Help! Need Husband/father Advice.

Dear C. C,

I am sorry it seems you married a jerk, but you have to remember that men are not born with a skill for children. They have to be taught by others in their life as they grow up and if they didn't learn then you must teach them. I think you should talk to a counceler or priest. There are also books to read but sometimes you need that other person to let your husband what is up from an outsiders perspective. Don't try and use friends or family members because this will make it worse. My husband lacked a lot of qualities for being a great husband and a father. We have been through a lot and with the help of god and being paitent we both enjoy each other more. It wasn't just him either I found out that some times I missunderstud some of his comments or reactions to thinks, now I know to think of it in a positive light before I get angry and usually he means well, so with a little communication we work it out now instead of yelling. How ever you handle the situation your kids are watching and will likely repeat the act, so remember you are their role model.

My husband came into our relationship *knowing* that I had a 1 1/2 year old (at the time). He was great with her - and she adored him - but now that we've had our second daughter he just seemed at a loss. I think that I got to have a unique perspective on this problem by seeing my husband's flip. Suddenly, the man who had always taken MY daughter out to play at the park so I could have a relaxing bath was CONSTANTLY handing me the baby, refusing to do anything unless directly asked, and generally snippy with me about the whole thing (not to mention the "is she hungry?" fights we've had!)

We've talked about it and came to the realization that what was actually happening was that my husband was scared out of his skull - and taking it out on me, since he couldn't/wouldn't take it out on the girls. He felt useless - I was the only one who could feed her, I seemed to have all the answers, so why wouldn't I just DEAL WITH HER?

Perhaps your SO has the same problem? Maybe all this tension is really his way of coping with the fact that he doesn't know what to do with your children? Feeling lost and helpless isn't something that guys tend to know how to deal with well - and, as I'm sure we can all relate!, children can make you feel the MOST lost you've ever felt in your life!

Perhaps talk to him about this. Tell him how hard it is on you to deal with the kids too - by letting him know that YOU don't have it all together, perhaps it will open the way for him to admit the same thing (if only to himself!). Then perhaps you could talk about some things that he has trouble doing for the kids and the solutions, tricks, or tips you've devised for dealing with that same issue. Don't forget to ask him the same thing! He may have figured out something you haven't, after all ;)

Another thing - you mention that he resents you going out and leaving him with the kids to go to the gym. Does he have a night out? If not, perhaps you could suggest it to him - something to do besides go to work and deal with the kids. One thing that has also helped my husband and I deal is that we have friends over at least once a week. Most of them don't have kids, so we do an after-bed-time gaming session where we play board games, card games, or RPGs. Perhaps you could do something similar, or even just a TV or movie night to watch something you BOTH enjoy with friends that are either friends you have as a couple or a mixture of his friends/your friends. Having some time to relax with grownups is necessary to our mental health! Life isn't all Blue's Clues and cold chicken nuggets - and we can all usually use a reminder of this!

In the end, try talking about it together when neither of you are upset. Agree before hand that if the conversation becomes heated you'll break off for a 10 minute break to calm down - and do your best to keep your heads! If all else fails, counseling is a good route to take (although it does cost money - which can lead to more problems in some relationships!). In the end, if you find you just can't make it work as a couple, perhaps it *would* be best for you to break it off - but that doesn't mean he isn't their father all of a sudden. Plenty of families function better with joint custody than a joint house - it all comes down to what makes you and your SO happiest. Remember, if you aren't happy, your children won't be either.

Hi,

I am a mother of 2 girls and one on the way and soon to be 30. My oldest is from another relationship and when I married my husband he really didn't know what to do, until our 20 month old was born. Since then he has gotten closer to my oldest and does indeed spend more time. It has taken 3 years. That is still a work in progress. There are times when I will just tell him "why don't you two go for a bike ride?" Men are different like that. You really do need to ask them to do things, they don't think of doing it like we would.

Also there is a book that mom gave me, it is really interesting and it has helped me to understand the way men think. It is called The Proper Care & Feedking of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Best of luck

We have a lot in common I have two boys, and I also work part-time taking care of my grandmother. I was with the father of my boys for 7yrs before I called it quits. In the early months of the boys lives he really didn't offer to help I would have to nag the hell outta him to do something. I didn't get any me time until the boys were sleeping and I would take off and go to the store and even then he would try to make excuses.
It sounds like the two of you need to really talk about his behavior. Make sure you ask questions carefully because you don't wanna hurt his ego. You need to ask why he feels that he can't stay alone with his children. if thetwo of you can't work it out on your own then make a suggestion to seek help. I felt the same way you do I felt i was doing everything on my own and I felt like I was making the biggest mistake ever when I told him that we weren't workin anymore it got the point were just the sight of seeing each other we would get tense and angry and start arguing. It hurt and at first i felt like i was taking my boys daddy away, but it was better for them not to see us or hear us fighting all the time. We talk better now then we ever did. I'm not saying what worked for me will work for you. Just try to talk and get help before you make any decisions

Good luck and take care.

So you only argue when he is left with babysitting? I know other husbands like that I am not sure what causes that but it should be pointed out that you are having to leave to make money and help support the family but if he doesn't want to watch kids have him come up with an alternative and make him pay for it. That seem fair!

Hi Chritine,do you know how he is with the boys when you are not there? sounds like he is either checked out for being a father or maybe he has learned from his own father. what was it like with him growing up with his dad? maybe he needs to learn how to be a father. talk to him about how he feels maybe he is not comfortable with it when you are not there. maybe ask a friend to watch them the days you have to take care of your grandmother or hire someone.and help guide him .we did not get a manual when they were born and it was scary for us.but i would talk to him or maybe take a parenting class with him so he understands. my husband and i took one and it gave us so much insight it helped alot.good luck.

Have you been to marriage counseling? It sounds like he's emotionally checked out as a father. Parenting isn't easy, but those babies are his, and he needs to understand that they have TWO parents.

You deserve to have alone time, as does he. Do the two of you hire a babysitter ever and get out to reconnect? If the marriage is not strong, the kids will suffer. Everyone needs a break.

I'm sorry that this is so hard for your right now.

I've walked a mile in your shoes and can feel your pain and frustration. I finally told my husband that I didn't get married to be a single mother. I asked him that we sit down when we were both in good moods and go over some emotions each of us were having. One of the key things he pointed out to me is that when he was trying to help I would constantly correct him on things or hover over him as though I didn't trust him. Oops lol. I explained that I felt while we were married and parents we were still individuals and I needed him to be my equal partner in our marriage as my husband and father to our children and also encourage and support my need for "me time". It took a while for us to work out the kinks but he told me what really made him wake up was when I said "I didn't get married to be a single mother". It was eye opening for him. Sometimes we get to wrapped up in our anger and frustration and fail to communicate our needs and hear theirs. Try sitting down and talking with him when things are calm. If this doesn't work perhaps some parenting classes and family counseling could help. Best of luck to you!

dear C. i am only 23 years old with a 11 month daughter of my own. I am also married but its only been a little over a year. If it means anyhting at all, I know that my husband and I are also both very stubborn people. I had to learn in order for it to work that I needed to put in the effort to change somewhat. He also needed to change but if he didn't and we couldn't come to a common ground then that would be the end of us. I had to learn the hard way that raising a child together takes a lot of work. I agree with you though if you feel as if you are the only one really raising them and taking care of them. It should not be that way. I use to ask myself this question, is he her father... yes, but no matter what he will always be her father, and i will always be her mother... but we don't need to be together. I mhave to say now that if we both hadn't put in the effort then we wouldn't still be together today.....
N.

Dear C.,

I almost didn't try to answer or help with this one. But, I did see a mention of it on the Today Show on NBC. If you can go on line, maybe you can find a bit about that segment and that can start you toward finding out what you can do. Your husband feels very left out and sees the children as capturing too much of your attention. Get help this is a very common problem, you are not alone.
Sincerely, C. N.

Well you cant force your husband to become involved with the kids but you can make some changes. First of all, you dont ask him to "watch" them, they are his kids too and its his responsibility to care for them while you are unavailable. Most gyms have a day care, can you take the kids to the gym with you?
I was in your shoes for a while, my husband didnt get very involved with the kids and I was a stay at home Mom so I got to feel very trapped, things changed though, when the boys got a little older my Mr. started playing with them and showing them "manly" things like how to work on a car, fix things, etc.
So be patient, enjoy the time while they are little ... before they learn the words NO and get corrupted by the outside world.

I think it's all about communication and with two stubborn people that is unlikely to happen, i only know this because that is how me and my hubby were until one day i comfronted him about going to counseling, and he said we didn't need it he knew he loved me and that i loved him and that no one could tell him otherwise. Well we agreed that we would give it one shot on our own and if things didn't change we would seek counseling. Well, things have been working so far, and he's a great 1st time dad to our 9 month old now that her understands that our communication and compromise is the key to building a strong bond for our child.

I also have this problem. I have 2 boys- 4 yrs and 2yrs old. I have little to no time to do stuff by mysef, he always wants me to take the kids. He can just get up and leave whenever he wants. I feel like I am a single mom and to make it worse he is like a child when it comes to putting his stuff away. He always says that he can't handle them, I just don't get that he has that choice. I have to handle them, he should too. They are very active and need a lot of attention. I just get very frustrated and feel if we split I would have way less to clean up after and not to mention when he would have visitation with them, I would be free. If if it's just for a few hours. I mean I really love my husband and I don't want to seperate, I just want more help. I want him to take the kids place and play with them. Cleaning up after himself would hurt either.

It's funny that you post this, cause I am going through the exact same thing. I have been working part time on the weekends, and my husband watches the kids. I am just coming off a six week maternity leave and am going back this weekend. My husband is very stressed out about having to watch all 3 kids on the weekend. I have a 4 year old, a 17 month old and a 6 week old. He wishes I didn't work on the weekends, but we NEED the money, and I NEED the time at work, if you know what I mean. I also have a gym membership that takes time away from the family. I try to go during the day Mon through Friday so I can bring the kids, but it seems like lately, one of them is always sick, so I have to go when my husband gets home from work. We got into a big fight about it last night, and it turns out that it's just a lot of stress for him. I totally understand this and appreciate him doing it. It just comes down to the fact that we as mothers need something for ourselves. We are always the ones giving and sacrificing. We need to stand up for ourselves and realize that we deserve something for ourselves outside of wife and mother. I say stick up for yourself, and just understand that he is probably stressed about doing a good job and being adequate. Good luck and let me know how it goes.