Help My Teen Won't Do His Work

I like Valeries response, I don't agree with Laurel. Aren't your kids going to go out into the big big world and get a job someday? They will have to know how to have things completed by a deadline, and how to plan ahead.

T., do you think maybe your son is bored? Maybe the assignments seem "dumb" to him because they are under his educational level. Maybe you can speak with the teachers and get their opinion. How does he perform on tests? If he can make good grades on the tests without even doing the homework, then I would say he is bored and already knows the material that other students may need weeks to understand. If this is the case, maybe you and the teacher can come up with some alternative homework, maybe an essay on a new interesting subject to him, or some more advanced homework.

Hi T.,

You clearly have a dilema on your hands. I have son who now 11 and has always done well in school- when he wanted to. We did hit a point last year when he was doing his homework, but not turning it in and getting bad grades, etc. I had to hound him and lecture him for about an hour before he cracked, but he finally admitted to me that he was being harrassed at school by two kids who were in virtually every one of his classes. I explained that it was not right for them to do this, but he had to be open with me and tell me when something was bothering him. You can't help them if they don't tell you there is a problem! Anyway, the problem ended up being resolved. Those kids will always be bullies, but the school needs to take action when kids are being harrassed.

I also explained to my son the value of good grades and turning in homework. My son is an "Ebenezer" when it comes to money. He thinks he's won the lottery if he finds a penny! Anyway, I put the lecture in terms of money so that it would make sense to him and told him that it was like going to work and not turning in your time card. You're doing all the work and not getting the payout. I also explained where he could expect to be working if he got bad grades versus getting good grades (ie. Quick Trip vs. Intel) and that life is much harder and whole lot less fun when you don't have money. It may be a shallow example, but it was one that my son could put into perspective. Your son may have other things that motivate him. Try to find them and use them.

Good luck.

I've been there with my sons, T.. I didn't think they were doing drugs or drinking or having sex - but guess what? They look innocent at 14, but they're not. You may not be ready for the truth, but your son's sake, find out now. He has already turned away from school work and toward something else. You have not been able to turn him back by talking. You need to find out where he's gone.
Do a thorough search of his room and computer. If you don't find drugs or condoms or paraphernalia, what about lighters, gum, mints, mouthwash, cologne, and Febreze? Have you seen his MySpace site? What websites does he frequent? Who does he IM with?
When he does get in trouble, let him suffer his own consequences. Don't make it easy for him. Real world consequences are what will wake him up to what his choices are doing to him.

I remember these days! It depends on the child, but my son is addicted to this game on the computer. He has never done so well in school until he found out about it! Now its all A's.

If he has something he loves so much this is what I do.
My son is allowed to do the game unlimited (his psychologist agrees) however, there are rules which he must follows!

homework must be done!
he must study for each test for 15 minutes a day
He must have already made his lunch
His grades must be at a B or higher with only 1 c.
his book report must be done (if he is finished reading the book)

It comes out to only about 2 hours a day of computer time but it has worked!!!

I always say it never hurts to try anything once!

Let me know if it works!

Growing up, my husband went through the same thing for himself. We were talking about this the other day as a matter of fact because we want to be prepared should it happen to our son and how to handle it when the time comes. It turns out, the reason my husband had done poorly in school was not because of something like ADHD, it simply boiled down to school not being as challenging for him as it should be. Maybe try getting your teenager to get a psycological evaluation. My advice is don't punish him/her. He/she may be telling you that this type of schooling is just not working. Give him/her a chance and let him/her know that if there's something that he wants to tell you, you'll be there with open ears. Good luck, T.

I was starting to have the same problem with my 15 year old son. We finally, after doing all the things you've tried, worked on a reward system. At that age they are starting to want higher-end things, for my son it was a Cell Phone. We made a deal that if he reached our agreed upon goals grade-wise (starting slowly so we didn't overwhelm him at least 3 B's, no F's etc.) we bought the cell and he would have to earn the minutes (pay as you go phones are brilliant for this type of situation) He also wanted to get a part time job (he is still working on that goal ...all A's) It really worked for our situation. I'm not a proponent of bribing children, so by making him part of the plan and putting the responsibility on him in a Goal orientated manner rather than pushing and threatening it really taught him a few lessons at the same time and now he's really turned a corner. I hope this helps!
~V.

Hi, My name is L. M. My son was like that in jr. high and high school it sounds like he is bored, has he been tested for ADHD? my son had that, maybe getting him a tutor. In my son's senior yr. the only thing that saved him was him joining the early entry progam in the Marines. In about 3 weeks he will be graduating boot camp and he is so proud of himself and so am I, there is a program called young Marines that will have the boys do different community projects they also help them keep focused on their school work, if you want I can find out some info. about it and then let you know okay? I hope this helps L. M.

My Oldest son did the same thing last year, we even threatened to walk him to class and come and just sit in class. well this year is very differant, he is in high school and I don't know if you know about this, but use TUSD webStats page, if you have not heard of this, it is the best thing, you have to go to your school office and get a password, but on this page is everything about your child, and if the teachers are updating this, you should get his grade and missing assignment for that day. we have been doing this for my son, and I check every day, I can email the teachers and when my son comes home from school that day I can ask "why was this not turned in" and if he says I forgot, you can email his teacher and set up a time for him to in and do a make up. coming from a mom whose son got d's and f's and is now nothong below a "c".

Good luck

I currently have a 16 year old daughter, 2 13 year olds one girl and one boy, a 12 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. I wish they all came with a book. What I have discovered is they are all different and the way they take things are different. First of all you need to find out the real reason your son is upset. Listen to phone calls and become a spy. This may sound really bad to some parents because they don’t believe in that sort of thing but you would be surprised what you will find out. Don’t be surprised if your son acts totally different when he is talking to his friends cursing, talking about drugs even if he doesn't do them and sex. I am very open with my girls about sex and you would be very surprised how young these kids are that are having sex even oral sex. The pressure that he may be getting from other kids about being gifted and in higher classes might be the reason he does bad now maybe he is looking for a different rep. I found out a lot about my kids just by spying on them and now I am glad I did. I know now how they are when they are with their friends and others. I went so far is to purchase drug kits from Walgreens and make up a fake letter from our insurance company stating that we needed to send in a urin sample for their yearly diabetic screening. It worked they all took it and I did not have to guess about the drug issue. My daughter has several kids she knows that smoke pot before they get on the buss for school. Make sure though more than anything that you do not over react. If you find out something you don’t like or don’t approve of you need to take a day and think about it and remember what it was like to be a kid. Talk to your husband and try to find a way to help other than yelling and grounding because it does not work. I did find out that one of my daughters was being pressured into having sex so I brought up the subject using a "My friend at works daughter" just to bring up the subject. your son at 14 does not care about his future he cares about friends and fitting in so try and see if it can be balanced. Good luck i know what its like

T.,

I really feel your pain. I went through a similar situation last year with my daughter. After much work, she's now back on track and doing great in school. What I learned from the whole experience is that, yelling, screaming, and grounding (which we did) got us no where because it make the kid withdrawed and afraid to really talk to us and share what was really going on with her.

Like you, I have four kids and I am a full time employee and student, so I did not have the abundance of time needed to dedicate to her. However, it had to come down to me making tough choices to really focus on her. Her grades had gottend so poor that I had to do something. I took a semester off from school and scheduled vacations here and there to buy some time. It came down to me spending a lot of time with her just talking (mostly gently asking questions) and listening to her talk to me. I also made it a point to have an "us" day, just me and her to spend quality time together. I would go with her to the library, helped her review her homework researches, helped solve algebra solutions, spent time in her room watching movies, just the two of us.

You name it, I tried it because at that point, I was desperate and was willing to try anything. My goal for spending all that time with was to give her all that attention she needed and to find out what was really affecting her and to see if we needed professional help. OMG, the things I learned...incredibly, I discovered that she was having issues with some girls at school, that she felt depressed and cried herself to sleep most nights, she felt abandoned at home and that no one was paying attention, she also said that she didn't want to go to school because she hated the atmosphere there and just wanted give up on everthing.

I took action by scheduling time with the school principal and counselor to address the issues that were going on with the other girls. I also developed a system at home in which I dedicate one day a week to do something special (they choose the activity)with each kid, just to make sure I am not abandoning anyone or thier needs. I also make sure I attend her Track Meets (which I was missing in the past) as much as can. I realized just easy it it is for kids to feel lost and abandoned in the mist of a large family, especially when there are other siblings around.

My daughter is a senior now and doing good in school and talking about going to college again. I don't know if my approach will work for you, but wouldn't hurt to try, right? Good luck and I hope things turn around for your son and if all else fails, please consider professional help.

Thanks!

Vivi

Hi T.,
Not much to add, but I have to say that I agree with Vivian. When I was younger, I too grew up in a large family (5 including me) in which my parents were separated. I can definitely identify with what she said about her daughter. It's definitely worth a try, and even if it doesn't solve the school problem, more time and attention definitely can't hurt anything. Good luck.
-Jen

T., this is just an add to what Viv has already stated so well. One of the most important thing for you to do as a parent is to have hope in your children and to believe the best in them (even when they constantly seem to demonstrate otherwise). Be careful the words that you speak to your son. When he gets angry and acts out don't say words like "you'll never go to college", "you won't be anything", etc. Instead you must daily affirm who he is and the great things that he can be. What is he good at? Make mention of how proud you are of him for ANYTHING that you can think of. Praise him when he does good. When he's wrong express to him that you don't approve of his actions b/c you know that he's >>> (whatever edifying words you have been building him up with). I know it seems crazy but what you say right now IS HIGHLY IMPORTANT. And don't just say it to him. Say it to yourself. You birthed your son. You know the gifts that he has inside of him. Remind yourself of these things all the time. That doesn't mean to negate the fact that he will have some consequences to his behavior - he will and he is old enough to understand that. But as you talk to him make sure he understands that you KNOW that he's better than that. Tell him that he's going to SOMEBODY GREAT! We as mothers have the power to build great self esteem in our children, even in trying times. And one day your son will look back and say, "I really tried my mom but she never gave up hope on me. She just kept telling me what a blessing I was to her and how much she loved me in spite of the things that I was doing. Her belief in me made me believe in myself."

hi T.! i don't have a teenager, but i WAS a teenager not so long ago! and i think viviana's advice is 100% dead on. i wish all the time that my mother had taken the time to do the things viviana did with her daughter. i felt i couldn't tell my mother anything, whether about friends, drinking, sex, boyfriends, etc. i was also depressed, looking back probably since i was about 11. i think if my mom had taken the time to open up to me and have an open mind about my responses to questions, then i would have thrived a lot more than i did. i'm sorry i don't have any advice for you, but as i said i think viviana's advice is worth a try. and i will definitely be keeping it in mind for my kids down the road about 10 years =)
A.

Hi T.,
The only thing that I can think of is that you need to nip this in the butt and make a big drastic change. Since we all the that education is what is going to dictate his future. Since you stay home there is a great charter school program here in Arizona. It is called The virtual academy. Their website is www.k12.com. It is a public funded program so your child gets his whole year's worth of supplies and curriculum in the beginning of the year. They also give your child a new computer and printer. A teacher will follow your child through out his schooling and will call him and email him weekly. From what I think of your child is that he can be bored with school work that is not so challenging and up to his standart. The great thing with this program is that they access your child in the beginning and in the end of the year so they place him according to his ability not grade level. (my 2nd grader is doing 3rd grade stuff.) Also, if he knows a lesson, he is able to move on him self and not have to sit through a whole lesson. I do this with 3 kids so it can be done. Hope this helps.

Why does your son not feel he needs to obey his authority figures is more what I would be concerned about. If you have grounded with him and made him study an hour every day and you are on his case and so are teachers I am sure.. obviously he has no respect for the people with authority over him. I would be concerned about that as an issue. However you resolve this issue you need to make it clear to him that you are the parent and he will do as you say. I worked in a juvenile prison and saw the result of what happens when people are not able to have authority over their children.
I am not by any means saying your son is a bad kid or that you are not parenting.. I am just cautioning you that it sounds like there are other issues there as well. I think Counseling is a good suggestion. If a long heart to heart has not revealed anything, counseling should help. Also, do you know how many parents think their kids are not involved in drugs or other things like that? Reality is that we don ot deal with the things the kids deal with when they go to school. I am confident my 16 and 15 year old daughters are good kids and not into drugs or sex or anything but I still talk with them about it regularly and check in with them and educate them because I can not delude myself into believeing they will never be tempted. It is all over in the schools and kids are confronted with it everyday. Someone is bound to make it look appealing at some point. I know allot of adults who have tried it and experimented with it. Why? Someone made it seem appealing. Good luck to you

Have you ask him what is going on? Is he bored? Is the school work to easy? Does he have friends? What is underneath his behavior? What is going on in your family? Are there problems with relationships within the family? Is he jealous of his siblings? You said you and your husband have been together for 4 1/2 years, what is going on with his biological father? Have you tried counseling or coaching? Sometimes one person in a family is acting out because of other behaviors within the family, he may be the one acting out but it may be a symptom of other problems within the family and not just with him.

Hi T.,

I know it has been a while since you posted this request and hopefully things are already looking better for you. I would not immediately discount the idea of homeschooling like the last person suggested. There are a lot of merits associated with homeschooling, and having been the exact same student your son is myself (I skated by, fortunately, with great grades despite my lack of effort), homeschooling is a viable option. Check out the laws in your state (www.hslda.org - national site that can direct you to your state).

It is daunting to consider this for the first time with an almost-high-schooler. And perhaps just the idea of it will make him want to work harder at school, not to say that the idea is only worthy of being a threat...

If your son is in fact extremely intelligent and bored as everyone else so well pointed out, simply telling him to study and do homework isn't the solution. Depending on his learning abilities, he may absorb information quickly and coherently, and find it ridiculous to have to regurgitate it just to prove he knows it. In homeschooling, you have the option of testing, written reports, oral reports, and more to choose from as ways to demonstrate his knowledge. It isn't simply staying home and "playing" school, but rather is catering his educational experience to make the best opportunities for him to learn. The goal is the child, not the grade or the test.

Yes, in some segments of corporate America, there is the need to perform homework-like tasks (reports and the like) but that is seriously different than book reports and essays. You can still give him the responsibility and knowledge to be able to perform these tasks, if not moreso than the school system. In many segments, the type of knowledge you get in high school, the type of learning used in school, really doesn't equate to the job market.

In many cases, school simply proves you CAN learn, not that you did. As a succesful small business owner, I can say from experience, being able to complete homework and term papers has not directly (and I struggle to see indirect connections as well) impacted my ability to run a business. Keeping a journal that was graded has. OJT programs have. The military has. Self-led interests and subjects around which academic opportunities were planned have most directly contributed. When I was interested in marketing, entrepeneurship, business - I sought the opportunity to read and write about these things. I was never encouraged to do my repetative homework instead of these things. Not spoon-feeding me information has made me self-sufficient to learn the things I need to know to be a successful business person and mother.

If homeschool just isn't an option for you, and it isn't for everyone, consider other options - tutoring centers that will sit with him and work with him through his assignments. Go to one that focuses on making homework appear easy, manageable, and worth the small amount of effort it actually takes.

Some centers focus on "math" or "reading" and don't put the effort into instilling the habit as much as the academic subject. You want one that will enforce the habit and show your son why homework is worth it for HIM. I worked for many years at Sylvan Learning Center and some are better than others, but overall, I would recommend them. Just don't automatically discount homeschooling if it will work for you. It is a legal, viable option, that should be considered.

First thing I want to say is that the way to understand why he won't do the work is to ask him. If he isn't comfortable talking to you take him to some he will be. It could be a favorite relative, a close family friend(an adult), a pastor, or even a certified counselor. It seems as if maybe he is dealing with something he hasn't told you. I too have a gifted son, who is the oldest. We had the same trouble with him and didn't know what to do. We are a military family and don't have any family close so we took him to a counselor and it was the best thing we ever did for him and our entire family. He has come back around and is on the A-B Honor Roll. Best of luck~ K. K

You sound like a candidate for homeschooling. It's not always the school's fault that their system is not working for your child. Sometimes, we are blessed with highly intelligent children who can learn without being governed by grades and deadlines. I took my oldest child out of school when she was in Kindergarten. My youngest has never even been to school. Go to google or ask.com, and look up homeschooling for your state. Also, look up the idea of "unschooling". It has really been an awesome experience for my family, and we are no longer fighting and arguing over homework and grades. If money is an issue, you can untilize all of the free resources at the public library, including books on test prep for SAT's, and more. Your gifted and talented son may be ready for something much more advanced than what the school can offer. He may be ready to get out into the school of the "real world".