with adults who will not speak to his parents. That simply won't work. How can you send your child to visit someone who won't speak to you? He's too young to nurture the relationship on his own and they are obviously continuing it to throw something in your face a little. So, my advice would be to talk to them honestly and openly one time and give them a chance to let you back in their lives. If not, I think the phone calls and gifts need to stop. If they want to be so angry at you about their dog not being allowed in your house, I don't think they would be a good influence over your 5 year old. It is so silly to stop a family relationship over where a dog sleeps!

I agree with your husband, and I certainly wouldn't allow my child to communicate with people so immature and selfish.

I would call her myself and let her know that when she's ready to have an adult discussion to find a resolution and be a family again, I'll be there.

I am guessing that they don't have kids? If so, the dogs are probably their "kids". While I do not in any way think it is right what they are doing, you obviously miss them so I would suggest sending them a card with a letter (since they won't talk to you). Just explain to them that you love when they visit and the dogs are more than welcome but that a certain part of your house will no longer be a dog friendly zone. I would just be honest and make sure you let them know how welcome they are to visit and how much you miss having them around.

OMG----they need to grow up. A dog is a dog and a human is a human!! They obviously have chosen their dogs over their biological family!! I just will never understand why anyone would think it was O.K. to go into someone's house that does not have a pet, and expect to bring one in.

I love dogs too. Face it though, they slobber, the lose their hair, and they lick their butts!! I love my dog in MY house, but would never be so inconsiderate to take it to another person's house unless invited to do so.

Every dog owner needs to be more considerate. You have every right to protect the pretty things you have worked so hard for that you have decorated in your home.

The child is yours, and the house is yours. I don't even think it is wise to have your child communicate with someone who is so childish.

Time to re-talk with your brother!!! Remind him what the hurt is doig to you and your son and your future relationships.

Maybe they could have gone and stayed at a hotel near by instead of cutting you off!!! The dogs could have maybe come during visiting hours and gone to the basement, (and by the way that was nice of you to offer), and then gone back to the dog infested hotel at night.

Stay close to any other family you have. These guys are ridiculous.

It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart chat with your brother and let him know that you did not mean to offend about the curtains you were just trying to let them know what to expect when they visit. I would also let him know that the way he and his wife are behaving is not acceptable. That you love them and want a relationship but they can not use your son as a wedge like that. We had to do a similar thing with my bro. and sis. in law. It was hard but worth it in the end. I would also not let my child talk to someone on the phone who was refusing to talk to me nor would I let my child go for an unaccompanied visit to someone who would not speak to me.

Hi D.,
It really is sad when you have a family member to act so immaturely. It seems that she has no respect for you and your home. How does your brother feel about her behavior? Has he tried speaking with her about this?
My advice to you is to pray constantly for her. Then since she will not talk with you, send her a card or a letter stating how you feel. Also, have your son send her a thank you card instead of calling her. He could even make the card for her. I have found in the past that writing down your feelings about any situation seems to work better. After communication has re-established, then time will settle all. Hopefully she will come around. It is your home and your request was not wrong. The dogs still have the outside and basement.

C. B

Well, it is terrible to be in that position, because you don't want to prevent your son from having that relationship. But on the other hand, I am along with your husband, in that something needs to be done..as that relationship is teaching your son that is okay to treat family like that. I guess you don't want to stop them from sending him stuff, but maybe just end the phone calls. If they wont acknowledge you one the phone, send them a letter in the mail explaining how inappropriate you think their behavior is, and why you don't this to be displayed to your son. In the letter, explain the "rules" for this awkward situation that they are creating for everyone. If they are going to pretend you don't exist during a phone call, don't give the phone to your son anymore when they call. Tell them they can send him cards in the mail, or letters to him if that is how they choose to keep in touch. However you choose to handle it, I would definitely put an end to this ignoring you in front of your son, that is not okay. You may also want to try to touch on why they are so furious to the point of not talking to you, over the simple idea of not letting your dogs near the new window. That is somewhat rediculous.
K.

I am sorry you have to deal with such immature relatives. If they don't want to talk to you anymore simply because you asked them not to have their dogs laying up against your new window treatments then so be it! I understand you wanting them in your lives and missing them now that they are not but you cannot allow yourself to waste any more energy on it. Put that energy towards your 5 year old and have a fun day with him! As for sending him gifts, I would call (or e-mail) her and kindly ask her to stop sending them. Explain to her that if she doesn't want to be part of your lives anymore that is her decision but your family is a united front. Your son is too young to have an independent relationship with her so she will need to think about that. I would never in a million years advise someone to keep a child from seeing family but in this case she is keeping the family at a distance. I would hope that you are not going to take him to her for a visit this summer since she won't even acknowledge you or your husband. Good luck with it!

Your DH should talk to her. Having pets over is your call, not hers. She may be upset, but she can get a dog sitter or a kennel for the duration. My mom does not bring her dog to our home because it upsets our cats.

As for the communication with your child, remind SIL that promises should not be made to a child without discussing them with the parents. If all their conversations are about bribery, then limit them. While the issues are related b/c now they won't talk to you, they are also seperate. Letting the dogs in the house won't change this long-term. If it's not the dogs, it'll be something else next, and if she uses your child as a pawn, you need to put your foot down.

You can also have him simply send a Thank You note (dictate to you and have him draw or sign with your help) instead of always calling.

Your brother and sister-in-law have some serious issues. Not everyone has a pet. Having a pet is a choice you make. Just because they have a dog doesn't mean it is welcomed everywhere they go. Furthermore, if that is the way they are going to behave over a stupid pet I would tell them to buzz off and stop contacting my child.

L. S.

My suggestion to you is to not let them speak to your son until they have worked things out with you.

childless folks often do see their pets as children, but these folks are off the charts. i wouldn't want 'em around my kid if they can't behave a bit more realistically than this.
i'm with your husband.
khairete
S.

Yikes -- your sister-in-law sounds like a piece of work. Anyway -- I think you need to talk to your brother. It is crazy that this silent treatment is all over your legitimate request to keep the dog out of a certain room. I wonder if your sister-in-law has some other issues or problems. Are there any other family members who could get involved as a mediator -- perhaps your parents or an aunt of uncle could talk some sense into them. Talk to your brother and if that doesn't solve the problem then sadly I would advise for you to return their packages and stop taking their calls if they will not speak to you directly. Give it a month or so and then try to talk to your brother again.

Hi D.,
OMG, all this over a dog! i love dogs but i would not have them in my home! you are more than generious to let them be in the basement. family is important but think of what message you are sending to your son with that type of relationship. having him seeing this is telling him its ok to stop talking with mommy and daddy when you are upset. is that what you really want to teach your baby? if she can't have a relationship with you then she shouldn't have one with your baby. find a way to tell her how you feel via email or mail. let her know that all that negative energy is not something you want around your child.

D. G,
Your husband is right , but he needs to speak to them. It is his sister and they need to know that we just asked for the dogs not to go in the kitchen, they are still well in the basement, etc. Your child is special and they need to know their family but not at the risk of disrespecting you all as parents.

Your second option is to take down the treatment. I say know. It sound like the sister is a little spoiled or she may want to have child herself and for what ever reasons is upset about you all having children. It's OK but do not lose any sleep.
D. G

Well your a better person then me because I would have never let the dogs in my house to begin with.There's no reason they need to bring the dogs with them every time they visit.So if she's mad because the dogs aren't allowed in the kitchen then let her be mad.She should just be glad that you allow the dogs in your house at all.
And as for your son.It's not his fault.He loves his uncle and aunt.He's only 5 he's not going to understand why he can no longer talk to them or get gifts from them.
I wish you luck.I hope it works out for you soon.

Hello D.,

So sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time with family members.

People need to understand that pets are not children!!! You are not telling them that their kids are not longer welcome in your house, you are telling them that their pets are not longer welcome. I think that you were very generous by allowing them bringing their dogs into your house, but again, some people think that their dogs are like kids.

I had a similar situation with my mother-in-law. I did have a face-to-face conversation with her. I made it clear that I really enjoy her company, and that my decision about the dogs was only about the dogs. I like the dogs, but not in my house.

Good luck,
M.

I feel that your sister in-law is being very childish. you and your husband do need to talk to her in a mindful way.