21 answers

Help Needed! My Husband Doesn't Know When to Stop Talking......

Well, you know how they make fun of us women being the ones that talk too much? Well not in my case. It is the other way around. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a good man but he sure does love to talk. Doesn't do it though when it's just us. Only when he is talking to anyone else, other family members, friends, neighbors, etc. It gets a little unnerving because you can plainly see that the other person is ready to leave or go on to another thing, but he keeps talking. The other person trying to be polite will just keep listening but afterwards, I hear about how much my husband talks. In my family, it's become a joke in a ways. My husband is one of those know it alls. Now he does know how to do a lot and has had more life experiences than the normal person but it gets a little irritating. I've had to learn to tune him out at times and also had to learn how to step in to get him to stop talking so the other person can leave or whatever. I have to do it in a way that isn't rude nor hurt his feelings. For an example, a few years back when we were looking for a place to live, we met a real estate agent at this house but as soon as we saw it, we knew it wasn't for us. He said, let's not waste the agent's time and let her know as soon as she arrives that it wasn't for us. Now that would normally take 5 minutes or so, right? Well about one hour later, we are leaving!!! It gets so aggravating at times. I don't know how to approach this with him without hurting his feelings. I don't want him to change who he is but just to be more aware of his surroundings and to the needs of the other person(s) he is talking to. I'm tired of hearing about how much he talks and all the jokes. It's really starting to hurt me. It doesn't help that my husband has a hearing problem due to dealing with explosives years back, so you have to constantly repeat yourself (one of my pet peeves). He's been told that he needs to wear hearing aids but he refuses to. Afraid of appearing like an old man to me (there's a 14 year age difference), but I've told him, that I would rather him wear them, for one - it's a safety factor for him and two - it would cut back on a lot of our misunderstandings. But that's a whole other story. Now, let me say, he does come by it naturally, his mother is the queen of talk - and usually it isn't very nice talk - she likes to talk about others (it makes me wonder what she says about me but frankly I really don't care). She is 100 percent worse than my husband. Luckily for me, she lives in Virginia so I don't have to see her that much. I literally can not take much of her. (that again is another story) So my thing is, how would you approach someone about this? Like I've said, I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel that he just better not talk at all. Or do you have any advice for me on how to handle my own sanity concerning this? Thanks to all!!!

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Featured Answers

i wish i could help you out. my mother-in-law is the same way! something that could take 2 minutes to say takes her 45 min!! Finally I say "okay well i have to go" but I know you cant do that, so tell him "gee you talk to much" in a serious but joking way. good luck!

I think you should tell him kindly! And know that everyone has to deal with something! My husband doesn't talk at all! When we have guests or spend time out with friends or go to someone's house "i" have to carry the whole conversation! Luckily i am comfortable speaking to others. I wish my husband would talk .. Even to me! I tell him all the time to communicate with me!! Please!! Good luck! And yes he needs hearing aids. If you want to make him realize that, try saying "what" to him a lot in one day all day, at the end of the day let him know that is what it is like when he can't hear and constantly needs you and every one else to repeat themselves!

More Answers

LOL Sorry, hon, but you might be married to an aspie. I have this very same problem and I really, honestly, can't tell when people want me to shut up. My MIL got to where she just told me to shut up or walked away. So now I just don't talk to her and that solves the problem. But when I am nervous I do talk more then usual.

'take' this test for your husband and see if you think he has a lot of the traits. It might help you understand him better.

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

another (shorter but less accurate) one is

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

Asperger Syndrome is a form of autism but don't let that scare you. Most aspies do well in life they just have some social problems like you described of your husband.

S., proud autistic!

i wish i could help you out. my mother-in-law is the same way! something that could take 2 minutes to say takes her 45 min!! Finally I say "okay well i have to go" but I know you cant do that, so tell him "gee you talk to much" in a serious but joking way. good luck!

That's funny, at first I thought you might be a friend of mine with the same problem. But, not the same name. Anyways, from the perspective of the other people who get caught talking to the "talky" person. It is a little unnerving. I would suggest that you not in the moment, but later on let him know that he is talking too much with one person. That he needs to talk casually then move on to another person. I know it is hard for my friend because it has come to be a joke among our group about getting cornered at a birthday party by him so everyone keeps moving trying to avoid getting cornered or make sure that you are with other people then you can escape if he come up then they are caught. She has talked to him about it and it has gotten better, I think it is just a behavior that will take a while to work on. But first he needs to recognize he does it. As for the hearing problem, there is a hearing aid that is advertised that you can hardly see, I know of someone who wears it and you barely notice it. Sorry, I don't know the name, I know it advertises on T.V.

Can't help but I 'd love to get him together with my husband. He is on first name basis with all the Starbuck baristas, bank tellers and check out people in Target (and I not exxagerating at all!). He loves people and loves to talk. I think it's cute but I always feel bad for whoever is in line behind us ;) (And he is ironically a realtor so thank your stars he was not the agent your husband was talking to you--you might still be there!)
Just accept his little quirk and maybe carry around those noise-proof Bose headphones. My guess is his talking was one of things you fell in love with when you met him. I am betting later in life, you will look back fondly at his talking :)
On him taking too long, always say you need to be somewhere 30 minutes earlier than you really need to be--shhhh, I do this all the time! I also have all our clocks going fast ranging from 6 minutes to 23. (As you can guess, being late from talking has been an issue here too!)
Sorry about the MIL too--I can relate here too!
L.

I know how irritating a man can be that talks a lot. I had a very dear friend that talked a lot. And made fun of him and it was a joke with our friends about him.But he knew we made fun of him.He passed away 2 weeks ago in a accident he was only 54 and I miss him so very much I wish I could hear him talk non stop again.I guess I am saying if that really all that bothers you about him really,then I was just tune him out.Because I figured out that life is to short,don't sweat the small stuff.

OK, I just totally had to laugh when I read this because -- did you see how long YOUR post was? LOL... (hee hee -- I mean that in good clean fun as a joke sista! I swear) :)

Motormouth-- yeah, I've been called that too... It'll be interesting to read this thread -- but I would say the "safety" aspect of the hearing aids is a good thing.

Maybe you guys could have a key phrase or body lingo message that you can use with one another when you need to cut the conversation and be done with it... apparently he can't read the obvious signs people give out so if YOU intentionally create one -- you can say -- hey.. if you're in a conversation taht's taking too long because the other person wont turn it off -- and I do this (and then make up some move)... just say, hey, we gotta run or I gotta go and let that be the end of it. ??? (there was a Mad About You episode about that - but it was to get one another out of bad conversations at a party -- she was supposed to pull hair hair back off her shoulders or something like that... and he kept intentionally ignoring her sign -- was pretty funny) :)

Good luck. :) Sounds like you've got some great patience. :) rub some of that karma off on me as I'd have given him a mouthfull already -- turn it off BABE! Ha

Dear S.:
If he is a bit like me, he may not realize when he goes into 'overtime'. Perhaps you can take him aside one day, NOT after such an incident, and say that you noticed that people are not 'getting off the hook'. Suggest a code word or phrase that you agree upon which you can use in front of people to signal him. Make sure that you agree that the code is not hostile, more like a friendly reminder and a hint that the other person wants to leave (or if it's a motormouth, too, that YOU want to leave). You can even present the code as a time saver so that you have more quality time together. Tell him you have a female antenna, so you are doing him a favor with that signal, since he does not pick up subtle signals from others. As long as you are a team, he may see where you are coming from and agree.

The phrase could be "I'll be in the car and make a quick phone call" (make sure you think of a person to call, in case a question comes up) or "Please remind me, we'll have to run by the store later and pick up some groceries for dinner." (make sure to think of anything). Phrases like these sound innocent to others and give the talk a disruption that should make him realize it is the code.

Similarly, my dad did not like certain foods and my mom knew which ones, e.g., certain ingredients. She used to tell him "you cannot eat that" in a buffet, and he was happy. But since they did not use a code, other people found it outrageous that she 'dictated' what he can and cannot eat, so a code is a good thing.

Good luck,
W.

I think you should tell him kindly! And know that everyone has to deal with something! My husband doesn't talk at all! When we have guests or spend time out with friends or go to someone's house "i" have to carry the whole conversation! Luckily i am comfortable speaking to others. I wish my husband would talk .. Even to me! I tell him all the time to communicate with me!! Please!! Good luck! And yes he needs hearing aids. If you want to make him realize that, try saying "what" to him a lot in one day all day, at the end of the day let him know that is what it is like when he can't hear and constantly needs you and every one else to repeat themselves!

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