HELP What to Do About Neighborhood Parent Fights

You need to determine what you would like in a friendship with the mothers. If you want all three of you to be friends, then have them over to your house over coffee and calmly discuss this. If it doesn't work out then you have done your part and can move on. If you want to only be friends with only one of them, then do that and stay neutral. Life is way too short for that aggrevation.

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Whew! This sounds exhausting. Boy, probably the best (maybe even ONLY) thing for you to do is to set up your life how YOU want it, invite over the kids and adults that you want to, and not the others.

I suggest you CHANGE THE SUBJECT whenever this nonsense is brought up. (e.g. - "Say, is that a new haircut?" "What was the last/best book you read?" "Do you speak Chinese?" Anything at all....) You simply cannot win by getting in the middle.

I think of Nemo and his friend, Dori, who's sage wisdom keeps me sane in sticky situations... "just keep swimming.."

Take care.. K.

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Just give it sometime to settle down. Everyone will get glad in the same pants they got mad.

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It is really hard when parents get involved in their childrens fight. We in our neighborhood have decided unless someone is truly in harms way or seriously been hurt. Or the other child deliberately hit someone to cause damage(think you get the idea) Then we as parents stay out of it. We listen to our childrens side of the story (which is really all they want us to do) and then move on. If parents get involved then this is what happens. As adults we can no let go, forget or forgive like a child can. In most cases kids forgive and forget in a day and they are friends again. What we have seen in the past is when a childs parent gets involved in little tiffs like this then that child(that got the parent involved) gets more and more alienated because no one wants to play with someone that is always getting there mom after them etc. And then you have hard feeling amongst the parents. So my advice is for you to stay out of it and let the other two work it out themselves. But from past experience when you have a neighborhood like your that everyone plays together you can not stop someone from playing with another child. The kids really do not care what was done to them a day ago etc. The parent is just not leting go of there anger and in the end this will hurt the child more. Parents need to stay out of it so the kids can work it out on there own. Like I said the next day and sometime even hours later they are best friends again and everything is forgotten. But when parents muck it up and make it a big deal is when things get out of control. It has worked great in our neighborhood and believe me we have normal kids spats all the time and I listen when my kids are mad about something but believe me it is over and things are back to normal before you know it. Kids will be kids.

Hope this helps in some way.

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Good morning, S.! Yes, been there, done that. This kind of situation gets completely out of hand when the mothers start acting like they are the girls' ages, not their true ages. The best way to handle this is to stay out of the fracas. You don't say how much kids "Betty" and "Helen" have or how old they are, so it's hard to assess the stress and maturity levels. Sometimes that doesn't even matter; mothers can be totally different people when they think someone is messing with their kids! The bottom line is: Don't let their problems become your problem. Be a full-grown woman and let them know you are above the pettiness. Keep an eye on your little girl by being outside with her and maybe walking by her while she rides her bike. Greet other children pleasantly so you're setting a good example for your daughter. Sounds a little extreme, maybe, but it's for your own peace of mind. It's akin to what happens in an office when people get too personal with each other - all the professionalism flies out the window and the back-biting and gossip starts because the are just too chummy with one another. Real friends care for each other's kids like they were their own. There's none of that drama. Good luck with everything. I know it's a trying time, but just keep your little girl safe and don't worry about what the other mothers are doing. Remember, you can't take care of anyone else unless you're taking care of yourself. Have a beautiful day!

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do your best to politely avoid Helen...don't answer the phone, keep away, always be smiling. If she questions you about it, pretend you don't know what she's talking about. You're just very busy.
Helen will get over it with time and if she doesn't, it's no big loss.

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I agree with you...Stay out of it, the best you can. And remind both Parents that you ARE staying out of it....keep saying it if you have to.! If Betty is the better friend, don't do anything that might jepordize your friendship, but don;t talk about Helen behind her back either. Tell the kids (that come to your house) that even though the moms have disagreements (if they ask) that it has nothing to do with them and you really enjoy having them over. Tell your kids the same. That it has nothing to do with them and and you like when they have those friends over. Whatever you do, make sure to keep the kids out of it...it wouldn't be fair to them.

Good luck!!!

Oh, and the "Flipped", "Flicked" comment, I believe is up for debate....I have heard both used.

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Wow! You lost me! Sounds like you should just stand back and let it blow over...too much drama!

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You know what, stay out. Let them battle it out. Don't take sides. That's life, and there's worse problems, this is just an annoyance. I'd state clearly to both that you will not talk about, take phone calls about it, or deal with it.It' s not your problem. I really wouldn't talk about it, and I'd say say, too. Good luck.

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What is Helen in... 6th grade? This drama is expected with young girls, even teenagers, but as mothers we have to show the right way to handle situations that come up. You have done that, Betty sounds like she has done that, Helen is a drama queen who wants the attention rather then the end to it, she also is living her childhood through her daughter. If Helen tells you that her daughter cannot play over at your house, don't play her game, just say sadly "oh I am sorry you feel that way, my daughter really enjoys playing with your daughter" and it leaves her with two choices... one, she can let her daughter come over and put this behind or two, she can keep her daughter home and try to explain it to her daughter why she is the one left out of the fun. What it teaches Helen is that she needs to think through her threats and controlling ways so it doesn't come back and bite her in the rear end.

I have never been one to give in to the black mail, choose my side or I won't be freinds with you, type of behavior. Real friends don't do that to each other. If Helen stops talking to you, it is her loss and your life will be much less dramatic... but I would keep inviting her to coffee and if she brings up the situation wanting you to take her lead, just smile and say "that is so in the past" and change the subject, don't give into it.

You are smart to know that children aren't perfect and your daughter could very well have done that, you took care of it and showed her that was wrong. It will make her a much better person then those who's mothers never think their children are in the wrong. I remember when my daughter was in the 6th grade and got into a fight with her best friend. I told her I would take them to the movie and they could work things out. She rode her bike over and everyone had a great time... but I also noticed that the bike stayed here for days afterwards. When I noticed it was gone I mentioned to the friends mom that she must have came and got the bike, her mom said "I don't think so" and asked her daughter. I thought someone stole it out of our yard and was ready to call the police when my daughter said "oh, I think I saw a bike like hers at the school" I asked my daughter if she took the bike there and left it there and she looked at me trying real hard to lie saying no she didn't know how it got there. I told her that she was to go to the school and get the bike, deliver it to the owner and if it is gone, she will give the girl her brand new bike! Luckly we are in a small town and the bike was there and she delivered it and she learned a big lesson on how not to behave. She was also grounded for quite a while. That is our job as parents, to teach our children how to behave and how not to behave, Helen needs to learn that by the sounds of it.

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These people sound too dramatic and complicated. Do you really want or need their influence in your children's lives? I say find new friends and move on.

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It sounds like the kids are acting like their mother's with the "he said/she said" stories. I agree with your decision to not get involved. I would continue to invite Helen's kids over. Maybe she could come over when Betty's kids aren't there. If that's to much trouble, I would continue to tell Helen that she and Betty are your friends and you won't get involved in their tiff. Explain to Helen that she is stressing you out and you refuse to talk about it anymore. If she can't let it go, you may have to let her go. If Helen wants to be stubborn and alienate her child that's her choice. Evenually Helen will probabably get lonely and come around.

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S.,

I think Nicole had great advice about having them both over for a nice lunch. (if you want to be friends) otherwise I would just go on with life. Even adults will cause trouble when they feel left out and believe me when I say there are lots of adults who still don't know how to make friends. Maybe Helen is just looking for a way to get into your friendship with Betty and she is using her kids's little problem to get connected. She might not realize there are better ways. If you don't want to make a friendship then let it go. What I do with people I'm not totally crazy about is. Be nice, polite, and smile, but I don't go out of my way. I would let the kids know that they are welcome to come and play at your house anytime. If your kids ask to go over to the neighbors just tell them that you'd rather they play here (at home) and leave it at that. If the other parents won't let them come... Well then there is nothing you can do about it, but your kids will be better off. Get involved in community activities and you will all make more friends. One thing I have learned is you will not ever get the He said/ She said to stop and you can only parent your own. So if they can't keep their manners in check when they are riding bike, they don't ride bike. I would just tell my kids that if they can't get along when your not around, then they will have to stay home because you don't have the energy to settle their battles. I always get both sides of the story before I hand out disapline or make decisions. Maybe if it occures again and the neighbor kid runs home to tell. When you get the dreaded phone call, why don't you ask both the child and mom to come over so both sides can be told. Then if you can't figure out who is telling the truth, I would "suggest" they both get a disapline, (however you can really only parent your own), so it will be up to Helen/Betty to find the disapline that works for their child. If Helen/Betty try to defend, argue etc... I would smile and say well Helen/Betty I'm sorry and I know its a bummer when our kids fight, but I'm not going to get in the middle of their problem. If the kids can't get along they will have to take a break from each other.

Good Luck!
K.

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Your kids need to find new playmates, plain and simple.

I would not let them over at Betty's or Helen's house anymore, and I would not let Betty's or Helen's kids over at your house.

This type of drama will continue if you let it.

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I actually got lost trying to follow your email because it all seemed so petty any annoying. Sounds like a differnt value system. Things have a way of working themselves out the way they should be. I'd leave them all alone which is probably for the best.

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FYI....It is "Flipped" off. Not "Flicked" off if you are referring to "the bird".