Help with Being Intimate

After having a baby my sex drive always seems to decrease. Not only am I exhausted, but I feel touched all day and that is the last thing I want at night. Not to mention hormones! Usually by the time my baby is one it improves. I am still exhausted, but I usually enjoy it once I push myself to do it. Now that my twins are 15 months I actually WANT it on occasion. I have 5 kids.

I see you are in Co, and I know it would be a far ways to find a doctor in Utah, but I happen to know of a fabulous one in Orem Utah. There is a 3 month wait to see him and I know he sees people from Nev and Id. He specializes in Hormones and He ran over 30 different tests on me. It has taken 3 months but I am starting to feel like me again. If you would like to know how to contact him let me know.

My sex drive was nonexistent for about a year after each of my kids. When I stopped breastfeeding and started my regular cycle again. My sex drive finally came back. So I guess be patient and it will be back.

R.,

You do not have to be a sexual person in order to enjoy sex.
Sex is more than the act itself, it is an intimate moment in time for a husband and wife to connect in a way that they do not in a normal day.

It is not helpful that you have a Doctor who is so unwilling to be try and help.

Women in the 60's and 70's still enjoy sex.

You love your husband, try to go with those feelings when your husband wants to make love to you.

Sexual intercourse is more than just the act, put on some soft music, take a warm bath or shower and explore each others bodies as you have never done before and I will bet you will find a sex drive you never knew you had.

My husband has been very ill for 10 years now, and I miss that closeness we used to have. But it is impossible for him to act, so we do nothing.
We are both in our 60's. My husband thinks I am beautiful and sexy also, but cries from frustration and defeat.
Take care dear, somewhere in you in a sex drive. Just try to find it.
Good luck

Maca root at walmart in vitamins aisle its a god send second day i attacked my husband he loved it!

Your doctor gave you horrible advice, your old and tired. What!!! I think you should see another doctor, or if you are not embarrased go to your local lingere store. K they usually will have a section, depending on where you live, that you can go and they have arousing gels. Or you can go to passionsparties.com on line and and they have some stuff that is called pure satisfaction. Its also a gel that you and your husband can both use and you place it on your genitlia and it helps stimulate that area of your body. This is all natural and if you searach around that site you will find all sorts of cool stuff.
If you try this and it doesnt work then talk to another doctor they have a type of viagra for women.

I would start with a new Dr. first. I understand what you're saying I have felt the same way. My husband and I have talked a lot about this issue. It's a tremendous help when your partner knows how you're feeling. Your libido may be low for several reasons. It's possible you have a hormonal imbalance or psychologically you are overwhelmed. After I had my kids my 'role' changed and I didn't make room in my life for sex. I no longer looked at myself as a sexual being. My thought was, I'm a mom now and I don't do 'that'. It's very difficult to switch roles from mom, housekeeper, cook (etc.)to wife, friend and lover. It was gradual for myself and it takes effort. My husband is a huge help. He will call me from work inform me of how much he misses me, he will send me text messages that will get me thinking about the subject of sex and get me geared up so to speak. Most importantly, you need to start looking at yourself differently. You're a woman and you were made to have desires and urges and sex. There is nothing wrong with it and believe me your relationship does improve and so does the mood in the house. The psychological effects of sex last so much longer than the physical. Go to the bookstore and find a good book and then the two of you can also go to an adult store. Toys are a huge help to get things going for you and men really want to please in any way they can. There is no shame in a good sex life!
Good Luck

Hi R.,
First I would say to get a new DR, there are better reasons than your old and tired. I haven't slept in 9mos and I still want sex. There are things your DR can do for you, she just doesn't want too, get a second opinion.

Second, talk to your husband about this. Be as honest, even more so, with him as you are with us. He needs to know, this affects both of you and your relationship. Be open and honest. Reassure him of your love but say you just don't want sex and then maybe discuss what might put you in the mood. What can your husband do to get your desire up? I know that if my husband and I go through our day like normal, when we go to bed I'm ready to sleep, if he wants some action I'm not at all in the mood because I need some "preparation" to get in the mood. So during the day he shows me alittle more attention, gives me extra kisses especially on the neck. Then before bed he will give me a back massage and things progress from there. Maybe that's what you need too,just some prep-work to get your desire built up during the day so come bed time you're ready to go.

Think it over and seriously talk with your husband about it. I've learned that the key to solving issues within a marriage is open comunication and talk with your spouse whenever you have an issue, no matter how embarrassing it may be. Good luck with this, you can do it. (pun intended LOL!)

C. C.

Dear R.,
you need a new dr. There are lots of things you can do. Ws this your Primary dr or your Gyn? I'm an older mom too, by the way.

Try a wonderful book, called The sex-starved marriage, by Michelle Weiner-Davis. Another newer book that's well thought of (just won an award) is Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.

take care, S.

R.,

My brother is a sex therapist, he always says that sex begins in the brain. If you think that you won't get aroused, if you think that your libido is decreased or non-existent, if you just want to get through it, all those things become true. From what I have learned it is an exercise of the brain that will help in your sex drive. Do you meditate? Imagine how wonderful your husband is, think only positive thoughts about him. Imagine the love you have for him and the love you feel from him turning outward into a physical expression. Making love isn't just the act of intercourse. It's everything that encompasses your feelings and relationship. Physically expressing that love can be amazing. Have you tried taking control and surprising your husband? Gaze into his eyes, and instead of speaking, show him how much you love and want him with you. Just kiss him for a while, in different ways, with different pressures and angles. I'm not saying you should act like you want to make love, I'm saying you should change your mind-brain so that you will really want to. I wish you luck and blessings in this most wonderful thing.

I read the responses before I posted my own. I am saddened only one said switch drs! This is the age that we are supposed to be enlightened about our bodies! There are many medical reason you might have a low sex drive. I couldn't name them b/c I'm not a dr, but I know of 2 off hand. Hormones and thyroid.

Also, in addition to what a new dr might say, you could consult an herbalist. My Mom is one and helps many women who have that problem (along with men ;) )

I know you said your husband loves you and thinks your sexy, but do you? Are you comfortalbe with yourself. While it could be a medical thing, don't discount that you might need to see yourself in a better light.

Are you willing to try new things? Was there a time when sex was fun or is there something that you always wanted to do? Don't let your age stop you from anything, its just a number, only you can put a value to it.

Start where you think best and get to getting those O's! Before you know it you might even end up with a sibling for brother!

J.

R., I don't think its normal to lose your sex drive even if you are an older mom. There are things that help your hormones return to a level where you will feel desire again. I use a wild yam cream which helps me want to be intimate. My husband has a very strong sex drive which makes me crazy sometimes, but if I am in balance He is a very happy man. My husband is 51 and I am 47. The intimacy can actually get better with age. There is a website to find out if this might be for you is is www.syringa.net (I hope) Good luck luck to you.

I like sex and even with that being said I feel like at times I am going through the motions... I think women "moms" can just get that way at times. Guys "dads" want it more and so even though I am exhausted and getting with my husband is the LAST thing on my mind, I do it for us as a couple.

However the real reason I am responding to you is to get a new doctor ASAP!!! And I mean ASAP!!!
I am shocked that a woman doctor would just basically send you on your way and say you are old and tired! WTF!?
How rude and awful to say...
There are things they can do to help you with that. Many times it is just a hormone issue that needs to be worked out. I am not saying you will probably ever be swinging from chandeliers, but you can find some passion within yourself again. Please seek out a doctor that will be sensitive to how you are feeling. They are out there.
I go to "Midtown OBGYN" near St. Josephs, downtown. It is a great group of women doctors. Not sure where you are located, but perhaps try them out. If not I know there are others out there... don't give up on YOU; even if your doc does.

R.,
I was reading through another Mamasource question similar to this just a few months ago and several people said to read the book "Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment". I decided to give it a try and boy did it help and open my eyes. There are some great specific suggestions in the book to try. I did the book on CD and it was great!

R.,
I didn't read the other responses so I hope this isn't too much of a repeat of the other ladies. I think a lot of a person's sexuality comes from self confidence. I felt very gross after having my son and noticed that taking time for myself to exercise or just get my hair done helped me to feel better about myself. When I feel better about myself, it seems like I am definitely more interested in sex. Just a thought, if you are on any antidepressants like Celexa, Prozac, Zoloft, etc. (SSRI's and some others) those can completely zap some people's sex drive. Also being on birth control pills can put a damper on things too. I personally can't take any of the above for that very reason. I am sorry that your doctor told you that you are old and tired. That is so not true! I take care of patients in their 70's who are still very "active"! If this doctor wasn't helpful then maybe you should talk to an OB/GYN. They have more interest in treating female sexual problems than Family practice or Internal medicine doctors. One thing that might help is to make a point to just kiss your husband for 1 minute continuously a day. It doesn't have to be in the bedroom if you know what I mean...it can be a kiss good-bye or whatever. The point is to just really make a personal connection for that short time. Before you know it, that kiss may just start some sparks.

I thought I would add my 2 cents. My baby is 2 and I have no no no desire to even look at The Man sexually. I love him dearly, but a lot of the times I am just not feeling it. 1) get a new doctor. They are there to medically help you...and looks like it MAY be a hormone thing. Sounds like your current Doctor needs a swift kick to the head. 2)Like everything else in the world, this is worth putting a little effort into. Make a weekly date with you husband, and get to know each other again. Even if its just a quick walk around the block, as long as its JUST THE TWO of you(Without the little one). Woman need to feel special and courted. 3)Find out what makes you feel happy and sexy. Get some oils and ask for a massage, or take a bubble bath together. It's all things I have had to do to get into the groove of things

You are not alone in your feelings. I have only been married for 4 years....I have been preggo five times...with three of the times ending in an early miscarriage. Anyways, I just had my last child in July...I have NO desire to be with hubby. I am breastfeeding my child, however I am also on antidepressants too. I feel the duty to be initmate too, but I do not know when I will even get there or feel any inclinging. Oh well. I am so sorry that I cannot help...however, I just wanted to let you know that you probably are not alone. I think that there are more women out there that probably feel just the same. Oh...and I am old too...35...I think that the drive dramatically falls.

Go online or to the health food store and look up natural products for female sex drive. There are lots. Obviously if you're taking anything else or planning on getting preg again, you'll want to check on any interactions or side effects. But I know my mom has a hole natural healing book that describes what herbs do what, and there are plenty to help you. I'm surprised you're doc didnt tell you that.

Anyway, hope that helps.

I totally agree that you should find a new doc!!
Also, start an exercise routine. It will give you more energy in your daily life and help you feel good about your body, and both can help with your sex drive.

Try a night away from home with hubby. There are some fun places you can go (for example, Anniversary Inn) and reconnect. Take your time, and have fun with it. No one is going to be watching or judging and telling you what you're doing is "inappropriate" and no kids will be barging in or crying in the other room.

Good luck!

R.:
As you can see from all of the responses you are not alone! I can relate as I am an "older" mom as well of one boy and feel like I am in the same boat as you are. I just found out earlier this week that I am in perimenopause. I had bloodwork done and that is what confirmed it. So for me I think my hormones are contributing a lot to what I am going through so I would suggest that you maybe have bloodwork done to see if that might be what you are experiencing. I was in shock when I first found out and need it to sink in but soon I plan to do some research as to what the best course of action would be (get back on the pill, hormone replacement, natural remedies). If you would like more information feel free to contact me as I do think we have a lot in common with being "older" moms with boys. Hang in there! A.

Laura Berman just released a new book called Real Sex For Real Women which I highly recommend. She is a sex therapist and is very respected in her field. She is one of the best resources for all kinds of questions and has been around for many years. She addresses both emotional and physical issues.

Hi R. - so did you punch your doc in the head for calling you old and tired??? It is very possible that you have a hormone imbalance in addition to just being plain tired. Many tests for hormone imbalances can be accomplished with a mouth swab. If your medical doc isnt willing to help you with testing, you might consider a naturopath. CLINIX in Aurora is an excellent medical practice that has both MDs and naturopaths on staff.

I also encourage you to explore fun ways to be alone with your husband - they may or may not involve sex - where you can shake off the "mom" persona and be just a sexy woman with her sexy man. Be flirty. Wear something you think you look really good in. Hold hands. Try 10 second kisses. I know it sounds dumb but so much of a woman's sex drive starts in her mind so maybe try warming up thinking about what your "plans" are for later in the evening.

best of all things to you!

I understand that - that sex drive decreases after a baby being born. I think it's very normal. If you are breastfeeding, your hormonal state causes a lessened sex drive. Now that my daughter is a year old, I'm starting to feel normal again.

I had a hard time before babies...and now it is nil. That said, my belief is it is god's way of saying, you had your reproduced...now what. and that said, you will just have t find other ways. You can't count on the old ways to light your fire. You have to really find your "g" spot. You will have to find out the other parts of intamcy with your partner that you will enjoy. And in turn, that will build back the sex part. It's there, it is just different.

Hi R.
Although I have no advice I just want to let you know you are not alone and I am not by any terms "old". I just turned 32 and I have never had a sex drive. I like you do it because I have to but definitely could go without. I have had no luck either with the Drs. for advice so I again come to you empty handed with only understanding to give. With me I am more prone to potentially want it during the day. At night I am tired and want to go to bed. I have 2 kids as well. But the day is never the right time so I just go through the motions at night. Good luck and maybe we will figure something out sooner then later.

R.,

It is not just because you are an older mom. I was 29 with my first and my sex drive took a 3 year dive, which only recovered after a year on a pill that is suppose to help sex drive and then once my cycle was normal I got off the pill.....and suddenly sex feels really good again. However I don't think about it all the time or anything like in my early 20s.

How old is your son? The older he gets the easier it should get for you to take time for yourself. Sleep, exercise, and time to yourself will help too. Do something on the side you really enjoy, that may help you too! It is totally normal to be completely consumed by motherhood and the house,...and for sex to be far from a #1 priority.

R.

I think you need to get a second opinion. It could be that you are in peri-menopause and that you may benefit from hormone therapy. See another doctor and see if that helps. GL and Happy Holidays!

You should know you are most certainly not alone. I have been there for quite sometime. I have also had the same conversations with other moms. Really the only thing that helps me is when my emotional needs are being met by my husband and I have kept up my activity levels it becomes much easier. By activity I mean excercise, regularly your endorphins will kick in. Hang in there and know you are not alone.....

I was the same way for many years after my daughter was born. Around 3 years actually. I started to try and want to think about it more and the pleasure it could bring me. More or less talking myself into wanting it. I think after having children its someone normal. I also do think its part hormones and being tired and maybe a few other things mostly in our heads weather we see them at the time or not.