Help with 4 Year Old - Berkley,MA

Hi K.,

My son is 4.5, and yes, the 4's are tougher than the 2's (at least for us they are!). At this age they're testing their boundaries and also really checking out what others are doing. If you think your son is emulating the behavior of your nephew or is effected by his presence at daycare, I'd simply use it as a talking point. When he's not in a meltdown moment, ask him about his behavior - ask him point blank how he feels about his cousin being at daycare, ask him if this is how his cousin behaves...not leading questions by any means, just straightforward. If your nephew does have some melt downs at daycare you can ask your son how he feels about them - if he thinks that's nice or not nice to be around. Talking things through and reminding our son of what is nice and not so nice when we're outside of the moment really seems to help. And I find that discussing the behavior of others works well for us too - being careful not to criticize the child, but more for an awareness of the behavior.

Another thing that was huge for us was that my DS was on Zyrtec - which we found after some research can cause mood swings, anxiety, and depression. So, we took him off of it and he's a different kid. Still with some meltdowns and stuff, but nothing like when he was on the Zyrtec...so I thought I'd add that just in case your DS is on Zyrtec (I also found that some people react to Claritin the same way...we went back to plain old Benadryl for DS's allergies).

Best of Luck!
K.

When I get hungry, I turn into a demon. So, I understand the rage. Hunger really affects me. I think you should try keeping his sugar levels stable throughout the day. Make sure the daycare provider gives him snacks throughout the day and limits juices and other things that may spike levels and then drop off. Cheese, snack like crackers and peanut butter, chicken fingers, mac and cheese etc, a glass of milk will help. You may also want to have his glucose levels checked. Good luck.

My son did do something a little bit like this for a while. We were able to nip it in the bud by having him go to his room to "calm down". Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't a punishment, and we made this clear to him.
As soon as his temper would escalate, I would squat down so I was eye to eye with him, and I would say, "Sweetie, you're starting to get much too worked up, and you need some 'calm down time'. I want you to go to your room and relax until you calm down. When you can talk to us normally without the crying or the screaming, then you can come out. You're not being punished...I'm going to leave it up to you to decide when you're ready to come out."
This would usually instantly stop the behavior, because he usually didn't want to bother with going to his room to begin with. Occasionally, I would need to walk him to his room. It was hard at first, because he'd be crying and hysterical, and that makes you feel really guilty. Then I saw that his desire to come out and join us was stronger than his desire to throw a tantrum, so he would stop and come out within a minute or two. If the screaming or crying started up again, I would say "It looks like you haven't calmed down yet. You need to go back in your room until you've calmed down."
Basically, we just tranferred the responsibility of stopping the tantrum from our shoulders (frantically trying to please him enough to stop the crying and screaming, and just giving to much *attention* to the tantrum) to HIS shoulders. (He learned to calm himself.) It worked wonders, and within a week or so of firmly sticking to this plan, the tantrums stopped altogether (And saved our sanity to boot.) Now he has figured out how to express himself and his frustrations in much more productive ways.
Once you stop letting this be YOUR problem, and let it be HIS problem (like it should be) he'll learn to fix it on his own.

First let me say I feel for you and your son. Do not feel like a "bad mother" because it sounds like you are a great mom. I feel it is a phase your son is going through. I don't have a 4 yo but a 20 month old & one on the way. My son like any 20 month old with through tantrums from time to time & it gets frustrating & yes I have broke down & cried myself. Being a mom is not easy at all! You are only human & you are going to make mistakes and feel like a "bad mom" even when your not and you may lose it and cry or even yell at your son. But it sounds like you are handling it well but maybe not well enough because you "blew" maybe you hold in stress too often?
But I also think you should talk to his doctor about him being "hungry" maybe something medical is going on or maybe something else & it needs to be evaluated? Find out from the daycare worker how things are going with him and his cousin who is new there. But seriously sounds like you needed to vent & hear from other moms that this is normal. This is the place to come for that & also I feel it is a phase & you are a good mom. But you really do need to speak to his doctor.

Hi K.,
I feel that your son is lucky to have a Mom that is clearly so loving and attentive.
My Son is 3 1/2 and also my whole world. I understand how upsetting it can be when things are happening with your son and you don't understand it.
I am certainly no expert but I would suggest that you trust your instinct. If you feel there could be something that is upsetting him at daycare, then you should look into that. Talk to your provider, ask her if there is something causing him frustration. If there is, just your communicating those frustrations and talking thru how to handle it will probably help.
Good luck with everything! I'm sure you will get thru this!
Please feel free to email me if you anytime you would like to discuss the boys!
E.

Hi K.,
Don't feel bad, I think all moms have those moments:) Just the fact that you care enough to ask for advice and be concerned for your son goes to show that you're a great mom!
Maybe it's something that he's learning from another child at daycare. Maybe you could talk to someone from the daycare about it.
Sorry, I don't have better advice. I just wanted to respond and tell you not to be to hard on yourself:)
Good luck!

my daughter, (who just turned 5 in june) pretty much does the same thing. not to the extent of gagging herself, although she has come close. she will start crying about one thing, and then has a whole list of things to complain about. to try and stop this behavior, i just tell her that if she would like to cry, she needs to go sit on her bed with her door closed so the rest of us dont need to hear her. it works pretty good for us. if she doesnt want to go in there, than she needs to stop crying. id say that 9 times out of 10, it works. good luck!

One quick thought: for the "Hunger" thing - when he whines that he is hungry, whip out a fruit roll up and say: "If you stop whining, I will give you this. Speak normal to me, without whining. Tell me in a normal voice that you are hungry and may you have something." Carry a couple of fruit roll ups in your purse so that you will always be ready when you are out and about with him. Oh, and you could also buy Glad or Zip Lock Snack Size bags and put a few Pepperidge Farm goldfish in a couple of bags too, to take on the road, or even give to him in the house WHILE you make him a sandwich. Or raisins too in a little zip snack size baggie. That would be healthy snacks too.

1st, You Are Not A Bad Mother for your son going thru certain stages later then others or having issues..they all do..it is part of parenting. He just lulled you into the 'all is well' feeling as he was so well behaved..This is not something that is someones fault or not.

Here are a few suggestions to what could be going on:
Does he speak clearly? makes himself known what he wants? if he is a little behind on speech..he maybe frustrated and it is coming out this way now that he is with the other kids?

Or maybe kids in his day care are acting this way and so he is testing you on this new behavior?

Have you tried to talk to him to find out if something is bothering him? scaring him at school etc to see if this is how he is showing it?
Just a few suggestions..I hope you find the core of the problem and he moves on.

First of all, you are not a terrible mother and you are not a failure. We all go through something like this at various times during our kids' lives. What you are is frustrated - and understandably. Your son doesn't hate you - he is expressing himself to you - not well, but he's trying. He can't express himself fully, and you are struggling to find out what's wrong. He may be hungry, or he may be using hunger as a way to express that he needs something else that he cannot articulate. We all know about comfort foods and comfort eating - he may be doing the same thing.

When you have a bad day at work, don't you hold it in, bite your tongue, and then unload it on your husband? That doesn't mean you hate your husband - you just save your frustration for a "safe" place in which to vent it. It may very well be that your son is doing the same thing.

I would talk to the daycare person to see if there's any conflict with your nephew or anything else in the daycare situation. Approach it as the 2 of you being a team with your son's best interests at heart, not like you are challenging her.

But it could also be a phase. Try to help give your son the vocabulary he needs - since you and your husband are calm talkers, this will be second nature to you, once you stop blaming yourself. (Believe me, it's great practice for when you have a teenager and he hates everything including you!! LOL) "I can tell you are frustrated." "I can see you are not happy right now." "It's no fun when you have a bad day." Try holding him or rubbing his back, not just feeding him. Try to find something that will calm him. Maybe some of the other moms can suggest books that help with communicating with a toddler. But first off, stop blaming yourself! You sound like a caring and loving mom!

Oh K.,

You are not a bad Mom,and it's probably nothing you are doing or not doing that is causing your son to melt down. It's OK to cry if it makes you feel better.

Four tends to be a very hard age- everyone always thinks it's the twos that are hard, but they are wrong. In my experience,four is a much more difficult age.

I suspect your son may be going through a growth spurt, or experiencing a period of dis-equilibrium-which is a big word that means he's about to make some big leap in his physical and mental growth. All kids go through these phases throughout childhood,and it's not usually anything to worry about. It passes in time. I know it's not easy, but you're not alone,and your child is normal.

Keep listening to him, feed him nutritious foods every couple of hours, and make sure he gets outside everyday and gets a lot of physical exercise.

Temper tantrums and screaming can actually help your son to blow off steam and reduce his frustration, if you allow him the space to go all the way through the tantrum to the end. Just make sure he's in a safe place, and stay near by, but don't talk too much, or try to comfort him until he comes to the end. Then you can offer hugs, and talk about what happened.

I also recommend you check out the book Your Four Year Old: Wild and Wonderful by Louise Bates Ames. And take a look at my blog at www.regardingbaby.org as well. I am in the middle of writing a series of entries to help parents of toddlers who are experiencing difficulty with temper tantrums. The same principles and tips can be applied to four year olds, since they are based on respecting, understanding,and communicating with your child.

Wishing you all the Best. L. S.

Hi K. -

Around the same age my oldest son Matthew started acting the same way as your son is. Major meltdowns over small things, and when he is hungry it is worse. I don't really have any advice, because my son is now 6 1/2 and it's only gotten worse. I've spoken to the pediatrician who just shrugs it off, but other people have suggested getting his blood sugar checked which I have not done. My son doesn't have any problems at school thankfully, just at home. I hope you can find something that works for you and your son, and I can understand how emotionally draining having your child act this way can be. Good Luck! Let me know if you find anything that works!

My 3 year old daughter has also recently started screaming when she is upset or frustrated or when things just aren't going her way. What we usually do, which has been working pretty well, is to get down on her level and say something like "Nonny -- you know that screaming doesn't get you what you want. Take a deep breath and tell me in words what you want. I don't understand you when you're screaming like that." Sometimes she calms down immediately, usually when she's just trying to get her own way, sometimes, when she's really upset about something, it takes a bit longer, but she always does eventually calm down and talk to us. Then we deal with whatever issue it is, helping her to develop the needed vocabulary and/or problem solving or conflict resolution skills needed.

I highly recommend the How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish -- it really is my childrearing bible.

I teach preschool and went through something that sounds very similar with one of my 4 year old students. It turned out she has diabetes which was why she was so hungry and got very cranky when her sugar was high or low.