Help!!! School Mornings Are Stressful!!

Hi,
I too have a daughter who "dislikes" going to school. She is 8 and in second grade. Kindergarten was the hardest year. A teacher would actually have to assist me to drop her off. And when I got outside I would ball bacause I felt so bad making her go to school. She also did it a bit in Pre-k. First grade was better and this year hasn't been too bad. I know it is seperation anxiety and it doesn't help that her 3 year old sister is at home with me. Stay firm don't get mad or too emotional about it. It will get better. A physcholigist might be helpful. MY daughter has seen a couple but didn't find a good match with the two we have tried. But it usually ends up being just a bump in the schoolyear. I too worry that my youngest will end up not wanting to go to school next year because of the example her older sister has shown her. Good luck and stay positive : )

Sounds like she has anxiety. Request to the school system to have her tested. And try a therepist for children with anxiety.

Create a schedule so she focuses on that rather than "going to school" . We have "messy Mondays" where they paint so we wear messy clothes.(you could paint a t-shirt with her to wear) Gym Tuesdays so shoes are sneakers. Wednesdays she can wear tights and a dress and her choice of shoes (we do sparkly dress-ups). Whatever she's interested in, integrate into the school day. Send a special snack each day. It helps knowing the day of the week and what to expect that day routinely. Maybe the teacher can help with that. Good luck.

It is called separation anxiety and children who are usually home with their parent all day, i.e., stay at home mothers, suffer from this problem. Sometimes, it is best, if you are a stay at home mom, to integrate your child into a part-time nursery/daycare program so they can get used to going to school on a 'regular' basis. It works out best for the child in the long run, they make friends their own age, they get to see others in authority, etc.

I have a child in Second,first and a toddler at home. My older kids would never react as extreme as your daughter but they did have the desire to stay at home with me and their little sister. I notice it more when they have to stay home for a few days becuase of an illness and they get "pampered" so when they feel better they try to get me to let them stay home. It is prob because they want to spend more time with me. I really feel bad but I also know that it important to learn how to push through things that you dont like in order to do what you want to do.
I try to strike a balance between being sympathetic to their feelings and teaching them what will be important when they get older.
I find that getting them prepared the night before works wonders. Picking out clothes(my older kids do this on their own now)and packing their snacks is a part of their night time routine. We also talk about what fun things they can look foward to the next day right before bed. In the morning, I give them enough time to get everything done with a little room for them if they are being slower than usual. I dont give them enough time to start an activity. I find that if they start an activity or wake up and start to play, they have a hard time transistioning. They are having fun, and dont want to stop to get ready to go to school.
Another thing I use is a chart. It has pictures and words of the morning routine. Its a visual reminder of the steps to get ready every day. I think it helps them with remembering what to do and getting into "going to school" mode.
I also think that it might not be a good idea to "over compinsate" when she is home. If you make sure that every minute at home is full of fun and you make it SO special, she could get the idea that if she is at home(when she would usually be at school) she would be having that same kind of fun. Its sort of like thinking that there is a party going on at home but you are stuck at school. I am not saying you should make your home a no fun zone or you cant spend some extra time and acknowlege that she wants some time from you. I just think its not really about YOU not spending enough time with her, its about HER feeling like she is missing something fun at home,feeling scared that you wont be home when she gets out,worrying about something that is at home, etc. You should try to talk to her and see if you can figure out what her anxiety is about. There could be a problem at the school with a friend and she doesnt know how to work it out. She could feel like the teacher "doesnt like her" or something. You never know. The anxiety is coming from somewhere and once you figure it out, she will be ok with going to school. Good luck.

Hi A.,

I've had the same experience with my daughter since preschool thru first grade, and now is attending second grade and the beginning of the school year started the same way. This was a difficult transition for myself and daughter. What i learned to do was allow ample time in the morning for play and mommy and me time this allowed for the anxiety not to build prior to leaving for school. Secondly I had to remain firm and calm and not allow my voice to waiver. at bed time we would talk about what would be the routine for the next morning, expectations, visualizations and practice breathing and relaxation techniques. In the morning i would go in and raise the shades after waking her and give hugs and kisses say good morning in a cheery voice and tell her she needed to get up in a few minutes. All these efforts finally helped to move her along from home to school with out problem and then when at school we had assistance from the guidance counselor for transition to class room. The school counselor is a good source for transitioning to classroom. Most importantly is to remain calm as your children will take your lead. Wait her out and remind her she is still going to school on time or late. I would leave school in tears most days from the stress of it all but i wouldn't show my daughter that. Now my daughter goes to school with out episode, but we still say good by at her class door and she goes in smiling. Separation anxiety for some children takes constant reassurance,consistency and patience and always remind her how couragous she is and what a great job she's done and how proud you are of her going to school every day because doing her job helps you do yours well. I hope you find this information helpful.

Sincerely,
D.

Hi A.,
This may not be it at all, but just a thought. Is there any way you could manage to volunteer a couple of times in the classroom to observe what is going on. My daughter, too, was a VERY good, well-behaved, smart child who LOVED going to preschool - but HATED kindergarten. Cried. When I went to school and observed - I didn't like what I saw from the teacher herself. She had no patience - should have retired 10 years ago, I think. She was all pleasantries when I spoke to her. But after being the class "helping" out, after a couple of hours she let her guard down and started acting like her normal self - I could see why my daughter hated it! In fact, I firmly believe my daughter was smarter than the teacher, and the teacher didn't like the challenge. I talked honestly with my daughter about the problems with the teacher, and how in life you will have good teachers and bad ones. Just appreciating her concerns and acknowledging that not all teachers are good made her feel much better. She got through that year, and has had wonderful teachers since (all who adore her, appreciate her, and the feeling is mutual). She still talks of that awful kindergarten teacher, so that I've had to make arrangements to make sure my other daughter goes elsewhere!
It may not be the teacher - may be bullies, or just some other concern. But don't dismiss it - your child probably has real legitimate feelings.
Good luck - you're a good mother to be concerned.

I am the mother of 4 and early on, identified myself as "extremely involved" with pride. I had no idea how this could be a detriment, esp. as my kids needed to separate and enter their own world as they went to school. Letting our kids have their own experiences and learn about success and lumps on their own time does not make us un-involved in their lives. Your second child is only doing what she thinks she's supposed to do, based on your reactions to your older childs actions. Our kids will always reise (or lower themselves!) to the expectations we consciously or unconsciously place on them. Could it be that your daughter wants to separate by going to school but she feels that you are threatened by it, so she creates the drama that she knows you thrive on? That makes you feel needed? Hard thing to look at but we often fall into patterns of behavior without realizing it. She may be relieved and enjoy school when she learns she's not responsible for your need to feel needed.

I had problems from both of my girls, but for different reasons. The oldest just hates to get out of bed, the youngest didn't want to leave me. For that,I did a sticker chart- for each day she didn't fight she got a sticker, after 10 sticker she got a prize, after 20 another, etc. she got to choos the prize. The fights stopped after 10 sticker which took about 14 school days. For my oldest I bought her an alarm clock and made a velcro to do list for the morning. Now she gets herself up each morning( she doesn't know it has a snooze!) and moves each item on the list from the to do to the done list as she completes it. The list includes morning jobs like get dressed, brush teeth & hair, eat breakfast- the only household chore I expect of her is to feed her ferret. Maybe a combo of the two would work for your daughter! Good Luck!

Hi! Just wondered if you'd ever considered homeschooling - especially at this young age where there is not a lot that really needs to be taught and "social skills" really seem to be the driving force behind a lot of the school day. You can always socialize with other moms/kids through other activities, and maybe your kids will enjoy doing "school" with you for an hour or so a day. Obviously I am a homeschooling mom, or I wouldn't recommend this option to you. Mine are 4 1/2, 3, and 18 months, and we do school with the oldest just about every day, the middle about 3 days, and of course not at all with the baby. I can't imagine the older two being separated from each other all day by being at school in different classes. So much of what they learn is from each other - just like your daughters are learning a lot from the other kids at school. And who knows - maybe it's not what you want her learning? Just a thought--

My son did this in a very small, wonderful christian school for kindergarten, 1st grade and half way through second grade. He did make himself sick and he would rather be at home doing the "in bed" thing then go to school. He was miserable. I pulled him out and homeschooled him. He became "unsick" and happy. He thrived in our homeschool and he is now running his own business for the last 10yrs..He is now 24! So, do what you feel is right. Children do tell us things in ways we NEED to listen to.
School may not be the right avenue for her. Everyone is VERY different.

Hi Stressful mom!

I understand your frustation,sorry to question you about this issue,does they have a good breakfest in the morning?i mean based in car,protein and fruits,?also do they take a daily multi vitamine?with a isotonic b-complex?my son just was like that,today he is a energetic and happy to go to school.
i forget to say a good fish oil would help too!
Marcia

Hi A.,

I'm also a stay at home mom who has always been involved and had my kids attached at the hip! I've been reading through the responses and there is some really good advice. The only thing I didn't see was, "What is your reaction to your daughter having a hard time in the morning?" Do you sympathize with her, do you get aggravated after a while? I have been in this situation with each of my three children at different times in their schooling and the thing that I found works the best is for you to be firm in that this is a school day and you have school. No emotion either way. You cannot let the tears and the begging influence you in either direction. With one of my children, I felt so bad....I would hug him and practically cry with him (this was obviously the first time I dealt with it:-)). That only made it worse...then with my daughter I got to the point where every morning would be a horror show with her being upset and then me getting angry....that doesn't work either. By the time my little guy came around I learned to just be calm, very matter a fact and not let it affect me (which is hard!) They play off of your emotions. I love the idea of bringing something with them that makes them feel close to you. We had pictures in my son's backpack that he could look at if he got sad adn that seemed to work well. Good Luck, Stay strong....it doesn't last forever. Soon they'll be running out the door with a big smile :)

Dear A., I can't help but wonder if your older daughter is jealous of the younger one staying home with you / spending more time with you. Maybe she just needs more 1:1 time ( which I understand is hard to do with two ). Maybe the teacher could help out. Try an communication book sent back and forth to school so she can help with praising / rewarding "good" mornings. Kids this age always want something to look forward to also. Maybe baking cookies when she gets home or if she has 3 or 4 "good" mornings, a trip to the mall or zoo or another "kid friendly" site on the weekend. Hope some of these things work. My daughter was the same way with nursery school - separation anxiety big time! She is now 21 with a 7 mo. old of her own. She obviously got over it and is a very indeopendent young lady now, so don't fret too much. Good luck and God bless. L.

Sounds like your daughter is suffering from "separation anxiety". My daughter, who is now 13, went thru it for years. I had to drive her to school and take her to the class room from preschool to fourth grade!! It will get better! Find activities for her without you. Like staying at a friend's house for a couple of hours, spending time with an aunt or uncle or grandparent without you (or your husband)
It was VERY stressful but it does get better. Trust me my daughter is so much different now!!!! Have patience and know that she will work it out.

My son begged me one morning to stay home. I told him he could stay home if he was sick.. And if he's sick, he doesn't get to have *any* fun all day - no board games, no card games, no getting outa bed all day -- even after school. He knows (through *many* trials as a toddler) that I will follow through with that I say. He's never asked to stay home again.

If he misses his bus.. he's been told he gets no fun activities after school - so he is always quite prompt. He likes his V-smile, for us to play board games and card games... to watch his 30 minute show... And again, he knows I would follow through (because I've been consistant and done what I said I would).

I also have a son that is in the first grade. He was exactly like that. He or should I say they are all afraid they are going to miss something. So, what I did to try and change this was: In his closet I purchased a plastic compartment hanging from his closet, it has 4 or 5 shelves in it, just like his clothes. On sunday we pick out his clothes for most of the week right down to the socks. He loves to do that with me. Also, we race in the every morning who can make their bed faster. He also helps me to pick out his snack for the day. I also remind him that his friend (so and so) is probably waiting for him at school. If this all doesn't work out for you both, have like a special time for yourself and her after school that you read a special book and it will be waiting for her after school. There are numerous things you can try. Hope some of this works for you. Good Luck!!! K.

Hi A.,

I completely understand this and have been in the same situation recently with my son. He attends Clarke School for the Deaf in Northampton and has a moderate hearing loss. He speaks very well and you would never know he has hearing aids unless someone told you. I have been very fortunate to be working with some of the finest professionals in the United States and here are some tips they gave to me which seem to be helpful.

When he gets home from school they usually send a transition item to discuss that he has been working on. The teachers also try to let me know in advance what the next days lessons will zone in on so we can discuss that and get excited about it. Sometimes he actually has something in his hand to show me right when I pick him up so we can discuss that and the transition is easier. Also I try to send him in with a note from me daily (I keep like a journal to communciate with his teachers things that are going on at home and school) and the teachers write comments in there- doesn't have to be a novel just a brief synaposis of what occurred that day and what your daughter might have to look forward to tomorrow at school.

If she is allowed perhaps she could bring something in from home that relates to the lessons they are learning, like a craft she can share with the class or a snack.

Just some thoughts.. hope it helps... Also I take extra time to cuddle in the chair each morning before we begin the routine - that really seems to help instead of getting out of bed and starting those ardent tasks of getting ready!

Hi A.,

Would you be open to the idea of Homeschooling your daughter? If she's clearly stressed from going to school, she may not be ready and you can homeschool her till she is.

E. P.

My Kindergartner is the same. Since day one at pre-school she would scream & cry. It has gotten better. A friend of mine is a teacher. She gave me this suggestion. We found a rock that is shaped as a heart (you could use any object - just make a big deal about giving her something special) and with a marker wrote Mommy on one side & my daughters name on the other. The first few days we made a big deal about it. We both held it and I told her that I would be with her all day. If she ever got sad she could take out the heart & hold it. After a few days she told me we didn't need to do that anynmore. But she still carries it in her backpack.
My youngest is now copying her older sister too! So I took one of her favorite stuffed animals, every morning I give it a ton of kisses in front of her. We leave it in her cubby at pre-school. She knows it's there & I told her if she ever misses me to go hold it & she would get a kiss from me!! Luckily for me - both ideas worked. They do have trouble seperating in other circumstances... I have found a fast exit works best.
For mornings - on days that I can tell will be an issue... I set a timer. We make a game of who can get dressed before the timer. That usually get's them going and out of their funk. I KNOW how stressful it is. Just know your not alone! Good luck!

I had this problem too...my son cried almost everyday. To get through the mornings I can up with the term "monday morning blues", and gave him a treat for breakfast (sugary cereal) on the really bad days. It helped some...I explained to him how I had trouble too on days...That being said...for many reasons, I chose to put my son into a private school. He loves his school, and I now have no difficulty getting him going. He was having a really hard time in school. I got him into a very small class where there is a lot of control on behaviors, and the kids get individual attention. He always complained to me that there were bullies, and that the teachers yelled a lot...Now that I have him in a different environment, I realize that his complaints (while probably exaggerated), were very significant to him, and were the cause of his unhappiness. I would listen to what your daughter tells you about why she doesn't want to go to school, then try to understand it from the perspective of a 1st grader, because it may not seem like that big of a deal to you. I probably could have helped him in that respect without pulling him (I had academic reasons as well), had I really understood how he was feeling. Good luck!

Ever since we eliminated morning TV, life has been less stressful at our house.

Any reason you can't/don't homeschool her. It's an option that is available. Let me know if you would like more info on that. IT sounds like she just doesn't like or isn't ready to be away from you for such long periods of time.

My daughter is in Kindergarten and she does that too in the morning. She does very well when she is there, but I am a stay at home mom and she is very attached and wants to stay with me. i do not have that good of advice unfortunately. I just try to sit down every night and do homework with her and talk about her day, pick out her outfit and pack her lunch. That way she knows that in the morning we will be going to school and we count the days till the weekend together. We talk about how I did not like school either, but learning was fun and all the kids are fun to be with too! I think talking about things is really important and having something to look forward to on the weekend as a reward for our hard work all week! It is important to teach kids about why responsibility and hard work are good qualities. It is kind of like how it stinks to have to clean your room, but if you make the mess than it is your job to clean it. And as parents we try to make these boring tasks a game so they will do it more willingly. Getting up early and ready early is a something we do to, that way there is plenty of time for a shower, breakfast and a cartoon or coloring. We like music alot and dancing before school is fun too. I tell my daughter my work that needs to be done while she is away at school so she knows I work hard too, so i can play! Hope that helped or gave a few ideas, it is hard for me as well at times!

It might be worth checking to see if there are any problems at school, not just in the classroom but also in the playground, the lunchroom or on the school bus. Is someone bullying her? Are any of the kids clique-y? Find out if there is a guidance counselor in the school - some elementary schools have them. Also try to set aside special time for her when she gets home, to share her day with you, something the preschooler doesn't get to do, big girl stuff. When my son didn't feel it was important to go to school - at all, or on time - I said we would need to tell the principal why he didn't think it was important. That took care of it. But he was less clingy, and really was rebelling against the structure. He wanted to watch TV, not necessarily be with ME. But the principal can also be an advocate and say how valuable a member of the school community your daughter is, etc. GOod luck.

My 7 yr old started daycare when she was 10 months old. Every day, when I left her at the center, she would scream (luckily, my friend ran the center so I knew that there was nothing wrong at the center itself). I was looking particularly heart-broken at leaving her one morning when a trainee teacher came over and said to me, "Did you know that she stops as soon as your car leaves?" I was a bit stunned, but I asked the other teachers and they all agreed. She went to that same center for 3 years. For 3 years they told me she would grow out of it ... for 3 years she didn't. After that, we moved country and she was only at preschool part-time, but she still cried, every time. I'd like to tell you that she finally outgrew it ... and when she got to about 6 1/2 she did ... to a certain extent. I can get her to go to school most of the time without any dramas, by doing what Sara D said (focusing on what is happening that day, and what she needs for it) but I still get those "*cough*cough* Mum I'm *cough* too sick" days. My cure is to pull out the thermometer - if it's got a smiley face on the screen, she's good for school. I still have to deal with tears any time I go out of the house without her, or make her go out of the house without me, and I keep hoping she'll grow out of it ... maybe at 7 1/2 she will. But as true as it was when she was in daycare - the moment my car is out of sight, she stops the tears and has fun.

I just wonder why she is fussing so? How is she with the other kids? What do the teachers see? Does she manifest any of this behavior at school?

Also, if this is just a case of her wanting/needing more time with mom at home, is there any possibility that you could home school her for a year or so? Despite our stressed out, overworked American culture's messaging-- kids don't all mature in the same way or at the same time. Maybe your daughter is expressing her needs, but you are not hearing the real message. Would it hurt so much to give her (and her sister) that time with you she so desires? Maybe you could arrange with her teachers for her to come to certain classes on a parttime basis so that she keeps up with school and friendships. (I'm not really sure how the homeschool stuff works.)

God Bless,
S.