Help, Seeking How to Deal with Father Wanting to Take Away Pacifier....

Hi T. -

Congrats on your pregnancy. Hope you're feeling well.

My mother was taking care of my two little ones when she broke them of their pacificier habits at one-years old. She also weened them from the bottle at the same time. I thought that two MAJOR changes to their routines would definitely mess them up, but nothing like that happened. To be honest, it was a week of pure Hell for the adults in the house because my mother would not relent even with the highest-pitched screams. After one particularly bad night when I insisted she just relent until my daughter went to sleep, my mother challenged me with, "Who's the pacifier really for anyway? You or Bella?" She went onto say that allowing my kids to be dependent, even at a young age, on any particular thing just to keep the temporary peace would come back to haunt me when they become teenagers and absolutely "NEED" things that they really don't. My mother is a wise woman, so I complied and I'm glad I did. One week of aggravation back then basically translates into independent kids for me now. As long as I keep their cuppies filled with milk, water, or juice and their snack bowls filled with fruits and veggies in the fridge, my kids have no problems getting their own stuff, which helps me save some time now that I'm almost due with my third child.

As far as potty training boys, I agree with many mothers who've responded...boys tend to take much longer at potty training than girls. Not sure why, but it seems to be the case. My son was fully potty-trained during daylight hours at age three...by 3 1/2, he was no longer wetting his bed. It was hard for everyone involved, but mostly harder for the adults I think because we had to be patient and understanding as he learned the process of "going" on his own. My son still has issues wiping himself after doing #2...he comically reasons that his arms are too short. I hear from mothers who have older sons that they'll have problems with that way into manhood...haha. That's just the male gender for you, I guess. :) My daughter, on the other hand, thanks again to my mother, was going to the potty on her own at 18 months and she's very good at wiping herself because she likes to feel clean.

I always say that when considering methods of raising children, consider first and foremost that everything we do is for the purpose of them growing into healthy, independent adults. When you look at it that way, some of the harder things we impose on them are really just investments in their future. Blessings to you and yours.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello,
I think that taking it away now is a good thing. When my youngest was born back in April my son, 2 1/2 was still on the bottle, which is kind of the same. When I was in the hospital, my mother in law took away the bottle. When we came home, I was upset b/c I thought he "needed" it. He could of cared less. I wish I would of done it sooner! I think it will be tough the first few days, then he will be fine! My mother in law told him it was for all the new babies that were born, like his new sister! Hope this helps! M.

T.,

The only thing I could say is to sit down with your husband and explain your fear of having two children in diapers and if he still has his pacifier he will less likely revert back to infancy when the new baby is born. But on that same page I may have a clever way to take away the pacifier and still have a potty trained little boy. Take all of his pacifiers and put them away (just in case it doesn't work you won't have to go out and buy more) and take one and cut off the nipple part. Then give it back to your son. If it works he will eventually get tired of not getting anything out of the pacifier and just throw it away himself. While this is happening keep telling how big boys go potty in the big boy potty and that only babies go in diapers. Talk to him when it comes to things like that as if he is a tiny adult, that is basically what he is. The more you encourage him the more he will not have to have the pacifier and still be out of diapers. Also when the baby is born make sure that he is envolved as much as possible and that way you can bypass the reverting all together. I hope that this works and good luck.
N.

T.,
My son is 19 months almost 20:) I wanted so bad to take his pacifer away oh he loved it soooo much. I was worried that his speach was not going so well even though I sign to my children. So one day I just took it away and he looked up my stairway and screamed for it ALL DAY!! It broke my heart so I gave in. So I just took it day by day, when he woke up I told him to "throw it down" and I will get you out.....sure he cried the first few days but then he knew at bed time he would get it back so to my point, you never know if it's time to get rid of the pacifer, bottle, blanket, ect.....but I would not recommend just doing it "cold turkey" try taking something away that you love in one second and see how us adults would act. Take baby steps keep it where he sleeps but let him know it's there. My son is doing extremely well and it actually suprised me, it took only one full week but I know in my heart it's his comfort and I wouldn't take that away for a million dollars. I wish you well and hope you and your hubby come to a common ground with this issue:)
J. S

T. first of all, don't get upset. Men do things that make us shake our head. I gree with you, one thing at the time. Your son will be dealing a lot in a few months, being potty trained, baby on the way. Finish the potty training first, have the baby and then start working on the pacifier. s for the hubby, there's no reasoning with them, so just tell him you're pregnant and hormonal and his decision is bothering you a lot. Ask him to step away from pacifier for the time being. When he asks why, tell him you're about to lose your mind :)
no really, i have learned the only way I get my husband to listen to my way is tell him i am 'depressed,' or 'i can't deal with this right now,' funny i know but it's working
good luck
V.

well, i think that your son should have been off the pacifier a long time ago, but once you take it away, i don't think that he will go back to needing diapers anymore. once is is processed in his head to potty before pee-pee, then he should be fine. especially now that you are expecting another baby. just explain to him that "mommie is about to have a baby and she really needs your help. it would be very appreciated if you could be a big boy so you can show your new baby brother or sister how to be a big kid." once you keep him on the potty track, he should be just fine.

I would agree with your husband, I'd take the pacifier away now. You could have problems taking it away at three as well, I think it's better to take it away now then to let him use it another year. My husband and I had agreed to take the pacifier away from our daughter at age 2. At around 19 months I got so sick of seeing that hunk of plastic in her mouth that I pulled it. I made her go cold turkey to stop. And you know what? Nothing happened. I thought she would have a hard time with it but that didn't happen. A couple of days went by and she never even looked for it anymore, now it's a faded memory.

As for the potty training - most boys take a little longer to potty train statistically. I think you should concentrate on the pacifier and the diapers.

Good luck.

T.,

We slowly weened our son off his, he is now 2 1/2 and by the time he was 2 it was gone. I was also pregnant at the time, so we told him he had to give them up for the baby. I was afraid of waiting until the baby was born, as there are enough hard feeling about the amount of time, etc. you spend with the older child at that point and making them give their beloved "passy" to the baby that invaded their space wouldn't be fair.

We had gotten our son to the point he only needed the pacifier at nap and bedtime. When we decided to break the habit, we still let him have the passy, we just cut the tip off. This prevents them from getting the suction they are used to, within 48 hours he had no interest in it any longer.

Good luck!

You really are in a dilema huh? I have three children, they are now 3,4, and 5. Personally- I always took away the pacifier when they were 1 year old. This way- They really didn't remember it after about a day or so. I knew if I would have waited, it would just be harder to do. Really- The sooner you can take the paci away- the better for your child (and his teeth). I know that potty training is important as well, but I think that he will still potty train- just keep it fun for him and reward him. My second son loved stickers. We didn't get either of the boys potty trained fully- until their third birthday. Then it was cake after that. You just have to be patient- Remember the longer you let him have the paci- the harder it will be to take it away- also- If you wait- he'll end up taking the new baby's paci and you'll have another set of problems. Try to teach him asap that paci's are for baby's and he is a big boy now. Hopefully this helps...

Hi T... I Had the same problem with my hubby. He didn't understand... If anything try explaining that when the baby comes he is going to regress so by having his passy he may not regress as drastic.. My son had his passy till he was 3.5 years old. I was one of those moms who said I would never let them have them when they were not a baby. WEll my daughter came and he regressed and would not Let go of it. He got rid of it when he was ready... And my 4 year old was 2 when she decided she didn't want it. Like everything with her she decided when she was ready!! Why not try to compromise and say you will take it away when he isn't using it. Like if he sits it down somewhere .. Just put it away till he asks for it. It may help the transition as well!!

Hope I helped a little...

G.
mommy to
Ashlie 10
Marcus 7
Lilly 4
And
Kamryn 2

Hi T. mt name is S. my son just turned three and my husband and i decided on taking the pacifier away at three as well. However when he was 2 1/2 his fav passy broke and i told him that he had to be a big boy and throw it away he cried but he did it he was potting training at that time for my son (we all know each child is diffrent) it did not delay his potty training i think becuase we did not take the passy he had to do so my advice for what it is worth is let him tell u he is ready to get rid of the of the passy! I also think if he still has it by the age of three then take from him u could tell he is a big boy and dose not need it any more. We told are son (before he tossed his ) that the passy fairy is going to come when he is three to get it and she would leave a big boy toy. Well good luck i hope i help tell ur husband to just relax and let life take its path

S. r

My daughter didn't give up her pacifer until she was 3. She also potty trained at that time and she did ok. But each child is different. We tried to take it before she was 3 and it really was horrible. I say give it a little more time try slowly weaning her from it. Like only let him have it at nap time and bedtime. Try giving him something else like a lovey. For example a favorite blanket or toy. They will eventually quit carrying these around as well because they won't want the other kids making fun of them. Espically with boys they really don't want others judging them.

I wouldn't let it go much past 3. It's really tough seeing a 4 year old with a pacifer. Hope this helps.

It's a NEED - some children have a stronger sucking need than others - and he's going through a lot right now with the changes of you being pregnant. Now is NOT the time to push Potty Training (as he may revert after the baby is born anyway) or to take away something that is very comforting to him.

Dentists say that pacifiers won't do any damage until after 4 years of age - so there's really no need to take it from him. He needs that extra security right now, especially with a baby on the way.

I have a very strong willed husband, so I will approach this as if you have a very strong willed husband. Try to understand where he is coming from and address it. For example, if he feels his son will become co-dependent because of a pacifier, empathize with him. I'm sure you don't want your son to be co-dependent either, and that is why you are teaching him how to discipline himself at a young age by potty training him when he is physically ready. However, sucking a pacifier is not being co-dependent. Your son may need that extra comfort as he is still maturing and there is nothing wrong with that. Using the pacifier is not going to hurt his development at this age, where you are right that taking it away has already shown that is does hurt his development. So express that to your husband in a respectful way. Respectful of his opinion, and honest about yours. Be direct, and don't be afraid if he critizises your opinion. Ask him to give your son time, and to be more nurturing. No one deals with change well. If you are going to force change upon your son before he forfeits the pacifier, then you should take it slow. Start in the day time by replacing it with something else, like homemade popsicles (this way you know exactly what goes in them - and you can have your son help you make them and you can praise him for his assistance). Make sure you are verbal with your son about what you are doing. Tell him instead of sucking on his "whatever he calls it" you are both going to suck on one of your yummy popsicles. Then try doing sing alongs together - he can't sing if he's sucking on a pacifier. Play games together. The trick is to show him that there are all sorts of things he can do with out his pacifier that are rewarding. He can't always do these things with a pacifier in his mouth. Well, those are just some ideas if you want to take it slow. Either way, it's up to you. Whatever you decide, if he screams make sure you redirect him. Teach him how to ask for his pacifier appropriately "may I please have my...", "please don't take it", and inform him that he cannot scream and shout. He sounds like a wonderful boy and I hope things work out.

Next to paooty training taking my sons pacifier was the hardest thing to do. HE loved it so much and took it everywhere. If your husband is just bent on getting rid of it then do it as a slow process not just some quick throw it away and your done.
What we did was we took it out of his mouth when he was trying to talk to us. Then once it was out we put it away. Next we only let him have it only in the car and bed time. Then we took it out of the car and only did it at bed time. Then we got rid of it at nap time and finally we conviently forgot it somewhere so he couldnt have at bed time.
Tell yout husband that kids give things up at their own pace and that if to much changes to fast will be more of a headache later. Lots of kids dont give up the pacifier till around 3 and the denist have not found any real proof that it hurts their teeth or their speech . We finally got rid of our soms at 3 1'2 and he talks like you would not believe, better and more than most his class. Tell him there ios no rush to just let it happen, because it will. Good Luck hope this helps.

J.

Try cutting the tip off of the pacifer. We did this when my son was 2 1/2 and it worked wonders. He just had no inerest in them anymore. Any we found we cut the tip off as well and if he found them he would bring it to us and show us it was broken then off to the trash it went. Good luck

T.,

I agree with Jennifer. I think you should break the pacifier before the new baby arrives. I worry that he will feel its the baby's fault that you took it away. I also feel that he will handle both potty training and breaking of the pacifier rather well. If he does backtrack with the potty training, once he forgets about the pacifier, he will be right back on track with the training. Dont let yourself get upset with your husband, he is only trying to do right with your little guy. Good luck with everything!

Amanda

T.,

Tell your husband he has a choice:
Relax and let nature take its course and help you maintain your sanity. You don't need ANY extra stress - it's not good for your boy or the baby-to-be.
-OR-
Take the pacifier away now and HUBBY gets to change ALL of the diapers!

Your little boy is probably going to revert to diapers for a while when the new baby comes anyway - (even without the unnecessary pacifier battle!)

Does hubby smoke? (Hope not, but if he does, tell him he'll have to give up "his pacifier", too!)

I am the mother of 5 children and almost 5 grandchildren. I am also a PP Doula....My now 20 year old was addicted to the pacifier and we had a three story house at the time....We started only letting her have it at bed time or nap time... we put it in a dish up in her room. yes, there were times she would go up and take a few sucks but put it right back and after awhile not at all...I think the point is to let the child ween himself with guidelines like as such... I too believe in one thing at a time their little brains can only handle that.. hope this helped...

I'm with Jessica M! I actually learned that trick from our pediatrician. My daughter was totally hooked on her "paco", and we were afraid she would never fall asleep without one. Of course, the paco would always fall out of her mouth as soon as she would fall asleep. So, after a few days of preparing her (by wondering out loud to her how in the world her pacos had lasted so long, noting that they generally get worn out by now), we started sneaking in at night and snipping the ends off. One by one--just an itty bitty hole, that's all they need to no longer be satisfying--they all "broke", with us shaking our heads in the morning and saying, "Oh, well, it was bound to happen sometime." And after each one, it was the child herself who asked if we could put the paco in the garbage. The very last one took a bit of courage, but everything happened as before, and she never once complained about it afterwards!

I wasn't actually going to comment on the timing, only the trick; but now that I think of it, you probably do want to get this over with sometime before your son is old enough to think of buying another pacifier at the store! Good luck with potty training! It will happen by kindergarten, one way or another!

I lucked into a great way to end the pacifier! With my first son it was a tough battle, but with my second it was easy. We had been to my sisters, who lives 2 hours from me, and he left his pacifier in my nephews room while he'd been playing. We left to come back home and he soon discovered he did not have his "passy", at this time he had just turned 2. I told him he left it at his Aunt Laurie's and he would just have to do without until we visited again. He did ask for it several times that first week but I would tell him again that HE left it and we would get it when we went back to visit (make sure you get rid of any extras). By the time we went back to my sisters he had forgotten all about it and has never asked for it since, even at her house. Again, stroke of luck but if you could "forget" it somewhere it might be easier on him than actually trying to take it away.
I tried the "pacifiers need to go to baby" with my first son who was 23 mo when my second was born and he was not concerned that this new attention stealer needed HIS pacifier! He would constantly steal the baby's every time he was in reach of him. He's five now and I just had my 3rd boy and believe it or not he still will get the pacifier and suck on it!!!! He never asks or needs it but he still has the urge to do it!
However you do it Good luck and congrats on your future addition!

T.,
I also have a 2 year old that still takes a pacifier and i'm 14 weeks pregnant. My husband was dead set on taking the pacifier away when our son's 2nd birthday came along. I told him i'm the one that is home all day and i'm the one that puts the child to bed at night and i'm not taking it away. We ended up agreeing to wait until the new baby is born in March and he will 2 1/2 by then and we'll tell him he needs to give them to the baby. That way he will feel like he is doing something special to help with the new baby. I asked my pedi about it and that was his recomendation and i also talked to a friend that has 2 children about 2 1/2 years apart as to how she got her oldest to get rid of it. Another friend had her daughter collect them all and take them to a friends baby shower and give them as a gift for the new baby. The mom of course told the friend what was going on before they got there, but after that day her little girl never asked for it again. She felt like such a big girl by giving them to the baby. Hope this helps!

E. J

I think you need to give your son a little credit - there is nothing wrong with having a couple of big expectations (using the potty and giving up a binky) from a two year old. Two year olds are SMART. When you take *something* away, and the child regresses/shows negative behaviors - then gets his *something* given back for whatever reason - all it does is reinforce the child's negative behaviors.

You are seriously risking his dental well-being and putting stress on your marriage over a silly little piece of plastic. I guess I don't see why it's really worth fighting to keep it in his mouth. After a week, he's not going to remember he needed it.

I think someone else posted it - try cutting the tip of the pacifier off. Just an ity-bity piece that he barely notices. And every 2 days, cut a little more off until eventually it's nothing but a nub. This way, your son decides on his own that he doesn't want it anymore, the weaning isn't abrupt enough to regress him in other areas... and at the same time, your DH will be happy too.

Good Luck!