Help with a "The World Is Against Me" Husband

Updated on March 03, 2008
L.C. asks from Rocklin, CA
4 answers

I am married to a man that has had his fair share of difficulty in his life to put it mildly. His mother abandoned him and his brother when they were very small, and his father made VERY bad deicisions in the women he married growing up. He was abused by almost all of his parental figures, and was never really shown any love growing up. And because of all of the bad things that happened to him growing up, he has a very skewed view of the world and has a VERY pessimistic attitude towards everything. I have always been very supportive, even when he was so depressed he couldnt tell me if he was in love with me because he didnt know what it was supposed to feel like. That was a real shock to me, but I still was supportive and was there for him and we got through it eventually. But, anytime anything happens that isnt necessarily postiive, it is always "the world is against me", and to him there is always a dark cloud hanging over his head. He has a VERY hard time with parenting, and has a hard time showing affection, as it was never shown to him. I am VERY affectionate, so I've tried to rub off on him, but I can only do that for so long before it starts to rub back off on me. I have very loving parents, who disciplined the right way, and I model myself after my parents. We have a beautiful 5 year old little girl, we have a nice home, yeah, we live paycheck to paycheck, but who doesnt. My bigger problem as of right now is we were about to buy a home, we were about to make an offer, and on the same day we were going to make an offer, I found out that Im about be laid off. I have always been a "roll with the punches" type of girl. I have a very positive outlook on life, but since I've been with my husband, he has really rubbed his sour attitude off on me. I was more worried about his reaction to finding out that Im going to be laid off, than I am about losing my job. He is the type of person that absolutely OBSESSES about things. He completely freaked out, and all he could think about was the fact that now we cant buy a house. Im upset about that too, but you know what, my thoughts on it are "Hey..at least we have a roof over our heads. At least we can feed ourselves, and we're not going to die because of it". He became a melancholy, depressed mess. I made a point of being chipper and letting it roll off my back, but he was still so sullen. So I said to him that it isnt that big of a deal, maybe it just wasnt meant to be for us to buy a house. And all he could think about was how much he was going to be effected by me losing my job. I told him it'll be ok, I'll find another job, we have money saved up as our cushion. We'll make it but I need him to be supportive and I dont want him to let it effect him so much. We'll be ok, more than ok, its probably better that it happen now than down the road when we'd already have a home, and have it go into foreclosure because we cant afford it. I said I'm not going to be brought down because of it, so he shouldnt either. He wouldnt stop so I told him to suck it up. That prob sounds cold, but Im so tired of trying so hard to bring him up, and it doesnt work, it just brings me down. I have asked him to go talk to someone as he exhibits ALL the signs for chronic depression, but he had a bad experience with his ex-wife tricking him into seeing a psychiatrist. There are so many issues that we are experiencing because of his depression, and he thinks he can deal with it on his own but obviously it effects everything. He has little patience for our daughter, which is very difficult because I want to be a team when it comes to parenting, but I keep finding myself telling him to calm down and stop being so h*** o* her. He expects her to act like an adult, and I constantly have to remind him she is only 5; cut her some slack. Im not perfect, sometimes I overreact, but he overrects almost everytime his expectations of her arent met. And you know what, he isnt always like that. He had been doing really good for a while, and I loved it! It was like it was when we first got together. Its just every time we get dealt a card that keeps us from being able to buy something or anything like that, its like it brings him down for months. I am still totally in love with him, we are SO compatible sexually, and he makes me feel safe. I just need help finding a way to talk to him that will convince him to talk to someone. Sorry this is so lengthy, Im just kind of at a loss. HELP!

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D.M.

answers from Sacramento on

I feel for you. I too was in the same place as you, when I was 28 with a 4 year old son, felt and said the same things you're saying. I can say now, that I am 34, my son is now 10, and his father is still the same depressed,melancholy person. They tend to get self-absorbed. I don't want to say selfish because they really may be the type of men who are very giving, loving and nuturing, but not necessarily selfish. Hope that make sense, but they tend to be self-absorbed with what effects them. My story doesn't end so well, I had to make a difficult decision. That's not to say that your situation will fail. I made it through by focusing on my son and asking do does his father love and respect his child enough to put his child's future well being above his own? Could I afford to have my male child model after his father? Our family situation was similar to yours. I come from a very stable family background, may parents are still married after 45+ years. Him on the other hand, mother died when he was young, father a womanizer, his young sister died, the list goes on. Sometimes people can't be transformed by our love,as much as we want it. You love him than you love ourselves. I found that I had to re-evaluate my definition of compatibility. Like how are his parenting skills?, does he support me as much if not more than I support him? How well do we get along outside of the physical? Is he my rock, best friend and oasis or do I find myself seeking shelter from his rain (moods)? When I asked the tough questions, I found we really weren't compatible I just wanted us to be. If you have old-fashioned (old-school) values, like myself, you may also think that the man actually sets the tone for your marriage/relationship. Is the rocky foundation going to sustain my marriage or hold up 30-40 years from now? I mentioned earlier that my story did not have a happy ending, but let me leave you with this, I begged, cried, pleaded with him to go to counseling, talk with my father or brothers, go to church, whatever he needed/wanted he said no to all. He really only reacted when I told him after 8 years, that I couldn't take the stress and negativity anymore. I wasn't rejecting him personally such his behavior of not accepting responsibility and seeking out help. I couldn't be his parent anymore. I really meant it, it wasn't a bluff. You know the sad part is that it took that drastic move as a wake-up call for him. Now, all I get is "I miss you, I love you, I want my family back, I messed up, my head was in a fog, I was depressed, I'll go to counseling, I'll do whatever you" ALL THE THINGS YOUR CURRENTLY LONGING TO HEAR. I guess all I am saying is that maybe you can take something out of my 11 year experience and not make some of the same mistakes I made. It's truly hard to find a woman that you can actually poor your heart-out who is not going to judge you or the man you love. I also found it much beneficial to get a males perspective that I actually respected as a man. I have older brothers close to my son's father's age. I'm not advocating that for you find a man to talk to because you're vulnerable but my brother's gave me an honest and unique view-point, once I got past the embarrasment of air my laundry (I'm suppose to the reasonable, most likely to succeed one in the family :) ). I leave you with a positive note, perservere, it sounds corny but you'll have an ephiphany one day as to the next step or direction to take and if you don't resist that feeling of reality (if it's positive or negative in your view) you an your fantastic little girl will be JUST FINE :)It is refreshing to hear that you are in love with you husband despite his limitations

1 mom found this helpful
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L.T.

answers from Sacramento on

I think I kind of know how you are feeling. I think my husband is depressed too. I know he also feels "the world is against him" but he says it's his "punishment from God!" "God is against him" Anyway I believe like you, I think you were saved from financial/credit ruin, by losing your job now & not being able to get a house, it's like a blessing in disgise. Think of what could have happened if you got into the mortage and then lost your job, that cushion you have would have eventually ran out and you might be homeless! WOW!! What city are you in? My employer is hiring. I can give you the info.

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I.T.

answers from Sacramento on

Hi Laura,
I am sorry about your current situation. I agree with DeeDee, it's probably a good idea to look at it from the perspective of raising a child/family together and what your daughter is going to learn from all this. After all, what kind of advice would you give her if this was her in your situation?
I think being really upfront and honest with your mate is your best bet, and letting him know that something needs to change; maybe you can be a part of his counseling and you can go together because you may be the only strong supportive anchor in his life, but he needs to find a reson and will to help himself. You are not his ex and are not trying to trick him into anything (such as the psychiatrist he went to, probably without consent), you want to build your life together with him, and he needs to understand that. And your daughter deserves the best in her childhood, I think it's really h*** o* kids if there is so much pessimism around them, they begin to think that this is the way life works, and you don't want her to adopt these behaviors.
You deserve a happy relationship - one that goes beyond just sex and safety.
I know this involves a lot of hard decisions. I wish you the best of luck. Be strong.
I.

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A.T.

answers from Sacramento on

Hey Laura~ After reading your story it gave me so much hope, in that I have helped people in so many similar situations, and have had such a great pour of outcome. If your interested in connecting via phone and or personal email let me know! I also run a very successsful business from home, and it's not only been amazing for finacial reasons, but so many others--that have actaully helped people with depression and so much more. Let me know if you want me to give you a call--as we are really close in the same area, and or email. I'm also really excited to see that your looking for a new Job, as I stay at home everyday, do something I love, have met wonderful people, and have complete finical freedom from cooperate America! Love, A.

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